“things could have been so much easier if you were never born”
I only stare from across the entrance of the nearly dark room. The dim light spills on my grim face, silent and hardly keeping control on the swell growing in my throat. After all, there are only those muted kind of words that you can utter in response to this merciless claim if your very own father is the one who allowed it to leave his lips.
I loose my eyes to the sunlight sneaking through the window of my room, peeking around in a usual distress. It was a dream, again. Although calling it a dream isn’t doing it justice. Looking at the cold breaths that I’m hastily escorting out and the drops of sweat seeping down my forehead, It is by all honesty a nightmare. a nightmare of having the very person who gave you life loudly wishing to take it out of you.
As soon as I permit my eyes to flutter shut, uninvited past memories prowl my mind.
taking me back to when my dad used to abuse me and my mother, his unjustified violent actions planting terror in our hearts, his drunken nights in which he returns home outraged because he lost another round in gambling.
Tugging myself in a collapsed setting position, I let out a deep sigh and urge myself to believe that the suffering is long left behind.
All ended after that incident.
Loosing the straps of my eyelids again, this time I allow the heavy downpour of memories to take me back four years ago.
My dad and I used to argue about everything and that dreadful day hadn’t been any better. My father had been invariably on edge, he used to blame his miserableness on our existence in his life. My mother had constantly advised me to avoid engaging with him. Yet, my stubbornness was never going to allow me to stick into the only rule that my mom set, and I was hell bent on breaking.
I yearned to scream out what his cruelty was doing to me from the inside out and fighting back against his all but fatherly behavior was my only way.
Although that time had been different, yet only worse. His rage had embodied the monstrous, physical abuse that he had never been conservative in keeping within acceptable borders. That night with only the two of us in the house that I hated to take as a shelter, one edgy move of his, sent me in a loss of balance. My head met the table’s sharp frame, and a sharper kind of pain swatted my skull.
blood seeped against the floor in a frightening abundance.
I glanced at my mom’s legs as they rushed toward me. the pain had started spreading its numbing needles down my body, the gravity pulling my Eyelids together and my vision was starting to blur beyond what I could take.
My mother’s piercing shouts had been the only thing clear enough for me to pick up in my sedated state.
“Sesil” she breathed restlessly “baby girl,”
Her sobbing voice had trembled like a light leaf against the strong gust of the night breeze. Her hands were no steadier as she pressed against the wound and prayed for her helpless, clumsy attempts to stop the generous overflow of blood.
With eyes closed and darkness striving to take me in, her blaming jingles came out next “what have you done? She is your daughter”
“Anya I didn’t mean to push her I swear,” the accused shot back in denial, not really regretting what he had done.
Abandoning whatever remained within my collected muscles, I allowed my body to swim back in the darkness that it came from.
Waking up on an artificial, clean scent, I tried to move my finger but I terribly failed. Faint sobbing intruded on my drunk ears and a feminine hand was taking mine in a soft hold.
“Mom,” I called, unneedy of any visual picture to recognize the woman that I know more than myself.
She looked at me, a grim smile escaped her mouth “yes baby girl? I’m here, you’re fine, you’re fine”.
I wasn’t fine, I was laying on a colorless hospital bed after nearly having my skull entirely smashed. But compared to her emotional devastation, my physical pain was merely physical.
My mom had always been quite the beauty, she had flawless pale skin, green nature eyes that compete with jade jewels in glamor, combined with a straight nose and full rosy lips, all perfectly cuddled inside her small oval face. Her hair was sandy blond, relaxing on her thin shoulders to reach the end of her breasts.
Her current state was nothing like her, dark circles embraced her swallowed under eyes, leaving her to look beyond tired. I could only suppose she didn’t get much sleep in the last few days. Her cheeks and nose were in a bright crimson pigment, revealing how many tears she indulged no greed in shedding.
“Mommy look at me, I’m fine, okay? Please stop crying. “I begged in pain.
She erupted in tears, throwing all the blame on her and her only. Accusing herself of what I’ve been horribly given during the fifteen years of my life.
At that moment, I couldn’t say anything in response.
I opened my mouth to emotionally support her, but sadly found nothing to say.
“where is dad?” I asked in a croaky voice, struggling against the bitter dryness that harnessed my throat.
“in jail where he should rot because of what he had done, he’s getting out after a while though but when he does, he’s going out of our lives this time for good,” she explained, pulling her trembling lips into a thin line.
“not a word Sesil” she interrupted me with a hostile eagerness. “I’ve been so patient with him, trying to pull him once again to the good side, but he did nothing but mistreat both of us. I’m so sorry baby girl, I should’ve taken this decision sooner, I just ...” she stopped, letting a tear roll on her cheek, “I thought I could go back to those days in which I and him actually loved each other, but now that he did what he did, we’re over for good” her hands scrambled back to her tear-stained cheeks, flicking off drops of water she knew she shouldn’t allow to fall off.
I felt her pain, shudders were loudly heard with every term she spoke. My mom had always said that she and my dad loved each other to the core, at least that until she got pregnant with me and they had to get married, causing him to change his whole life because he had to think of how to take care of a family.
Things worsened between them after she gave birth to me. Leaving his job behind, it was almost like he vowed to push her into a dark corner and leave her to fight off the misery that she didn’t deserve.
To be honest, I have always linked myself and my existence somehow to the reason why the problems overflowed between my parents.
I felt .....guilty.
I breathed hard, letting out a long sigh right after “whatever you do, I’ll always support you” I declared, reaching for her hand and slightly shutting my eyes to pull a pitiful regard.
She bestowed another tender squeeze upon my numb hand “I know sweetheart, I know” she kissed my hand “you have to focus on healing for now, and I’ll take care of everything”
After I got out of the hospital, my mom had already taken care of her divorce matters. We moved to New York City, to delete any kind of trace of the nightmare that we had there, running off from a trauma we knew would forever haunt us.
Pulling myself back to where I sit, I hang my long curls in a messy ponytail and jerk my body into a standing posture. I peek into the full-length mirror glued to my closet’s door and only half-smile at the hasty run that time have played us at.
Now, I’m nineteen, my life is different and although problems spare no one of their constant disturbing, I couldn’t be more grateful for what I have. A small, cozy apartment to shelter both my mother and me, just the two of us, with no third person whom we’re always afraid will wreck our little happiness. Our life is normal, in no way fancy but it is all I would have wished for.
Working in one of a known group’s restaurants, my mom spares no effort to provide us with what we need. In which I only condole my guilt of pushing everything on her by dragging my ass to my part-time job. But only in times when college is out of the picture.
I’m majoring in business, a freshman ready to face whatever fate has planned for her.
I throw a fast glance at my wall watch. I’m late.
Starting my everyday’s normal routine, I wash my face, brush my teeth, open my closet to pick up my casual outfit for every day. I head toward my modest vanity and start putting light touches of makeup. Leaving my hair to haul behind my back, I only roughen it slightly and watch it as it veils most of my body with its mighty volume.
As late as I already am, I still let my eyes stalk what my face entails. the sparks of beauty that my mother’s genes had graced me with and the bronze shade of my skin that my father had unwillingly given me.
My eyes are sharply pulled up in the corners despite the wideness that they claim, holding more colors of what their tight space can barely handle in a hazel hue. my nose is straight but not exaggeratedly long, trailing down to reach a large set of red lips.
Going right back to dancing crazily around the house, I pick up my books, wear my shoes, take the keys knowing that my mom is working long hours today, and finally depart.
Upon arriving at college, the glare of my best friends stabs at me. Mara and Jason have had enough with my never-in-time arrivals.
“Took you long enough” Mara complains sarcastically, rolling the blueness in her eyes.
I chuckle, faking a tiny apologetic act “okay, okay, I’m sorry buddies, I overslept, not going to happen again”
“I guess I’ve heard that long enough to know that it’s a distant dream” Jason says, putting his arm around my neck and trying to playfully suffocate me “how have you been beautiful?”
“Eem having a lot of stuff to do, just working my ass off to death,” I say, trying to free myself
Mara stands between us and blows a light push against both of us “come on guys, we’re gonna be late for class. Move your asses”
After spending two long hours full of the professor’s lecture, we head toward the university’s gate just to be stopped by Jason on our way out.
“let’s go sit somewhere we didn’t see much of each other in the past few days, I kinda missed you both,” he suggests, placing each of his palms on my shoulder and Mara’s.
I raise my eyebrow suspiciously, imitating his sneaky move as I settle my own on his shoulder “okay, Jason what do you want?”
He looks back at me, wiping a fake tear “do I not have the right to hang out with my best friends?” he whimpers, pretending to be hurt
“nuuh, you do, but saying you miss us, is just not a Jason thing”
His hands take a rise as he admits that no silly act of his, could beat my intuition “okay” he blows up a hasty breath and nudges a brow at me “the thing is that this lovesick lady is bugging my ass to hook her up with a guy she has a crush on, I talked the dude he seemed to be fine with it, but he wants you to come too because he’s trying to set his friend with someone as well. And well, I don’t want to be the only third wheel in their first time, awkward meeting”
I roll my eyes disturbed” I don’t want to be set with some random guy that I know nothing about; you know what?! I don’t want to be set with any guy! Period.” Crossing my arms against my chest, I complain at Jason and his intention of dragging me with them.
The last thing that I want currently is a man bossing me around.
Mara looks at me, giving me a begging glimpse that no one with a conscience can refuse “pretty please Sesil, please, for my sack I really like this guy”
Well truth to be told, Mara had never made an effort to get a guy’s attention. Her looks would usually do all the work.
I let out a sigh “okay just this one, and I’m not promising that I’m gonna befriend the other guy”
She hugs the living day out of me “okay okay okay oh my god I love you “she screams, excitedly
“well you might want to keep me alive for the task”
We reach a nearby café, two handsome and remarkably athletic guys are waiting for us.
I turn to Jason and flare a wicked grin at him “why don’t you ask them what kind of steroids are they on, that could be useful for you”
Don’t get me wrong Jason is toned, he has a good body shape, but compared to those people who have an unnatural body built, along with a lot of guys in our university, their appearances almost seem to be inhuman.
We set at the table, order drinks, and start exchanging small talks to get to know each other better. Small talks in which I rarely participated. I only listen to answer back in case I have been asked a question which is most unlikely to happen. I look like a scarecrow, appalling any unwanted attention away from me.
In the middle of doing literally nothing, I find myself eying my best friend practically fooling the guy she likes—that I’ve been attentive enough to know that he is named Jay—into believing the little cutesy display that she can never fit. She is the wild, no turning-off-botton kind of girl. The only kind that can succeed in making an introvert like me into their best friend.
I shift my attention away from Mara only to see the other guy Stephan, looking at me like he is idolizing my face. I feel a little bit embarrassed by his stares at me.
“At least I’m not the only one feeling like an extra” he instigates, shattering the silence between us.
Glancing at the person who feared being the third wheel, he is all but uncomfortable. Jason leans further into his seat, trusting his phone of making him a pretty good company, and leaving me to face this on my own.
My eyes travel back to Stephan’s face, roaming between his facial features.
As multiple calculations and analyzes debate inside of my head, I’ve come to finally decide that he is quite the looker, no less than his older brother. He looks interested in me, as far as my poor judgment can tell. A little bit of effort would boost this small spark we’re having and a decent conversation might dance at the fading trail of this insufferable awkwardness.
I brutally brush the idea out of my head,
it doesn’t matter how perfect of a guy he is, I don’t need a guy in my life I don’t want a boyfriend
An internal scream impels the weirdest grimace ever, to float on my face.
Stephan looks at me, confusion rules his surface.
“very good Sesil, now he is surely thinking that I’m the freak that in all actuality I’m” I grumble, cursing at myself. I can’t make a conversation for shit.
“no, I’m fine being here,”
“heem Okay beautiful if that’s what you think then why don’t you tell me about....?” He stops for a moment, tracking something behind my back as we’re sitting across from each other.
“Stephan are you okay?” I question, concerned, hesitantly reaching out for his arm.
I turn my head, helplessly followed by my entire body to see what he is staring at, and oh my GOD. the moment I lay my eyes on him, I feel like restoring something I lost but never found.
A tall tanned guy who has a body built of a freaking bear, bright green eyes, the firmest, finest jawline I’ve ever seen, and short, dark brown hair crowning his skull.
Well hello, you stranger who had been carved by the gods.
An abnormal wave of attraction dampens my mind while he leads the way toward us, also looking like he’s intending to kill someone.
I mean sure, the dude has just brutally slammed my heart into a wall using his beauty.
But there is something more than his super good looks that are drawing me in.
He stands in front of our table, glaring at Jay and Stephan, the two are looking like they are going to shit themselves. Can’t blame them though, dude has a presence of his own. Mara and Jason—despite the pull of stupefaction that took over their fronts—seem to know him as well, so I naturally assume that he’s a college buddy.
Once he breaks contact with both of them, he whirls his heaviness to bestow a look upon my face. As if his dashing looks aren’t enough, he also smells heavenly. His stares pierce through my soul while Butterflies and goosebumps are having a dancing ritual in my stomach.
More importantly, why the hell am I feeling aroused just by this guy’s presence?
I get up immediately, seeking the closest bathroom. Picking my messed-up brain cells is a priority and I’m not going to risk skipping it. I feel dizzy and unstoppably about to fall. His hand grabs my arm, trying to back me up.
His crust coats mine in a firm hold and a spin of electricity screams through me.
"WHAT THE HELL?” My yells meet everyone’s stupefied glances.