It's Now Or Never

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Chapter 23- The complete breakdown.


After my little breakdown at the motel, Dad decided we should get back to the compound as soon as we could. The ride back was awkward. I didn’t want to go back at all. Getting back, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. I trudged up the stairs to my room locking the door behind me.

I slide down the door and hit the floor. My body has had enough. Enough of running, enough of crying. Enough of trying to live. I have done things in the past year that I would never have dreamed of. I crawl to the bathroom. Standing up is just too much energy to use. I close the door behind me and lock that one too.

I open the under-sink cabinet and find the box of pain pills. “Maybe, they will really understand now, that I am done” I say to myself on a whisper. I pull out the foil trays and pop all the pills out. Putting a handful in my mouth at a time and swallowing. They are getting stuck in my throat and I cough them back up. Just to try and swallow again.

I pull myself up on the sink and turn on the water. Sticking my mouth under the facet and taking a mouthful of water to help the pills go down. I never kept track of how many I took, only realising that I took them all when the box was completely empty. I dropped to my knees on the tiles and laid my body down. Hoping and praying that the pills will take over soon.

The room starts spinning, dark spots dancing across my vision. I can start to feel the effects of the pain pills taking over my body. Before I completely lose consciousness, I speak into the bathroom,

“I’m sorry, but this needed to be done.”



We get back to the clubhouse and Katherine’s whole attitude has changed. I have no idea what has happened between her and her parents, but I don’t think it is good. Butch and Diana have been very quiet towards me and honestly, I am shit scared of Butch to say anything.

Katherine stormed up the stairs to her room. I went to follow her but Diana stopped me by putting her hand on my shoulder. “Come” she says to me. I follow her into Butch’s office and already see Butch sitting at his desk. “Katherine is unstable. She wants to leave. Thinks we all will be better off without her around” Butch says. His tone of voice tells me nothing is wrong but the emotions on his face tell me otherwise.

“So what do we do?” I ask him. He doesn’t look at me. Butch shrugs his shoulders. “Help her” Diana speaks up. I can see the tears are already falling down her cheeks. “We have done nothing but accuse her of all this shit. You are the first to jump down her throat when something bad happens here.” Diana says, mainly to Butch. “What the fuck am I meant to do. She picks fights with everyone here” Butch yells back at Diana.

“Maybe we should trust her fucking instincts” Diana yells back. I am unsure what I should do. I start moving back towards the door. “Sit the fuck down, Buster” Butch yells at me, catching me trying to leave. I move towards the chairs at his desk and sit down like I am told to.

“Buster we need your help. You are the only one close enough to her to get it into her head that we are here for her” Butch tells me. “I’m not the only one. You need Trace for that” I tell him honestly. “Get the fucking little redhead in here” Butch tells Diana. She runs out the office to get Tracy.

“I don’t know what to do Buster. She is my baby who I have only had in my life for a year and I am ruining it all” Butch says. I can see the hurt and the self-disappointment in his face. This big, tough, scary motherfucker of a biker now looks like a scared and sad little child, who’s favourite toy broke.

Diana comes back into the room with Tracy in tow. Tracy takes the chair next to me and Butch starts his speech again. I zone out and start thinking of that girl who was scared and broken when I met her. She has made a huge improvement in herself and has turned out to be a strong woman. One who I love more than life itself.

“So what do you think, Tracy? Do you think you could help us?” I hear Butch ask Tracy. She nods her head ‘yes’ and gets up. “Where is she now?” Tracy asks. “She went up to her room” I tell her. She nods her head again and heads towards the door. “Give me half an hour. I’ll see what I can do” she tells us, opening the door and closing it after she had left.

Butch, Di and I sit in the room for another ten minutes. We can hear muffled screams coming from upstairs. Standing up from the chair I make my way to the door opening it. “Kate open the damn fucking door” I can hear Tracy scream out. “Katherine. Open the door please. I just want to talk to you” she screams out.

“BUSTER” Tracy screams for me. I go running up the stairs to Katherine’s room. “She’s locked the door” Tracy says to me. I gently push her out the way, stand back and kick the door as hard as I could. The bedroom door goes flying off its hinges. Once it had hit the floor I walk in. Noticing Kate wasn’t anywhere in the room. Tracy goes to the bathroom door and jiggles the handle.

Knocking on the bathroom door, Tracy starts talking through it. “Katie, babe. Can you open the door please?” she asks gently. When she gets no response, Tracy starts yelling again. She looks at me with a look of concern. “Buster, I have a bad feeling about this?” she tells me. “Move out of the way” I tell Tracy. She moves back towards the bed and I run into the door, using my hip and shoulder.

I hear the lock break but the door doesn’t budge. I try again. There is a heavy weight holding the door in place. I push on the door with all my strength and what ever was blocking the door is now sliding across the tiles.

The first thing I see on the floor is the open and empty box of pain pills. Knowing I only put that in there last week, my mind is already telling me what has happened. “Tracy, I need you to call for an ambulance, Katherine has overdosed on pain pills” I tell her in a calm voice. I look behind the bathroom door and there, curled up in a ball is Katherine.

I slide to my knees and feel for a pulse on her neck. Not being able to feel the beating of her heart, I lay my ear across her mouth and nose, I feel a tiny little puff of air come out of her nose. “She is still breathing, but barely” I yell out to Tracy, she replays what I have said to the paramedic on the phone. “Buster, roll her in the recovery position, we need to try and get those pills out of her system. They are on their way” Tracy tells me.

I look down at the face of my beauty. I can feel my tears falling down my cheeks. Opening her mouth, I try to stick my fingers down her throat to cause her to vomit. “Tracy, I can’t get her to vomit. It’s not working” I cry out. I try sticking my fingers down her throat again, but nothing happens.

I put my ear to her nose and her breathing is getting worse. I press my ear to her chest to listen to her heartbeat. It’s faint and I am stressing the fuck out. I can feel my own heart breaking at this moment. Kate has succeeded in killing herself. I don’t know how to feel. My soul is crushed.

Just then two paramedics come rushing into the bathroom. They look at Katherine and then at me. “Sir, we need you to step back” the paramedic says to me. I step back, gripping my hair in my hands. My mind is racing. How long has she been up here? How long was she laying on the bathroom floor? Did I kill her because of yesterday? “FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK” I scream out.

I watch as they shove needle after needle in Katherine. Injecting her with different types of medications. I just hope and pray that we have made it to her in time.

I watch the ambulance leave the compound with its lights flashing and sirens blaring. My whole body begins to shake and my legs start feeling like jelly. I feel myself starting to fall, until someone’s arms grab me. I turn my head and look straight into Savage’s eyes. “Come on. I’ll get ya to the hospital” he tells me. Helping me stand up, Savage walks me to his truck. Tracy is already in the driver’s seat.

We climb in and Tracy has already floored the gas pedal. We are flying down the road towards the hospital. I am in the backseat, trying to hold myself together. “Buster, you can fucking cry. I won’t think you are any less male if you do” Savage says to me. I couldn’t hold it together anymore, and I completely break.

“Why? Why did she do that?” I say to Savage and Tracy. “Buster, Katie has a lot of issues. She acts tough on the outside but on the inside she is dying. I went to her head doctor appointments and this is what I came to know. What the hell happened out on the road when she took off?” Tracy asks. We spent the rest of the ride to the hospital, me telling them what happened and them just listening.

Running into the hospital, I reach the woman on the reception desk. “Katherine Fowley” I say to her. “Are you family?” she asks. “I’m her partner” I answer. “I’m sorry, is there any immediate family available?” the woman asks me. I can feel my blood boiling at this woman. “I’m her father and this is her mother. Anything that is needed to be said about my daughter can be said in front of her partner” Butch says as he comes up behind me.

“A doctor will be out to speak to you soon” The woman says and goes back to her work. Butch grabs my arm and pulls me away from the desk. “Don’t start shit here” he tells me, pulling me towards the chairs. We sit down and stay there waiting for hours. A doctor comes out from the back, “Family of Katherine Fowley?” he asks. Butch, Di and I stand up. We move towards the doctor and I can already feel my heart breaking.

“Follow me, please” the doctor says. We start walking down a hallway. The letters ICU are written above a door. The doctor keeps us walking further down the hallway, opening a door at the end. He waves his hand for us to enter. Butch sits on a chair and pulls Di onto his lap to leave the other chair for me. “Please have a seat” the doc says to me. I shake my head at him. “Sit down, Buster” Butch says to me. I sit down at his demand.

“Katherine has overdosed on pain medication. She is in a coma. We have tried to get everything out of her system, but we don’t know if she will recover. The next 24 to 48 hours are going to be the hardest. I’m sorry I couldn’t offer you different news” the doc says. Diana sobs into Butch’s shoulder. “What are the chances, Doc?” I ask him. He looks at me and shakes his head. “I can’t give you guys a percentage. Katherine took a fair amount. I personally don’t like the outlook on this. I am sorry I can’t give you guys anything else” he says to us.

“Can we see her?” Butch asks. “Of course. Give me a moment and I’ll go and check to make sure she is ready for visitors” the doc says and leaves the room. I sit forward in my chair and rest my head in my hands. I watch as my tears fall from my cheeks to the carpet below. “This is all my fault. I am so sorry” I say to Butch and Di.

“Don’t Buster. It isn’t your fault. We didn’t see the fucking signs. This is on us more than it is on you” Butch says to me. I shake my head at him. I was the one who said I would be better off going back to Bones. My mind is a mess. The door opens and the doctor sticks his head in. “Come. You won’t be able to stay long but follow me” he says. We get up and follow him back down the hallway towards ICU.

Entering in the room where Katherine is laying in the bed. Attached to all different tubes and wires. My heart breaks at seeing her like this. Not knowing if she will ever wake up again and if she does, what kind of memory will she have. Will she remember any of us? Butch and Diana give her a kiss on her head. Butch pats my shoulder and walks out with his arm wrapped around his wife.

I take Katherine’s hand in mine and sit on the chair next to her bed. “I’m so sorry, Kate. I never meant to hurt you with my words but now I know I did. Please come back to me and I promise I will look after you until my dying breath. I love you” I tell her and kiss her knuckles. I place her hand back on the bed, get up and walk out of her room, taking one last glance of her over my shoulder.

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