I watched the sky change colors when I fell apart. The waiting for the rebirth of light tore me at the seams and the whole 21 grams of soul spilled over my feet. My hands clutched to my chest as I stared at the replica of my home. Frozen into the ground, I felt the ice spread through my limbs. It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t be ... so many things.
My vision grew blurrier. My breathing slowed down. I could hear his voice in the background. Calling me. Needing me.
I breathed out as my eyes closed and I sank down. The snow subdued the heat in my heart, the stinging flames just before it would combust and take down everything in its wake.
If I learned anything it was that you can’t scream at the world and expect the world not to scream back.
Count your blessings. I didn’t. I took our love for granted. I took everything for granted. And then I found myself here. On the edge of the world, with my feet dangling over it.
Sometimes I wished time would speed up. When I’m standing on the side, watching the life unfold in front of my eyes but my back is pressed against a wall. I’m there but no one seems to see me. Instead of acknowledging my presence, it’s sometimes easier to imagine and make up what I would say, it’s easier to take the words that once left my lips and flip them over, just so they don’t have to hear my voice again. Twist and rip apart the things I said, so they lose the entire meaning and you can use it to your advantage. And the fight in me? I once was able to scream on top of my lungs but when the world turns deaf, there’s no point in screaming anymore. So instead, I stood in my place and just try to keep my knees from shaking and hide the tears that are invisible to the naked eye.
Enough wasn’t made for me. I was extreme, always have been. I was too little or too much. I was too loud or too quiet. I was too cold or too attached. I was too broken or too happy. And I thought it was okay until I watched the people I love pull away only to find the things they deserved. And I’m happy for them, I am. I love to see them smile, even when it fades when they see the silhouette of me. I’ll stay in the shadows and keep an eye out for the moment you might need me again.
The things you want don’t always equal the things you deserve. Sometimes, it’s not quite clear why and I had stopped asking myself that question a long time ago. Even when you want to fast forward to the moment you feel a little bit more whole again, you can’t. You have to endure the pain and breathe through it. I only wish the process didn’t feel as lonely.
The shoulder to cry on turns into a cold pillow. The hug you needed turns into a ripped blanket draped over your frame. The tears you needed to cry turn into a blank stare at the wall and the throbbing pain in your chest. And you swallow it down, just to force a smile and a “good morning” as the next day rolls in. Because you have to.
But he was there. He was always there. I just couldn’t bear that look in his eyes.
I just let go and whispered to myself: “I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget.”
I’ll never for—