I wake up with this empty feeling in my heart, again. I toss and turn in the bed like a madman. This is what I’ve been doing the whole night. It’s difficult finding a position to sleep in with a bruise on my body, especially on my side.
I can see the sunlight struggling to get through the curtains and I immediately think of school. Personally I do not hate school. I hate the way I’m being treated there.
If I’m not in the library I’m getting picked on and if I am in the library the silence keeps reminding me of my loneliness.
Maybe I’d tolerate it if I had friends to keep my mind from drifting away but I don’t so my mind’s usually in the clouds. I’m not the normal human being that approaches others easily. It really is a hard task.
I manage to sit up on the bed with a lot of effort and groaning. Hopefully I’m not limping. I get up on my feet and walk towards the long mirror and my walking is just fine. I lift up my oversized shirt and the bruise on my side comes in vision. I couldn’t help the tears from rolling down my cheek, the bruise is so big. I trace it with my finger making me hiss in the process. They really did a number on me this time.
I don’t blame them, I deserve it. Why in the world did I believe them when they asked me to hang out with them. I don’t even fit in their category. They’re muscular and big and I’m just a scrawny little boy that doesn’t even act like one. I’m such a sucker for affection.
I look at my body with disgust with my eyes blurred because of the tears.
Flaws are everywhere
“I h-hate you”
I lift the shirt up again just to be met with a curvy figure.
Why can’t I be muscular like everyone else....
Like my dad wants....
Why do I have to be like this...
“Oh my God, honey what happened to you” and I know who said it. It’s miss Alice. She’s the only one who seems interested enough to care. She’s been here since I was born and took care of me like her own child. If there weren’t pictures of my mother giving birth to me I would’ve believe that She’s my real mother.
She’s more of a nanny than a maid.
She was assigned to clean and my parents gave her a room in the far back to live in. Although her salary is still the same taking care of me as well, she does it regardless.
I quickly pull my shirt down.
“Jacob who did this to you” she says concerned pulling my shirt back up.
“no one I just fell” I say trying to get away.
“Did these boys hurt you again? Jacob you need to go to the principle” she says with her voice getting louder.
“It didn’t happen in school okay? I was being stupid and followed them” I say looking at her.
“Can you go to school?” she asks.
“You could stay home and rest. I won’t mention anything to Mrs. Park” she says touching my shoulder.
If my mom finds out that I skipped school it’s over for me. Reasons don’t cut it. She always wants me to be on my best behavior.
I’ve told her about the boys at school before and she involved my dad in it who found a way to make me feel like I deserve their punishments. I remember him saying that these bruises will make me grow up and fight my own battles with a disgusting smile on his face.
“Talk to me Jakey” she says softly.
“Can you leave me alone? I don’t want to talk about it” I say when she tried to speak again and shrugs her hand off my shoulder.
“Please?” I whisper and look away.
“Okay but you need medicine for that. Come down when you’re done and I’ll help you” she says leaving me no choice but to just nod.
“This can’t go on” she says lifting my chin up. Even she’s taller than I am. I just nod again.
“I know” I say above a whisper and she leaves closing the door on her way out.
I sigh and walk into my bathroom.
Miss Alice was wiping something on the floor when I entered the kitchen. The house was quiet and empty as usual and I’m used to it. The breakfast was already on the table.
“Mrs. Park left earlier today....... but she told me to tell you that she loves you tho......and to have a great day” miss Alice says and I look at her.
She always tries to cheer me up in every way possible. I know my mother would never say that, she’s too busy to even worry about me. Sometimes she forgets that she has a son.
I remember what she said one time when I walked down the stairs startling her.
′Crap, I thought the house was empty?′
I sit down waiting for miss Alice to finish so we can eat. I don’t like eating without her. When she’s done she sits in front of me with a smile on her face.
“What?” I ask her. She’s looking like there’s something on my face.
“I’m just curious” she says wiggling her eyebrows.
“Curious about what” I ask.
“Did you talk to the girl at the coffee shop you told me about?” she asks chewing on her food.
I shake my head no and eat my bacon.
This always happens and it’s nothing new. I find girls attractive but not in the way my mother describes the feeling and I lose interest.
“It’s okay, you’ll find her buddy just don’t rush it. You’re only 17” she says shrugging.
“But I’m tired of being alone all the time” I whine and lean against my chair.
“You have me, duh” she says rolling her eyes.
“Don’t you feel lonely being here with me?” I as curiously and she shakes her head.
“I enjoy your company” she says wiping her mouth and gets up.
“Come on Jakey smile for me” she says pinching my cheeks.
“I don’t have a reason to smile” I say pushing her hand away and her smile falters.
“You don’t need a reason to smile Jakey, it comes naturally” she says.
“I do” I say looking with a blank expression.
“Come on let me treat your bruise” she says soflty and I get up.
When she finishes she packs me food to eat in the library, kisses my forehead and I leave.
I don’t live too far from school so I usually walk even though I can drive.
I walk with my head down in the hallways, attention is the last thing I need on me. I make fast paces to my locker to get my history book. I was busy looking for it when something or rather someone hits my locker making me jump.
They laugh when my books fall all over the floor. When I bend over to pick it one of them kicks it to the other side of the hall. I huff in frustration.
“You wanna hang out again freak?” Deshaun asks with a smirk. I don’t pay attention and go to pick my book up.
“Why are you ignoring us” Dean says pulling my sweater almost choking me.
He pushes me and I hit the back of my head on the locker.
“I’m s-sorry, just l-leave me alone” I try to say.
“Yoo he’s gonna cry” Deshaun says and they laugh.
“punk ass lil boy, you a faggot aren’t you” Justin says lifting me up making my feet get off the floor. I close my eyes and wait for this to be over.
He lets go and I fall on the floor hitting my elbow in the process. I shut my eyes tighter to prevent the tears.
I could hear them laughing and hitting each other.
“Did you see his face?” I could hear Dean say and they laugh louder.
I stay on the floor until the bell rings and to make sure they already left for class. I get up, wipe myself and pick my books up. Some of the kids point to my direction and snicker. Some just look utterly disgusted.
It’s the third period and I’m in math class which I love very much. School has started for a while now and the teacher loves my performance so far. She says I might get someone to tutor by the end of this month if I keep it up. This is why I kind of stopped doing my homework because I don’t want to tutor any one at all.
I’m not exactly what you would call a nerd. I love reading novels in the library and I do my work on time but I’m still far from a nerd. I enjoy watching the stars and the moon at night. I most definitely love daydreaming and procrastinating.
I feel something hit my chair and I turn around to see Deshaun sitting behind me. I totally forgot that we have almost the same classes, just my luck. I turn around quickly and he hits it again.
“Gimme me a pen freak” he says too close to my ear and I lean forward.
He kicks my chair again and I give him my pen leaving me with my pencil.
I pay attention to what the teacher is saying for the rest of the class.
Relief wash over me when I hear the lunch bell ring and I pack my stuff rushing out of the classroom. I could hear Deshaun calling me but I ran to my safe haven without looking back.
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