Ethan knows exactly what buttons to push to make me explode, I swear that guy makes my stomach turn and become a not to the point that all my anger wants to come out like vomit. I don't know why I'm even letting him on my trip anymore after he invited that worthless excuse of a woman, how dare he! I gave him valid reasons to not invite her, this isn't even a trip he planned or had the idea of!. He's such an ass I swear I hate him so much sometimes.
Deep breathing was the best and only thing I could do right now especially since I'm driving back to my house and all this rage and fury was making me step a little too hard on the speeding pedal. I get why he did it though, it's all part of our wicked game of lust. I'll admit I'm guilty of doing stuff like that to make him mad and jealous.
Seriously making Ethan jealous and see his pretty hazel eyes look at me with so much anger is probably one of my favorite things to do in life. It's always such a fun and desirable experience, just thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach of how good our makeup sex is. We've always had an attraction for each other, we love teasing and fucking around. We're stupid teenagers and I wonder what's going to happen to us when we become adults? Are we still going to keep going like this or are we finally going to be official? I always ask myself those things yet I know exactly what the answer is I just ignore it and pretend I don't know because it is easier to lie to myself than face the truth.
I've liked Ethan for as long as I can remember. You know when you're a little girl and you watch Disney movies, you fall in love with Prince Eric, Prince Naveen, Aladdin, or when you're 13 and fall for Troy Bolton, Jacob Black, then you turn 16 and learn what real men are and you fall in love with Edward Cullen, Damon and Stefan well...Ethan was that guy in my life. He was the guy I fell in love with even before I knew what love was. We've always had this indescribable yet strong bond that has never let us be away from each other or find love with someone else. We've tried in the past but it's like we're tied or "sired", destiny always finds a way of putting us back together. I love him but I've never told him, although in my opinion actions speak louder than words and I think I've shown him multiple times how much I love him. I've always waited for him to ask me that stupid romantic question just like you see in every romantic movie because even though I hate to admit it I am a helpless romantic, but to this day he hasn't.
Now, this does not mean I'm obsessed with him and if he doesn't ask me out I won't date anyone. Because, hey if the man doesn't have the balls to ask me to be his girlfriend then why not give myself a chance with another guy? And yes I know it hasn't worked in the past but things change, people grow, and sometimes you have to let go before the relationship breaks you. My whole life I've lived with Ethan on my side and although I love him and the bond we have I can't be blind my whole life, I see how our relationship has taken a toll on me.
Even though everyone knows we are not together people still assume we are and they basically view us as a couple. I can not tell you the number of pictures and papers that have been posted of us, saying we are dating. Thanks to all of that it is very hard to try to build a relationship with another person. I can not count the endless amount of times a guy I meet somewhere and we are hitting it off pretty well tells me, wait aren't you dating Ethan Hastings? And when that comes out of their mouth I'm completely turned off and want nothing to do with them. Just hearing Ethan's name when I'm with another guy makes me feel guilty like I'm cheating on him but you can't actually cheat if you are not dating that person so sometimes I do fight the feeling and don't let it ruin my night.
You remember when I said things change, people grow, and sometimes you have to let go before the relationship breaks you? Well, all of those thoughts came from somewhere, they have a name and last name. At the beginning of this summer, my family and I decided to go to Madrid and explore the capital. We had so much fun and one night when my sister, my two brothers and I went out to a club I met a guy. His name is Harold and for the first time, I felt a spark I've only felt with Ethan, although it was a bit different but in a good way.
Harold Dankworth. How can I even begin to describe that guy? When I saw him at the club that night I knew he was a piece of art, he kept looking at me and we exchanged a few smiles and winks. When he approached me it was clear to me that the man was absolutely gorgeous. Im a confident girl yet his tallness and muscular body intimidated me in a way that didn't scare me he just intrigued me and I knew I wanted to know more about him. He has blonde long but short, curly hair that since the minute the light hit it I imagined running my fingers through his perfect curls. And don't let me get started with his beautiful emerald eyes that are just as hypnotizing as snake eyes and his perfect white teeth smile that is so contagious, his smile was so perfect that it had evil written all over it. When he spoke I was completely mesmerized by his low, husky voice and his sexy British accent.
My past relationships haven't worked out because of my friendship with Ethan. But I'm honestly tired of that, I'm willing to leave Ethan and just be friends with him for Harold. I want to be able to actually find love and have a healthy relationship. Talking to my therapist made me realize that my current relationship with Ethan is going to end up hurting both of us, it's not healthy and I'll hate myself if I ever lost him as a friend. I already feel like it's hurting me and actually, the more I think about it the more I come to realize how much it has affected my life. There is no point to keep waiting on something that is never going to happen. We've known each other for a long time if he loved me or even liked me a little he would have made a move by now and he hasn't. I was blind before, I was willing to wait for him until he was ready to commit to us but I've waited long enough, Im done and I think now it is finally time to move on, Harold made me realize that.
Harold is such a sweet guy and I don't want to lose him for something that is not going anywhere. Harold and Ethan met one night when Aaron invited all of us to his house for a pool party, Harold was around because he was in LA recording the last two songs of his new album so when he told me he was free I immediately invited him to come and hang out with us. The vibe between Harold and the guys was off since the minute Ethan walked in and saw him. The guys love kissing Ethan's ass so I was not surprised when all of the sudden they were absolute assholes to Harold. Ethan has no reason to dislike Harold, his only reason is jealousy and honestly, I could care less about his stupid jealousy. Ethan fucks around with girls he knows I hate and he only does it to get me mad. I love Ethan and the game we have and have had for years. The years of teasing and fucking around have been amazing but I don't want that anymore. Trust me when I say I feel something with Harold and I'm willing to risk it all for him because he feels right. He makes me feel a way I have never felt before and not only that but he's shown me a way of caring for someone that I have never experienced.
I hope our trip goes well, I really tried to make it the best trip we've ever had. And even though Ethan decided to invite Ariana to the trip I'll still try to be nice to her as long as Ethan is nice to Harold.
I got to my house and as soon as I entered I was greeted by my lovely brother Blake. Blake is my 2nd oldest brother. My oldest brother is Mario he's 22 and he's my mother's right hand, he's her ears and eyes. Mario is a good brother but he's more business and being on my mom's good side than anything else. He became the man of the house when dad left. Mario used to be different, loving, mind-free, out there, he just used to be alive and actually enjoyed living it. Now I just feel like he lives and breathes because he has to not because he wants to which makes me sad and I get why he's the way he is dull and dry. Now there's my brother Blake and my sister Catalina but we call her Cat who are twins and they're 20 years old. Blake has always been crazy but it got worst when dad left and he dragged Cat with him. Cat was an excellent student, her modeling and acting career was amazing she was at the top of everyone but when dad left everything crumbled. Blake and her started drinking like crazy and as the months went by it became worst to the point that one day I found Blake with cocaine and Cat with weed which is something we all promised we'll never do. The news about our parent's divorce and their uncontrollable behavior was everywhere on the talk shows, social media, and magazines. My mom was going through a lot. Ever since then the trust my mom had in both Blake and Cat vanished but thankfully they got help and even though they're not 100% over with their addiction problems and partying they're doing better each day, Cat more than Blake.
"Hey princess," Blake smiled as I entered the house. His blonde hair was messy, I rolled my eyes when I noticed his blue eyes were bloodshot red and when he hugged me and kissed my forehead I could smell the weed off his clothes. Like I said he is not 100% back on track but at least he is only consuming weed and not cocaine.
"I told you to never call me that again!" I pushed him away and he gave me an apologetic smile. I hated when people called me princess, it brought memories back to my head, memories I've been trying to bury for years.
"Sorry," he said knowing the reason behind why I hate that nickname "What are you doing tonight?" He asked as we walked upstairs to my room, well more like he followed me up to my room and before I could close the door in his face he entered
"I'm going to pack because I'm leaving for Bora Bora with my friends" He laid on my bed with his head on my legs, I smiled as I played with his hair. Blake and I were really close, closer than you would expect sibling to be and because of that a few years ago mom send him away to Spain, he spent two whole years there and I was the only one who wasn't allowed to visit him. When he got back our relationship was weird, we felt like we were always being watched but I guess right now no one besides Cat was home and that's why he decided to enter my room.
"By friends you mean the twins?" He raised an eyebrow and laughed. Since he is always out late he's the one who has caught me sneaking out or arriving at 6 am in the morning from the twins house, and although I never actually told him what was going on he's not as stupid and he was quick to put one and two together. And well my friendship with Ethan and Easton is no secret at all but Blake knows something more than just what everyone else sees.
"I hate you" I laughed with him "they're not the only friends I have," I said acting offended and avoiding the obvious
"They're the only people you hang out with aside from Becky"
I slapped him gently, he grabbed his cheek and whined like a baby as if I had just hit him with a brick hand "I'm going with all my friends even Harold is going"
As those news came out of my mouth he immediately sat up "Oh shit," he said surprised
"What?" I asked confused
He raised his eyebrows making the surprised look on his face more dramatic because of course if it isn't a dramatic expression it's not Blake who you are looking at, he stood up and my eyes followed him, he grabbed my face making me look straight into his icy blue eyes "What Blake!" I yelled removing his hand from my face
He looked at me one last time and laughed in my face. I still had no idea what or why he was laughing at me but it was starting to really annoy me.
I pulled an Uno reverse card on him and grabbed his face making him look straight into my eyes, he smiled trying to stop his laughter
"If you don't tell me what the fuck you're talking about I'm going to hurt you" I threaten him
"And do what?" His tone of voice challenged me as he got closer to me. Those icy blue eyes froze my mind every time I stared at them a little too long, this is why we can't be together in a room alone.
"Blake stop" I whispered not being able to control my breathing, my morals almost betraying me just like in the old days
"Stop what?" He smiled. His eyes went from mine to my lips and without realizing it I was already biting my lower lip
"Blake... please the door is not locked" I stutter
He slowly backed away and walked towards the door locking it
"Blake you're fucking crazy, stop!" I quietly screamed at him so no one would hear me
"Stop what?" He said offended "You're fucking paranoid. Anyways who's this Harold kid?" He asked
For a moment I thought it was going to happen again, I'm relieved it didn't.
"Remember about the guy I met at that club in Madrid?"
"Oh, Harold Dankworth!" He said with a smile "He's a nice guy according to Ander"
Ander is one of Blake's best friends who he met when he was living in Spain. Coincidentally he also happens to be Harold's friend and that is who Harold was with at the club the night we met.
"He really is, he's beyond nice and just has these gorgeous emerald eyes that are so-" I stopped myself when I saw Blake's face
"Damn," he said again giving me that same surprised look as before yet this one was genuine it did not have sarcasm in it
"What Blake !" I screamed
"Nothing" he laughed "Just the stupid smile you have when you talk about him," I was about to argue with him for saying that until I realized he was right as I saw myself in the mirror "A smile that I've only seen when you talk about Ethan" he continued as he unlocked the door and left my room
I closed my door completely and locked it. Was he right? I asked myself as I laid on my bed.
After a few hours of overthinking and staring at the wall like a complete idiot, I started to pack. In less than an hour, I already had two suitcases filled with things, one with swimsuits and the other one with shoes. I still needed to pack my clothes and my makeup but at least I was halfway done with packing. I was choosing between a pink monochromatic outfit and a beige and white outfit when my phone rang. I quickly ran towards my nightstand and without looking at who it was I answered.
"Hello, beautiful" I heard a voice say, and immediately I knew it was Ethan. Why on earth would he call me right now? After what he did he should know he is the last person I want to speak to, but of course, it's Ethan so he wants to get under my skin a little bit more as if what he did wasn't enough already.
"What do you want ?" I asked annoyed " I'm busy right now "
He laughed "What? Are you with that British guy?"
"His name is Harold and no I'm not with him, and if I was why do you care? Don't you have your sweet and precious Ari?"
"Yeah you're right, have fun fucking Harold. But just remember I'm the only man who makes you feel like a real woman" the cockiness in his voice made me want to gag but my lady down there drowned as those last words left his mouth. And then poof! All the desire I had for him a second ago disappear as his first words replayed in my head, Yeah you're right, have fun fucking Harold. How dare he say that to me, especially knowing he's been the only guy I've ever been with. What hurt me the most was that I could just imagine the smirk he had plastered on his face when he said it.
"I'm not even with Harold!" I repeated just this time my voice was loud with a hint of anger "And don't fucking talk to me like that asshole, I've never fucked anyone but you, and you know that" I screamed
"Are you sure about that? Because that's not what I saw at Christian's party last year when I found you and Jake all over each other "
Mmmm man this guy really knows how to piss me off, he remembers shit that happened a year ago but he doesn't remember a girl he fucked a week ago. But then again I can't say anything about the girls he fucks because we are not together but when it comes to me he can say all he wants about the guys I messed around with and make me feel ashamed or even guilty of being with them.
"Are you serious !?" I screamed again "A heated make-out is not sex you fucking lunatic. His dick never went up my pussy. The fact that you even have the balls to bitch about shit that happened years ago! when Jenny literally told me you were fucking her last week "
"I was drunk" he argued
"Okay and?" I was so mad I felt like I was about to explode, and honestly, I had a reason to be this mad. I hate how he is when it comes to things like this, he always has an excuse for the things he does but in his eyes, I never have a good enough excuse for the things I've done. "I was drunk too and you still to this day bitch about it. I don't even know why you care."
I could hear her voice soften as she said that last sentence. My heart broke and I immediately felt like an asshole. It's truly never my intention to hurt her feelings, sometimes I go too far with my words and I say things that I don't mean. I know she owes nothing to me because we are not together but I can't control my tongue sometimes, especially when we argue about this. I don't even know why I brought Harold in the conversation in the first place but I was still so annoyed and angry at her for inviting him, I let all those emotions combined with jealousy speak, and now I have Kenna in the other line about to break down. I don't know why but she cares about my opinion on her more than she should and today I took advantage of that. Bringing the situation with Jake was stupid too, she is right that happened a year ago, she was drunk and I've already used that against her too many times. I remember the first few weeks and months after I found her at that party making out with Jake how guilty she felt for doing it and how I shamed her for it even though I'll hook up with girls every other week. It's stupid I know, and I also know I have no place to even call her out on that because she's single and she can do whatever she wants but just the idea of seeing her with another guy does not sit well with me and I'll do whatever I have to do to stop her from seeing someone else. Selfish? Maybe, but she's my girl.
The silence was long between us, I did know what to say I just couldn't say it. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and how fucking mad it makes me see her with other guys but I just couldn't. For some reason, those specific words couldn't come out of my mouth.
So like the idiot I am, I told her the only words that could come out of my mouth "I care because we're best friends, and I love you " fucking idiot.
She laughed, and even though she is a great actress I know her well enough to differentiate her real laugh and her fake laugh. This one was definitely the fake one. "Okay best friend stop worrying about my sex life. Shouldn't you be sleeping? Don't you have a date with Ari tomorrow?"
"It's 8:33 it's way too early for me to go to sleep" I simply said
"Well then go bother someone else," Silence, and then a huge sigh with a disbelief chuckle at the end "I still can't believe you invited Ariana"
"What?" I said in defense " She's a fun girl, I think she's a great person to be on the trip "
"Right?" She sarcastically laughed "Even though I was the one who came up with the idea of this trip and you damn well know I don't like that girl. Ethan, she's always talking badly about me and the rest of the girls, no one likes her "
"I like her " My word vomit is seriously bad, and I can't figure out how to stop it but at this point, I am just making things worst.
There was a small silence and I knew exactly what that meant. McKenna Black was mad, devil type of mad.
"Fuck you, Ethan. Then ] invite her on a trip you plan! Not to the one I planned! You're really pissing me off, I seriously wish I never invited you to this trip. It would've been so much better for just Harold and -" I cut her off
"You're bitching about Ari but you fucking know that none of us like Harold, we've had problems with him in the past"
"Yeah but I talked to the other guys about it and they said it was fine, Easton even told me it was a great idea to invite him that way y'all could squash y'alls stupid beef with him, plus the beef you had wasn't even with him it was with his brother! You guys didn't even know of Harold's existence before I introduced yall to him"
I turned around to Easton who was laying right next to me and punched him. How dare he? He's supposed to be on my side, not her side. And he damn well knows I like McKenna.
"Ow asshole !" He whined
"Ethan leave Easton alone, it's not his fault you're so fucking childish," Like always she was defending him
"I'm not fucking childish. But if you want me to stop bitching about Harold then stop bitching about Ari" My tone of voice was more serious than I intended to, but maybe it would get the message across. Maybe she'll realize how stupid her idea was of inviting Harold and finally she'll decide to disinvite him, once she does I'll disinvite Ari and we can all have a fun trip.
"The thing is I actually like and want something serious with Harold but you're just fucking around with Ari to get under my skin " I was not expecting that at all, I paused. I didn't know what to say, I was in shock and I felt a sharp pain in my chest almost losing air.
"Wait," I said softly "you..... you want something serious with Harold? Like relationship type of serious ?" My heart was breaking as I asked her that and so did my voice.
Please say no! Please! If she says yes my heart is going to crumble, I don't think I'll l be able to handle that pain.
"Yes," she said firmly " I want a relationship with Harold, I really like him "
My heart broke into a million pieces when she said that.
"What about us?"
"There is no us Ethan. We're just best friends, you made it that way "
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