My eyes follow the people on the flashing screen, everything changed so quickly and I didn’t understand what was going on.
But I liked it at the same time, well I think I did.
They were loud, sometimes they were smiling and then there was water leaking from their eyes.
It didn’t make sense.
I think they’re trapped in the screen.
They are not trapped, they’re actors - Roger mumbles but he didn’t sound as mean as he always did.
He sounded sad.
......are you okay?
I had hoped that you would’ve been better by now - He says sounding tired and sad still, both. Perhaps even remembered.
Remembered what? - I ask but he doesn’t answer. It’s quiet for a long time before he speaks again.
I want to teach you a little trick.
Is it bad?
No. It’s like when I take control of my wolf, just a little different - I smile at this, I liked when he took control, I could relax into my primary form.
I quickly take off the flashy screen and put away my grapes. Today I was eating green grapes because Levi said we had no more red ones, but I liked these just as much so it was okay.
Just close your eyes and breathe.
I’m already breathing.
I’m just saying, I’m already breathing so to tell me to start to breathe doesn’t make sense s-
Shut the fuck up Jayson and close your stupid eyes! - Roger shouts so I listen with a little smile, he sounded like Roger again. Okay dumbass, just sit back and focus on pushing me forward. Imagine it to be like how we do it in wolf form, except your in human form. Relax and let me take control. Trust that I’ll protect you.
It wasn’t hard to do as he said. Letting him come forward while I fell back, it was easy because I did trust Roger.
I hated Roger, very much, but I trusted him too.
Everything slowly became dark and I knew I was okay.
(IT’S IN CAPS CAUSE I’M HYPED)
I feel Jayson sink into the back of my mind and I can’t help but smile, he may have been an idiot but he needed some help and rest.
There was no doubt in my mind that all this, becoming mates, a new home, a pack full of wolves that despised him, would become too much for him pretty soon. Then we’d find ourselves in quite the predicament where he’d snap again, but this time I’d help him before he hurt someone else besides himself.
“Hey J, I know you’re not too fond of eating squirrels but I didn’t see anything else on the hunt this morning.” Levi says as he walks into the living room where he’d left Jayson to prepare breakfast for himself. “I left it in the freezer so you can make it when you’re hungry.”
When my eyes land on him I can’t help but suck in a breath. I’d seen him several times through Jayson but never before like this, not where he was standing right before me and I could touch him myself.
My heart squeezed itself at his beauty, he’d grown nicely into his features from a child and I couldn’t help but smile a little at the memories of him that floated into my mind. But all too quickly, the knowledge that he was doing it all alone hit me hard and I was quickly reminded, as I often was, that I’d not only lost Levi that horrible day but the love of my life........ before I’d even gotten the chance to know him.
“It’s so good to see you.” I say as the tension that Jayson had morphed into his bones melted away. Levi’s eyes widened to the point I thought they’d pop as the glass of water slipped from his grasp and shattered against the wood flooring.
I cleared my throat with a rough cough as I stood to my feet. A piece of me wanted to laugh at the sound of Jayson’s heavy voice which was nothing like the squeaky one he had as a young teen. He’d probably talk all the time to show it off, if he would just remember.
Levi’s mouth remained agape, his eyes planted to me as if he’d seen a ghost, the sight a little too cute for me to withhold a smile. Before I scared him mind any further, it would probably be best to explain.
“I’m not J.” I state taking a small step towards him. “I’m Roger, his wolf.”
Levi’s mouth remained agape until the words seemed to finally hit him and he shut it quickly before swallowing a few times. He nodded aimlessly, mumbling incoherent words to himself as he glanced up at me several times before swallowing again.
“H-Hi.” He managed before looking down at his feet and the glass that surrounded him. “Shit.”
“Don’t move, I’ll clean it up.” I say before rushing to get the cleaning supplies.
I quickly put the pieces of glasses I could see in old pieces of newspaper before sweeping the rest together. I mopped the water before running a paper towel over the area a few more times to make sure I’d gotten all the remaining pieces of glass. Levi stared at me the entire time, his eyes wide as saucers with a look of shock and confusion that refused to leave.
Once I was finished, I stood tall and offered a hand which he took with ease. The plan was to sit him down for a talk, to explain everything that had happened to Jayson and our lives. Instead, I found my arms wrapped tightly around him as I held him close.
My heart raced in my chest as past worries and emotions all came flooding in at once. Guilt plaguing my thoughts as I held him closer, the things he must have suffered through without us made me hate myself more than I already did.
“I am so sorry.” I say into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry Levi.”
He stands still, not hugging me back but not pulling away either. Before things got more weird or awkward for him, I pulled away to give him some space.
“Let’s sit down.” I say offering him a weak smile. He nods and follows me to the couch where he’d originally left a very reluctant Jayson who’d only been swayed by the television and a bowl of grapes.
He was so fucking easy.
I decide to stay quiet and wait for him to say the first word. He was clearly confused and he had every right to be, his mate who he’d never spoken to before was suddenly talking and not being dumb like usual. Of course, it was a lot to take in to suddenly get an intellectual instead of an imbecile, I understood, so I was patient with him.
“How are you speaking right now?” He asks finally looking me in my eyes as if daring me to lie.
“Jayson isn’t mute, by birth at least, rather as a side effect.” I explain and this makes him frown.
“Side effect of what?” I open my mouth to reply but he cut me off with bulging eyes. “J-Jayson?”
I nodded trying not to show the sadness in my eyes. I had a lot of work to do, many things to unravel and others to uncover. All because the Moon Goddess decided to be a bitch and make those she created suffer, I’d be having a serious word with the cunt once I died.
“H-His name is..... Jayson?” He asks shakily and I nod once again. He takes a deep breath, his hand shaking slightly as he brought it down his face. He averted his eyes, his thoughts dragging him through visible hell but I didn’t sooth his pain, I needed him to come to it himself. Then those beautiful orbs shot up to mine before he asked, “I-In my old pack, before I was adopted, there was a Jayson. Is he.....i-is my J that Jayson?”
“Yes.” I answer and he stares at me for a moment longer before he buries his face into his hands.
He doesn’t make a sound, just sits there hiding from the world, the pain... me. I open my mouth several times, only to shut it again and again, not knowing if telling him would cause him more pain or relieve the one there.
Would it be too much for him or just what he needed? I wasn’t sure so I held my tongue and waited for him to make the decisions I couldn’t.
“Why don’t I remember him?” He says after removing his hands but not looking at me. His beautiful orbs filling quickly as his heart slowly picked up with anxiety. Those beautiful eyes....they were once a beautiful, olive green but now shone with darkness forged of history’s past, much like my own.
“I don’t know.” I say truthfully. I lean in a little, forcing myself to not kiss his hands and keep them warm within my own but to give him the space he clearly needed. “You were young and so much happened to you that never should have. I don’t blame you for pushing it all down and neither does Jayson.”
“He doesn’t remember either.” He states, not needing to ask and I nod once more to confirm the truth he already knew.
“You don’t remember your former life I suppose, but Jayson,” I say with a small sigh. “He doesn’t remember himself.” His watering eyes finally reach mine so I continue. “He doesn’t know the basic things of this world he once did, he forgot everything, his home, his parents, me and you. Everything got buried so deep until there was nothing left but a shell.”
“What happened to him?” He asks with a voice that broke one too many times.
“When you were....” I clear my tightening throat. “When they took you, it broke him.” I say squeezing my hands together to stop the shaking. “He look everywhere for you. Barely shifting back, hardly rested, ate... he never stopped looking for you. He just kept looking and I didn’t stop him, didn’t keep him safe, because I wanted to find you too. I encouraged him.....”
I look up to him as Levi’s small but warm hands find my own, tears blurred his features as they did my own. My insides twisting in repulsion and guilt for myself. Disappoint plaguing my mind for my many failures I knew I could never truly atone for.
“Eventually he stopped shifting back.” I manage. “He got so lost trying to find you that he lost himself. Days turned into months and he was still running, endlessly searching.” I needed him to know that we looked, that we tried to find him. That I tried. “When they broke him, I-I had no choice... I had to..”
“Y-You’re not making any sense.” Levi says with a small sob that tore the shattered remains of my heart straight from my chest.
“I had to save him.” I force out, avoiding his eyes. “H-He would’ve d-died if I didn’t, b-but I never imagined...”
He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Understanding escaping him as I continued to babble guilt-filled thoughts which had circulated within for far too long.
“I saved him.” I argued because I did, I saved him. If I hadn’t, he would’ve died. I saved him.
Levi pulls me into his chest and I hold onto him, letting him cradle me and anchor my weeping soul before I buried myself in guilt and sorrow. I didn’t want to admit what I knew deep inside. What I spent years denying..
I’d saved Jayson but ended up killing him myself.
Levi cried, silently, holding on to me as I did him. Wanting and wishing we didn’t end up like this but the way were supposed to, not in pain... not in misery.
So we cried in silent sorrow, mourning a past that was no longer present.
Light invades my vision as I rise with alarm. Looking around frantically, my sight flashes between memories of a place I once called home and the present.
Forcing myself to shut my eyes, I take deep breathes to calm down. Screams rand in my ears and blood splattered across my vision, the smell of death pungent in my head.
It takes time before I’m able to breathe normally and push away the memories. I open my eyes and look around, I’d fallen asleep on the couch but Levi was no longer holding me.
Standing, I followed his scent and the voices I’d only just seemed to pick up on. Making sure to move carefully, I approach the front door, I could smell Levi outside along with someone else.
“So your mate, is not only the beast but Jason as well?” I recognize the voice immediately, his father Julian.
“Dad I don’t know what’s going on.” Levi manages, his voice sounding just as destroyed as I felt. “Things were back on track, everything felt right again but now.... I don’t even know what’s going on.”
“Don’t try to understand everything at once, breathe through it and start from the beginning.” He instructs calmly, his gentle atmosphere soothing my tense mate.
“His wolf, Roger, said that J... Jayson doesn’t remember anything.” He says sounding confused. “That he was in wolf form for so long t-that he feel into that part of him. I’m not sure.”
“Well, no one is supposed to stay in wolf form for more than a day or two. It’s dangerous, the longer you stay in the form the more it takes over.” Julian says thoughtfully before pondering for a moment. “What else did he say?”
“That he saved him, that he had no choice but to do it.”
“Do what?” He asks with a frown.
“I don’t know.”
Silence lingers between them for a long moment and I can’t help but regret coming out. I wanted to bring clarity but my own despair just created more confusion.
“I’m not entirely certain but it sounds like if they both sunk into the wolf side completely.” Julian finally says. “I’ve never heard of that happening, but if both components went, in a sense ‘carnal’, then that’d explain some things.”
I mean, he wasn’t far off but he wasn’t their entirely. He really was a brilliant man, his intelligence was transparent and shone through equally in all his children.
I decide to let my presence be known and open the door. Both eyes shoot up to mine, questions racing through them but the primary one all too obvious.
“It’s still Roger, not Jayson.” I state, taking the few steps to meet them at the bottom of the stairs.
“It’s lovely to meet you Roger.” Julian greets with an outstretched hand and a small smile. I shake it and return the gesture.
“I’m sorry.” I blurt out making his eyebrows meet. “It was an accident, he didn’t mean.... he would never hurt you, not intentionally...” I shut my eyes to clear my thoughts. “Neither of us meant for things to escalate that far.”
When the subject dawns on him, his shoulders immediately tense and a noticeable shiver runs through his body. As if he was reliving the horrible occurance, the dread in his eyes mirrored the one that ran through my system.
“Jayson was confused. He had been alone for so long, with a goal and drive that made no sense. I mean, we thought Levi was dead, I thought he was gone. I felt the loss in my heart that night, so I was sure.... but it was the loss of someone else I felt.” I finish gently before letting my eyes meet Levi’s. Just the thought of him makes it hard to breathe. “Then he was there, standing right before us and suddenly I had a hope again and he just wanted to hold him, to see if he was real or just another hallucination.
You were in the way.. and I know that is no excuse. But instinct was in charge, someone was in the way and we just lost control.... I am so sorry, for the pain and the damage. I can never apologize enough for our actions and trust me when I say guilt follows me every day for my actions.”
His fierce, blue eyes gloss over for a signal moment, exposing the broken fragments he hid deep beneath. Tearing his gaze from he, he wipes at his eyes quickly before offering me a gentle smile and taking me into his arms.
His hold acts almost like a warm blanket, protecting me from the haunting cold of my past actions. As if protecting me from my demons, he holds me tight.
“I forgive you,” He says making me tense slightly, “both of you.”
Clarity and freedom bundled into one. A piece of the seemingly eternal guilt which haunts me is released from my mind and I quickly hug him back. Whispering my gratitude and further apologizes as I sink into him, wanting to feel this fatherly warmth just a little longer.
“It’s okay Roger.” He whispers while rubbing my back when the sobs begin. “It’s okay.”
Eventually, I calm enough to let him go and he smiles up to me with a look I’ve witnessed him give him children. Holding my face in his palms his hold my gaze.
“I know you have a good heart, I can feel it and Levi wouldn’t love you if you didn’t have one.” He says with a small chuckle. He opens his mouth to respond but is cut off by a deep, low growl.
My eyes immediately snap to the source, finding one of Levi’s siblings, Damon, glaring with glowing blue eyes that were meant to install fear into its victims.
“Get away from him!” He all but roars and it takes me a moment to realize that he meant his father. Sections of buried memories flashes before my eyes and the image of a smaller boy with similar eyes reminds me that on that unfortunate day, Damon was present in seeing that version of me which thirsted for blood and then witnessed his father face it.
“Damon, back down.” His father booms whilst taking a step to block his son’s dagger eyes from view of me. “He is not a threat.”
“How can you even say that?!” He exclaims with extending canines. “How many of our’s has he murdered in cold blood?! How many times have you had to tell families that they’ve lost one of their own to him?! He put you in a coma for months! You missed Peter’s first everything because of him!”
Sorrows swirls in the air, his anger building by the minute and as he listed my numerous mistakes I knew nothing could stop him from doing what he needed to do. He was an alpha, who failed to protect his own, his pack and the threat was right in front him. Much like his father, he wouldn’t stop until he’d had a go at me for himself. He needed to do this, for his own good.
“How can you even look at him?! He’s an animal!”
“He’s my mate!” Levi shouts back, also taking a step to block my path. Red eyes glow as bright as the fires within him as his talons extended. “You will not touch a hair on his head!”
I feel Jayson begin to become restless within, the feeling of a distressed mate seeming to make him wake up a bit. I quickly push him back knowing if he was to reappear now, with a threat before him, he wouldn’t hold back.
“It’s okay.” I say resting a palm on Levi’s shoulder before stepping around both him and his father to face the young wolf who looked shaken at my words. “I’m not Jayson, I’m his wolf.”
“That doesn’t change anything.”
“I don’t expect it to.” I say before pulling my shirt over my head.
“Damon stop this!” His father warns but it was clear that he wouldn’t. “Do not challenge him.”
“I’ll beat him!” He snaps back with a blinding rage.
“You want to kill me, go ahead and try. But you will yield.” I say seeming to snap the little bit of control he possessed.
His eyes flare once more, his eyes darkening considerably to a shade of blue that almost looked black. He doesn’t bother stripping before he runs at me, shifting mid-sprint and tearing the clothes around him in the process. I ignore Levi’s screams and accelerating heart as his bother rushes towards me, his abnormally large wolf carrying the promise of death in its wake. He jumps at me with a wide, jaw which thirsted for blood, but I my hands catch his wolf’s wrists allowing me to hold him back. The surprise is clear but he doesn’t let it waver him for a second. He snaps at me with his razor blade canines, clearly trying to bite my head off as his talons dug into my wrists.
I tighten my grip on him before digging my heels into the soil to keep him from overpowering me. With a growl of my own, I push back against him, using all my strength to throw him off of me. He rolls into his landing but is quick to his feet, before he can attack again, I’ve shifted and I’m on him.
Growls and snarls are shared between us as we fight without borders, his intent to kill unwavering as he attacked again and again. His canines found me again and again, his talons leaving new wounds and blood seeping from all over my body, but I didn’t feel any of it. I let him have his fun, let him give it his all before I decide to end the charade.
Catching his shoulder into my jaw mid-jump, he releases a loud cry that is followed by disgruntled whimpers as I slammed him into the ground, never releasing my death lock. I sink my teeth in further, letting the blood ooze from him as he cries bellow me, his father’s rage from behind me the only thing which stops me. I release him before shifting quickly and pressing my foot into the wound making him cry out again.
“Yield!” I roar loudly, my voice echoing through the woods.
He thrashes beneath me, trying to escape but the wound made him immobile. Despite the clearly excruciating pain, he wouldn’t give up.
“I am almost twice your age with a wolf twice the size of yours. I’ve lived as an animal for the past thirteen years, I’ve faced creatures of all kinds much worst than you and I’m still standing. There will never be a scenario where you beat me...... so yield.” I growl with a voice leaking with venom and authority.
Eventually he stops thrashing and his body becomes limp. Knowing he’d never admit defeat, I release my foot from him and back away, his father immediately rushes to his side but Damon gets up and runs away still in wolf form.
Levi comes to me quickly and I allow myself to rest on him for support, fighting an alpha pup and keeping Jayson sated had taken its toll on me and I couldn’t hide it any longer.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” He whispers to me, sounding conflicted between blaming me and blaming his brother.
“He wouldn’t have stopped until he had a go at me, better me than Jayson.”
“But you didn’t have to embarrass him.” Julian hisses making my eyes shoot up to him. It was the first time since meeting him that I’d seen all parts of him in one; the father, the caregiver and the alpha. His eyes glowed a bright blue with an all too familiar rage, telling me exactly where his son had gotten it from. “He’s a pup, a proud, alpha pup! He didn’t know any better but to feel protective!”
“That’s why I didn’t kill him.”
It wasn’t meant to be a threat, but it clearly sounded like one by the way Julian’s eyes flared. He took a step towards me before he shut his eyes tightly and took a few deep breaths.
-“I like you Roger, I like Jayson as well. You’re good for Levi.” He says before finally re-opening his eyes, ice runs down my spine at the look he sends my way. “But if you ever, lay a hand one of my children again, even my love for Levi can’t stop me from removing your head from your body.” I can’t help but gulp. “I was pregnant and weakened all those years ago. I’m fine now and trust me when I say I won’t be merciful.”
“Dad.” Levi squeaks, sounding broken at the promise his father just made. “Stop please.”
Julian’s eyes soften finally before he releases an exhausted breath.
“I’m sorry Levi.” He says before rubbing his temples. “I should go find your brother and calm Aiden down, he’s picking up on our emotions and he’s worried so I should go before he starts searching.”
“Okay.” Levi says sounding almost relieved.
“I’ll leave you to it then.” He says before pressing a kiss to Levi’s forehead and making his way home.
We stand in silence for a moment longer before returning to the house. Finding ourselves back on the couch, Levi forces me to shift so he can tend to my healing wounds, his eyes welling with tears as he does so.
“Why do things have to be like this?” He says with a shaking lip as he wipes at one of his brother’s bite marks to my leg. I look to him sadly, wondering for the umpteenth time if it would’ve been better for Levi if he never met Jayson and me at all. “It’ll only get worse, I can feel it.”
I shift with this and pull him into my arms. Holding him tight to me as I whispered sweet nothings and let him hold onto me.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper when he finally calms down. “I’m so sorry.”
When he continues to cry I know it’s time to let Jayson back out, he needed him at this moment.
“I’m going to let Jayson back,” I start making his head shoot up. “In the future, I’d like to explain everything, all of it, but it seems like I keep making you more confused whenever I try. So, we should take it slow. We can talk sometimes and little by little, I’ll explain it all to you.”
He nods in agreement and I smile at this, grateful that he even wanted to see me again. I look deep into those black eyes, wishing I could’ve protected him from all of this. I brush away the blinding thoughts and press a gentle kiss to his forhead, lingering there for a moment longer.
“I love you Levi.” I whisper before giving up the reigns to Jayson who was all too ready to get back to our perfect mate.
Fuck that was intense.
Sorry it took so long to update, as I said I had MOCs but I only have one MOC exam left so I took the time to write.
Did u like Roger’s first appearance? Thoughts on fight scene?
I tried to make it extra long and good.
Don’t know when I’ll write again, can’t promise next week but
Until next time,