I swear y’all suck the fucking life out of me. Here’s another update because of the pleads.
lol y’all bitches hate Isabel so much now 😂😂
I lean against the door letting out a shaky breath, closing my eyes tightly as I run my hand through my hair. I could hear Julian’s sobs from here, each was like a small cut to my skin that was growing more painful with more. I wanted desperately to run inside and hug him, tell him I forgive him and go back to how we were but I couldn’t, we couldn’t. I force myself to walk away from the door and head back to the field where I was before he came running outside.
Imagine my surprise when I’m plucking weeds around the border of the property and find Julian passed out behind a bush. My instincts kicked in before my mind did and I brought him to the house and cleaned him up, he looked like just skin and bones with heavy bags under his puffy eyes. I couldn’t do anything until he woke up so I had to wait, I sat by his side for a full day until he started to come to. It pained me honestly to see him like that and my plan to make him leave when he woke up went out the window, especially since he passed out after drinking some water.
I couldn’t feel Alex - Max says nervously with a low whine, he has been mostly quiet since we left. I knew he was mad too but leaving wasn’t what he wanted, but he understood why I did and didn’t fight me on it.
Don’t worry too much, I bet he’s fine - I say trying to calm him, he fades before I can say anymore. I sigh as I pick up my axe and head back into the tree I was cutting down.
This place was my sanctuary, my version of heaven. The first time I completely lost it, I didn’t know what to do and neither did my parents and after months of attacking people with only signs of me getting worse I ran away. I didn’t want to burden my parents with my uncontrollable rage, a lovely side affect from what the rogues did to me. I somehow found my way straight back to the factory where my dad found me and killed all the rogues, it was a bloody mess which only harbored all my rage. It only intensified as the memories came crashing back, desperate to release all the pain and anger I threw the first punch at a broken pipe and that’s all it took. I started breaking everything in my path, until it was only standing on it’s foundations. The rage left me, well most of it, destroying the place that destroyed me was a cure of sorts. So I went back home and fought the rest of the voices and pain off and for the first time in months felt peace.
That’s how it started, whenever something would push me back to my past I would come back and take my anger out here, that worked until there was nothing but rubble left. So I started building, I stayed secluded and worked through my issues before going back home.
This time was much worse since this time involved my mate, it never did before since I never had one, no matter how much I built the pain didn’t fade and kept eating away at me. I felt a momentarily release when I found Julian, seeing him for the first time after so long immediately cleared the dark clouds that hovered above me. I knew he was the only way I’d get better this time but he was also the reason I was in this position, so it left me here cutting a fucking tree down.
Julian’s cries continue to rush into my ears making my cut even harder, he was emitting waves of so much pain. I hated it. It hurt me incredibly to hear him crying, I hate when he cries, I rather him angry than sad. I feel my knees shaking slightly under me as he continues to wail, I hit again and again until the tree come crashing down. I turn my feet to go to him but stop halfway, he was feeling nothing compared to what I was. What am I saying, that doesn’t matter.
This is so confusing!
I decide against my better judgement and shift and run away from the house. If I went back and comforted him nothing would change, so I ran, like a coward. Heading into the unfamiliar woods, I block Max’s warnings along with my own and move forward, running further and further from Julian’s cries until they’re inaudible.
I open the door making him lift his head up from his knees which were tucked up right under him. He watches me with a quivering lip accompanied by his red eyes. I divert my own as I close the door behind me, locking the darkness of the night outside before walking further inside. I head straight to the bathroom ignoring the feeling of his eyes on me, I grab some clothes before closing the door behind me and locking it. As soon as I turn the knob my body screams out in pain as my heart squeezes itself, Max howls loudly in my ears as my blood boils under my skin. It felt similar to the pain I felt the first day we found out we were mates and I closed the door, I unlock it quickly and open it slightly catching a glimpse of Julian’s panting figure as he leans on the bed frame for support. I fight the urge to go to him and undress instead before getting in the shower, I let out an exhausted breath as the steaming, hot water slides down my skin. I’m guessing since we weren’t in the best place that we were slowly returning to square one, our relationship was at a disheartening low and it was putting a clear strain on our bond. When I’m done scrubbing myself clean, I throw on my clothes before heading back into the room finding Julian in the same place I left him. His eyes immediately rise to meet me as I quickly look away, seeing him look so weak and broken was its own form of torture.
I grab some things from the kitchen before quickly making him another sandwich. He takes it without a word when I hand it to him, eating it slowly before gulping down the water I give him. I watch to make sure he finishes everything while he stares at the floor blankly, when he’s done I dump the plate in the sink along with my own. It was pretty late and uncomfortable, so I head to bed only to hesitate when I remember Julian is here. It never stopped me before but now I found it hard to lay with him. I hadn’t slept at all since I left. I physically couldn’t without feeling him wrap around me as he always did and I wanted nothing more every single night, he was here now and yet.... I couldn’t.
Making a makeshift bed on the couch, I lie down with my back facing him so I don’t have to see him.
“You can sleep here.” He says softly, the hope and fear so clear in his voice that it broke my heart. We fought a lot over the months, some times we wouldn’t talk to each other for days but every night we’d sleep together despite our conflicts. This was the first time it was so bad that we didn’t sleep together.
“I’m fine.” I mumble feeling my body tighten everywhere as the words leave my mouth. I dig my nails into my skin to drown the emotional pain with a physical one.
“P-please.” He begs shakily, I could hear his heart hammering and his desolation in his voice.
“Good night Julian.” I force myself to say making a low cry escape his lips. I compel myself with everything I have to not turn around, if I even looked at him right now I’d go to him and I knew I couldn’t. His sobs become muffled, probably because of the sheets, each one making my mind scream from the agonizing pain it caused me. I hated this, the new separation between us, the constant emotional heartache...it was too much.
I hate not having him in my arms.
I blink my eyes open in surprise that I went to sleep last night, maybe having Julian in the room was enough. Something shifts against me making me freeze, I look down to see Julian clinging onto me with his arms hugging me as our legs remained entangled, my arms were around him and his head was tucked under my neck.
Despite my better judgment, I allow myself to relish in the feeling of having him so close again, his warm body, his faint snores and his addicting scent right under me. Before I know it I press a light kiss onto his head, I felt my entire being buzz with happiness from the connection making me shiver slightly. He starts shifting a little until a small yawn escapes his lips and his eyes slowly flutter pen under his long lashes. He looks up at me slowly with nervous eyes as his grip tightens unconsciously.
“I’m s-sorry.” He stutters although he makes no signs of moving. I say nothing not really having the right words as I sit up and remove him from me as I head to the bathroom, I return when I’m in a better state of mind to find him cooking.
“You shouldn’t be standing.” I say rushing towards him.
“I’m fine.” He replies, keeping his eyes on the stove. I watch him with an aching heart at the feeling of seeing him cook again, I barely ate since I left, over the months I’d become addicted to the image of Julian cooking with a smile and simply couldn’t without him. Seeing him like this was so satisfying since I’d missed it so much, I missed his laugh, his small smiles, his warmth.....his kisses.
“Are you going to come back home?” He asks carefully as we eat silently at the table.
“When I’m better.” I say making his eyes dart up questioningly before they become coated with pain. I knew what I said yesterday cut deep but it was the truth, I didn’t trust him anymore.
“I don’t know how long it’ll take so you should head back.” I say making him tense as he stops eating to look at me with fearful eyes. “The pack needs at least one of us, you’ve already been gone too long.”
“No.” He says making me frown as his eyes strength considerably.
“It wasn’t a suggestion.” I say firmly.
“It’s not an opinion.” He says challengingly. “I’m not going back without you. I’m not leaving until we fix this no matter how long it takes. I’m not leaving.”
“Julian..” I warn.
“Don’t Julian me!” He exclaims making my eyes widen as he stands to his feet. He’d been really quiet since he came, I guessed he was trying to keep a sense of peace. “I won’t leave, I can’t. You don’t know because you weren’t there. Spending everyday in our home without you there, hanging on to anything I could find with your scent, avoiding rooms you used the most.......staring at your spot in the bed.” He confesses as I stare at him in both shock and guilt. “I’m not going back without you.” He says before walking to the bathroom.
I stay planted to my seat as I think about what he just said. It was becoming clear that Julian felt the pain of our separation more than I did. It was common between mates who’s bond broke that the one who broke it didn’t feel it as bad as the other and I guess that applied to our situation.
I missed him profusely but it broke him a little, I was able to eat sometimes he didn’t eat at all, I thought about him all the time but I seemed to have drowned his mind. I couldn’t imagine being home without him there and he had to endure that for weeks, I felt my guilt double as he came outside wearing my clothes which easily brought a familiar sense of joy to me along with a very faint streak of lust.
I had planned to spend that day like I had everyday up to now but I don’t think I could leave him again. Before I can say anything he makes his way over carefully to where he was seated as he fiddles with fingers.
“I know you don’t trust me anymore, I understand why. But I’ll earn it back.” He says with determination. “No matter how long it takes or what I have to do, I will prove to you that I am truly sorry and I will never ever do this to you again. I’ll prove to you how much I love you. I mean it Aiden, I love you....so much that it hurts that you think that I don’t because I do. You’re my world and everything I have, without you my life is meaningless, I don’t know w-what to do or how to b-breathe. I can’t sleep without you holding me, I c-can’t eat, I can’t think of a-anything but you and I need you to believe me when I say I love you because I do. I love you and I am so sorry. I’m so sorry Aiden.” He finishes panting slightly as tears stream down his face, his unsettled, glossy blue orbs searching mine intently.
I stay silent not sure how to respond to so much honesty as he wipes his tears away before taking a deep breath.
“I said I’d win back you’re trust and I am serious.” He says shakily before taking another deep breath as he looks at me nervously. “I have to tell you something, about my trips to the woods.” He says making my eyes widen. “It’s time I told you about Oliver.”
Don’t even ask for another chapter tonight. Don’t do it, I refuse.
I’m here like, this shit is deeper than I thought. Like damn Julian you reallyyyy fucked up, lol.
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Until next time,