(Again! I want Emitt! I want to know what he’s thinking - fuck off)
I lay in my bed with Thing on my lap and a book in my hand as I read to myself.
It was a quiet day.
Like all my days often were and even though I wanted to be out there doing something, the pack was buzzing about only one person and that just made things hard for me.
It was becoming hard to live in this pack.
He made life hard.
But he also made it bright.
So I guess my life was a dull grey.
I stayed inside like I’d done before and I kept to myself, finding mediocre ways to entertain myself and make the time go by.
It used to work.
Now it didn’t.
The world moved slower and felt heavier. Everything was complicated yet so simple it made my brain hurt.
I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn’t.
I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t.
I wanted to feel his warmth, but he’d reject my cold.
The simple solution, avoid him.
The problem, I loved him.
Thing scratches at my hand in annoyance when I stopped stroking his back making me frown. I swear sometimes I just wanted to throw the thing off of the rooftop but I knew he’d just walk it off.
So I just kept rubbing him and tried to keep my attention on the pages in front of me, but that was proving an impossible task since I hadn’t once turned the page in an hour.
The hard thumping on my front door startled me a bit. I was so distant in my thoughts that I didn’t hear anyone approaching. The knocking came again jolting me out of my bed and down a long hallway, it took a couple of minutes, but soon enough, I was at the front door and swinging it open.
Should I be happy or sad
“Hi.” He says with a wide smile as Amelia rested on his hip.
“Hello.” I say after a while of processing.
“Hey!” Amelia says with excitement.
I hadn’t got a chance to spend much time with her yet and I couldn’t help that smile that found its way on my lips because of her.
“Hello Amelia, how are you?” I ask, my eyes stuck to hers.
“Great! But it’s cold.” She says with a pout. “Winter is mean.”
“It sure is.” Emitt says as he bounces her a bit making her giggle. “Can we come in?”
“What’s this about?” I question pulling the door in a bit. I didn’t mean to come off as rude but I knew I didn’t want Emitt’s scent in the house if I could avoid it. It’d linger and it would make me even more restless at nights than I already was.
“Um.” He starts, sounding a bit dejected. “I thought that maybe you’d like to spend the day with Amelia. I should’ve called I know, but I tried your old phone and it was out of service. And I don’t know you’re new number.”
“I don’t have a phone.” I reveal making his eyes widen. “There’s no need for one.”
“Oh okay.” He says nibbling on his lip as he tries to restrain our feet restless daughter. “So what do you say?”
I look to Amelia who was staring at me with so much hope and bubbling excitement that made my heart melt in an instant. I’d give up my nights in a heartbeat if it meant I had her for a few hours.
“Sure.” I say opening the door for them to enter. I close it behind them as I take a deep breath to ground me, my mind and soul was restless and a howling Tobias didn’t help.
“This place is huge!” Amelia exclaims as she swings around in Emitt’s hold, him following me to the living room.
I could see why she’d be amazed, the hallways were long with skillfully chiseled, stone pillars and ceilings too high for me to touch. “It’s like a castle!”
I just smile at her enthusiasm as we enter the living room, well one of many. Sitting down on the opposite couch, there isn’t a moment to breath before Thing comes running in and jumps on my lap.
He hisses at Emitt and Amelia making me frown angrily as I hold him close, if he did anything to them it’d just make me hate him more.
“You have a cat?!” Amelia squeals slipping out of Emitt’s hands and waddling over to me, she leans against the couch that was a bit too high for her to climb and stared at the cat that was still hissing at her defensively.
“Be careful.” I warn but she stretches her hand out anyway and receives a scratch from Thing. I expected her to cry or scream, but she just giggled and dragged the cat into her arms before he could run away.
She seemed fascinated by the cat who didn’t want to be anywhere near her and kept him tight in her chest, soon he gave up and just enjoyed the attention I would never give him.
“What’s his name?” She asks beaming up at me, she was seated at my foot on the fuzzy carpet. Her small palm still stroking the demon cat.
“Thing.” I state making her thin eyebrows pulled together and she tilted her head over a bit to the right.
“Thing?” She repeats and I nod. “Like a thing?”
“Yes.” I reply. She stares at the cat for a bit as she processes the information just divulged onto her before looking back up at me and giggling.
“I like it.” She states making me smile as well.
“I thought you hated cats.” Emitt mumbles making my eyes drift away from my little girl and onto him, he was watching us intently. His head rested in his hands, his arms propped up against his legs, both happiness and sadness radiating off of him.
“I do.” I say, my tone automatically less gentle. I found myself being defensive around him. I mean I had to be, if I let my walls down like I did in the past he’d just walk through them.
He’d walk through me.
“I guess things changed.” He says quietly as his eyes struggle to keep aligned with my own.
“I changed.” I correct making him visibly break as he inhales a sharp breath before standing.
“I-I need to....bathroom...” He stutters out as he rushes out the room before I could stop him. He had no idea where he was going and the tears that slipped from my eyes told me it wasn’t the bathroom.
“Can you watch the cat while I find your father?” I question looking down at Amelia.
“Yup.” She says popping the p with a small salute.
I didn’t want to leave alone but I knew if I found Emitt crying with Amelia there it’s just make the situation worse.
I walked with haste steps throughout the mansion, following the scent that had already seeped its way into every crevice as well as the sound of his pounding heart that threatened to combust in his chest.
I slow down as I approach the room I’d tracked him too, his muffled sobs completely audible through the door that separated us.
Taking a deep breath, I knock lightly on the door.
“Just g-give me a second.” He stutters out as his sniffles loudly.
I knock again and he sobs a bit more.
“I’ll b-be fine.” He calls making my skin twist around me, the sound all too familiar and way too painful.
I knock again and he finally opens the door.
Green eyes now slightly red peered up at me, puffy and wet, soaked lashes dragging his eyelids down with shaking lips and wet cheeks.
“Why are you crying?” I ask simply as I use all my strength to keep my hands at my side. He wiped his tears away thankfully, a moment longer and I would’ve done it myself and the thought of what that may have lead to broke my heart.
“I’m a horrible person.” He weeps loudly as his emotions escape him as well as liquidated feelings. Before I could question him any further, he took a few steps backwards before turning and gripping his hair tightly. His back facing me as his shoulders trembled, mirroring his frequent sobs. “I t-took away the first four years of her life f-from you and her father from her. What kind of sick person does that?” He questions, turning to face me now, his tears doubled and his eyes now crimson glazed.
“A hurt one.” I say simply as I lean against the doorframe.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to break down like he was.
I wanted to pour my heart out.
Cry away the guilt, the regret, the loneliness.
Let it all out and learn to breathe again.
But I’d already done that.
Time and time again, I let everything go and blurred my vision with ignorant emotions.
I’d done it over and over again for the years before and yet, I still couldn’t breathe. With him now, life had become suffocating.
I wanted to cry too.
But I couldn’t.
So I kept my tears inside and let my body wail internally as I looked at him blankly, his emotions on display, mine hidden in a dark hole I’d grown accustom to.
“I hurt you and you left, the consequences that followed were my fault. One of them happened to be me not getting to know my daughter.” I say simply as I take a deep breath, he was looking at me as if I were mad to be so calm.
Perhaps I was.
Maybe he expected words of love or hatred, maybe he wanted something more out of me. But I couldn’t give it to him, I didn’t remember how to.
“What were the others?” He questions almost fearfully as he eyed me. Looking for changes that weren’t visible but abundant. “The other consequences?”
“We shouldn’t leave Amelia alone for too long.” I say turning as I start walking down the hall.
I didn’t want to answer his question. I don’t think I even could.
I would have to explain what I’d become and I didn’t know what that was.
“Beckett.” He calls making me stop in my tracks but I don’t dare turn to face him.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers making me clench my fists to control myself as Tobias whines in my mind.
“You keep saying that.” I say before peaking over my shoulder a bit. “What are you sorry for?”
Did he mean Amelia? It was a consequence.
Did he mean leaving? It wasn’t up to him.
Did he mean.......breaking....
“Everything.” He fills in eventually. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“So am I.”
“No!” Amelia whines loudly as she runs over to me and wraps her little body around my leg like tight, rose vines.
“Come on Amelia, we’ve been here for more than five hours.” Emitt says in his parental voice that I found amusing.
“We can do six!” She says holding up five fingers. “I don’t want to go.”
“Well we have to.” Emitt says as I pry my daughter off my leg and hold her little body in my arms.
“Why don’t you came again tomorrow?” I say making his eyes widen as the stars twinkled in them.
“Yeah.” I say making her smile widely as she loops her little arms around my neck and hugs me tightly.
It takes me by surprise.
The warmth. The love. The affection.
I stood there unsure of myself and the joy that ran rampant throughout my body. The cause of it, a simple act of affection though the effect it had on me nowhere near being simple.
My happiness surprised me.
“What will we do in the castle tomorrow?” Amelia asks brightly as I walk with her still in my arms towards the front door.
Moving a bit slower to prevent myself from having to say goodbye too soon.
“Whatever you want to.” I say with a smile.
“Yay!” She squeals making my chest flutter as we approach the door.
“Alright, let’s get you home for lunch.” Emitt says as I reluctantly hand over my daughter to him. She seemed upset at first but the mention of food made her hug him tightly.
“I love you daddy.” She says to him as she presses a wet kiss to his cheek.
“I love you too sweetheart.” He says before looking up at me. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
I just nod. He gives me a weak smile and soon is making his way down the long drive way and making chatter with a storytelling Amelia, soon disappearing from my sight.
Running through the woods, I let myself take in the harsh, winter air as my heavy steps left temporary implants on the earth.
Pushing myself harder and faster, I ran without direction or destination.
I just ran.
Letting Tobias out a bit to stretch his rusting limbs as well as oxygenate my empty lungs.
I was supposed to be hunting for my dinner but I’d gotten lost in the unappreciated thrill of being in my wolf form and lost track of time.
I was far from the house but still in the pack lands, the acres and acres of land seemed never ending, especially since the packs had merged all those years ago.
My ears turn up as I hear someone behind me. They were following me, far enough to be unnoticed but close enough to be present.
I stopped suddenly as I turned to face them, the brown wolf came running towards me at full speed, struggling to slow down like I had.
I looked into his luminous, green eyes and felt my heart squeeze itself. The close proximity of our wolves much more painful than when we were in human form.
It scratched at my chest more.
Bond, broken bond.
Why are you following me? - I ask a bit harsher than I meant to through the pack link.
I tried through the link we had once before but was reminded of its destruction by the painful whiplash it sent back to my head.
A heartless reminder that what we once had was gone.
He didn’t answer.
It made me mad.
It’d been a long time since I’d felt my emotions as much as I had been lately.
The happiness. The anger.
It was foreign to me now and it pushed its way into my life without permission.
I was angry now.
Mad. Livid. Distrait.
All of the above.
I loved him. I wanted him. I needed him.
But he wasn’t mine.
He didn’t need me. He didn’t want me. He didn’t love me.
Yet he was here and it was tormenting me.
It hurt to be far from him but hurt much more to be close to him.
He was here when he didn’t have to be and it felt like a punishment.
A brutal, terrifyingly painful punishment.
I waited for an answer but it never came so I just snarled and continued on my way.
Him prancing close behind me.
It didn’t take me long to find my prey. These woods were crawling with all forms of life out here that it was just a matter of choosing.
The thick deer caught my attention. Tobias seeped back, he didn’t like doing this, he didn’t like any of this.
It was life.
I got into position, creeping onto it quietly and carefully, my canines extended and dripping with hunger.
I run at it in a flash, gripping it to the floor before it could dash away. My talons nailing its body to the ground as it trashed around below me.
My jaws found its neck and I bit hard, gripping the supple flesh tightly before pulling back, ripping out the being’s skin as well as life as it cried loudly below me.
I gripped its neck again and pulled out. Thin, red blood spurting into the air, mirroring the creature’s cries that were slowly dying down.
My eyes glowed.
And I bit again.
Yet to disgust my meal. I bit again.
I shredded its neck away until its head became dismembered.
I bit again.
I needed to get it out. Get it all out.
I used my talons as a tool and painted against its stomach. Blooding pouring out as my marks carved its way into the limp body.
I continued until I was panting heavily and I was able to breath again.
Then I ate.
I shifted and ate the deer’s raw insides with repulsion, it didn’t taste good, it didn’t please me, but I needed it.
I needed to do this.
I dug in and devoured it whole.
The sound of twigs crunching behind me brings me back to reality and reminds me of who was here.
Looking back I fine Emitt shifted as well. The look of horror and complete disgust plastered to his face as he stared at me.
My heart sank.
Suddenly I felt self conscious and I couldn’t breathe again.
The world began to spin and my ears began to ring.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump
He places a shaking hand over his mouth, his eyes drifting between my prey and I, making my heart beat faster as it bangs against my chest. My rib cage cracking against he pressure.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
I make an effort to wipe the blood from my mouth but that just placed more onto my face. I try again nevertheless, trying to ignore the tears that mixed in with them.
Standing to my feet, I walk away on shaking legs. My body suddenly twice as heavy, my legs crumbling beneath the weight.
I wanted to vomit.
I felt sick in my own skin and suddenly uncomfortable with my entire body.
“Wait! Beckett!” He grabs my arm but I pull it away sharply. The feeling of his skin on mine like a hot coal plastered to my flesh. It used to feel pleasant, now it just hurt. A consequence.
“What do you want from me?!” I scream angrily as I turn to face him. The power in my voice booming through the woods as he stood there wide eyed. Tears streamed down my face, it hurt. Everything hurts. “You don’t get to judge me.”
“You don’t get to m-make me feel like this!”
“I know.” He repeats with tears of his own but I ignore them.
“Then stop looking at me like if I’m a monster!” I shout letting out a range of emotions that had remained dormant for too long. “I told you things changed.”
“I k-know.” He sobs. “I just didn’t thin-”
“What?!” I shout heaving breathlessly. “That the rumors weren’t true? You’ve been back for a while, they must’ve told you about me.” I say making his cry even harder. “Beckett Stone. The murder. Pack outcast. Monster.”
“N-no! You’re not a monster!” He says protesting but I just shake my head while backing away.
“You don’t know that! You haven’t been here!” I say spitting out words I didn’t expect to come out. “You don’t know me! You’ve been gone and things changed! I changed!”
“I-I do know you.”
“No you don’t!” I say firmly, I could feel my eyes glowing but I don’t fight it. I didn’t fight the panic or the rage. I didn’t fight my emotions. I let it out. “You don’t know anything about me. Four years. Four years have gone, you don’t know what I went through in that time.”
“I’m sorry.” He repeats making me growl.
“Are you?!” I scream. “Because if you were sorry you wouldn’t do this to me. Follow me when I want to be alone. Come to my home and imprint yourself into it. Come out here to witness the stories of me you’ve heard. See if the campfire stories were true.” I spit making him shake his head in objection. “If you’re sorry you wouldn’t be here and you wouldn’t be judging me. So what do you want from me now!”
“I-I don’t know.....I didn’t m-mean to h-”
“I have nothing left.” I say pleadingly. “Have you forgotten? We’re not mates anymore! You’re the one who broke the bond! You’re the one who left me! You’re the one who ended things! So why are you here right now?!” I don’t give him a moment to answer as I continue quickly. “It hurts being around you. Pain is all I feel now, more than I had before. Everything hurts all the time. You doing all this just makes it worse. You’re hurting me.”
He stands there with sorrowful eyes as tears poured out of them, his mouth opening and closing with apologies that he didn’t breath out.
I let it out. All of it. The pain and the sadness, mixing to form anger.
I was heaving, panting, crying, sobbing, wailing. I was the one who was in pain. I was the one who was suffering.
I was the one who couldn’t breath
This relationship is fuckedddddd