He hates me.
He hates me so much.
I’m a parasite to him.
A painful memory.
A dangerous past lover.
I’m a walking nightmare.
I scream loudly in frustration as I stood alone in the woods next to a dead deer. Beckett being long gone.
I shouldn’t have followed him.
But I had to. Not only to see if what I’d heard was true, but just to be near him.
I missed him.
God I missed him so much.
I broke the bond. I know.
I deserved this. I was the one who broke us apart but I didn’t regret it.
The me at the time needed to, the me now wished I wasn’t so haste.
I lived with relentless agony and grief, though different from his, I was in pain too. Even though it was clear that my absence broke Beckett over the years, his actions destroyed me.
I hated living. Breathing.
I hated my entire existence.
I hated Beckett.
I hated that I fell for him. That I loved him blindly and that I continued to mourn the loss of our love even after our bond was broken.
I wanted to die.
Life wasn’t worth living. The pain wasn’t worth living for.
Him denying me made me deny myself.
Made me hate myself, to the point where I didn’t want myself.
I probably would’ve ended it all, the suffering and daily destruction, but there was Amelia.
An innocent thing in our damnation, I didn’t want to put out her light before it even got the chance to shine.
So I stayed through it.
The tormenting heartbreak, loveless life and hollow soul.
I did it for her.
I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand why I wanted to be near him so much. Why my eyes always found his slouched shoulders in a crowd or why my legs always led me to his front door.
I didn’t understand why I missed him. His kisses that sent my skin aflame, his loving words he’d gently whisper into my ears at night or the simple way he’d look at me, as if I were precious.
I didn’t get why I still loved him.
After all we’d been through, all the time that passed, all the sleepless nights and days filled with tears. After all the love and joy, pain and agony. Ways he broke me and I him, after it all, I couldn’t help the fact that I was still in love with Beckett Stone.
And what a fool I was for doing so......
.......when he hated me
I walk back to the pack house with my mind a mess and my face wet with tears.
I hurt him, that hurts me.
I ignore the stares I receive as I drag my feet along the concrete road that was a dirt road a couple years back, no pebbles for me to kick now as I hung my head in shame. Some people stared because of the tears, the majority because I was the wolf who seemingly rose from the dead.
The one everyone had forgotten.
Heading inside the house, I head straight for the Alpha Suite to get Amelia since I left her with Julian.
I had promised myself to never leave her with anyone, especially after what Joseph did, but I trusted Julian since he was one of my oldest friends. There was also the fact that my mind had a way of going blank when I saw Beckett and I found myself running after him despite the arrows that shot through my heart from doing so.
“Daddy!” Amelia screams as soon as the doors open.
“Hello beautiful!” I squeal back in excitement as I pick up the only light that seemed to shine in my world anymore. I smile widely at her as she does me.
“Why are you crying?” She questions as she curls her fist and wipes my tears off roughly. “You’re always crying? Who?”
“It’s why, sweety?” I saw with a weak smile as I correct her.
“No its who, who makes you cry?” She questions with a dangerously aggressive frown, one that I knew she got from him.
Goddess she was so quick to pick a fight, she was ready for battle always, even when she didn’t know what she was fighting for.
“Nobody.” I say quickly as I walk towards Damon who was seated in Julian’s lap, Julian reading, Damon curling his father’s toes. “What did you do today?”
“We ate pizza! And colored! And went exploring!” She cheers happily as I sit down carefully with her still in my grasp.
“That sounds amazing.” I cheer making her smile widen, we talk for a bit more before she gets bored of my company and slides off of me to trouble Damon. Soon enough the two are pushing and shoving one another while giggling.
“I told you not to go.” Julian whispers bringing my attention to him as well as memories of this morning’s events.
“I had to.” I say making him close his book.
“No you didn’t. Now I’m guessing he wasn’t so happy about it, don’t try and deny it, you’re still crying.” He says making me stiffen as I raise two hesitant fingers to my cheek. I look down at my wet fingers in shock as more tears poured out of my eyes, a broken faucet that I couldn’t fix.
Julian pulls me into a hug quickly as I sob into his arms, I didn’t want Amelia to see me like this and he knew that.
When I had calmed down enough, he put the kids to watch a cartoon since they’d tired themselves out by fighting before returning to my side.
“What happened?” He questions after handing me a cup of warm lemon tea that made me feel older than I was.
“He says I’m hurting him.” I say making him frown. “Me being here is painful for him.”
“Please tell me you knew that already.” Julian groans as he frowns upon me making me feel even worse than I already did.
“Of course I suspected that, it hurts me too. I just....he made it sound like I was killing him.” I say grabbing a fist full of the fabric that rested on my chest.
“Because you are.” He says making my eyes dart up to him. “The love of his life broke the bond their shared and left, he spent two years mourning you after searching for you day in and day out. He’d be gone for months searching for you, he was a pile of bones in the beginning, couldn’t get him to eat anything. Four years in total of suffering, alone. Then you show up, with his child acting like if things could just go back to how they once were.”
“I know.” I say shakily as my eyes fill again. “I know what I did.”
“I’m not saying this to put the blame on you or to make you feel worse than I’m sure you already do. I’m just telling you the truth, and when he found out about the child without y-”
“What?!” I exclaim raising to my feet. “What do you mean when he found out?”
“It sort of slipped out one day, I thought he knew.” Julian reveals guiltily.
“Slipped out?” I query.
“I didn’t know it was a secret!” Julian shoots back at me. “It was his child, he had every right to know.”
“I know.” I say standing still with shaking limbs. “It must’ve crushed him......h-he must’ve thought that I was keeping Amelia from him.”
“It did.” He says sending another arrow straight to my heart.
“Goddess, no wonder he hates me.” I groan as I start pacing.
“Beckett doesn’t hate you. He’s just a bit messed up right now, it’s hard for him.” Julian says softly.
“I have to talk to him.” I say making Julian stand immediately.
“That sounds like a terrible idea.”
“I can’t sit here f-feeling like this.” I say as I head to the door.
“If you go there you’ll just make him feel the same thing.” He says behind me making me stop in my path. “He’s already hurting, you going so you can feel better will just make him feel worse and that’s extremely selfish.”
“So what am I supposed to do?” I say turning back to him.
“I don’t know but ambushing him twice in a day isn’t the answer.” He says as he walks towards me and gently pulls me forward. “Take a breath, so he can catch his.”
The words seep into some part of me that was still thinking logically, I nod in agreement and let my feet follow the path he’d laid out for me.
He was right, it was selfish of me to want to go to him yet again.
It was selfish of me to want to go at all.
It was selfish of me to still love him.
“This tree is weird.” Amelia says as she kicks a stump of a tree that was long gone.
“That’s because it’s no longer a tree, it’s a tree stump.” I explain trying to sit on it but she shoves me away. She had this thing about hurting nature or anything really, it was sweet usually, but right now my legs were tired from the hike up here and the tree was dead anyway.
“A stump?” She questions as she circles the old thing. “Where’s the tree?”
“Dead.” I state clearly.
I never liked lying to her and making up things that were absurd and out of the ordinary like most parents, so I told her the truth and explained things that she didn’t understand. If I told her that a magical fairy flew away with the tree and all the leaves, she’d repeat that bullshit in school one day and then get the crap beaten out of her because of it.
I saw it as advance parenting.
“Who killed him?” She says stroking the tree stump gently.
“It.” I correct. “And someone who is very bad. Nature shouldn’t be tempered with.”
“Tempered, like played with or disturbed. We should leave nature alone.” I say and she nods after a while before running after a butterfly that had caught her attention while I sat comfortably on the tree stump.
I loved that she was happy.
Not a day passed where she wasn’t grinning ear from ear or giggling so much she’d have a small coughing fit. She wasn’t always this happy, she wasn’t always this talkative or inquisitive, or perhaps she was and kept silent because she knew what would happy to me if she wasn’t quiet.
I close my eyes as take a deep breath as I feel my heart start to race at the memories that began to resurface.
“Tell that baby to shut up!”
I winced as I felt the whips against my back like they once were against my back, I was suddenly lunged back into that basement.
“Don’t look at me!” She screamed as she ran towards me with a knife.
I pinched myself hard to pull myself out of the viscous memory that made the air dense and the world spin. I opened my eyes so that I could see where I was, trying desperately to calm my racing heart.
I’m in a field.
I’m with my daughter.
We are safe.
I’m in a field.
I’m with my daughter.
We are safe.
I repeat the phrase about a hundred times over before my heart finally calms and I’m able to breath properly again.
My hand unconsciously trails up to my large scar that started at the nape of my neck, following the path of my spinal cord.
Stop.... - Chris begs in a hushed whisper making me pull myself out of the resurfacing memories.
I’m sorry - I say apologetically. He hated the memories we shared, I couldn’t blame him. I hated them too. He rarely spoke anymore and I knew that was on me, he missed his mate and I was the reason they were kept apart.
“Dad! I’m hungry.” Amelia says running back towards me.
“Me too.” I say as she leans over my knees, resting her weight on my body. “Let’s go home so I can make us something.”
“I want to eat with Beckett!” She says firmly making my heart squeeze itself from the mention of him.
“He’s a little busy right now.” I state unsure of what was really happening with him, I hadn’t seen him since our last meeting and not by my own resistance but his. He’d locked himself in his house and I knew I was the cause.
“Too busy for me?” She queries sassily making me smile.
“I’ll call, how about that?” I suggest making her nod vigorously.
A piece of me knew I shouldn’t reach out to him, but I needed to, so I used my daughter as an excuse to carry out my own selfish needs. To hear his deepened voice once again, to see his perfectly imperfect body once more.
Beckett? - I call out hesitantly through the pack link, making it private. I know I’m the one person you don’t want to here from right now, or even see......
..........but Amelia really misses you and she’d love to have dinner with you - I finish rubbing my hands together awkwardly. I was about to give up hope when the hairs on my neck stood tall and his strong presence filled the link.
I don’t eat the same food - He says quietly making my heart race with joy as well as sadness as the memory of the deer brings his agonized words back to surface.
That’s fine. You don’t have to. - I say a bit too eagerly. I’ll do something for her, she just wants to spend time with you.
....okay, come to my house. - He says before cutting the link before I can find the words to apologize.
“Let’s get you home to eat before we go to Beckett’s house.” I say looking down at Amelia who smiles brightly before dancing on her toes.
I have to fix things. I have to......
“Hey.” I say softly avoiding his eyes as he opens the door for us.
“Hi.” He replies quietly.
“Beckett!” Amelia squeals as she jumps into his arms. My eyes raise as far as his lips, he smiles widely as he holds her in the air before spinning her around making her laugh and smile just as wide.
“How’s my little girl?” Beckett asks joyfully as he settles, his tone completely different from the one he used with me.
That hurts. It’s fine.
“Good.” She answers quickly as he rubs his nose into the crook of her neck before walking further inside, I follow behind them, closing the door behind me.
I knew they didn’t get as much time together as they deserved and yearned for so I don’t bother commenting or following. They were too preoccupied with one another, so instead I made my way through the house, in desperate search of the kitchen for some water. He made my throat dry.
Entering a series of wrong rooms, I accidentally stumble on a room that drew me in.
Everything was broken inside. Everything.
The room was darkly lit, the night sky being the only light source that seeped through the glass doors that illuminating the cavern. A small chandelier, laid in the center of the room, glass circling it, all around it, broken furniture. Chairs, tables, cabinets. All broken and scattered around the edges of the room.
I walked in hesitantly, letting myself try to replay the story that the clawed wallpaper told. Stories I knew only one person could tell.
I left feeling a bit uncomfortable, I didn’t know what happened in there but something told me it would make me guilt ridden. I eventually found the kitchen, the place beautifully designed but completely unkept. I looked in the fridge despite knowing the answer already, empty. The cabinets and draws followed the same pattern. There was no food in sight, the only thing being old utensils that were collecting dust among the cobwebs.
My eyes drift down to the cat that was hissing at me angrily, not happy with my intrusion. The cat that I felt compelled to love, he kept Beckett company when no one else did, he was there when I wasn’t. He took care of him and I was eternally grateful.
I knew he told me he did but it was hard to accept. But he did.
He didn’t smile unless Amelia was somehow involved.
He didn’t laugh.
He didn’t care for others like he once did.
He didn’t value life the same way either.
He changed. He was different.
I changed. I was different.
We changed. We were different.
What am I doing......
My eyes drift up accidentally to Beckett’s, the green, dulled orbs making my chest tighten as he kept me paralyzed in my place.
“Amelia knocked out.” He says leaning against the doorframe with a smile lacing his lips. “She does that a lot.”
“There’s only so much her little body can take.” I say looking at him unsurely.
“I put her to sleep.” He says making my eyes widen. “We should let her sleep for a bit.”
“Okay.” I say rubbing my sleeves as we stand across from one another with a dying conversation.
The thing that brought us together asleep and the remnants, our broken souls.
“Follow me.” He says before walking away with silent steps. It takes me a second to snap out of my daze but I do eventually and follow hastily, keeping a safe distance between us. Afraid of making him uncomfortable or mad.
After a bit of a walk through many hallways, we find ourselves in the back of the house. Settling on the outside patio, the night wind rushing towards me mercilessly.
I walk forward hesitantly to see the full moon that was commanding the night sky, letting some thin clouds be shown while ignoring others. The beautiful dark blue sky, often misinterpreted to be black, capturing my attention easily as the night animals awoke quietly.
The tips of the forest pine trees are highlighted as the wind bustles through them, making its presence known as well as there own.
Birdy - people help the people
“It’s beautiful.” I comment as my eyes roll over the natural art piece.
I look back to him when he doesn’t answer after a while. He wasn’t looking at the sky. He was looking at me.
My skin tingled as my beating heart came to a standstill. I didn’t ask why he was looking at me, too afraid of the answer.
“It looks like Paynes grey to me.” He says his eyes still grasping onto mine. “The clouds, a light grey, the moon a flat white and the trees, dark.”
“I hear everything around me. The squirrels running into their dreys, the birds nuzzling into their young, the wolves howling throughout our lands.” He says taking a small step towards me. “I hear it all. I just don’t feel it. I used to feel it. A wolf thing, I know. I used to feel all the living things around me, when I ran it was like they were moving with me. When I woke up, so did they. I felt everything. Now I feel nothing.”
I look at him with glossed eyes as he stood above me now. His face expressionless, his words drowning with emotions.
I took in a shaky breath as I struggled to look at him without breaking down, he didn’t have to say anything else. His face said it for him. His eyes screaming for love, mercy, his green eyes showing his pain. Reflecting my pain through his own, we shared deadly emotions. Ones that seemed to be the death of us, ones I inflicted to the both of us.
“I wasn’t hiding her from you.” I say as a tear streams down my face, neither of us daring to move. “I wasn’t keeping her from you. I-I didn’t plan to keep you apart.”
“I know.” He says simply.
“I didn’t want to go.” I stress.
“I know.” He replies gently.
“I d-didn’t want to.” I cry as my eyes stayed glued to his.
“..... I know.” He whispers after some time.
“I’m sorry.” I cry desperately.
“Why are you apologizing again?”
“Because I d-don’t know what else to say.” I sob shakily. “I don’t know what to do. I c-can’t.......I didn’t m-mean to do this to you.... I didn’t mean for any of this to happen...”
“But it did.”
That just makes me cry harder.
“Don’t hate me.” I whisper shamelessly. “Please, I know I have no right but...p-please don’t have me......I can’t l-live with you hating me.”
“I don’t hate you.” He says softly making me falter for a moment. “I never hated you.”
“You should!” I say finding the strength to turn around and lean against the patio banisters. “I hate me...”
“Why?” He questions from behind me as my shoulders shake from my sobs.
“Because I hurt you.” I cry quietly. “I never thought I would. I-I didn’t want to, even after what happened. You were my world, I didn’t w-want to see you crumble.....but in the end I still broke you.”
There’s silence for a long time as the wind passes us by, my tears drying only to be replaced by more. I didn’t even try and hold myself back. I couldn’t.
Not with him around.
“You didn’t break me.” He says resting his hand on my shoulder gently, I flinch at the seemingly foreign shocks that ran through my body as my veins sizzled with both pleasure and pain. He retracted his hand quickly as I turn to face him, the same look I’m sure I was reflecting on his face.
“I did.” I say as I look up at him.
His back broader than it once was, his hair cut low, clear scars running up his body that almost mirrored the ones on my body. “I broke you.”
“You didn’t break me. I’m just....a little lost without you.” He says with a weak shrug that pierces my heart.
“It’s fine.” He says mustering up a weak smile. “I’m getting better. I will be better........eventually.” He corrects firmly.
“Stop apologizing.” He says cutting me off as his eyes drift from mine and to the moon. “It hurts more when you do.”
“I know it hurts you too. All of this.” He says, his eyes still not meeting my own. “That’s why I don’t blame you or hate you, because you feel it too.”
“But I caused it.”
“I did.” He says, his eyes finally meeting mine again. “I was the one who didn’t love you properly. I was the one that drove you to that point.....I loaded the gun, you pulled the trigger.”
“I wish I didn’t...”
Sorry if a lot of errors
Wifi about to cut couldn’t edit.