Chapter Thirty Nine
A few days away with my mum was exactly what I needed, I still felt heartbroken to the core but my mother knew how to make me feel better. Continuously taking my mind off of Weston and telling me stories from my childhood and things I had completely forgotten.
She took me into town, we went for dinner and even cried together one night. It was a rollercoaster of emotions but I felt somewhat better knowing that I could express how I felt without being ridiculed.
My mum convinced me to turn off my phone and ignore the outside world, so I did. And it was the best decision I could have made for the last few days, giving me time to consolidate my feelings and understand my own emotions.
By Friday night I got the train back home, confident that I could get on with my life without having to dwell on the situation with Weston. Or the fact I had quit my job and I could never step foot inside the building again, terrified that I might see him or someone and be asked a million questions.
Valentina physically jumped on me the second that I walked through the door, crying to me that she was concerned. Feeling guilty that I had turned my phone off but telling her that I did it for my own benefit.
She wipes her tears and agrees, then she forces a letter into my hands. Furrowing my eyebrows down to the piece of folded paper, glancing up at Vee. "What's this?" I ask.
"Weston came to drop it round," she explains as her hands slip down the side of my arms.
Her brown eyes stare back at me and she nods. "Yeah, he said that he couldn't get hold of you but he didn't want to bombard you with a million messages. So he came round to give it to you but obviously you weren't here."
A burst of fury runs through my veins at the idea, frustrated that this is what it has come to. "He seemed pretty devastated Micah," her face falls sympathetic towards me.
"As he should be," I shake my head towards her and slam the letter down onto the kitchen counter.
Valentina rushes to my side. "Aren't you going to read it?"
My tired eyes peek up to hers and I shake my head. "I'm going out." I say.
She blinks back at me. "Where are you going?" She asks, I could tell she wasn't trying to be nosey but I understood that she was worried.
"Abel text me on the train down," I sigh as I turn to her. "Said something about going for drinks with his friend. Thought it would be good to take my mind off things, be around other people."
I watch as Vee chews on her lips, eventually nodding. "Okay but please turn your phone on so I know that you're okay," she pleads with me.
My lips smile towards her forcefully. "I promise," I tell her. "But I need to hurry up and get ready, I said I'd meet them at Covent Garden in forty minutes."
"Okay," she nods back to me. "I hope you have a good time."
"Thanks Vee," I say as I lean forward to press a kiss to the side of her cheek.
By the time I was ready and out the door, I was running a little behind schedule but I'd prefer to be late than early. Loitering around waiting for people was the worst for my social anxiety, looking like a total idiot and pretending to be on your phone.
Abel had text me that he had a table at a bar in Covent Garden, managing to get in easily and locating his table. My eyes instantly drawn to his friend who was sat opposite him, not recognising him from anywhere.
My eyes instantly find Abel's and they light up, pushing his chair out from underneath him and bringing me into a hug. "Hey man," he says into my ear as he pats my back.
"Hey Abel," I mumble into his shoulder.
Eventually we pull away and Abel grins at me, gripping onto his friends shoulder. "Micah this is Oli," he tells me, watching as Oli's green eyes locate mine. His light brown curly hair sat perfectly on top of his head, a septum piercing sitting in his nose along with a small dangly earring. "Oli this is Micah."
Oli stands up instantly, our eyes on the same level as he brings me into a tight hug. "Hi," he says. "Abel has told me so much about you."
My eyes widen for a moment as he pulls away and holds me at arms length. "Good things I hope," I breathe out nervously as my eyes flick between his.
He smiles back, flashing his teeth in a wide grin. "Of course good things," he tells me. "Sit, we ordered you a drink."
"Thanks," I say as I slide in between them and look down at the cocktail in front of me. My lips touching the straw and taking a large gulp instantly, needing the alcohol in my system instantly.
I agreed with myself that I wouldn't get absolutely smashed tonight, knowing for a fact I would end up ringing Weston and yelling down the phone, or worse. Turning up at his apartment and causing a scene.
"So how've you been Micah?" Abel asks me brightly before taking a sip of his drink.
"I've been okay," I say with a forced smile.
"I haven't seen you since your birthday party," he shakes his head at me. "I had no idea you and Weston were together before that."
My heart aches at the sound of his name, clearing my throat awkwardly. "We're not really together anymore," I say quietly.
Abel's eyes shoot wide. "Oh," he says instantly. "I'm sorry Micah, I had no idea."
"It's okay," I tell him before looking over to Oli who was already listening to me speak. "So how do you guys know each other?"
Oli leans onto the table, his elbows into the table. "We met at a party about a year and a half ago," he explains. "I have no idea why Abel was there because it was a university party."
"Where did you go to university?" I ask curiously.
"I went to UAL," he nods towards me, his eyes never leaving mine. "I studied fine art."
My eyes widen as I smile towards him. "Wow," I nod enthusiastically. "That's a really great uni for creative arts."
I hum and begin to play with the straw in my cup. "Yeah I went to Imperial and studied maths and economics."
Oli grins towards me. "So you're like super smart then?"
My shoulders shrug towards him. "I guess but I worked really hard."
Abel clears his throat and we turn our attention back to him, not realising that I had completely cut him out. "So the party?" I say as I attempt to get back on track.
"I was there because this girl I was dating went to UAL and she invited me. But then she left me alone for like two hours and I found Oli at the beer pong table and we played against each other." Abel grins at us both. "The rest is history I guess."
"That's nice you guys are still friends," I nod towards them both.
"Definitely," Oli says confidently. "If I'm ever in need of a good night, Abel is always there to make it a night we will never forget."
I laugh to myself quietly. "Don't I know it."
Abel raises his glass between us. "Let's cheers to having a good night," he says as he turns between us both.
My hand grips onto my drink and we all clink our glasses together, hoping that I could get through this night without bursting into tears or calling Weston.
. . .
We had moved onto a few different bars, watching as Abel and Oli became more and more drunk. Purposely watering down my own drinks so I wasn't completely battered by now, knowing what was best for me.
At some point I had lost Abel and Oli, unsure where they were. Ringing Abel over and over until he eventually picks up, explaining that Oli currently had his head down the toilet and was retching continuously.
So I waited at the bar for their return, knowing exactly what it felt like to be in Oli's position. Thinking about how many tequila shots they did, I wasn't surprised that he was feeling a little green.
"Hey," a voice from behind me alerts me, turning to him quickly as I stare back at him.
"Hi," I say politely.
"You waiting for someone or?" He asks sweetly, my eyes roaming over his dark eyes and tall frame.
I nod towards him and clutch my phone. "Yeah, I'm just waiting for my friends to get back from the bathroom."
My eyebrow raises towards me. "Right." He smiles. "Do you want another drink?"
Shaking my head and grabbing onto my drink that rested on the bar, taking a quick sip. "Already got one thanks," I say to him, hoping that he would go away.
"That's alright," he tells me before settling down onto the bar beside me, ordering a drink for myself.
Slowly nursing what I had left of my drink, eagerly waiting for Abel to return any minute but I had no clue what state Oli was in. Hating being in the mens toilets for obvious reasons, thinking about how unhygienic most men are makes me feel sick.
A few minutes tick by and my head felt heavy on my shoulders, my eyesight becoming blurry and my actions slowed down.
"You okay?" The guy asks from beside me, noticing how I become slumped against the bar.
My head shakes, my mouth opening but unable to form any words. Confused as to how I suddenly felt drunk, knowing I hadn't drunk continuously but I had definitely had a few.
The guy grabs onto my side and holds me up, my feet not able to hold myself any longer. Feeling my eyes flutter shut as I hear the guy begin to tell people that I needed to get home, I wasn't in any state to be in a bar and this fucked.
I wanted to protest but I couldn't, physically not able to fight him off or tell him to let go of me. Everything blurred past us in a fast paced glance, bright lights scolding my eyes and bile raising up in my throat.
Wanting nothing more than to just go home, remembering being pulled into a cab and the door shutting behind me. Grunting over and over, attempting to shake my head but I couldn't move my muscles. Panic raising over my body before I took one breath and I was out for the count.
. . .
My eyes snap open harshly, taking in my surroundings that completely confused and startled me. Sitting up in the bed I was currently laying on, looking between the four cream walls, the bed that didn't even have a frame and clothes covering the floor.
Beginning to shake with disgust, my eyes floating between the room. My body ached like I had been hit with a shovel. Turning my attention to a bedside table, a piece of paper was propped up against a lamp.
Reaching over to grab the note and looking back at the words.
Thanks for the fun, maybe we could do it again.
Tears drip from my eyes as my hands fumble with the paper, looking down to the floor where a condom was laying. I couldn't help the vomit that raised in my throat, not being able to stop the sick from leaving my mouth.
Puking up everything that I had remaining in my stomach, the orange vomit covering his white sheets. My stomach regurgitating at the thought of being touched without consent and having no idea what actually happened, desperately needing to get out of here before I started trashing the place out of frustration.
Quickly picking up my clothes and throwing them on, reaching for my phone and darting out of his flat before he came back or I saw someone. Clicking on the on button and realising that my phone was completely dead, continuing to wipe away the tears that fell from my eyes.
The feeling of wooziness was still coating my head, I didn't feel one hundred percent right but I knew that I needed to get the fuck out of here now.
It didn't take long to get back to my apartment, needing to be out of the sight of the public. Feeling like a complete and utter disgrace to myself.
Valentina was stood in the kitchen as I walk through the door, she charges over to me. "Oh my God, where have you been? I was worried sick."
Her eyes instantly notice my tears and she reaches up to cup my face. "Oh Micah, what's happened?" She asks suddenly.
I choke out a painful cry as she clutches onto my body, hugging me tightly. "I-I think I was sexually assaulted Vee." My voice sobs uncontrollably.
Valentina instantly pulls away from me and holds my face, her own eyes beginning to cloud over with tears. "I-I-" her throat clenches, no words forming in her mouth. "Fuck Micah I-I," she blinks and tears roll down her cheeks, wiping them quickly.
"I don't even know what happened," my head shakes towards her, tears reaching my lips. "That's the worst part."
I lower my head feeling disappointed in myself. "It's my fault," I say quietly, my heart sinking in my chest at my own naivety.
"What?" Valentina says instantly, shaking her head at me. "It is not your fault Micah, do you hear me?"
Our eyes meet and neither of us could hold it together for more than a second. "I shouldn't have gone out when I knew I was upset, I shouldn't have stood at the bar by myself."
"Stop it," Valentina says harshly. "Do not say it's your fault one more time, you were just trying to have a nice time with your friends. It is not your fault."
"What do I do?" My eyes burn with tiredness.
"Do you want to go report it?"
"I don't know," I shake my head, feeling nauseous about telling them about what happened. "I'm just trying to gather my thoughts and I feel out of control."
Valentina grabs my hands and squeezes my skin. "I'm going to be here for you, whatever you want to do Micah."
"I need to shower," I declare. Desperate to rid myself of last night, not wanting to feel dirty and used.
"Okay." She smiles at me supportively. "Well I'll be right here."
The shower took a lot longer than expected but I couldn't bring myself to get out of the water, feeling dirty no matter how many times I washed myself over with soap.
I found myself in my room, stood with my towel clung to me. Not a clue what I wanted to do with myself, or how I should be feeling. But I felt numb and exhausted, sickened.
My eyes wander over my desk and look down to the letter Weston had left for me that I yet had to open, my fingers press against the paper and I gently flick it open. Needing a reason to feel something that wasn't repulsiveness, even if it was sadness and genuine heartbreak. It would feel better than whatever this felt like.
Forcing myself to take a breath as I look down to his handwriting before me, my eyes trailing over the words slowly.
I know you probably don't want to hear from me right now and I don't want to bombard you with a million messages and calls so if you see this, please read it to the end.
I know you're probably angry with me but Estella isn't my fiancé, she was when I lived back in Nevada but we broke up a month or two before I came back to London. I have no idea why she turned up and was making it out to seem that we were still engaged, we aren't and I have no intentions of marrying her.
The relationship ended for a few reasons but that's a story for another time. I'm just so sorry that you had to find out like this, I'm sorry that I lied to you about not having a serious relationship before.
I feel awful and I'm worried about us, I want to fix things. Please can we talk about this face to face, I know you needed a few days off work and I logged them as sickness leave on your behalf. If you still want to quit then that's completely your decision.
Please give me a chance to explain all, I can't even express how special you are to me Micah and the thought of losing you is destroying me.
Let me know that you're okay.
My eyes blink back at the letter, a new set of emotions washing over my body suddenly. Unsure how to take on this new information with everything that was already going on inside my head, I wanted to cry and scream and rip my hair out.
I also wanted too see him, fuck, I wanted to crawl up in his arms and feel safe and secure but I needed to listen to everything he had to say.
He still lied to me, and for what reason?
Knowing deep down that there was a twisted reason why him and Estella broke up, something that he didn't want me to know. Hoping that I would never find out but what kind of relationship is that?
I wanted him to trust me more than anything, desperate to find out the whole story.
Dropping the letter down onto the desk, a million different thoughts whizzing through my head like a whirlwind. My stomach twists in knots and I suddenly felt the urge to throw up again but I refrain, convincing myself that even though I don't feel okay, it will be in the end.
Thinking back to last night, realising that the shock hadn't quite hit me yet and I wasn't prepared for my hysteric emotions.