His Getaway (bxb): Book 3

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Chapter Fourteen

Being in Caleb’s arms was for sure a foreign feeling, I didn’t just like it—I loved it.

I lay flush across half of his chest as his fingers draw circles on my bare back. I could feel his heartbeat and I’m sure that he could feel mine considering it was beating a lot faster than his.

“What changed?” I question quietly into Caleb’s bare skin.

His hands stop moving. “What do you mean?” He asks as he shifts beneath me and tilts my head up to his. His green eyes cloud over with confusion as he looks at me.

“Why now all of a sudden do you want to be around me and spend time with me?” I ask honestly as I hold his stare.

Caleb’s face falls into a sad frown at my words. “I’m done with trying to convince myself that I don’t want this because I can’t. I want this so bad.” His warm hand gently cups my neck as he flicks his thumb up and down my jawline.

My eye move away from his and my brows begin to furrow. “Why were you trying to convince yourself you don’t want to be with me?” A sense of sadness washes over my body, it felt like muted rejection.

Caleb lets out a deep sigh. “I want you to understand but—”

I instantly lean up from his chest and press my hand down to the mattress. “Then help me understand,” I plead. “You can’t just shut me out forever.”

Caleb’s eyes watch me and for a few moments he doesn’t say anything which only makes me more irritated. He raises his hand to rest just below my shoulder. “My dad just has a lot to say on who I’m with,” his eyes watch his hands as it softly squeezes my skin.

“Like what?” I say instantly.

“Can we please not talk about this now pups? I don’t want to think about him whilst I’m here with you.” He pushes himself up from the bed and sits up in front of me.

“Will you ever tell me?” My voice dips quiet as I place my fingers against his that rest on the soft sheets.

“Yeah, just not today. Not now, I won’t let him ruin this. I’ve spent the last few hours trying to control my anger, being with you calms me down and I just want to keep it that way.” He tells me as he grips onto my fingers and raises them to his lips, kissing them gently.

I stare back at him and nod once. “Okay,” I reply.

He smiles at me and looks down to my nose. “You got your nose pierced,” he comments.

I nod at his words almost forgetting I had it done. “Yeah last week,”

He grins back at me. “It looks so good on you,” he comments.

My heart flutters.

“Are you tired?” Caleb asks me as he rolls my knuckles around in his fingers.

I begin to nod. “Yeah, it’s been a long day.” My eyes felt heavy and I yawn.

Caleb smiles at me softly. “The longest day ever.” He drops my fingers and loops his arm round the back of my neck and pulls me down onto him once again. His strong arms wrap around me and hold me tight.

I felt myself practically melting into his skin, completely drowning in his scent and warmth.

Caleb leans over to turn off the lights in the wall and suddenly darkness surrounds us.

I felt so safe and I felt so wanted. My heart beams with pride as does my wolf and I never wanted this feeling to stop.

. . .

My eyes flutter open to bright sunlight beaming in through the window. I rub my fingers into my eyes as I attempt to actually wake up.

As I shift in my bed I realise that I’m alone, my arms resting either side of my body on the bed.

I sit up instantly but notice as Caleb sits on the edge of the bed.

A sigh of relief leaves my lips, I watch as Caleb holds his head in his hands. My legs shift under the sheets and I begin to stretch which startles Caleb and he turns his attention to me.

“Hi,” I smile. His eyes watch me like he knows something I don’t.

His fingers run through his hair once more before he stands up and faces me. “When were you going to tell me?” He asks me, his voice low.

I furrow my eyebrows up to him and I shake my head. “Tell you what?”

“You know what,” he says as his eyes flick down to my wrist.

I gulp and stay silent.

Caleb’s face turns to a look of anger, he moves forward to lean on the bed. He grips my wrist and places it flat out towards him.

My red healing cuts and deep raised white scars face up to the ceiling. “About these,” he states harshly.

My eyes widen when I realise that I had completely forgotten about being naked around him and having them on show.

I quickly retract my hand away from him and I shake my head. My heart was aching. “It’s nothing,” I say as I press my wrist to my chest.

Caleb’s eyes burn with fury. “It’s nothing?!” He raises his voice. “They are fresh cuts Evan, I’m not stupid.”

I begin to take deeper breaths than usual.

I didn’t like this, I didn’t like this at all.

“When?” He demands.

I just look up to him as I try to control my breathing.

“Tell me Evan, when did you do it?”

My eyes clamp shut and I shake my head, tears escape my eyes but I quickly wipe them away.

“The night we were meant to meet,” I struggle to say.

I can sense a dip in the bed beside me. I was too scared to open my eyes and see Caleb’s face, so instead I kept them closed as tightly as I could.

“When you didn’t show up, I dunno I just had this moment of madness. I heard voices and I just felt so weak and pathetic and I wish I didn’t do it.” I cry as my hands cover my face and I sob into them.

Then I eventually open my eyes and look at Caleb whose eyes are rimmed with tears. I can’t bear to look at him right now so I look down to my lap instead.

“I swear I haven’t done it in so long, this is the first time in ages.” I say before sniffling.

Caleb’s hands reach up to my face and he wipes away each of my tears with his thumbs.

“Please look at me pups,” he says softly but desperately.

But I can’t, I can’t even force myself to look at him because it made me feel sick. I made myself sick.

“Pups,” he says again but I just shake my head.

Tears continue to roll down my cheeks and I never meet his eyes.

Caleb pulls my face closer to his, his thumbs working quick to remove my tears again. He presses his forehead to mine and I close my eyes at the contact. “I am so sorry Evan, God I am so fucking sorry.” His voice sounds strained.

“I made you hurt yourself,” he says like he’s in pain. I lean back from him and shake my head vigorously.

“No, I’m just fucked up. It wasn’t you.” I say as I wipe my eyes.

When I finally look at him, his face shows a look of pure guilt. “I will never make you feel like that again, I promise you.” He takes my hands in his.

The he rests his forehead against my hands. “You deserve someone so much better than me pups, I am so fucking selfish.”

I let out a small cry again. “I’ve done it for a large part of my life Caleb, this one time doesn’t even have a touch on the others.”

Caleb kisses my hands between his over and over. “Why did you used to hurt yourself before?” He asks as he moves closer to me to listen.

“Because I deserved it, I needed to be punished.” I whisper as I taste my tears on my lips.

“Why on earth would you deserve to hurt yourself?” Caleb says instantly like it’s the most ludicrous thing he’s ever heard.

“Because I did some bad fucking things in my life Caleb!” I shout out at him, he doesn’t even flinch he just tries to comfort me more. “I am a sinner.”

He furrows his eyebrows at me deeply. “No you are not,” he states like a fact.

“I am,” I cry. “I am, I am.” I say as I shake my head continuously.

“I don’t believe for one second that you’ve done something bad,” he grips my face again.

His words were making me feel even worse, he had no fucking idea what I had done. He would be disgusted in me if he knew. I was disgusting.

“Tell me what it is that you think you’ve done bad,” he whispers onto the side of my cheek.

I shake my head. “I’m scared you’re going to judge me.”

“God pups I could never judge you, please just tell me. This is killing me. I can’t see you like this.” He pleads. When I look at him again I can tell that he means his words, his eyes are trying to analyse me.

I let out a jittery sigh and take a few moments to gather my thoughts.

“Y-You know about my brother?” I question as my voice shakes.

Caleb nods. “Sort of,”

“Well after my parents died when I was twelve and he became Alpha, he started bringing random girls back to the pack house and he and the rest of the pack would rape them, hurt them.” I clamp my eyes shut as the images flash in my mind.

I take a few deep breaths.

“It’s okay, take your time.” Caleb says which somewhat calms me.

“They used to all hurt their mates, including Ava. I used to just sit back and watch like an absolute coward.” I spit as anger rises in my chest. “I just fucking let them ruin so many girls lives, I watched my brother and his vile pack physically hurt them as they cried out for help. And I did fucking nothing!” Angry tears sprout out of my eyes at an alarming pace.

“Pups that isn’t your fault, you were fourteen what were you expected to do?” Caleb tells me supportingly.

“That’s not even it Caleb, I fucking—” The words almost came out. I take in a sharp breath.

“It’s okay Evan, tell me,” he places a kiss onto my forehead.

I squeeze my eyes shut once more and try to gather the remaining piece of confidence I have left to get this out of my body.

“My brother he-he,” I shuffle as more tears roll down my cheeks. “He told me I was to touch one of the girls he had taken.” I cry.

“I didn’t want to, I was so scared and he beat me so hard. So I—” my heart was going to explode any second, my nails begin to dig into my palms. “I touched her for like one second and after that I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I threw up and then I cried in front of everyone but the girl was crying harder.”

“Evan,” Caleb says softly but I shake my head.

“I fucking touched her, do you know how disgusting that is? I took away her dignity, I make her cry and I just—” I raise my head up to the ceiling and cry. “—I deserved everything, the beatings, the pain. That’s why I hurt myself because I wanted to feel as much pain as possible. Nothing would compare to how I made her feel.”

“You don’t need to punish yourself,” Caleb tells me sternly. He moves my face back down to his level so that I am looking directly at him.

“I do!” I yell out at him.

“No Evan you don’t, your brother was a manipulative, controlling bully who beat you so bad that you feared for your life. Your actions were out of fear not out of drive. You didn’t want to touch her, you did it because you were scared,” he pulls me into his body and runs his hands up and down my back. I just don’t into his shoulder.

“I still did it though, I still touched her. I should have just let my brother fucking kill me. Sometimes I wish that I had died before I did what I did.” I say between muffled breaths on Caleb’s bare shoulder.

He pulls me away from him and forced me to look at him. “Do not fucking say that pups, do not ever fucking say that again.” His hand holds the back of my head.

I let out quiet pants as I wipe my face again. “Do you know what else you did?” Caleb asks me.

I blink back at him.

“You let Ava go, you let her escape and you knew that was going to have repercussions but you still did it. You risked your life for her. Do you know how amazing and courageous that is?” His hands begin to shake my head gently.

“I know you probably think that you will never be able to forgive yourself but you need to remind yourself that you were young and you were in a dangerous place. You were manipulated by your brother okay?” Caleb’s nose gently rubs mine.

“I wasn’t manipulated, I knew what I was doing. God, I fucking hate myself so much.” I sob.

Caleb cradles me in his arms. “You are nothing compared to what your brother and his pack were like Evan, please don’t ever think that. You have remorse, you have guilt. You’re not some psychopath who thrives off other people’s pain. You know you did wrong and you tried to put it right by letting Ava free. You risked your life for her freedom.”

“I will always hate myself for it,”

“Then we will work on it. It hasn’t changed my perspective or view on you whatsoever pups.”

I look up to him and he kisses me gently.

“We will work on it.” He tells me confidently.

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