Chapter Twenty Four
I had been to three therapy sessions in the last two weeks and yet we were no closer to letting his pack members know that we are together.
All he would tell me was how desperate he was for me to get professional help and I couldn’t say no to him. God, I was so weak for him.
Although I hadn’t heard from Caleb since before my first session. His dad made a surprise visit and has been spending time with him ever since. He hasn’t been at training, he hasn’t made any direct contact with me and it hurt. I understood because he was with his dad and he doesn’t want him to find out about us but it still killed me inside.
After my sessions I reached out to him but I got nothing back, he was completely blocking me out. That only made everything more difficult mentally for me.
I underestimated how hard the first session was going to be. Having to bring up your past with every little bit of detail, remembering how you felt, remembering what you saw, what you did to yourself. It was haunting.
My eyes were damp the whole time, every moment was painful to remember but Hayley my therapist told me that it’s good to get these emotions out. It’s step one of acceptance. She told me that these feelings will never go away but I can suppress them through different mechanisms and working towards enjoying the things in my life right now.
She said that we have a lot of work to do and that I should have got therapy a long time ago.
I kept the suicide attempts and self harming descriptions to a minimum, I was scared that she was going to get me detained.
The second session wasn’t any easier but this time I knew what to expect. She dug deep, deep into my mind. Every aspect of my dark thoughts. The things I was saying made me feel disgusting, I had so much self hate for something that was beyond my control.
By the third session I had run out of tears. My eyes were bone dry and instead I just felt down.
Hayley kept telling me that therapy isn’t meant to be easy. You don’t have a few sessions and then all of a sudden you’re fixed, it doesn’t work that way. This type of healing could take years, years before I even forgive myself for half the things I have done.
After each session I went back to my room and lost all control of myself. My chest heaved and I couldn’t catch my breath. The demons were crawling inside of me, thrashing and screaming. My body felt like it was possessed.
I wanted to hurt myself so badly but I didn’t.
Instead I knelt in rice, the feeling so alien to me as I hadn’t done it in such a long time. It fucking burned my pride but I deserved it.
The skin on my knees were pierced and I bled.
My head was a mess and I was having dangerous thoughts. All I wanted was Caleb and he couldn’t even spare me five minutes away from his dad.
Anger builds inside me as I think about how much I was relying on Caleb to make me feel better but it’s what I needed. Someone to distract me from these vile thoughts that circulate around my brain like a broken record.
Convincing myself to go to sleep so that I don’t do anything stupid, when my eyes close and my head touches the pillow I pass out. Exhaustion had completely swarmed me.
. . .
We start training at 8AM the next morning and inside I was rotting. I had no energy, I didn’t want to do anything besides crawl into bed and do nothing.
I’m not surprised when Caleb doesn’t turn up to training again. It’s got to the point now where I don’t even care, I don’t care that he’s completely shut me out over the last two weeks like I’m nothing. I clearly mean nothing to him if he can do this to me.
I don’t even listen to what Jaxon says because I wasn’t going to take part in training anyway. I had already planned on walking as far as I could and sit away from everyone.
My whole mind had turned into darkness and it felt strange because I didn’t feel like anything. I just felt numb. I wasn’t hurting.
Jaxon starts the training and I take off through the trees and away from everyone. When I reach our territory line, I walk slowly around the perimeter and breathe in the crisp, cold air.
After thirty minutes of walking I find a little stream that flowed into a small lake.
Without hesitation I remove my trousers and put my feet into the water. It was so cold but I don’t even flinch, I oddly quite liked it.
Slowly I get deeper into the water until my shoulders are completely under. I shiver and swim to the middle where I can no longer touch the bottom.
My arms move against the water and I slip under, I hold my breath and clamp my eyes shut. It was so peaceful. I could hear nothing. See nothing. It was beautiful.
I come back up to the surface and take a deep breath as I quickly rub my eyes with my finger tips. My feet tread water for a few moments before I push myself under again but this time I hold my breath longer.
Seconds tick by as I swim down further.
I open my eyes and look up at the light above the water.
Then I close my eyes again.
Is this what it felt like to be dead?
I float and float further down into the darkness of the water. My lungs felt like they were about to explode. Pushing myself up quickly, I accidentally take a gasp and I fill with water instantly.
My eyes bulge out of my head as I thrash in the water and slowly begin to sink. I was choking.
Pain. Pain is all I felt before everything went black.
. . .
(Don’t say I don’t treat you guys, this is literally a one off until part two of this book)
Hate wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt towards my dad. Never have I known someone so selfish and ignorant in my whole life.
These last few weeks have been hell and I despised myself every day for acting like a fake bitch around him. Anger fuels every inch of my body but I don’t act upon it. I can’t because he’s deadly and I don’t trust him.
When he showed up out of nowhere I panicked, I was scared and I was concerned. For my safety, for my packs safety and most importantly Evan’s safety. He came to check up on how the pack was getting along, it wasn’t a surprise when he told me he wasn’t impressed. He never is.
He is too hard to please.
I finally get a minute to myself when he leaves, the house is quiet because they’re training with Jaxon. I could finally hear myself think but yet my mind felt fucked, I wanted to scream.
As I sit at the kitchen island and stare endlessly at the wall in front of me, the front door is opened and I hear a distressed cry.
Felix and Zara come through first, she’s bawling her eyes out. Her hair was wet and her skin flushed. Felix has his arms around her securely, whispering that it’s okay.
The rest of my pack flood through the front door like they’ve all been through hell. No one says anything, silence sits among them.
I shove myself off the stool and make my way over. “What the hell has happened?” I ask as Zara looks up at me and wipes her nose with her jumper sleeve.
Felix lets out a harsh sigh and I look around the rest of my pack. Something was wrong.
Zara chokes back a cry, her hands shaking in Felix’s. I turn my full attention to him as curiosity creeps up through my veins.
“Evan,” Felix tells me.
Needles feel like they’ve been pricked through my heart at his name.
“W-What?” I manage to get out.
Felix lowers his head before swallowing harshly. “I think he tried to kill himself,”
My whole body goes stiff, my chest was going to explode. The words barely register in my brain, my ears begin to burn.
“He what?” My voice coming out in nothing more than a pathetic whisper.
“Zara saw him and jumped in after but she couldn’t find him.” Felix rubs his hand up and down her arm again.
“Jaxon then managed to get him but he was under the water for a few minutes. He was unconscious when they bought him to the surface. A-And...” Felix struggles with his words and stops for a few moments.
“It was terrifying. The worst thing I have ever seen.” Zara says as her voice shakes. “He was so cold, blue. I can’t—” Felix holds her tightly as she cries again.
Tears build in my eyes and I have to clench my fists to stop my body shaking with anger and guilt.
“They’ve taken him to the hospital, he inhaled a lot of water. He’s stable but he still needs to be observed.” Felix explains.
My whole body goes numb. A million different thought race around my head.
He tried to kill himself.
I lower my head and clench my eyes together to not let my tears fall.
“I should go make sure they’re okay,” I say and Felix nods back at me.
“Yeah,” Felix agrees. “I think Jaxon would appreciate the support for his pack.”
I had to make sure Evan was okay. I needed to hold him. I needed to hold him so tight that I could never almost lose him again.
“They’re at the hospital just the other side of town,” he tells me.
I nod emotionlessly and leave the house without another word.
When I get into my car I race off without even checking around me. I was going to get there as quick as I could. The tears that had gathered in my eyes finally drip down my cheeks.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
How had I let this happen?
“Fuck!” I yell as I hit the steering wheel with my palm.
I grit my teeth and grind them against each other to stop myself from crying again, the ball of pain in my throat making me feel sick.
It doesn’t take me long to get to the hospital, I was driving a dangerous speeds to get here. Reception tell me which room Evan was in after a lot of demanding.
My feet move quicker than I knew they could move, when I come up to his room I see Ava standing outside. Her eyes are burning red, she’s pacing back and forth.
“Caleb,” she says as she sees me.
She doesn’t look confused, she almost looks relieved which takes me back for a moment.
“I would ask you what you’re doing here but I already know,” she says with a shrug. “I guessed you two were mates a lot time ago.”
Right now, Ava knowing we are mates was the last thing I cared about. “Is he okay? What’s happening?” I rush my words.
Ava sniffs and nods. “He’s okay,” she whispers quietly. “He won’t talk to Jax or I and it’s killing me.” She looks up to the ceiling and tears roll down her cheeks.
“How could I not know?” She says to me before clenching her eyes together and sighing deeply. “I feel so fucking guilty, my heart hurts.”
My lips turn into a frown. “I feel the same,” I tell her as I hang my head slightly. “I have completely failed him.”
I turn my head towards the window and look between the blinds. He’s scrunched up in a ball facing away from the door, wires attached to him. My heart burned to see him like this.
My hand reaches for the door handle and I slip inside quietly. Evan doesn’t move an inch from the sound as I close the door behind me.
I waste no time in looping around the side of the bed and kneeling down in front of him. His eyes looked lifeless, like he’d been staring dead straight at the wall for the last hour.
“Pups,” I say croakily as I reach up and place my hand gently on his face.
He doesn’t even glance at me.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
“Pups please look at me,” I mumble as my chest heaves. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, I’m sorry I’ve been blocking you out.” My voice lets out a distressed cry.
Evans blue eyes slowly look up to me, they were glassed over with an emotionless gaze.
“Talk to me,” I beg, my hand gently stroking the back of his blonde hair.
“What is there to say?” He says so quietly that the words were barely audible.
“What is there to say?” I repeat as I furrow my eyebrows at him. “Why the fuck did you try to drown yourself? Why didn’t you speak to me? Fuck, Evan.” I curse harshly.
“I tried speaking to you Caleb, you just shut me out.” He whispers, a single tear dripping out of his left eye. “I felt so alone.”
I shake my head at him and attempt to stop my bottom lip from quivering. “I’m sorry pups, I’m so sorry.” How had I hurt him this bad?
“I went to therapy,” he tells me. “Every time it finished, I had a panic attack. I needed you. I just didn’t want to be alone, you’re the only one who understands and you just shut me out.” His voice turns angry, continuous tears streaming out of his eyes.
My eyes water as I look at him, he was in so much pain. So much mental pain. I clamp my eyes shut and just let the tears fall.
“I couldn’t do this alone, I just wanted it all to go away.” He cries. “I just wanted it all to stop but I never meant for this to happen.” Evan’s breathing becomes rapid and I instantly move forward to wrap my arms around him.
“I don’t have any excuses for doing that to you pups, I’m sorry and I’m such a fucking idiot. You are the most important thing in my life and I let you down.” I bite my lip to stop myself from going into a full blown sob. “I keep letting you down but I am determined to make you the happiest person in the world.”
“Then why did you shut me out?” He mumbles into my skin.
“Just being around my dad put me off and like I said that isn’t an excuse. I don’t think sometimes and I’m selfish as fuck. There is nothing I can say or do right now that can put this right, but I really want to prove to you that I want to make you happy, that I will be there for you no matter what.” I pull away from out embrace and rest my forehead down onto his and look into his puffy eyes.
“How are you going to do that?” He asks like he doesn’t believe I could be capable of doing so.
The door creaks open and we both turn our attention to who stands in the door way.
“Caleb?” Jaxon says towards me, his eyes flick back and forth. “What are you doing here?”
I turn my head back to Evan. “By doing this I’m going to prove to you what I said.” I whisper before kissing him gently on the lips.
When I turn back to Jaxon he looks absolutely dumbfounded.
“Evan and I are mates, Jaxon.” I tell him confidently. “That’s why I’m here.”