Chapter Twenty Seven
“You say you’re not like your dad but what the fuck was that?!” The words sting my tongue like venom and I almost flinch at how harsh and horrible I sounded. My eyes watch as a single tear slips down Caleb’s cheek and my heart shatters in my chest. “Because I have no idea who that person was.”
He nods at me and sniffs, his eyes looking down towards the floor. “Wow,” He says sadly. “I guess I deserved that.”
His eyes trail along the floor and back up to me, his jaw clenching tightly. “But I will never be like my father. You’re right, I might have some problems but I am not like him. I’m not abusive, I’m not controlling, I’m not manipulative.”
I reach to the floor and find my pants and pull on the rest of my clothes, looking away from his gaze. “I didn’t mean for it to go that far, I never want to hurt you. I’m sorry pups.” His voice sounds hurt.
Tears fall down my cheeks, frustration growing inside of my body. “Please talk to me,” he steps closer to me.
I eventually look up to him and watch as he stands a few inches from me. “You want to know why I said what I just said?” I say barely above a whisper.
Caleb looks at me for a moment before nodding.
“The look in your eye when you saw what you were doing to me, how much you were enjoying it—”
“Pups,” Caleb instantly starts shaking his head.
“Just listen to me.” I ground out to him.
He gives me a sad look and stays quiet.
“You enjoyed that so much and it was scary for me because I’ve never seen you like that. It was like a Caleb I’ve never known, it was like your power and domination got too much in your head.” I pause for a few seconds. “But that’s when I realised that that is you, that’s who you are. A dominant. And I can’t give you what you want Caleb.”
“What are you saying?” His eyes fill with confusion and hurt.
“You want someone that you can dominate, that you can order around and will fully submit to you. But I can’t do that Caleb, I’m not that kind of person.” I hold my hand up to him to stop him moving closer again.
“With everything that I’ve been through, the things I’ve witnessed and the things I’ve experienced. I can’t be shoved into a box like that, I can’t be ordered around like that. I want to be my own person, I want to belong to myself... not worry I’ve said or done something bad that will get be punished.” My voice croaks and I attempt to push away my tears that have stained my cheeks.
“I don’t want that Evan, I promise you I don’t.” Caleb tries, his voice pleading with me but I instantly shake my head at him.
“It reminds me of the things I saw when I was back at my brothers pack. One having a significant amount of power over the other. I know to you it’s only temporary dominance and would be consensual but I can’t get the resemblance out of my head. It scares me.” A hand rakes through my hair and I grip on the strands.
I look up into his heartbroken face, his eyes dull and heavy. That’s when realisation hits, I asked for this. I asked him to show me what this was all about, what this side to him was like. I just didn’t understand how far it could go.
I suck my bottom lip into my mouth before exhaling deeply. “I know I asked you to show me into your world but I made a mistake and I’m sorry for confusing you like that.” Nausea rises inside me, tying knots in my stomach and making me feel like I’m going to be violently sick.
“I can live without the BDSM shit Evan, trust me I can. I don’t want that, I just want you. You’re all I need.” Caleb rushes his words, blubbering as he does so.
“We are so different Caleb, can’t you see that?” I say to him, my voice getting quieter. “In what world did we think that we could work?”
Caleb continuously shakes his head at me. “Stop,” his mouth quivers. “Stop saying this stuff pups.”
“Maybe my past has broken me so much that I can’t even grasp how to stay level headed in a relationship, maybe that’s on me. But I know this isn’t healthy Caleb.” My arms fly either side of my body as I say my words in defeat.
“I want this to work but I don’t think it is.” I cry. “I keep telling myself that things will work out and everything will get easier, but it doesn’t. Shit just keeps coming our way, I don’t think a relationship is meant to be this hard.” I look up to the ceiling and close my eyes tightly, more tears escaping.
“Don’t,” Caleb’s mouth opens. “Don’t leave me pups. Please don’t leave me.”
His words cut through my heart like a razor blade, my blood pouring out onto the floor along with my tears. I watch as his green eyes beg me not to go.
I painfully look away and close my eyes. “I think we both need time alone Caleb, to digest what the fuck happened.”
Caleb’s body shakes at my words, my eyes watch his hands as they press against his face. I start to take a few steps backwards until I reach his office door.
A sense of calmness and realisation washes over me, my mood plummeting up and down inside my body.
“I’m sorry about what I said,” I say quietly, my voice as sincere as I can be. “My brain is just a bit everywhere at the minute and I just wanted you to feel something. It was selfish and I’m sorry.” I hang my head in shame.
My hand finds the door handle and I slip out without another word. I swallow a sob in the throat and wipe my eyes over and over. My whole body felt alien to me, it didn’t feel like it was mine.
I haven’t felt like me in a long time.
. . .
My week consisted of helping Ava finally sort out hers and Jaxon’s wedding. I tried to be good help but my mood swings had been crazy, one minute I’d be laughing and the next I’d be curled up into a ball in my bed crying my eyes out.
The shit that went down with Caleb still hasn’t fully hit me, I can’t even describe the pain in my heart. I have never felt anything like it. He respected my decision for space and hasn’t mindlinked me or spoke to me during training.
“Do you think an open marquee or something with one opening?” Ava asks as she scrolls through the laptop with two fingers.
“Hmm?” I hum as I snap out of my train of thought.
“What’s up with you Evan? You don’t seem yourself lately and I don’t like it.” Ava slams the laptop lid aggressively and folds her arms across her chest like a spoilt child.
Her eyebrows are furrowed at me yet her eyes looked so concerned.
I sigh and lean back in the stool. “Nothing,” I say.
“Nope,” Ava shakes her head. “Nope. That’s not a good enough answer for me.”
My teeth have to bite down on my lip to stop it from quivering, I felt like I was going to cry any damn second.
“It’s nothing—” my voice dips and I quickly recover. “It’s really nothing.”
“Really nothing?” She repeats as she flexes her eyebrow at me. “So it is something, you just don’t want to tell me.”
Her pink lips pout sadly at me. “Has something happened between you and Caleb?”
I hold her gaze and don’t move my head an inch. Her eyes flick between mine and she nods once at me, pursing her lips. “I see,” she says quietly.
I clamp down on my teeth but it was too late, a tear had already escaped my eye and slipped down my pale skin.
“Oh come here,” Ava says instantly as she moves forward and wraps her little arms around me.
That was it for me, I burst into tears completely. “You can talk to me you know,” she mumbles into my ear. My arms loop around her back and I grip her tighter.
“I know,” I cry to her.
We stay close for a while until my tears come to a halt, when she pulls away she reaches for a tissue and wipes my face clean.
“So what are we gonna need for this talk, huh?” She says as she offers me a small smile. “Tequila? Doughnuts? Ice cream?”
I can’t help but crack a smile at her words. “Might have to bust open the ice cream later,” I tell her.
“So no alcohol?” She jokes.
I start to nibble on my lip and I shake my head. “I can’t.”
Ava rolls her eyes. “Oh Evan I told you, no one cares that you’re not twenty-one.”
“It’s not that,” I say as a hand comes up to scratch the back of my head. My eyes meet hers again and I take a deep breath. “It’s because I’ve started taking antidepressants.”
Her eyes instantly go soft as I speak. “Since when?” She questions.
“Like three weeks ago,” I say. “Caleb got me talking to a therapist he knows and she referred me to someone higher up that prescribed me.”
Ava’s face looks unreadable, she chews down onto her bottom lip and her eyes look up at me. “And how have they been making you feel?” She questions sincerely.
I think about forcing a smile but I can’t even bring myself to do it, so instead I just shrug. “My mood has been everywhere and I hate it. I don’t know what my true emotions anymore.” I sigh into my hands.
Ava’s little hand clenches my shoulder as I look at her. “I’m here for you Evan, if you need to talk about your emotions. To try and make some sense of them. I know what it’s like to just let things run through your head and you don’t know how to feel.”
“Thanks Ava,” I say as I nod towards her.
“So what’s been going on?” She asks as she retreats her hand back to her lap.
“I don’t think Caleb and I are going to work out,” I mumble after a few moments, my heart skips a beat in my chest as I speak.
“Why?” She says instantly, her lips pulled down into a frown.
I shrug again. “I don’t know if it’s because we clash or our personalities are so different, we think of life in different ways. We care for each other, more than I thought I could care about anyone. But when we argue it just fucking hurts.”
“What different things?” Ava asks as she crosses her legs and leans on her fist. Her face full of concern and care.
A deep sigh erupts from my chest and as I go to talk Jaxon walks into the kitchen.
We both instantly turn our attention to him as he approaches the island. I watch as he walks straight up to Ava and kisses the top of her head gently. “Hey,” he mumbles into her hair.
She smiles and looks up to him. Jaxon’s eyes find mine and he nods at me. “Hey Evan.”
“Hey,” I say quickly.
“How’s the wedding stuff coming along?” He asks as he looks down to the closed laptop.
Ava shrugs. “Evan and I were just talking about some stuff that’s more important.”
He takes one glance over my face and nods. “Fair enough,” he says as a little smile is flashed in my direction. “Caleb has requested that we all go over to his as soon as possible.” Jaxon explains to both of us.
My eyes shoot wide and I quickly recover. “Why?” Ava asks.
“Said he has something important to tell us, he sounded quite desperate,” Jaxon says before kissing Ava’s head again and walking to the fridge.
“Count me out.” I mouth to Ava before rolling my eyes.
Ava’s eyebrows frown harshly at me as she tilts her head to the side. “We have to,” she mouths back.
My teeth begin to chew the inside of my mouth as I attempt to take silent deep breaths.
Jaxon walks back over to Ava. “We should probably go soon, don’t want to let him down.” He says.
Come on Evan, it’ll be fine. If something happens and you need to leave, I’ll go with you. Okay? Ava’s voice floods through my head.
I sigh and nod once, a rush of emotions enter my body. Pushing my feet away from the floor so the stool slides from behind me, I stand up and look between Jaxon and Ava. “See you guys in a sec,” I say before I drag my feet up the stairs and shut myself in my room.