Chapter Fifty One
Even though Evan was in my arms, my body still felt on edge and I didn’t like the feeling one bit. Bringing him back inside, Felix waits at the back door and gives me a reassuring nod once he realises that everything is okay.
“Are you still hungry?” I ask Evan as I close and lock the door behind him.
Evan’s eyes find mine as he stands barefoot on the marble floor. “Urm—” his voice is stuck in his throat and he fumbles with his hands.
“Let me make you something,” I say as I run a hand through my hair, my body itching to do something productive.
My mind hurt and trying to convince myself that everything will be fine was proving to be difficult. I wanted to be useful, I wanted to help in some way. Show him that someone cares, even if it’s the smallest gesture.
“No Caleb, it’s fine I’m oka—”
“Please pups,” my voice comes out harsh and Evan instantly shuts his lips. “Just please, let me make you something.”
His throat swallows before nodding.
“Thank you,” I tell him before guiding him into the kitchen. Sitting him down at the island stool, I quickly pour him a glass of fresh water and place it in front of him.
I can feel Evan’s eyes on me as I look through the cupboards, his hands still fumbling in front of him. Reaching for the loaf of bread and placing two slices into the toaster, I dig around for some jam knowing that he loved strawberries.
My mind wanted to wander and I try my hardest to not let it because any second it felt like I was going to explode. Leaning onto the counter as my eyes train on the toaster in front of me, my fingers grip onto the counter and I grit my teeth.
The pain that etched throughout my body wasn’t a pain that hurt but a pain that made me feel helpless. I felt like no matter what I did, I could never help Evan. Those scars on his wrists, I did that. Being manipulated into a relationship with Miles, I did that. Not being there for him, I did that.
My head lowers to the counter, trying my best to not let my eyes sprout with tears. Watching someone you love deteriorate because of the actions you made. I know I could have dealt with the situation better, I could have reassured him that everything was going to be okay and I would come back for him. But I didn’t and I made it worse.
“Caleb?” Evan’s little voice startles me. I didn’t even realise that he was now stood directly beside me.
I quickly reach up to wipe my eyes and clear my throat. Taking a quick glance down at his face, his blue eyes staring up at me with concern. His little hand reaches up and places it on my bare torso, I shudder at his cold skin.
“Can I hug you?” He asks quietly, his words completely taking me by surprise.
A smile breaks out on my lips, not caring that my eyes had become watery again. “Come here,” I say instantly as I wrap my arms around him.
I hear Evan inhale my scent as he rests his head onto my chest. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he mumbles again. “I just didn’t want to wake you.”
“It’s okay pups, I’m not mad,” I say against his hair before pressing a kiss to his head. “I could never be mad at you.”
Evan’s arms somehow hold me tighter, his skin pressing against mine tightly. His shoulders relax and he melts into me, every fibre in my body burning with feeling content.
He sniffs harshly. “The toast is burning,” he tells me and we both reluctantly pull away.
In all honesty, fuck the toast.
. . .
It was still dark by the time we go back upstairs to my room. Evan hovers around the bed as I sit down on the couch and watch. “Are you going to be okay to sleep?” I question him.
Evan begins to pick at the skin on his fingers, his head shifting in different directions.
“What’s the matter?” I ask noticing his strange behaviour.
His eyes snap to mine before they move to the bed and back to me again slowly. I knew what he wanted, he was scared to say it. For a few moments we continue to stare at each other until I push up from the couch and walk round the bed.
Pulling back the sheets on the side he didn’t sleep in. Evan watches my actions and quickly climbs into the bed before I can, hiding his body under the sheets.
Just as I put my head against the pillow, I turn to turn out the bedside table lamp. The room completely stretching into darkness.
We lay face to face but neither of us touch, I could hear his breathing. I couldn’t see but I knew his eyes were open and they were looking directly at me.
“Will you tell me something?” I whisper to him after a few moments.
Evan shifts in the sheets.
“I know you like to talk in the dark, so will you answer a question I have?” My voice is soft, not intimidating. I wanted nothing more than for him to confide in me and trust that he could speak to me about things that troubled him.
“Yes,” Evan croaks before bed buries his head into the pillow.
Taking a deep breath before I prepare myself for what I’m going to say. “I need you to be completely honest with me, okay?”
“Tell me right now if you think you need professional help,” I start and the room falls silent. “And I don’t mean just going to therapy and taking medication. Do you think that you need full support 24/7?”
Evan sniffles and I couldn’t tell if this had upset him.
“I don’t care about money or if you’re worried that people are going to talk and judge. Pups, if you need the extra help you are going to have to tell me.” I couldn’t take knowing what I saw in my dream and not even trying to take action. I’m not going to sit back and let him hurt himself again.
Evan needed help from an institution, a place where they keep you safe and give you the best treatment they can. A place where he is helped and supervised at every hour of the day.
“Do you need professional help?” I repeat.
Evan clears his throat. “Yes,” he mumbles, his voice cracking slightly.
“Then we will get you professional help, we are going to get you better,” I promise him, trying to sound as positive as I could.
A small cry escapes Evan’s mouth and I knew it was hard for him to accept that it has got to this point but we all know it’s for the best. It’s for his health, it’s the best chance for him to have a happy life.
“Will you hold me?” Evan sobs, his voice echoing off the walls.
The sound of his distress runs a cold shiver down my spine, I would never get used to hearing him cry.
My arms reach forward to wrap my arms around his tiny frame, pulling his body on top of mine. Burying his head into the crook of my neck, his tears dripping from his eyes to my neck.
“Shhh baby,” I coo as I press a hand to the back of his head and the other secured around his back. “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”
His cries don’t stop, his chest rumbles against mine as tears stream from his eyes continuously. “I’ve been so scared,” he mumbles into my neck.
I attempt to hold him tighter and kiss the side of his head. “I know you have pups, I know it’s been hard,”
Evan shifts his head so that he can speak, raising one of his hand to wipe his nose. “I’ve been so scared of everything,” he continues. “My thoughts, my actions. I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb and I’m going to explode one day and it’s all going to be over for me.”
My fingers stroke through his hair continuously, trying my best to calm him. His words didn’t make me feel comfortable, they terrified me. “It’s not going to be over for you,” I whisper gently. “We are going to get you better.”
He buries his he was further into my neck and a distressed sob ripples against my skin. My arms hold him tighter than before and attempt to rub his back for support. “D-Do you know what’s the worst?” He mumbles before raising his head, tears dripping down my neck.
My hand raises to his face to wipe away the tears that have stained his cheeks, my eyes now adjusting to the darkness slightly. “Tell me,” I say as I look from his eyes to his trembling lips.
Evan shifts his hand from the bed and the silhouette of his forearm is in front of my face. He takes my hand and forces them to rub up and down his scarred wrists. My fingers brushing the raised skin. I can’t help but frown, sadness creeping up inside my heart.
“These scars, they just remind me every time that I’m not worthy of anything, I’ve done this to myself. I’ve mutilated myself and I am not worthy.” He chokes out, his voice becoming dry as his cries take over.
He takes a few deep breaths and my fingers continue to gently rub against the skin on his arm. “It’s a permanent reminder that I have failed,”
I shake my head towards him. “No baby, you haven’t failed,” I say as I grip onto his fingers and bring them up to my lips, kissing them lightly.
“I have, I have,” Evan whines, his body begins to shake and I hold him tight again.
Pressing my lips to his forehead as I pull his head into my chest, playing with his hair on the back of his neck. “No it’s a reminder that you survived,” I mumble into his skin.
Evan lets out a deep breath and shakes his head into my neck. “It’s a reminder that you lived throughout all those bad thoughts and tough times. You’ve come out the other end stronger because you are still here.” My voice is strong and determined. I needed him to feel my honesty.
“It isn’t going to defeat you because I know you are a fighter, deep inside your heart you are a fighter.” My thumb gently flicks over his ear as I caress his cheek.
His body completely moulded into mine, he shifts again to take a deep breath. “And I’m going to be there for you, every step. I’ve told you this before and I’m going to tell you again, I am not going anywhere.”
Evan’s head raises from my skin and presses his forehead down onto mine, his eyes squeeze together tightly. “I’m so scared,” he cries again.
“Don’t be scared pups, you are going to get through this. I know you can.” My voice is barely above a whisper, my fingers flicking against the back of his arm. Tracing shapes across his cold skin.
“I missed—” Evan wails before pausing. “—I missed you so fucking much.”
I clamp my eyes shut, his words sending my stomach into somersaults. “I missed you too, more than you could imagine,” my words come out a blubbering mess.
“Please, please never leave me again,” he begs as his fingers dig into my skin, the thought paining him.
The idea made me want to vomit, there was not a chance in hell that would happen again. My hand wipes away his endless tears, seeing him upset was distressing my wolf. “I am not going anywhere and I promise you that, no matter what happens. I am going to fight for you, fight for us. I’m never going to leave you ever again.”
A shaky relieved sigh escapes Evan’s lips, his breath gently tickling my neck. “Let’s try and sleep and we can talk about things tomorrow,” I suggest because I knew he was exhausted.
“Okay,” he whispers before burying his head into my neck again. “Goodnight Caleb,”
“Goodnight my love.”