Wednesday 21st April
I’ve been told I should start a journal to track my progress... I find it so hard to write things down because my mind feels like a car crash all the time that I don’t even know what I’m feeling or what to say
Rose who is my doctor has given me four sessions since I came last week, the talking is slow. She wants me to build up to talking through my problems rather than just saying them all at once which I admired. I was worried I would get upset but yet I haven’t. She sets up a safe space for us to talk and I feel comfortable
They’ve also put me on a different dose of antidepressants after I was examined and so far I haven’t felt much different but they say that it takes up to a month to feel some kind of change
They tell me I’m not an immediate threat to myself or others but they’re cautious due to my self harm marks and noted suicide attempts. I knew I had to be honest if I wanted to recover properly and start fresh. I’m trying my hardest to be positive because that’s the mindset I need but sometimes I find it hard because... well it’s just hard
Sunday 25th April
Today I was allowed visitors, Caleb, Ava and Jaxon all came to see me which was nice but at the same time it felt awful knowing that they were seeing me like this. That they had to come to a hospital to see me... but I try to push that to the back of my mind because I know they won’t care about that. They just want to see me better
When they left I just wanted to go with them, being away from them feels difficult. Sleeping in a bed that isn’t mine is the worst. I have a room to myself which is nice as it’s my own space but it feels so clinical, it didn’t feel homely. But then I’m sure Caleb can read my mind which is impossible because our bond was gone and our ability to mindlink wasn’t there anymore but when he turned up today. Oh my god, he came with plant pots and a mixture of paintings he had painted. Floral prints, animals and patterns. Colourful and full of life
I shed a few tears because I couldn’t believe he knew me so well. When we came to visit the hospital before I was admitted, we looked at the rooms but I didn’t dare say anything about the lifelessness of them. Caleb must have seen the look on my face and tried to make me smile
It did. He did.
I miss him already.
Wednesday 6th May
Two days ago I made a new friend, their name is Keegan. They told me that they are non-binary which means their pronouns are they/them. I’ve never met anyone who is non-binary before and I was worried I would use the wrong pronouns but all I see Keegan as is a person and not any other labels
We’ve spent a lot of time together already which is nice because I didn’t want to not make any friends. When we had lunch yesterday I saw their scars on their wrist and it gave me chills because I’ve never seen it on anyone else. Except Keegan’s was a lot worse than mine, they looked deep and raised and it made me feel sad
Keegan and I never spoke about our pasts or our struggles, there was no need to say “Hey, what’s your story? Why are you banged up in this mental place?” Because there was literally no need, instead we got to know each other. That’s when I learnt that Keegan could speak multiple languages and loved watching Japanese movies
When they asked me about my hobbies I felt stumped, what did I enjoy? Did I have any hobbies, any interests? Was I just absolutely fucking boring?
Keegan told me I wasn’t and that I was the coolest person they have met since being in here, I’m not exactly sure what they are going off but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt
Keegan has been at the hospital for over four months and knows this place inside and out. They are hoping to get out soon but they are worried what it will be like on the outside after being in here for so long
I’m sure I’ll have the same fear too
Sunday 10th May
Caleb came to visit me today, alone. It was nice to see him without anyone else but something was wrong. His eyes were red and his skin looked pale, it was like he hadn’t slept for a week or even rested
I kept telling him to tell me what was wrong but he said it was nothing and he wants to focus on me getting better. He kept telling me that he can sort things out by himself and doesn’t need to burden me with his problems but I told him that’s not how a relationship works
And when I said that he smiled and said “So are we back together then?”
And I told him he’s stuck with me now. This made him laugh and he held my hand. His eyes fell sad again and I noticed how he squeezed onto my hand and then raised it to his lips and gently kissed my skin
I begged him to tell me what was wrong because I couldn’t bare to see him like this
But instead of telling me, he made me promise him that I’m going to fight with everything I have to overcome my bad thoughts and think about us in the future and all the things life has in store for us
His words scared me because I realised he must have seen something again, in his dreams. That’s why he wasn’t sleeping because he didn’t want to see them.
I promised him I would fight and I feel like he really believed me, Caleb didn’t want to go and I didn’t want him to leave
Saturday 16th May
I had a panic attack for the first time in a while yesterday, I saw something that I never ever want to see again
Keegan and I have been spending so much time together lately and we get on so well, they make this whole thing a lot better because we can relate to things
I thought they were getting better, I really thought they were on the up but today I...
Today I walked into their room and saw Keegan on the floor with a slim metal razor to their mutilated bloody wrists, I don’t even want to remember the amount of blood that was on the floor, over their body and on the walls
I screamed and yelled and rushed to their side, Keegan wasn’t conscious. Blood continuing to squirt out of their arm and I cried so fucking hard, I’m crying so fucking hard now
You really never know what someone is going through and that is what haunted me the most
They took Keegan to the hospital, I didn’t know if they were going to make it because their wounds were severe
But a few hours ago I was informed that Keegan is okay but still in a critical condition, I’m probably not going to see them again because they’ll be moved to the immediate threat unit and placed on suicide watch
I don’t know what to do with myself because I didn’t see the signs? Keegan seemed fine, we spoke about getting out and what we would do. I had no idea this is what they were planning and I felt so disappointed in myself
And my heart broke even more because I know this is how Caleb and Ava have felt before when I’ve done this to myself, feeling guilty they didn’t know. Feeling upset with themselves for not doing more
I know exactly how that feels and it hurts so bad that I want to scream
I’ve been given extra therapy sessions and I’ve got a supervisor with me at all times, I don’t hate it because I don’t feel alone
Yet at the same time I feel so fucking lonely and I just want a hug
Friday 22nd May
When I saw Caleb today I cried, I cried because this is so fucking hard. This week has been the worst and I feel so low but I promised him I am going to fight and I’m not going to break my promise
My doctor informed Caleb with what happened because I couldn’t bear to say it out loud, I just wanted him to hold me and he did and it felt so good. I will never take him holding me for granted ever again
Caleb tried to keep my spirits high by telling me positive stories and silly things that would make me smile, continuously never telling me to never give up
Knowing that he was coming made my day, it allowed me to have something to look forward to. The second we hugged I just wanted it to last forever because sometimes I forget how much I love him and how much he’s been through for us to be together
He’s never doubted me once, he’s always been supportive with getting help and never once judged me, never gave up on me, continuously loved me. Sometimes I don’t know what I’d do without him, he grounds me and makes me realise how much more to life there is than I’ve ever imagined
And when he left I felt worse than before he came
Wednesday 27th May
I’ve been talking with Rose and she thinks that seeing Caleb and Ava and Jaxon allows me to bring a negative mindset when they leave
I know what she means because I feel it, seeing them is hard and gets more and more difficult every time
Rose has suggested that now it’s been a month since I’ve been here and I’ve had a chance to settle in, that I should consider not seeing them as much and focus on myself
The thought hurt like hell but deep down in my heart I knew it was for the best, seeing them upset me every time and I build myself back up and then when I see them again I feel like crying to Rose. I don’t feel like crying because I do cry
I don’t know how long she suggests that they don’t visit but I hope it’s only temporarily.
I hope because I know Caleb isn’t going to take it well and I don’t want to be the one who sees his heart shatter
. . .