3 days later
The controller almost hits Cooper that walked into the room as I was throwing it against the wall. “Are you mad at the game or me?” he asks. Pacing around, I’m fisting my hands trying to avoid punching a wall. I fill him in on what’s going on. He asks me to sit with him to come up with a plan before we get Max on the phone asking him to be quiet about it. We don’t need to add to Ella’s stress factors. All three of us finalize details for the next few weeks which includes our trip to Greece. Trevor’s doctor authorized him to travel earlier today meaning it’s still happening.
I asked Cooper to go get me another controller when Ella calls. She’s had another tough session with Diane she says. “Baby, I wish I was there to hold you,” I’m feeling helpless. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me,” her voice is small and not quite able to hide the fact that she also wishes I was there, I know her well. “When are you coming home?” I’m wrapping my movie tonight with a short scene they wanted to reshoot and then Ella and I had originally planned on enjoying the next week and a half before Greece by visiting England. I’ve been here all my life, and it’s now her home too, but there are many parts she hasn’t been to yet. “Tonight, I just booked our flight... Ryan?” she whispers my name. “Yes, baby?” I whisper back. “I miss you so much!” her voice breaks, I know tears are forming in her eyes if they aren’t rolling down her cheeks already. “I miss you but I’ll get to see you tomorrow. I’m excited,” I try to cheer her up. The first day when she got to Montreal, she seemed happy to be with Emma but then her depression came back, even through texts I could tell when she was in a bad mood. More reasons why I don’t want to inform her of what’s going on right now.
By the time I’m done talking to my wife and Cooper brings back the item I asked for, it’s time for me to head to work. It only takes two hours to nail down the shoot and then the cast gathers around some good food to celebrate. Our director is congratulating us when champagne is poured into our cups. My hand wraps around it with my eyes fixated on the drink. “You’re stronger than that!” I tell myself before moving my hand away from the champagne. I normally don’t let any of my castmates know about my addiction but Elliott has shared his story publicly so I did talk about it with him. He comes over to me, “Hey, are you alright?” he asks. “Yeah, just a lot going on in my private life but I’m not going down that path again. Thanks for asking,” I say. “Maybe call your sponsor, just as a precaution. And if you ever want to talk, I’m here,” Elliott puts his hand on my shoulder.
Elliott’s comment has been on my mind ever since I left the studios and I pull up my phone to call Mitch after getting home, he always says I can reach out no matter what time it is. I go over my feelings toward Ella’s fertility issues. Knowing that my desire for children might be causing her harm has been messing with my brain, I now realize. I never wanted her to feel pressured to do anything she didn’t want to. A few of the comments she has made after her latest sessions made me wonder if she’s only putting herself into the situation to please me. Mitch is proud of me for staying strong and not drinking. We ended up talking for over an hour and I promise him to stay in touch before getting off the phone. I need to find a way to talk to Ella without her getting too upset, not an easy task with the state of mind she has been in lately.
Just as I was getting comfortable on the couch, my friend Alex rings me asking if he could come over, it’s important he says. He gets here shortly after. “Hey, my guy!” I welcome him. He sits down at the kitchen table with me while sporting a scared look on his face. “First, I need to apologize,” he says. “I should never have brought beer over last time and I now realize that I can’t control myself anymore. We don’t hang out as we used to and it was easy for me to hide it from you. But I’ve been drinking a lot and I dipped my toe into drugs. I need help, man,” Alex’s face is tormented. “I had no idea, I’m glad you’re telling me. Have you decided to go for treatment?” I ask him. “I think I’ll have to, Roxane dumped me because she couldn’t deal with my bullshit anymore,” He says. I’m hurting for my friend, I know exactly what he’s going through. I feel blessed Ella didn’t give up on me, I probably wouldn’t be sober right now if she had. Alex and I look at what’s available for him around here. He wants to start by seeing someone to talk about his addiction before deciding on going to an actual facility for treatment. He breaks down when he goes over things Roxane told him in an attempt to get him to quit before finally packing her bags and breaking things off. He says he wants her back but he’s aware he needs to fix his issues first. Unfortunately, I had only seen her a couple of times since they got together and I don’t know if she’s the type of girl who could give him a second chance. “Look, I get it, you want your girl back but the main focus should be yourself. The first two weeks I did in Boston were for Ella. I wanted her to stay, I figured it’d be an easy fix. But as soon as I was away from her again, I got drunk. Turned out I had to go down and dig way deeper, do it for myself. Ella is my priority but I had to choose myself before I could be there for her. I suggest you do the same, I’m not saying Roxane will take you back but you should start by working on getting better,” I explain. Alex’s tears are rushing on his face as he apologizes for being here, for bothering me. “Stop with the nonsense already, you’re one of my best friends, man. I’m here for you. I know I’m not always in London but you can always reach out and I’ll do my best to help,” I hug him. It’s the middle of the night when he decides to go home promising to keep me updated on his situation.
My love is on her way with Max. I have to relieve my excitement before she gets home and I do so by having a quick shower before bed. Through one of the random scenarios I’ve made up of the day when she’ll feel like herself again when she’ll let me pleasure her; I’m able to get off.