I groaned as I opened my eyes to my lightly lit room, showing how early it still is. I turned my heavy eyes towards the culprit that had woken me up.
"Mother!" I ground from my teeth, irritation coursing through my veins in waves. I don't like being woken up, especially so early in the morning.
"Oh you'll thank me for waking you up, Lenora especially after you've heard what I came to say." She glared, making me shrink down under my covers in fear and slight curiousity.
My mother is rarely ever angry, especially not at me. Kylie on the other hand...I wouldn't say the same thing.
"What do you want to talk to me about?" I cautiously asked, straightening up on the bed and relaxing my back onto the headboard.
"Your life," She bluntly said, making my heart spike up in fear." Lenora, you are going to chase away someone who cares for not only you but your daughter as well from not only your life, but your daughter's too. Your fear is going to be the end of you and I know you know it. Lenora, you know that I only want the best for you and now that I've seen someone that is best for you and that I know will love you unconditionally, I won't hold back on you." She fumed, taking me aback and leaving me bewildered beyond words.
"Wait, are you talking about London?" I asked, my heart skipping a beat just at the mere thought of him.
"Oh joy, you win a trophy for figuring it out. Lenora, I don't know if you have seen but I sure have. That boy has already been hurt by someone and I hate to say this but now you're doing the exact same thing. Instead of over coming your fears and being his shoulder to cry on and his supporter, you are being his killer. You are making the wound he already has into a deep gash that will forever be a scar, no matter how well it may heal. You are pouring salt onto the wound, you are hurting him further than he already is, Lenora and for that I am disappointed in you. You've always been my kind hearted girl, but what you've displayed towards this man is anything but. Lenora, wake up before it's too late. Wake up before you lose something that would have been a treasure to you due to fear. I know it's hard, but you have to. It's time you move on with your life. Clinging onto the past only holds one back. I know you already care for him deeply, so show him. Care for him, stop hiding behind your masks and fear and cherish him. Grab him before he slips away and it's too late." She finished before moving away from the bed, leaving me quiet like a mole.
I greatly appreciated her waking me up because I spent hours upon hours stewing over what my mother had told me. I know everything she'd said is true and I know that I have to get a move on before it's too late, but I don't know how. I don't know where to begin without breaking down into smithereens infront of him. I've never liked crying in front of people but it seems like if I were to actually tell him about my past, I would.
I raked my hand down my face in frustration before checking the time on my phone. By now everyone should be awake. The time was already 09:11, Penny should be busy making breakfast by now.
I pulled my stiff body from my bed and walked to the bathroom to take a shower in hopes of calming my raging mind. It's been too long since I followed my heart and even then it led me to my demise. I wonder what will happen if I follow it again? Will I regret it again like last time or will it lead me to happiness for once.
During my shower, I weighed my pros and cons but that was unsuccessful on helping me take my decision.
By the time I got out of the shower, my skin had turned into a caramel coloured prune. I layered my body with body lotion to give it some life and scent aside the soapy, strawberry scent I had. I walked to the closet with my towel in place and picked out some black skinny jeans, a white off the shoulder shirt and my black Nike sneakers.
I let out a deep breath, before grabbing my phone and leaving my room. I slowly made my way down the hall, going over what I'd say to London once I see him.
Suddenly, I collided into a hard surface, making me step back in pain and close my eyes.
"Ouch." I cringed.
"Lenora, are you okay?" Came London's worried voice, making the stinging pain instantly disappear as my heart started racing in anxiety. Suddenly, talking to him seemed much harder than I though it would have been.
"Yeah, I'm alright." I found myself quietly saying. There's no better time than now, right?" Can I talk to you for a minute. I promise I won't take a lot of your time." I rushed out, knowing that if I didn't say it now, I would procrastinate for a while more.
"Sure." He reluctantly agreed, making my heart clench in pain. He didn't trust me enough that me asking to talk to him probably worried him enough that he was reluctant in agreeing to do so, I never want him to hesitate when it comes to talking to me. Mom was right, I did hurt him.
"Can we talk in your room?" I weakly smiled.
"Sure, are you okay? You seem pale." He worriedly but cautiously stated.
I nearly snorted, but held myself and said instead," Yeah, I'm alright. I'm just a bit tired."
He gave me a nod, but his face and eyes failed to hide the disbelief.
He let me enter his room before following behind me and closing the door behind himself. I awkwardly stood in the room, not knowing what to do exactly.
"Please sit." He nervously indicated to the bed.
I sat down before looking up at him and saying," Thank you." Just as he sat about two feet away from me. Now that kind of hurt.
"So what did you want to talk about?" He asked, going straight to the point.
I kept quiet for about a minute, thinking of how to start all this.
"Did I hurt you that day?" I found myself softly blurting out.
I nearly slapped my forehead at the stupid question. Obviously I hurt him, he conveyed his feelings very well in the past couple of weeks and not to forget my mother, she made that clear as well.
He humourlessly chuckled at me before looking at me with cold, emotionless eyes," I'd honestly think that was obvious, but what of that day? You made it clear that we'd never be." He basically spat.
I found myself doubting my next words, but I let them out anyway," I lied." I whispered.
He seemed taken aback because all his fire went out and he looked at me in bewilderment instead before stuttering," W-what?"
"I lied. I lied about everything." I repeated.
"But why would you?" He asked in a conflicted voice.
"Because I was scared," I weakly whispered," And I am still scared, but I'm willing to try."
"Lenora, I don't understand. Why now? What are you scared of? I don't get it?" He said, pushing himself off the bed.
"Because I have strong feelings for you, London and I'm scared of not only them ,but of you too." I admitted, looking down at my hands as a tear dropped onto them and slid down to my jeans.
"Scared of me? But why? Lenora, I would never hurt you or Emma." He softly said, plopping down onto the bed but next to me this time.
"You see, when I entered University I made three friends. Rachel, Sam and Zach. Rachel and Sam were dating leaving Zach and I as the single ones in the group. Rachel tried to persuade me to start dating Zach seeing as we were both single and he was so good looking but I said no until I turned twenty. Zach and I always got along well with each other so when he asked me to give us a chance, I reluctantly agreed. After our first date, we went on many more afterwards until I basically fell for him. Zach was always so affectionate towards me but everytime he'd ask to make love, I'd always say no, I wasn't ready. Of course Rachel being Rachel, she also tried to persuade me too but just like I had done with Zach, I told her no too. They kept quiet about it for a couple of months and then my 21st birthday came. Then they begun again. I really liked Zach, almost loved him but I grew so tired of him always asking me to sleep with him so I broke up with him.
We had a good three months before we got back together so Rachel and Sam decided to celebrate us by playing a game of Monopoly in our dorm," I said, my voice starting to sound strained with tears and raw emotion," So we did. Zach brought out glasses of soda and put one in front of me before doing the same for the others. Seeing as I trusted him, I didn't worry about my drink possibly being spiked or anything because it wouldn't have been the first time he had given me a drink already poured into a glass.
The glass was barely half way full when I started feeling dizzy and I guess woozy. I told them and told them that I was thinking of taking a nap. All three of them smiled sympathetically at me and nodded in agreement. From then on, I don't know what happened." I sobbed, my tears flowing down my cheeks like a waterfall. London pulled me to his chest and onto his lap without a word and ran his hand down my back soothingly as I sobbed at the memories of that horrid night. He whispered sweet nothings to me as I wailed like a baby, my heart pouring out all the pain I had kept bottled up for all these years.
Once I had calmed down enough to talk, I continued," I woke up naked the next morning with Zach sleeping naked next to me. Pain kept pulsing from inbetween my legs, telling me something I didn't want to accept. I quickly pulled on my clothes and ran out of the room. I was greeted by a relaxed Rachel watching TV from on the couch. I asked her about what happened and guess what, she admitted that they had spiked my drink. She shamelessly admitted with a shrug as if my virginity didn't matter to me. As if I had no choice to whom and when I would lose it. And guess what she said when I asked her why they did such a horrid thing? She told me that I was too uptight and that it was about time I lost it anyway. She spoke about it as if it had meant nothing, when she knew how much it had meant to me." I said, placing a hand to my mouth to try and suppress the sob that threatened to escape.
"Shhh, it's alright. Let it out." London softly coaxed, making me break down even more.
"I ran out of the apartment, dropped out of that University and studied online back at home with my parents. I told my parents all about what had happened and they were furious. We filed a police case and all three for what they deserved, while I found out that I was pregnant. That's when I got pregnant with Emma. I resented myself for the longest of time and feared people for just as long. I couldn't face anyone but my parents. I regretted never going on birth control but never resented nor regretted Emma. Except for the pregnancy, I came out clean, but I've never been with a man since. I've been just as paranoid since that I can't trust people easily. I even watch people but my parents when they make beverages for me in case they try to either spike it or poison me." I finished.
"Now you know my long sob story. I'm sure you want nothing to do with me now? I'm sure you've never wanted anything to do with me since I hurt you." I humourlessly but tearfully chuckled,"I'm sorry London, for everything. But mostly for hurting you and lying to you instead of telling you the truth. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry one when I needed one."
He remained silent, his movements paused. My heart instantly broke at the flat rejection, he really doesn't want me. I'm too late.
"I'm sorry for bothering you, let me get out of your hair." I tearfully said, before getting off his lap and preparing to take off and out the door.
A hand wrapped itself around my wrist before I was pulled back onto his lap. Before I could even react, my lips were pressed against his as he cupped my face inbetween his hands. He passionately but slowly moved our lips in a perfectly sync rhythm as teared slid from my eyes and onto our lips. The salty taste invading my lips before he seperated us and looked me straight in the eyes.
"Lenora, you have to understand that my feelings don't work like a switch. They don't switch on and off when they want to. Mine are more or less permanent so know that just because you hurt me doesn't mean I stopped caring for you. I still do and I'm just as willing to give us a shot if you are." He softly said.
"Even after everything?" I asked, trying to reassure myself that this wasn't a dream, that this was real.
"Even after. I care for you so much and as I said, if you're willing to give us a shot, then know I'm already on board. Have been since we met." He softly said, caressing my cheek with his larger hand.
"I'd be stupid not to jump on with you." I tearfully laughed.
He softly smiled at me before gently wiping away my tears. Before we knew it, history was repeating itself and we were moving into a kiss. Our lips finally connected and lightning hit us like a connection just clicked into place. My hands slowly went to rest on his neck before I felt his larger ones guide me there without breaking our kiss. I caressed his jaw with my thumbs as he wrapped his around my waist and kept me secured. We broke apart and leaned our foreheads against each other. Our eyes met in the most intense and intimate way yet before we closed them and listened to our synched breaths in the quiet room.