Lennon is sitting on the bottom of the empty pool, William is right there across from him, they somehow just stumbled down from their embrace. William looks like he shouldn’t be there, sitting on the dirty floor across from a fucked up junkie. He always has an air of sophistication and polish around him even when he tries so hard to escape it. That’s why William wearing a clean cut suit, bossing around in that office - it’s really not a bad look on him. At all. There he belongs. But he sits here now, legs tangled with Lennon’s and they look good together in the way contrasting people and things sometimes do.
Lennon licks his lips - wet and hot, from tears and a kiss observing their differences and contrasts and it’s always been like this, the good and the bad at the same time, happiness and sadness. Tears and smiles. Hope and despair. It’s ridiculous how much his heart was thrilled at hearing his words even as his head tries to remember that words sometimes mean nothing at all.
- I didn’t expect to see you out in the public so soon after what happened.- William asks after a few minutes of silence.
- I needed to get out of my house. - Lennon closes his eyes, trying to comprehend how did he end up sitting here with William. He was trying to escape the noise from the house and Brian and Lucian were pretty persistent on the threesome. He told them he will only go out for a cigarette and that he will come back and find them so they can continue, but that was such a stupid thing to say, he could clearly smoke inside the house, loads of people did, nobody cares in this place. Then he ended up here. And William showed up.
- You didn’t reply to any of my messages.
- I felt like it wasn’t a good idea. I hated your messages. - he shrugs it off. - And it’s not like we’re friends.
- I figured. But I want to be your friend. - Lennon takes a cigarette and a lighter from the cold tiled floor. He fumbles with it for a bit, looking at William’s legs intertwined with his. He rarely smoked, these are Nate’s cigarettes.
- At the tattoo shop I realised how much I like being in your presence. But also I realized I can’t be your friend. - he touches over his shirt, the place where his bee tattoo is. Silly representation of his addiction to honey. Favourite taste. William’s taste.
- But I want to be there for you. I was so fucking worried after I found out what happened at the concert. I can’t stand you thinking you don’t deserve people being there for you.
- If you knew half of the story you probably wouldn’t be saying that.
- So tell me. - the volume of his voice raises and his eyebrows knit. - Like I said, I want to be your friend, if you want me to. I can’t imagine not being in your life.
- So you’ll marry her? - his heart starts to pound, he feels like he’s breaking. Again. How many times can William Hamilton-Smith break his heart? - And as your friend you’ll invite me to your wedding, right? - William looks stunned.
Fuck. It’s happening again? The rejection. This conversation doesn’t mean anything. They are constantly going in circles. He’s not ever going to dare to be with someone like Lennon. It would be the best if he just leaves now before William says what he actually means - that he has to get married but they can be friends. Just leave Lennon, save yourself another embarrassment, he thinks.
He is standing up and turning around to leave, he doesn’t know how but William is right behind him and grabs his shirt but Lennon is pushing him away. He really has to run away but in the next moment it seems like he is pushing William, and he is stronger than Lennon - not much but spending a lot of more time in the gym then Lennon makes a difference. Not with the surge of anger that gives Lennon a momentary advantage. He moves into his space and pushes him all the way back to the wall of the swimming pool in the darkest corner. And he shouldn’t. He really fucking shouldn’t. William’s gaze drops to the fingertips Lennon lets drifting lightly over the hem of his t-shirt. And he’s ripping at the seams.
- Lennon... - His name on William’s lips, voice so thick, like how it was in the bed of that hotel room. A muscle in his jaw twitches. When Lennon dips his fingers behind the cotton, he runs his knuckles over the hot skin of his abdomen, hard lines, smooth ridges. He still kept himself in wicked shape. He can feel him shiver beneath his touch. William sucks in a sharp breath when Lennon pulls his hand out. And then William furrows his eyebrows, his throat moves in a rough swallow when Lennon pushes his hips into his.
- See this? - he presses his crotch against William’s, the soft moan that rumbles in his chest goes straight to his cock. - This is why I can’t ever be your fucking friend. - Lennon’s dark voice says and it’s like a knife cutting through William’s chest.
- I want more. I’ll always want more. - Lennon skimps the tip of his nose alongside William’s.
- Fuck. - William mutters and presses closer, his breath hot on his cheek, his hard dick rubbing against Lennon’s. Lennon wants to touch it unclothed, the way he had in his hotel room, in that pleasure paradise of silky white sheets and hungry lips. Wants to make him moan like he had that time. His back arches and Lennon just keeps coming at him, keeps thrusting against him as William’s panting breaths wash over his face. The shadows of his eyes almost hollow in the dim light.
William’s fingers move tentatively over Lennon’s back and then clutch his hips, slowly it undos him. No matter how hard he tries to stop it. And before he can even think it through Lennon’s lips crash against his. William exhales a little sigh that eats into his bones. His lips part and a thousand memories smash into his brain as his warm tongue slips across his lower lip. Melting muscles. Sticky belly buttons. Intertwined limbs. Racing hearts. Teasing tongues. Perverted words. Everything pools into this kiss. All of him, all of William, and everything that had and never would be.
- I’m not brave enough for love like this. I can’t be what you want. - his whisper is so quiet but Lennon can hear it as loud as the thousand screams. The air smells like Glenlivet and rain. He pulls back to rest his forehead on William’s. They’re sharing breath, there’s tears on William’s face as he digs fingers in Lennon’s hair.
- You already are. - Lennon breathes out and then runs as fast as he can out of the damn swimming pool.
He remembers the tiny, blue tiles of the empty swimming pool.
He remembers the shade of blue of William’s eyes in the shadow of the pool after he rejected him.
He remembers the roar of the thousands of people in front of him the last time he was on stage.
His phone ringing in his pocket.
He remembers the smell of oil paint and rain in Shoreditch.
whispering in his ear that he will live forever because his face will be in the art galleries all over the world.
He remembers he needs to get away from this swimming pool even though he has already drowned.
He remembers faceless bodies moving to the beats of the music in the house in slowmotion.
Running through the door.
He remembers the sound of high heels on the pavement behind him.
A woman’s voice.
He remembers shaking her away after she grabs his arm, scratching his skin with long fingernails.
They are shouting at each other.
You’re the reason he hates me now she screams.
He remembers the rain coming down in sheets, stinging his face.
He just wants to go home and sleep and never wake up.
Manipulative bitch he says, he never loved you.
He remembers he felt loved by him in that hotel room.
He remembers Maggie Mae in the hospital.
He remembers that he still has Tinie’s number in his contacts.
He remembers waving her off and leaving her to shout outside the gate.
He turns around to cross the road.
He remembers two headlights of the car in the darkness of the street.
She still follows him and calls him names. Leave me the fuck alone he shouts.
He remembers Nina’s hands pushing him.
He loses his balance on the curb.
He remembers a tires screech on the wet tarmac and a blaring horn.
But it’s too late.
Heavy wet tears drop to his cheeks, causing him to sniffle to contain the sorrow pouring out of him. Or is it raining? He is frozen in place, crushed against the cold wall where Lennon left him. As he watches him leave he realises what he did. He let the love of his life go.
- Stupid stupid stupid! - he wipes his wet nose with the back of his hands.
He has to find him, this can’t end like this. This can’t end. To hell with everything, he has to...
He runs for him. Looks everywhere for him, he is in the house, he opens doors, he pushes people, he thinks the worst - that he will find some random person that has drugs and get high again, hurt himself again. He sees Jorja, Sam and Nate and they are also looking for him. Worried Nate is pacing with his phone, calling. No answer, Nate is shaking his head. Music is loud. But the wail of the ambulance siren somewhere outside the house is louder and William’s heart drops to the floor.