He trashes into half-wakefulness, he is clawing at his forearms. A nightmare. The nightmare, more specifically - the one he was familiar with since he started sleeping in Lennon’s bed. William can feel Lennon’s heart pounding hard, and he tries to calm his breathing as the aftershocks quiver through him.
Lennon moves to sit on the edge of the bed, pushes his sweat-soaked hair from his forehead, as he realizes he’s in his room, his home, not in that place from the dream. He tries to stand up, he is still weak from long days in hospital bed and staggers, hissing as the pain in his shoulder and back probably reminds him that he is not strong enough to do the simple task.
William moves across the bed, sheets tangled, and gently guides him down, so that he can sit back down on the bed and sneaks his arms around his middle. Lennon pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes, he exhales hard and in the stillness of the dark room, it is as if William can hear the gears turning in his head. Something big is looming on the horizon, something bad and William never asks what is the cause of the nightmare. Only thing he does is try to bring him back to reality, Lennon usually focuses after hearing his voice, or feeling his touch.
- Breath with me, Len.
He takes his hand that is gripping the sheet and places it over his heart. William inhales deeply and then exhales, he flattens his hand over Lennon’s, pinning it to his chest, making Lennon expand his chest at the same time as William. Inhale. His chest expands. Exhale. It focuses his attention on breathing and murmured words of encouragement rather than those unwanted thoughts.
- Oh y-yeah. Yes. - William brushes his knuckles over his cheek, and Lennon turns his head and kisses his fingers. - My shoulder... it hurts.
- Is that why you keep having these panic attacks? Because of the accident?
- No. - his body tenses and he shakes his head, his long hair tickles William’s nose. - It’s just a dream William, it’s not a panic attack. I’m fine.
- You know you can talk to me.
- I don’t know if I... Just...
- I’m not going to push. And I don’t mean tonight. I... I just want to help you.
- You’re already helping me. You’re so... good at this. You have no idea.
- Hey. - William says, and then he brushes his fingers across his forehead and scratches his nails over his scalp. Lennon shivers under his touch, torn between pulling away and leaning into it, like a skittish animal. - Let’s go back to sleep, yeah? - he murmurs into his skin, sleep pulling him under again.
Lennon trusted William to talk him through his nightmare scares, he’d leaned against him, breathed with him. He’d let him in his home, in his bed, even though the accident was William’s fault, indirectly at least. Whatever wretched thing happened to Lennon, it should come from him, he doesn’t have time to analyse that now because right now Lennon still needs him.
He pulls Lennon with him back on the bed, making sure he is lying on his healthy shoulder and crowds up against him, their bare legs tangling as he pulls his back to his front. Lennon sighs heavily and leans back against him. William kisses the back of his neck. - Still hurts? - Lennon humms. William takes it as an affirmative.
- Your hospital check up is tomorrow anyway so we’ll see what the doctor says.
Lennon doesn’t say anything, just trails his fingertips along William’s thigh. Being with Lennon like this is incredible, like holding a butterfly in his hands, he feels special and lucky and connected but also in constant worry that the wrong move will send him flying away.
William is sure Lennon is feeling more for him then he lets on, he sees it in his eyes, in the way his body reacts to William’s touch. And yesterday when he made him come on the kitchen table, God, he shouldn’t have done it, he was trying so hard not to make this sexual because Lennon was still weak and sore, but Lennon wanted it so bad and William read him like an opened book - needed the release, he needed the distraction, needed to feel something other than pain.
And William was right there to give it to him. William will always give him everything. He didn’t know that before but he knows it now.
But does Lennon know? Or will his butterfly bolt? That’s why William is being careful, tiptoeing around this elephant in the room - Lennon’s nightmares. After so many mistakes and all of them William’s, he knows it will take time for Lennon to learn to trust him, and he’ll be patient. He’ll just be here for him and wait.
- I’m scared. - it’s been minutes, maybe more, he can’t tell because William was falling back asleep, but Lennon’s voice definitely wakes him up.
He props himself up on his elbow, moves his fingers over Lennon’s pecs and abs, relishing the feel of soft skin - he lost quite a lot of weight but his body is still lean and firm.
- Of what? - William asks and then kisses his warm cheek.
- That after I tell you things, you’ll leave. - Lennon turns his face towards his, they are barely a breath apart. This close he can see his concerned eyes, his small nose, soft cheeks and sharp jawline, his bitten lips. Lennon usually has the face of the king of the world, fearless rock star in shiny clothes with perfect hair. Now he is just a broken boy.
- I won’t. - William tells him. - From the first time I met you I saw this... this sadness in your eyes, just for a moment, but it was there and it broke my heart. But I will never leave.- William touches his cheek and brushes his thumb over his lower lip. - Whatever it is, it’s part of you, and I love every part of you, you’re perfect. - Lennon’s eyes flutter closed. William just realises that he almost said that he loved him. - You’ve always been perfect to me.
- God, I just... This feels so real. - he murmurs. He opens his eyes and moves, with his healthy hand he guides William down on his back. He pushes his T-shirt up his torso.
- Take it off. And the underwear.
- Lennon...we shouldn’t...
- Please. - his hands are shaking, grabbing his underwear. - I need to... We won’t have sex. - he whispers but he sounds more awake than anyone should be at that time of night.
So William obeys because what else can he do. He takes it all off, Lennon shifts on top of him carefully and William just melts underneath him. Exposed bare. Vulnerable. At his mercy. Lennon smooths his hands gently down William’s sides, then his face. He touches his semi-hard cock but doesn’t stay there, just touches more of William’s skin, and then kisses him. William is hard just from this - just from having his hands hovering over his body, his breath in his ear. William hums against his lips, and rubs his back, rubs his shoulder.
- Doesn’t hurt anymore. - Lennon murmurs and kisses him again. - I promise.
And all logical thoughts from William’s mind are replaced with a hungry desire for his mouth, his hands, his cock hardening in his underwear against William’s hip. In the early morning darkness only illuminated by the specs of moonlight that sneak in through the curtains Lennon’s lips keep exploring, drifting downwards, dropping kisses on William’s neck, nipples, bellybutton. It’s innocent and it’s not.
- Just want to taste you. You taste so good.- Lennon’s voice rumbles against his chest in between the kisses. His mouth catches his nipple, and William arches off the bed with a sigh. - Just so I memorize it.
And William doesn’t understand, it’s like Lennon is saying goodbye to him, will he leave him? This is about more then sex obviously. William can hear it in the sadness of Lennon’s voice. It is about connection, about feeling, about being grounded to one moment so you can forget about the other. William wants to give that to him but it scares him too. The ache in Lennon’s voice, the confusion, makes him fear what comes after. His kisses are bittersweet. Beautifully tragic.
- Yes, darling?
Lennon says almost dreamily and reaches between them, his hand strokes over William’s cock, not fisting it, just sliding his palm over the underside, pinning it to his belly. And William instantly forgets what he wants to say.
- My muse... - he breaths into William’s open mouth.
He moves south, mouths at his hip bones and the thin delicate skin there. Then he presses his face against his crotch and inhales. William gasps and buries his hands in Lennon’s hair. William cock twitches as he feels hot breath against him, it is overwhelming his senses, he can come just like this, just shivering beneath Lennon’s breath and gentle touches.
And then his perfect mouth suddenly envelopes him whole. His fingers are moving with experience, all around his balls, then under, then over the muscles of his stomach, then nipples. William lets out a soft moan and lets this feeling swallow his body entirely. Lennon’s cheeks hollow perfectly as he stares directly at William and he must know that William won’t last much longer because in the next moment he removes his mouth from his cock and comes up to bite his sensitive nipple. The sudden change from soft and slow to sharp and painful shocks William in the most electrifying way, and with a single pull of Lennon’s hand he feels himself going over the edge, grunting Lennon’s name. His heavy breaths fill the room, his body is still almost floating from the high in the bed and Lennon just leaves a closed-mouth kiss on William’s lips and cuddles close.
He can’t see Lennon’s eyes but he feels heaviness in the air, darker then the night. His chest hurts with every breath and his throat tightens as he waits for Lennon to break this silence. And perhaps break something more.