Beautiful and brutal
The insecurity will always creep in and try to destroy him. But with every passing day there’s more and more moments, each one longer than the other when he feels content. Alive. Happy. Days are saturated with honey and warmth and William.
Maybe it has something to do with season changing, longer days, warmer air, but it’s also him that’s waking up from hibernation not just the nature around him. And he doesn’t know what is happening, what are they doing, why is William still in his home more than he’s not, and why he actually doesn’t want him to ever leave.
Most of the times Lennon just thinks about sex. Every day he has clear views of William’s bulge in his tight Calvins, William’s ass in soft, loose joggers, glistening skin post workout and prominent veins on his tanned forearms and biceps, but other times, he just thinks how safe he feels when he goes to sleep, with William in his bed, not necessarily cuddling all the time, but definitely some part of William’s body always touching him. His toes brushing Lennon’s shin or his palm on the middle of Lennon’s spine or his fingers wedged under the waistband of Lennon’s underwear, or his knees pressing into his hamstrings.
He never had a boyfriend, a relationship really, and he thinks that maybe this is what that would look like. Before he used to think he would’ve never been good enough to be someone’s partner. He is too damaged, too untrustworthy, too problematic - pretty to look at but once you peak inside, ugly and disappointing. But William’s touches and kisses and words are doing something to him, melting his insides and showing him that there’s something inside worth loving. William’s tongue is sweetening Lennon’s mouth when they kiss, honey is surging through his bloodstream.
Just looking at him sitting snugly on his sofa, watching a Chelsea - Tottenham football game on TV while wearing Lennon’s old Rolling Stones t-shirt makes him want to do just that. Watch him watch TV, in his clothes.
William always picks the most worn out threadbare t-shirts to wear, the ones that most have Lennon’s essence in them, being on his body so often and for years in his possession. That is a feeling of intimacy and closeness that he hasn’t felt even during sex, and it scares the shit out of him.
Constant swarms of butterflies dancing in his stomach - so scary. The need to be taken care of, and worse, to show someone you need them to take care of you - fucking terrifying.
But he trusts him, he believes him, at least he is trying to. He can’t deny it. The connection between them is so strong, some soul mate shit. He hasn’t felt so consumed by another person ever and made himself believe he never would.
Lennon unfolds himself from the warm sheets of the bed, carefully, making sure not to wake up William. Usually he wakes up a couple of hours after William goes to the office, but this morning is different. And it’s not the nightmares that made him wake up early, it’s just the sun peaking through the curtains and feelings of hope for the future. He has been writing more than ever, his creativity is going through the roof with so many pages of words, thoughts, poems written in his diary.
And also physically - he is feeling good, there are scars on his body but he is almost completely healed and the accident doesn’t come to his mind that often. He knows he could have died and he definitely hated feeling incapacitated for so many days but he’s always been living on the edge, death never scared him, he even wanted it a few times. So he moved on, he doesn’t care what happens to that bitch Nina and most of it all he wants William to never ever feel like it was his fault.
He also has appointments with a therapist once a week and it’s something that he is terrified of. But after telling the whole story to William he feel tons lighter so he can at least admit that talking about it can help.
There are cacophony of thoughts racing through his mind, ideas about his music, about the next album they are making, the demos they made so far are in his mind. And he can’t sleep. He needs to write something down. Maybe he’ll play that one cord again, it’s been bugging him all day yesterday after he came back from Nate’s studio, but William distracted him on the garden lounge chair. And then they spent the evening just kissing, William was casually working on his laptop, Lennon was playing some old records on his turntable and writing words and ideas down, then they kissed some more. It was all stupidly romantic and domestic.
He glances at him, checking if he woke him up and then goes to have a quick shower with the thought of making coffee and working on some music in the kitchen. When he finishes he walks back into the bedroom, then slowly tip-toes into the walk in closet, to find some clean clothes.
- Mmm... Lennon. - Lennon stops in his tracks and turns around, sees William with messy bed hair and face wrinkled from the pillow, trying to reach his phone to see the time.
- Hey. Sorry if I woke you up.
- Am I late for work? - he is still confused, fumbling with the iPhone and then he sees Lennon’s naked, wet body in the entrance to the walk in closet and his eyes go wide. - Shit. What are you doing? He ruffles his hair and ignores his phone, slowly sitting up, not leaving his eyes from Lennon’s body.
- I couldn’t sleep, had some ideas, and wanted to write them down before I forgot.
- Oh ok. I thought I slept in.
- I’ll make some coffee in a minute. - Lennon starts going through drawers looking for clothes. - I can make some breakfast. Are you hungry?
- Are you? - Lennon looks at him and William just moves the duvet that was covering him, revealing his rock-hard cock. He is slowly stroking himself with one hand, long and lazy pulls, and with the other he tugs his underwear and hooks it under his balls.
- Starving. - Lennon licks his lips, already can taste him on his tongue. William chuckles, a cocky smirk on his face as he watches him.
- Come here.
Lennon obeys in a second, dropping the clothes he never had a chance to wear on the floor, moving to bed, on all fours crawling in between his legs. Just before he goes down to get his favourite treat William pulls him up with a strong grip on his chin.
- Yes. - Lennon breathlessly agrees, his own dick throbbing and mind already hypnotised; he will do whatever William tells him to.
He moans softly when their lips attach but William doesn’t make it last. He cups his cheeks and guides his mouth onto his hard length. Lennon sinks William’s dick to the back of his throat and he groans loudly, his fingers tangling into Lennon’s hair, making a few strains fall out of his bun.
- God. That’s good. - he is trembling a bit underneath him as Lennon wraps him in his fingers and swirls his tongue around the crown.
- Yeah. So good. Look at me. - he wants eye contact and that turns on Lennon even more. William brushes his thumb over his cheekbone as he suctions his cheeks and then pushes the thumb in his mouth along with his cock and Lennon moans. He loves when William fills him with everything he can, just making him complete, needed.
- I won’t last, Len. Shit. Oh shit...- his thighs quiver and he is watching him intently, straight into his watering eyes. Lennon then feels William’s load hitting his throat, and he swallows around him again and again. William drops his head back against the headboard, loud pants escaping his mouth, his chest dilating to control his breathing while he comes down. Lennon slowly pops him out of his mouth, enjoying his unique taste. He missed this so much, he moves his palms over William’s sturdy thighs covered in soft hairs until final shudder rocks through his body and he finds Lennon’s hand and intertwines their fingers.
- Perfect. That was perfect. - he flashes him a wide blinding smile.
- Good morning, honeydick. - Lennon licks his wet lips, watching his beautiful post orgasmic face. Then climbs up his body and straddles him, William’s arms wrapping around him. They are warm and strong.
- Morning, gorgeous. - William grins. Lennon just buries his face in his neck as he kisses the top of his head. - I’m so lucky. - William mumbles into his hair and Lennon just sighs, drawing circles on his skin and they are silent for a few minutes.
- Be my boyfriend. - he hears William’s words and feels his lips curve into a smile against his scalp. He stops breathing.
- You heard me. - William says. - I’m sorry, this isn’t how I planned to ask you, I... well I wanted to take you on a proper date, dinner or something. But... fuck that, don’t want to lose any more time, and we always had the best dates in bed anyway, right? It’s ironic, I know, because it was under wrong circumstances, but that’s where I fell for you and here we are, again. And it’s perfect. - he laughs nervously.
- Will... - Lennon shudders when William cups his ass cheeks and squeezes, but he manages to speak. - I’ve never been, you know, in a relationship. I don’t know what to do... how to...- William’s hands move so he can lift Lennon’s head, cradling his face, peering deep into his eyes, then brushes his nose alongside Lennon’s.
- Like this. - and then he dips his head, sucks slowly his plump lip into his mouth, suckling. William’s tongue slides against his as he plunges deeper. He kisses him until the blood in his veins boils and his cock stands hard, ready. - Can you feel this? - William murmurs into his mouth and Lennon barely manages to respond with a shaky nod. The tender awe in William’s voice wraps around his heart.
-That’s it. That’s the feeling. Don’t give it up. - he moves his tongue over Lennon’s lips and Lennon opens up for him again, hungry for him still.
- Who you are and what you’re already doing. Just... Just this. Be this. - he kisses his beauty mark as his fingers dance over his cheek. - Kiss me like this. Spend time with me like this.
- But I’ll fuck it up. I...
- Well that’s the point of a relationship, you’ll fuck up sometimes and I’ll fuck up sometimes but then we’ll fight a bit, have angry hot make up sex, then we’ll talk about it, learn stuff and grow more. Then have more sex. - a smirk blooms across his face when he says that.
- I... why don’t you just move in, we’ll be housemates and we can do all those things you said anyway and...
Lennon wants to say yes, he’s been thinking about all this for days but it’s so scary, he doesn’t have the bravery he had last year when he asked him to leave Nina so the two of them could try. William gets up suddenly, taking Lennon with him, making him squeal in surprise. His legs instinctively circle his waist, William stands up, turns, and drops Lennon on the bed. Lennon starts giggling as he hovers over him.
- What are you d...
- Turn around.
- No! What... - Lennon is still smiling because William grabs his wrists in his hand, and yes, William is stronger than him but Lennon can definitely be equal in a wrestling match in bed, but then William quickly grabs his dick and gives him a hard, long stroke, it’s a little painful and a lot of promising. He instantly stops laughing. William’s eyes are wild.
- I said, turn around. - his voice hoarse. Lennon just blinks, his skin buzzes to life, electric, tingling. Oh, it’s play time he thinks. He turns around, lies on his stomach, his cheek pressed on the mattress. He can’t see William clearly but sees enough, the way he is observing Lennon.
- I think I will fuck you today. If you’re a good boy. Can you be good and listen to me?
- Mhm... - Lennon’s breath puffs and stutters, he is already squirming, trying to jerk his hard cock into the mattress, seeking friction, but William is hovering behind him, his crotch brushing the valleys of Lennon’s ass. It’s happening. It’s finally happening.
- Don’t move. - he whispers into his ear and bites on his earlobe. Lennon’s mind is sizzling. - Did you have a good shower Len, cleaned yourself good?
- Y-yeah. All clean. - he is always hopeful and with William here all the time, he expected sex, eventually. He wants it so bad.
- Good. Spread yourself. Let me see you. - Lennon is deliriously confused, he wants to be fucked but he is also thinking about the conversation. Are they fucking or are they having the talk?
He is trembling, and ready, but not for the conversation and like it has always been, William is calling all the shots in the bedroom so he can’t just ask what is happening. When William switches into his authoritarian mode it always becomes so intense, he can’t form proper sentences or focus on anything but his voice. William lifts his waist a bit from the mattress and wraps his hand around Lennon’s erection and gives a few testing strokes, watching his face and every minuscule reaction.
Tiny gasps leave Lennon’s mouth when William lets go of his cock and finds his begging entrance, applying pressure, not enough to penetrate but enough to tease. His hands are spreading him open and a long wet stripe of William’s tongue goes from the tip of his cock, up, up and all the way to his hole. He is then back near his face.
- Now. I want an answer to my question, Lennon.
- What question?
- I asked you to be my boyfriend. And it’s ok if you don’t want to, you can say no. But I think you’re just afraid of the word and the label and there’s no reason to be. I heard your songs, I ignored them before but when I listen to them now, there’s so much about us in them, about that hotel room, about me, and that’s maybe the most romantic, most beautiful thing anyone can ever do to express their feelings to someone. It’s timeless, forever. You wrote songs about me and us that will be heard by people until the end of time, Lennon. How can you then tell me you don’t know what to do? - his voice softens. - I just want to take care of you and want you to take care of me too. I want you to be mine, and no one else’s. And I want to be yours.
- You do?
- So much baby, I’m so crazy about you, and I need you.
- Not as much as I need you. - his blood is on fire, his veins snapped, popped and tingled.
- Wrong. I need you to show me how to live life. How to be free. How to feel. Oh my God, Lennon, I felt nothing before I met you, I was fucking miserable. But even when I stupidly let you go, I was consumed by memories of you, even the pain of losing you was better than the emptiness I felt before you came into my life. What a privilege it would be to belong to you, Lennon, for you to only need me in your life, in your bed. How fucking lucky I would be. If you want to be with other people th...
- No! No no... only you. - words are out of his mouth before he has the time to stop them and think them through - God... just you. I can’t believe how much... and I haven’t been with anyone else, since you left. There’s never been other people.
- What do you mean? - Lennon manages to lift his head from the mattress enough so he can look at him in the eyes, his warmth is suffocating him but he doesn’t mind, William’s forehead is wrinkled in confusion.
- I didn’t fuck anyone, in a year, I couldn’t. Look at me, I’m falling apart for you like this, every time. You make my brain melt, only you. You have to know it’s only with you. Baby, Will, honey, please. - his only sweet obsession, his only. Nobody else comes close. He will be his, and he will beg for it, the tempest raging and stirring and clouding his vision so all he could see is pleasure on the horizon. - Please. I just want you.
- God, baby... - he feels William’s hot breath on his spine making him mumble and beg and shiver.
- So yeah, there’s your answer. Mmm... I’ll be your boyfriend. Can you... - he wiggles beneath him, want consuming him, swallowing him whole. - I need... I’ve been a good boy, haven’t I?
- Fuck. Lennon. I lo... - William stutters and kisses his shoulder and Lennon is slipping beyond reason. - I...yeah. Yeah. Such a good boy.
He tugs his hair forcing him to lift his upper body and angles his face so he can kiss him. Lennon’s lips are raw and tingling from the blow job and now his brutal kiss. William breaks the kiss, his gaze fixed on Lennon’s mouth.
- I will definitely fuck you today. But not right now. - Lennon groans loudly and William grins salaciously - Shhh. I know, I know... You’ve got to understand, Lennon I want you so badly right now it’s making me crazy, if I start this... - he breathes heavily into Lennon’s ear, while Lennon’s face is in the dark of the messy sheets underneath him. - You’re in trouble, I will show you no mercy.
- I can handle it.
- I know you can but not right this moment. Firstly, we do not have enough time for everything I want to do to you, I need to go to work. Secondly ... - he slowly slides down Lennon’s back, and breathes over his crease. - I don’t want to hurt your pretty hole, I can’t go rough right away, you haven’t had a dick in you for a long time.
- But it will be good, I know it will, I’ll like it even if it hurts. - Lennon’s body is vibrating with the need to come and the need to show William how he feels about him. His tongue is tied, words of love left unsaid but his body wants to surrender in every way.
- Later, baby. I promise. - he cups his balls and then he moves away from him. - Stay where you are, I’ll be back in a second.
- Will, no, come back. - Lennon wets his lips and he looks behind him, searching for William. He sees him leaving the room and drops his head on the bed with a whiny moan. - I’m so gonna spend the whole day wanking, thanks for ruining my plans William, I was supposed to be writing songs, but my mind is fucking blank now, fuck. Aaaah... what the fuck!! - his monologue is suddenly interrupted by a finger probing his hole, it’s wet and cold and unexpected so his whole body flinches at the intrusion. He feels the finger disappearing inside his ass, feverish moan escaping his mouth.
- I’ll get you nice and ready for me, yeah? - his only response is another whine, he is left to William’s mercy again, not knowing if there’s going to be any sex or not, his back arches and he pushes himself more into the finger. And then the finger is gone and something else, foreign and not a part of William’s body is pushing in.
- Ah. W-what... - he is trying to see over his shoulder but he can’t, William is right there working his fingers wet with lube and this thing inside of him, and it feels so good against his walls, just a perfect amount of pressure but not big enough, no, Lennon definitely wants to feel the stretch and this is barely the size of William two fingers.
- I got us a plug, just in case, if we wanted to play.
- Yeah... okay... it’s nice... - William slowly pushes in and out a few times and then just leaves it there, slaps his asscheek playfully and moves away. Lennon reaches back and his hand finds the end of the plug sticking out of his hole.
- I’m going to shower and get ready, I’m having more important meetings today.- Lennon hears him, all casual and unbothered, leaving the bedroom.
- No! Wait... what am I supposed to do? - he struggles getting up, dick hard and leaking and plug deliciously moving inside him with every step he makes. William turns around, just at the door to the bathroom and grabs him by the back of the neck smiling. He whispers into his mouth.
- Don’t come.
- You’re joking?
- Nope. You’ll love it. - he kisses him sweetly. - I will definitely love it. Just imagine, you’ll be ready and open for me to fuck you just how you want it. And the orgasm will be that much more intense.
- William...I waited long enough anyway...
- I know. I can’t believe you haven’t had sex with anyone, baby, I’m so... grateful and lucky and happy and...- he hums and kisses him messily and Lennon smiles into his kiss, their teeth clank accidentally because they are both smiling too hard now, but don’t want to break the kiss.
- Fine! I’ll wait but tell me we don’t need condoms? - Lennon wiggles his eyebrows. - I’ve done every possible test while I was in the hospital, I’m good to go.
- Same. - he brushes a finger over the toy that’s sticking out of his ass. - My gorgeous boy will be good and wait, and he will get his award if he obeys.
- Jesus, you’re so good at this. - he groans. - Stop saying all these things, you know it turns me on!
- You’re the one who keeps following me. Go away. I need to get ready.
He turns around and walks away from the source of his misery, making sure William sees his ass and what he did to him, hoping he’ll get the taste of his own medicine. He is gloating when he hears William curse and shut the bathroom door.
The rest of his day isn’t that bad, he manages to get comfortable, but he is definitely distracted and at times he just leaves what he is doing and focuses on the toy inside of him. He remembers all the dirty talk from the morning, promises of a good, hard dick in his ass. Obviously, because they agreed to go bare, that means William will come inside of him. Will he use the plug to... Fuck, Lennon’s mind is definitely full of ideas and images and he is getting hard in his comfy joggers. He makes a smoothie to distract himself, and decides to return the call from Liam.
- Hey man, what’s up, how are you doing?
- Hey Liam. I’m good, yeah... you? Is this a bad time? I was sleeping yesterday when you called sorry.
- No that’s alright, I often forget the time difference, it’s my bad. I’m just at home, man. You?
- We should meet online sometime, play some games, like the old times. Fuck, when did we become adults, Len? - he laughs at his own words. - Just offices and suits and ties and meetings.
- Well crop tops and leather pants for me but yeah. - they both laugh.
- Shit, you’re right, you’ll never be an adult.
- Actually. One adult thing might have happened to me, just this morning.
- Yeah. I think I have a boyfriend.
- Finally he got the balls to ask you. About time! Will’s been boring me with it for weeks.
- How do you know it’s Will?
- Yeah. He’s... William. Will. He’s like... fucking wet dream come true. Shit. What do I do, Liam? I never had a boyfriend. What do people do in a relationship? Should I hold his hand, buy him flowers, get him a present? Oh! He got me a butt plug, should I buy him something now or..
- Len damn, whoa ... no! Just, stop talking dude...
- I mean...sure. Get him a present? Listen, just relax and don’t overthink it. He is crazy about you, he talks about you all the time. - he moves on the chair and he chokes, the movement maneuvers the toy right into his prostate, he tries to compose himself, but he can barely hear Liam now.
- Look, Liam I g-got to go. - he is puffing out a breath, trying to sound less wrecked.
- Is everything alright?
- Y-yeah, it’s... amazing. - he breathes out. -Sorry m-mate, I really have to hang up. Call you later. - and he hangs up, not hearing anything else.
- Fuuuck. - he closes his eyes and squirms in his seat, inhaling sharply a tingling anticipation spreading in his groin. He rolls his hips repeatedly to move the toy inside of him again to receive some pleasure. It’s filling him up so nicely, he is digging his teeth into his bottom lip.
- William, baby where are you...- he moans when the toy shifts in just the right way. But he can’t come. He’ll behave. He takes his phone again.
Lennon: When are you coming back??
William: Not sure, I’m having lunch with Micah. You’ve been good?
The double meaning of that question makes him drop his head, forehead hitting the table in front of him in frustration.
Lennon: Who’s Micah?
William: My assistant.
Lennon: That cute little thing that follows you everywhere?
William: Are you jealous, Lennon?!
Lennon: Just trying it out.
Lennon: Been told that’s a boyfriend thing to do.
William: There’s a better boyfriend thing to do, and I can’t wait to come home to do it to you.
Lennon: Come home NOW
William: I really can’t, but I want to, believe me. You’re all I think about. Just knowing you’re waiting for me.
William: I’m struggling, been walking with a hard-on all fucking day.
He whines and rubs his palms down his face, then presses the heel of his hand to his aching erection.
William: Lennon, why are you not replying?? You better not be touching yourself
Lennon: Fuckkyou William!
Lennon: I’m so fucking turned on
Lennon: Miss you
Lennon: so much
Lennon: I’m waiting. I’m always waiting
William: It will be worth the wait, love.
William: I promise.