Insanity

I killed him. I really did kill him.

Crow Everett looked down with regret dripping from his eyes and with guilt clawing at his stomach. His heart, if possible, was trickling with this black liquid of remorse while those three words pounded awfully into his head like a thousand screaming voices. He dragged his trembling hands through the matted strands of his midnight hair and then let his fingers press up against his ears as if it would stop the voices. Blood dribbled down his pale forearms, swirling around the intricate designs of his distinct tattoos, then plummeting towards the crimson stained floor. Everything was dead silent in the room except from his heart which fluttered like a hummingbird’s wings.

Crow knelt down, the eldritch light from the play station, illuminating on his pain stricken face. The gun was lingering lightly on his ice cold fingertips and then it finally slipped like a bar of soap through his wobbly grasp. With the big clash of metal, the sound sliced the silence into a wave of reality, that Crow wasn’t living in a dream anymore.

Then, his legs gave out, causing him to crumble like a cracker. His bony knees pushed against his tightened ribs while his hands were still clamped over his ears. Panic replaced the blood that flowed through his veins and the utter fear of living life in prison erupted like fireworks throughout his nerves. His ribs heaved out heavily while fresh new hiccups mixed with tears poured out into the barren, reticent attic. How could I have been so stupid? This thought iterated over and over again like a broken record, leaving what seemed like burning footprints all over his brain. Crow bit his lip hard in order to not scream out in anguish. How could I?

His eyes became these storm clouds and suddenly there was a warm downpour cascading like rain down his cheeks. The eighteen year old boy wanted to just somehow wake up from this awful nightmare and retake all those razor sharp words he shouted at Danny. All these emotions were encasing him in this suffocating grip, tightening, squeezing, and not once letting go. It left him in an overwhelming cocoon on the ground while that awful silence kept reminding him of what he did.

Letting out a desperate cry, Crow uncurled himself. And with those piercing, black eyes, lustrous with pain, he stared at the blood stained body. The sobs seemed to halt but every once in a while, they would slowly slip out of his gaping mouth. A feeling of this dreamy, fogginess seemed to enshroud the boy in a haze of not wanting to believe that this was happening. Crow crawled over, trembling like a leaf on a windy day, and let his hands glide over the smooth, pale skin of Danny’s neck. Beneath his fingertips lay dark violet and ivy green splotches and some red finger marks which were now only a subtle whisper on his flesh. In this moment, Crow could feel himself about to crumble back into the emotional ball, but he contained those feelings. I’m not going to cry again. He’s dead.

He sniffled as he kept ordering himself to not cry over his friend. That demand seemed to be pushed aside as he convulsed again into a sobbing mess. His pulse thundered in his ears like the rushing sound of an ocean crashing to the shore. Dipping his head forward, he leaned in to settle that one last affection need he wanted. He perched his pink lips against Danny’s which seemed to be carved out of stone. Then in the pale splash of moonlight, Crow cut through the house with the gun shoved deep into his hoodie’s pocket and into the alley ways, not even giving one last look back. The only thing that lingered in the attic was the his apology that seemed to sink into the creaking floor boards, bathe in the glowing video game light, and then float into the inky night sky becoming just a delicate whisper that no one would hear.

Broken beer bottles crunched underneath his boots, cigarette smoke caressed his clothes, and the drunken slurs from the nearby people replaced the thoughts that trashed his head. He drank in Auburn Maine’s midnight air and looked up at the glowing stars above him. The night seemed like to be like a pond, the black sky the murky water, and the stars, the vibrant, glowing lily pads. Even with the alleyways being hoarded by drunks and druggies, nothing could take away the complex beauty that existed when the sun hid behind the hills.

Then in a split second, the world seemed to come to a halt when his gaze fell onto a girl that had this comforting aura. Looking down, he saw how his hand was wound around her small wrist to keep her from falling to the side where the cars were racing past like a blur. Forgetting about that, he met her steady yet shy, stare. Her eyes were a piercing pale hue that reminded him of the grey clouds before it snowed while her hair resembled the pitch black nights he spent alone, curled up in a wide awake figure on his bed. The sound of her voice was like a feather drifting down from a bird’s wing and it made Crow’s heart pound mercilessly against his chest.

She backed up and pulled her hood over her head, looking down at the ground. The rain pattered over the two of them and drenched their shoes as they stood still like statues. His hands clenched at his sides and his throat closed up. Every second that passed, it felt like he was falling; falling into a deep pool of numb love that consoled every part of his emotions. It felt like time ceased to exist.

The girl shoved her hands deep into her pockets and exhaled. She kept her eyes focused on the ground in front of her and brushed quickly past Crow in an attempt to get to wherever she was heading to. He instantly turned around on his heel quickly, as he stared behind his shoulder and watched her walk into the shadows like she was nothing but a dream to him. He could still feel her touch that almost burned his skin like a fiery spark. Stealing one last look, the girl smiled a small, weak smile that warmed his soul tenderly. Then, like a magician’s trick, she disappeared into the night without a trace.

He looked down, and turned around slowly. His stomach seemed to be swimming with butterflies as he walked on; the incandescent moon washing out his clothes. Ever since that occurrence happened with that girl, his heart that was dripping with remorse seemed to now dribble and melt like warm butter and sugar.

Crow then closed his eyes, remembering her heart shaped face and those round, innocent eyes that held no evil..no corruption in them, like his. He longed to hold her again and feel her porcelain skin brush up against his or hear her gentle voice overtaken with the volume of a whisper. A crooked smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and stretched wickedly up to his cheeks as his gait quickened to a joyful prance. He took a small glance up at the sky, bombarded with stars that are cuddled with the presence of the moon.

He twirled in a circle, his arms outstretched to the sides. It seemed childish at the time, but there was something about the way she just left him breathless. As if he was floating on nothing but cotton candy clouds of fluff, drifting way above the mass of black curdling vines of reality. That girl, whose eyes were as clear as the afternoon sky, kept him alright for once and for some reason, Crow couldn’t get enough of that feeling.

As soon as he went back to walking normally, Crow turned his head back in the direction where she disappeared while he rubbed his hands together to keep them warm. Why can’t I stop thinking about her? That girl seemed to just overtake every corner or inch of his thoughts and he couldn’t seem to expel her out. Shaking his head, he moved on forward down the sidewalk to where his small apartment would be coming up which was entangled in the maze of the run down projects.

Out of nowhere, a low, dark chuckle burbled out from his mouth and echoed in the silent midnight neighborhood. A fiery obsession, the one that never seems to die down, grew immensely at the bottom of his stomach and lapped at his heart. It seemed to warm him entirely. And as his breath transformed into smoke resembling snakes in the sky, he realized that, that girl was going to be his at no matter what the cost.