To Be Loved...

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First Night Together

The car ride home was full of tension. Jake and I sat apart and barely looked at each other. Believe me, I wanted to be closer, but I didn’t know what to do or go too far, especially with Dylan in the front seat. I’d catch Jake look over at me every now and then, but would turn away when I did.

When we got home, we walked inside and to the elevator, me following behind him. We were about half way up when Jake turned to me and pulled me in for another kiss and pushed me against the wall. The doors opened and he pulled me to the condo door, unlocked it and practically pushed me inside. He then shut and locked the door.

I stood there staring at him, but couldn’t hold back. I reached him and he reached me and he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his back and carried me to his room. My heartbeat picked up faster and faster and I thought I would nearly faint from the rush. After shutting the door, he set me back on my feet and kissed down my neck to my shoulder and back up.

By now, his jacket had fallen off somewhere between the door and the bedroom and he reached up and slowly unzipped the back of my dress. I froze. Jake felt my fear and stepped back as I grabbed the front of the dress before it slipped down.

“I’m...I’m so sorry,” I stuttered.

“Don’t be, I couldn’t control myself and didn’t realize what I was doing.” He apologized.

“I...I don’t know what to do. I don’t remember doing this before, what if I’m doing it wrong?” I started babbling again.

“Baby, it’s OK. I don’t want you to do anything you aren’t ready for. I shouldn’t have moved so fast. And you are doing everything right,” he whispered the last part.

I let the dress fall to my feet. I didn’t know if I was ready to take it all the way, but I was ready to see where it would go. Jake froze and just stared at me. I looked down and tried to cover myself with my hands, when he came to me, took my hands and told me, “Don’t. You are so beautiful, you don’t need to cover up for me.”

“But my scars, bruises, my bones…” I said. “I look awful, that’s why you were staring, right?”

“They only make you more beautiful, and I was only focused on you, not all that,” he smiled and cupped my cheek. He leaned in for another kiss and I slid my arms around his neck. He walked me towards the bed and I felt the edge hit the back of my knees.

I took this moment to slide my hands to the front of his shirt and unbuttoned it one button at a time. When it was opened, I slid my hands inside and up his chest to his shoulders and pushed the shirt off down his arms. He was kissing my neck and moaned as my hands came up his back and into his hair.

He pushed me onto the bed and kissed his way down my neck, my shoulders, above my breasts, down my stomach and to my legs. He reached down and took off my shoes one by one, kissing each foot as he did so. I had butterflies in my stomach and a weird tingly feeling in my lower parts.

He stood back up and removed his pants, while I slid further onto the bed and pulled the blankets down. He climbed in next to me and grabbed the side of my face and pulled me in and kissed me deeply. I moaned as his tongue explored and fought with mine. He then slid his hand down my arm and up my side and stopped just under my breast. He rubbed his thumb over my nipple through the bra and sent a shiver through my body and I gasped, but melted into another kiss. He reached behind me and I felt him touch the hooks of the bra to remove it and…

Flashback - (Trigger Warning)

I was in a small room and a man came in with a smirk on his face. I cowered back into the bed so he wouldn’t touch me. “Come on baby, don’t be like that. Daddy just wants to play. Don’t you want to play with Daddy?” I shook my head ‘NO.’ He grabbed me and pulled my shirt off and held me down while he tried to kiss me. He moved down over my little body and touched me all over. I started crying, but he didn’t like that. “What did I tell you about crying when I’m with you?”

“That...that girls shouldn’t cry when Daddy is with them.” I sniffed and tried to stop.

“That’s right, I only want to take care of you while you take care of me.” He continued kissing my body and pulled my underwear off. He pushed his hand between my legs and slid his fingers over the parts of my body that no one is supposed to touch. He slipped in a finger, “My, my you are still so tight and dry. What can I do to make it easier?” He smirked as he slipped in another finger. I tried not to cry, but it hurt so bad.

He leaned back and knelt in front of me. “How about you get me nice and wet, and it’ll go in much easier,” he taunted. I didn’t want to, but he held my face, squeezed my cheeks until my mouth opened and he shoved his private part into my mouth. I gagged at first and nearly bit him until he pulled my hair pushing my head up and down. I couldn’t stop the tears that were now rolling down my cheeks.

Suddenly, he pushed me back onto the bed and crawled over me. He took his knee and pushed my legs apart and then took his hand and wrapped them around his bottom. I hated this hurt so bad. I closed my eyes and then I felt him enter me.

End Flashback

I didn’t realize I was crying until I noticed I was curled up against the headboard with the blankets wrapped around me and Jake sitting on his knees calling to me.

“Stacy...Stacy. Talk to me baby. What happened, what’s going on?” He tried to reach for me, but I backed up even further if that was possible. He brought his hand down and got off of the bed.

I just sat there, frozen in place while Jake paced back and forth. “I’m sorry baby, I shouldn’t have pushed you. I...I”

“Jake?” I snapped out of my frozen state. “I’m scared…” I sobbed.

Jake climbed back into bed and I crawled over to him and curled up in his arms while he just held me as I cried and cried. He rubbed his hand over my hair and the other one up and down my back to calm me down. “Shhhh, I’m here. It’s OK, I won’t hurt you.” He laid me down next to him with my head on his chest and kept rubbing my back to calm me.

I must have fallen asleep, and awoke when I felt the bed dip as Jake got up. “Jake, where are you going?” I asked while yawning.

“Nowhere baby. I just have to relieve myself,” he smiled back at me. I blushed a little and rolled to my side to watch him walk into the bathroom.

I felt my face heat up and rolled back onto my back. “He must think I’m a freak. It was going so well and I just had to flip out. Should I tell him what went through my mind? I think it was another memory and if it was, it’s no wonder why I’m trying to forget everything. Was that me in that room, but she was, what, ten or eleven years old? I don’t think that was the first time he came to her.” My thoughts were interrupted when I felt Jake crawl back into bed.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m OK...for now. I’m sorry again for flipping out on you.”

“What happened there? I was kissing you and you started screaming ‘NO’ and backed away from me and grabbed the blanket. You sat against the headboard and just cried. I kept trying to comfort you, but you kept pushing me away.”

“When you went to remove my…” I looked down embarrassed before continuing. “Everything here disappeared and I was sitting on a bed in a small room. I think it was another memory, but I don’t know if it was me or if I’m watching someone else.”

“You don’t have to tell me about it, but I’ll be here when you are ready.” He gently rubbed my face and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes while his lips lingered there. I felt a tear run down my cheek and then felt Jake brush it away with his thumb.

I curled up on my side and felt Jake slip one arm under my head and his other arm came around me as he pulled me against his chest. I felt his breath on my hair and I listened to his heart beat as I slowly drifted back to sleep against the warmth of his skin on my back.

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