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My Memory Is Back

Trigger Warning: Please read with caution.

This entire chapter is a retelling of the traumas Stacy faced.

I began telling them about what I can remember. Parts are still a little foggy, but here it goes.

“The earliest thing I can remember is going to a carnival with my mom and my little sister. I don’t know where my father was and why he couldn’t go with us. I was maybe seven or eight. We walked around, had dinner and played some games. I know I really wanted to go on a ride and I was pleading with my mother to go on one. I started running when she finally gave in. I realized they weren’t behind me when I got to the ride and started screaming for my mommy.

I believe the dreams I had when I first came here could be this memory, so you all know what happened next. I vaguely remember hearing my mommy shouting my name, but I can’t quite make it out.” I looked up at Jake, “I wish I can remember her and her voice, but I...I can’t.” He squeezed my hand and encouraged me to go on.

“As you know, a man approached me and told me he would help me find my mom and my sister and took me by the hand. Instead of helping me find them, he took me out of the carnival and threw me into a car. He took me to some building, but I couldn’t really see it since it was dark at that time. That’s when I was introduced to a woman who gave me something to eat and put me to bed. As she tucked me, I heard her whisper, ‘Goodnight Stacy.’” I paused again. “I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now that I’m remembering, I wonder how she knew my name. Did they know me or watch me before taking me?” Jake and the doctor shook their heads as they too, didn’t know the answer.

“I remember waking up in a small room that only had one window. There was a bed, a nightstand with a couple of books on it and a small dresser that had a few outfits in it. I tried opening the door, but it was locked. I tried standing on the bed to reach the window, but I was too small. That’s when they came in. The man insisted that I call him ‘Daddy’ and the woman ‘Momma.’ They told me to forget about my real parents as they couldn’t help me and never really wanted me in the first place. They kept telling me they were saving me and giving me a better life.

I yelled back at him and told him that my parents did too want me and would come find me. I jumped off of the bed and tried to run out the door. I wasn’t fast enough as he caught me and threw me on the floor back into the room. The woman laughed and left some food on the dresser and told me to eat. I sat on the floor crying when they walked out.

In the beginning, I thought about my parents and sister every day, but my memories of them faded away little by little. I no longer could see their faces in my dreams and I could no longer hear their voices in my head.

For the first several weeks, I only saw the woman as she brought me food a couple of times a day and let me go to the bathroom. I noticed there were several doors that looked like mine as we went to and from the bathroom. I don’t think I was the only one there. Every now and then I would hear someone scream, and I would cover my ears with my pillow.

Then he started coming around. Daddy would come into my room and kneel down in front of me on the bed. In the beginning, I would always try to run, spit in his face or scratch him. One day, I bit his hand and he hit me across the face and I flew into the wall. I passed out. The more I fought back, the worse he got with hitting me, until I finally had no fight left in me and gave up.

I don’t know how long I was there before he took it to another level. He came in one night while I was sleeping. He started running his hand over my hair and down my arm and back. He rolled me onto my back and leaned down and kissed me. I tried turning my head from him, but he grabbed my face and made me look at him. I started crying. That made him even madder and he ripped my shirt off and grabbed me by the arms and got on top of me. He told me that good girls don’t cry when they are with him and it is my job to pleasure him and make him feel good.

He started rubbing my chest with one hand, not that I had much there, while he released himself from his jeans with the other. He stroked himself while rubbing me until he …came… all over my stomach and chest. I didn’t know what he was doing or what it was at first. He got off of me and told me to clean up and left me alone. I took my ripped shirt and wiped everything off, covered myself with the blanket and cried myself to sleep.

Every night he would come in after that and do something different. Sometimes he’d touch me and rub himself, sometimes he made me rub him until he came. Other times he would make me lick it and eventually put it into my mouth and make me swallow it.” I looked up at Jake and the doctor embarrassed. They both looked at me with sad eyes, but didn’t say anything.

“If I cried, he would hit me or throw me off of the bed or make me do things over and over until I stopped. After some time, I stopped crying and let him do whatever he wanted. I felt like I became a doll made to do whatever he wanted me to and I did.

Momma would continue to provide my meals and take me to the bathroom and watch me shower each morning so I would be clean for Daddy. Eventually, I was allowed out of my room to a common area where I met several other girls around my age or older. The youngest was about seven and the oldest was nearly eighteen. They told me that once they turn eighteen, they are sold to another to work for them. I didn’t want to be there that long, but I gave up hope of ever getting out of there. Day after day was the same for a long time.

We weren’t allowed to go to school, but we were given ‘homework’ to do, which were math worksheets, history projects, English assignments and more. We would have to read books and share with each other what we read about. There was a small library off the main area. The older we got, the harder the worksheets and books. Someone said that Momma was a teacher, so she gives us the same assignments as her students. Sometimes we could work together in the common area, and sometimes we would have to work on our own in our rooms. Those were the days that Daddy and Momma had ‘company.’ It wasn’t always fun, but it gave us something to do instead of staring at the walls. We weren’t allowed to watch TV and never used any fancy computers or anything like the stuff you use.” I pointed to the machines and computers around the house.

“Then one night when Daddy came in, he took my shirt off and started touching me like he always did. This time, he slid his hand lower and he started touching the parts I was told that no one should ever touch. He started rubbing his fingers over me and spread my legs with his other hand. He put his fingers inside me and I remember how bad it hurt. He would then lick his fingers and do it again and again. Sometimes, he would make me lick his fingers for him. This continued for a while. He would tell me he is stretching me out for something more, but I didn’t want to know what that was.” I noticed that Jake had walked away at that point with his hands on his hips and head down. I was ashamed at that moment and was preparing myself for this to be the end of us. The doctor pushed for me to go on.

“I learned quickly what he meant by something more. After touching me one night, he pulled down his pants and brought out his part and started rubbing it with his hand. The same hand that he used to stick inside me. He kept telling me I was still to dry so I had to get him wet. He stuck it in my mouth to get it wet and then crawled on top of me and shoved it inside my lower area. I hurt so bad. He didn’t stop until he was about to come and he pulled it out and it went all over my stomach. He got up, pulled his pants back on and left. I went to clean up and noticed blood all over the sheets and my legs. I thought I was going to die that night.”

I looked back at Jake as I remembered our first night together when I flipped out. “Jake, this was the flashback that went through my head that first night with you. I recalled one of the times he came to me when I tried to fight him and couldn’t.” I looked down as I heard Jake mumble something.

“As time went by, he would come to me sometimes every night and other times I wouldn’t see him for several days. I was grateful for those days, but I knew that he was probably doing what he did to me to some other girl.

One morning I woke up and there was blood again all over the sheet, but he hadn’t been with me. When Momma came in, she smiled. I asked her what was going on and she congratulated me on becoming a woman. I didn’t really know what she meant at the time. She took me to get cleaned up and gave me pads to wear in my underwear. That’s when she started giving me a pill every morning with my breakfast.” The doctor informed me that it was probably a birth control pill to keep me from getting pregnant. Jake was still pacing back and forth, but I know he was listening to me.

I remembered the conversation I had with Jake’s mom, and agreed with the doctor. I then recapped that nightmare that I shared with Connie back when we first met with Jake and the doctor and he agreed that I was most likely pregnant and beaten to cause a miscarriage.

“Days turned into weeks which turned into months and eventually years. I watched as new girls were brought in and heard their screams when they were introduced to Daddy’s games. I said goodbye to girls who were getting ‘too old’ for Daddy and given to another man to do what he wished. Some of the older girls told me that Daddy would bring friends in to see them and give them pleasure like they did to him. I was afraid that would happen to me one day.

Then that one day came. Daddy came to my room in the middle of the afternoon which wasn’t like him and brought along another man. He introduced him as Uncle Troy and told me to give him what he wanted. When Daddy left us alone, he grabbed my head and made me suck on his part until he finished and made me swallow it. He promised to be back, which he did several more times. Each time, he would want something different until he finally put it in me until he came. If I cried, he too, would hit me or threaten to tell Daddy. When he did tell Daddy that I cried or tried to make trouble, Daddy would come in and beat me.” I looked up at Jake who was standing behind the couch nearby. “Uncle Troy is the man who found me today. It was when he grabbed me, that I remembered him and everything started coming back to me.”

I saw his fists clench and heard him swear under his breath, “Son of a Bitch.”

“As I got older, more and more men were brought to see me. I don’t remember how many in total, but I would say at least ten or fifteen maybe more. Daddy would still come by as well and then send in a different man each night of the week. He would leave me alone during the weeks that I had my monthly bleed, but then resume when it was finished. Over time, I became numb to everything. I did what I had to do and let them do what they wanted. If I showed any emotion, I would get hit, thrown across the room, cut and sometimes I wouldn’t get to eat for a few days.

A couple of years ago, I think, I must have been around the age of eighteen. I still don’t remember my birthday or my exact age right now. I remember hearing Daddy and Momma talking about how it was time for me to move on. Daddy told her he couldn’t let me go. When she asked why, he told her I bring in too much money as I’m considered the favorite of the men who come to visit us. Besides, I still look young, so no one would suspect that I’m older than he told them I was. She didn’t say anything more and he continued sending men my way or visiting me himself.

Then, things changed. A new man started coming around and only wanted me. Like Daddy and Troy, he started with little things until he went all the way. He was gentle with me for the most part, but I’ve seen his temper when talking with Daddy. I never knew what they were exactly talking about, but I believe it had something to do with me. I believe this man’s name was Mark or Matt or something like that. I vaguely heard him talking to Daddy one night about wanting to take me away from there and make me his. Daddy refused. I remembered the other girls that were ‘sold’ to men and I did wonder why I was never ‘sold.’

Then one night, Mark or Matt came in and had his way with me, but was very rough. It hurt so much when he pounded into me and I couldn’t do anything to make him stop. When I started hitting his chest and pushed him away, he hit me and I felt my lip split open and my eye immediately began to swell up. He finished in me and got off of me. I thought that was it, but it wasn’t. He turned me onto my stomach and plunged his part into my butthole. I screamed, and he grabbed my hips and pushed his nails into them while he pushed himself in and out hard and fast. Occasionally he would hit my backside or reach up and grab my breasts and squeeze them really hard. He pulled my hair at one point and then grabbed me around the neck and choked me when he finally released in me. He threw me back on the bed and spit on me. I tried to get away and got onto the floor, when he grabbed his keys and stabbed me in my leg. I screamed again and that’s when Daddy burst through the door. I thought he would save me, but he just looked at me lying there bleeding. ‘Help me,’ I cried. Then everything went dark.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital…”

I was sobbing now and the doctor reached up to comfort me. Before he could, Jake came up beside me and pulled me into his lap and I let it all out and cried harder than I ever have before.

“Shhhh, baby. I’m here. I’m here,” Jake quietly comforted me. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He kept saying as he held onto me. I felt him shake beneath my arms and knew he was crying as well.

I heard the doctor go into the other room and talk to Jordan and Dylan. “I’m leaving some sleeping pills here for her. Please encourage her to use them to get some sleep.” Jordan took the bottle from him. “She has obviously been through a lot and it’s going to take a lot to process for her and for Jake. I ask you both to give them your support as they are going to need it more than ever.” He took his leave but said he would be back to check on me tomorrow.

Dylan and Jordan came over and told us they were leaving. Jordan handed Jake the bottle of pills. “If you need anything, please call. I’ll be back over immediately,” Jordan said and then left with Dylan following behind him.

Then it was just us...

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