To Be Loved...

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Broken

Over the past couple of weeks, I have barely left my room, yet alone the house. After the night I shared everything I can remember, I moved back to my old room against Jake’s pleas to stay with him. I just felt so dirty after revealing everything I had gone through in my past up until Jake found me, I just needed to be by myself for a little while.

I’m still recalling various memories from my time with Daddy and Momma, or whoever they really are, and more and more of the men that came to see me, but cannot recall any memories of my real parents or sister. Sometimes before I fall asleep, I get a tune stuck in my head that may be one that I learned from my real mom, but I just can’t quite figure it out.

Every morning Jake comes to my door to check on me. Sometimes I’ll come out for breakfast with him, but usually I wait until he leaves for work before I come out...if I come out. I know he means well and cares about me, but when I see him, I feel so ashamed of myself, I can’t bear to stay with him longer than necessary.

Jake has been staying at work longer than usual as well, and I think it’s because I’m pushing him away and he doesn’t know what to do or say to me anymore. Besides, now that he knows the truth, why would he want to stay with me, I know I wouldn’t. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror, so why should he want to look at me?

Dr. Edwards still comes to see me, but has increased his sessions to three times a week. I don’t know why, but it’s harder for me to talk to him now, than before. He keeps reminding me that none of what has happened to me was my fault and I didn’t deserve any of it nor could I have controlled any of their actions. He talks to me about living my life the way I have been, and not thinking about the past. He tells me I need to move on.

How can I move on? I still don’t know my parents or where they are? Do I want to see them again? I think I do, but do they want to see me again? Do they think I’m dead? I want to be with Jake, I have fallen in love with him, but how can he love me now when I can’t love myself?

******

Knock, knock, knock…

“Come on Stacy, you are getting in the shower, getting dressed and coming with Lizzie and myself,” Connie demanded as she came into my room.

I never heard her enter the house, but I’m guessing the doorman let her in since he knows she is Jake’s mother..

“I don’t want to,” I turned to look away from her.

Connie came around to the window and pulled the curtains open letting the bright sun into the room. I turned back to the door and tried to cover my head. She then came over and ripped the blankets off of me and practically dragged me off of the bed and onto the floor.

“Let’s go. You need to get up sweetie. You cannot lay around here all day every day, it’s not healthy.” She went to the bathroom and I heard her turn the shower on.

I slowly followed her into the bathroom and she got everything set up for me. She then left the bathroom to grab clothes from Jake’s room. I’ve been pretty much wearing the same pajamas or sweats and T-shirt day after day and left the majority of my stuff in his room when I came back here.

I got into the shower and turned the heat up and stood under the hot water. After several minutes, I finally washed my hair and then started on my body. I started scrubbing my arms as I normally would have, but then started rubbing harder and harder to get all the dirt off that I felt was on me. I scrubbed my entire body that way until I was red and raw. I dropped the loufa I was using, and curled up on the floor of the shower and let everything I was holding in, out.

In the meantime, Connie had stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets and took my dirty clothes to the laundry. She must have sensed that something was wrong since I was taking so long and she came into the bathroom. She saw me curled up in the shower and she reached in and shut the water off. She grabbed a towel and came in and wrapped it around me. She helped me up and assisted me in drying off and then to get dressed. She brought me back to my room and sat me in a chair and began brushing my hair.

“Oh honey, I know this has been hard on you. Jake has told me everything and asked me to come by. He is worried about you and only wants to help you and be there for you,” she went on, “Do you know how much that man loves you?”

I shook my head. “Why? How can he love me?” I asked. “I..I…”

“Sweetie, he has felt something for you since the day he found you from what I’ve gathered from him. I have never seen him care so much about anyone as he does about you. You didn’t ask for the things that happened to you and he knows that. Please talk to him and give this a chance. I know you love him too.”

I turned around in my chair. “I do love him Connie. I love him with everything I have, but, I still don’t really know who I am, so how can he?”

“Because the person he fell in love with is the girl sitting right here in front of me. The beautiful girl who has shared her life with him for the past few months, the one who has visited sites here in Chicago that he has never been to with anyone else before and the one I know who has captured his heart. You have been honest with him since the day you woke up and he has been with you.” She went on and on about how much love he has for me.

“Connie, I want to be with him, I really do. I just can’t get the images out of my head from what these men in my past have done to me. I know Jake would never be that way and has always been so gentle with me and I truly love being with him in every way. I feel like I’ve pushed him away too far and I don’t know if I can get him back.”

“Oh Stacy, he hasn’t gone far, I can assure you of that, but you need to reach out to him.” I nodded.

We then left my room and went to the living room, where I saw Lizzie sitting on the couch. She got up and gave me a big hug and I returned it. I was glad to see them both, I admit. Connie had grabbed my purse , keys and phone and the three of us left to get some lunch. We stopped at a small restaurant and ordered food to go. We then went to the park and ate our food and talked.

Connie and Lizzie reassured me that I am beautiful, that I am loved and that I’m cared for by everyone I have met since I gained my ‘freedom’ as they call it. They have encouraged me to open up about my feelings to my doctor, but especially to Jake. We had a wonderful afternoon together and I was glad they dragged me out today; I really needed this and I do feel a lot better.

******

They dropped me off at the entrance of our home and I said goodbye and gave them each a hug. I greeted the doorman and rode up to the penthouse on my own. When I opened the door, I saw Jake sitting on the couch with one hand covering his eyes, looking tired and worn down.

I came up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and gave them a squeeze. He took my hands and pulled me down so that my head was on his shoulder and my arms were around his upper body. It felt so good to be this close to him again. I removed my arms and walked around the couch to kneel in front of him and he opened up his knees so I could get closer to him and set my hands on his thighs. I looked up and noticed that he was crying. I reached up and wiped the tears from his cheeks, when he grabbed my hands and pulled me onto his lap.

“I’m so sorry Jake. I’m so sorry that I pushed you away.” I apologized over and over.

“Shhhh baby, it’s OK. I didn’t know what to say anymore to you and it was getting harder to watch you let yourself go deeper and deeper into yourself. I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

“Jake, you have been here for me. You’ve been here all along, but I just...I just didn’t know how to talk to you after everything. I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me after knowing what I’ve done…”

“You haven’t done anything Stacy, please do not let me hear you say that again. You did nothing wrong baby, and I do want to be with you. I always want to be with you.” Jake interrupted me. “I don’t want to ever let you go, how can I make you see that? How can I show you how much I love you?”

I looked down trying to think of something to say to that. “Jake, I love you too and I want to be with you as well. Now that I know a little more about me, I need to take time to move on from that. You have helped me so, so much and I owe you my life. I will try to make us work again, but I need to take it day by day. Can you do that with me?” He nodded and I gave him my best smile I could do right now.

I put my forehead against his and looked into his eyes. I could see he was sincere and I could see the love he had for me in them. I leaned closer and gave him a kiss on his lips. It was gentle and he returned the kiss in the same loving way. I readjusted myself on his lap so that I could rest my head on his shoulder and he played with my hand and fingers as we just sat there for quite a long time in a comfortable silence.

******

We decided that we should probably have dinner so we went to the kitchen to make something simple and quick. We settled on a frozen pizza. Jake put it in the oven while I got some plates and sodas to drink.

“Stacy?” I looked up at him. “I know you think I’ve been avoiding you by staying late at the office. I haven’t been. The reason I’ve been late the last several days is because I have been with the police interrogating that man named Troy you talked about. They have been holding him in custody since he tried to attack you without bail. We have been trying to get him to talk about where he met you and about the people that took you. It took us a while, but we finally got him to confess everything that he knew.”

“Really?” I asked in shock.

“Really,” he responded. “The detectives on the case are following up on his leads as we speak. They are to contact me as soon as they find out anything new or capture the people that did this all. I will let you know what I can, but I ask that you be careful right now. Who knows if this Troy has had any contact with them since seeing you.” I nodded in understanding.

I was glad to know that they are getting somewhere on my case. Now I hope they can catch the others involved so I can be at peace again. I also hope that they can find out more information on my life before the kidnapping and can find my parents.

The pizza finished and we ate together at the kitchen island. This was our first dinner together in several days and I was grateful that we could be like this again. I guess I owe it to Connie and Lizzie.

After dinner, we cleaned up and he led me back to our room. I didn’t argue this time and gladly joined him in bed. We snuggled up together and I fell asleep almost immediately. “God I missed being in his arms. This does feel so good and so right.” I thought as I drifted to sleep.

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