Snow is perceived as cold and beautiful at the same time, a cutting-edge blade that symbolises the arrival of winter and it is so picturesque in photos.
For me snow is always been soft, a way of cleansing my sins from my skin and to feel the thrill of life coursing through my body.
I never thought that it will mean a new beginning for me, a place to bury my past and my secrets hoping that no one will see the rotten part under such a beautiful layer of fresh snow.
The most vivid memory of that day is blood dripping down my fingertips on the white canvas of snow, my hands soaked in the scarlet poison digging into the ground to push my body forward.
That day I let the snowflakes wash the blood away for hours till my body became numb and cold to the touch, that day I had given up so quickly on myself. That day I was just tired of suffering for months at end, endless torture every second of everyday. It did not break my skin or my pretty face, as he used to call me, but it broke something deep inside.
I was a spoiled girl when this nightmare started and though that everything was at my disposal, but I soon found out how even a single breath of fresh air could feel better than any gift.
I had to drag my body for miles in the cold forest in the middle of nowhere and when they found me, his blood was long gone from my skin, but not the bruises he left behind. Till this day whenever I shift at night I can feel the places where my ribs where broken or where the indent from his punch lies on my left hip.
Every year on this day I drown the memories in some cheap but effective bottle of gin, the need to feel numb again is so pressing that I have to drown the demons in my mind just for one day more.
I stare at the glass in front of me, this small bar was the first one I could find refuge in before I could feel like suffocating. After 10 years I still relapse some days in this feeling and I allow myself to do it in certain limits. It is good to remember how long I have come from that small broken doll that barely hanged on life.
I never allowed anyone in my life once I started living like Rumi, I could not put the burden of my pain on other. I am too broken for anyone and they ways that I choose to cope are unusual, but I am not ashamed of the way that I decide to put myself together.
I feel him before I can see him sitting next to me, his hand has several rings and is holding a glass of golden poison that he brings slowly to his lips.
“Do you usually stare at strangers in bars or am I the first one?”
“I was staring at the drink more than you, it looks intriguing.”
“Are you even of legal age to drink doll?”
“Oh yes, I am 70 but I age very gracefully. I could be your grandmother.”
“Don’t play with me doll. I have a kink for older women.”
“Who hurt you?”
His laugh it so deep that it resonates throughout my body like cold water, his hand moves towards me and grabs my chin to turn my head towards him.
“You are right now.”
“Then you know nothing of the world out there, everyone has a demon that they fight to keep at bay. Maybe I will let mine bite you.”
“Who hurt you doll?”
“I did. Have a fun night strange guy that I just met at the bar.”
I get up from my chair and take my phone form the table, he is still observing every action that my body does. I turn to look at him and notice his amber eyes staring at me, they are so firm and in a weird way they feel safe. They feel familiar, a feeling I had long forgotten.
“You cannot leave me know doll, I had just begun to have fun. What is your why?”
“The motive behind your drinking, doll”
“It is way to earlier for you to know this about me, we did not even have a drink together. You buy me a drink and you get my motive.”
He gets up from his seat and comes towards me, towering with his tall figure in this dim lit bar. He just smiles at me and offer his hand, much larger than mine and way warmer. He smells like old liquor and cigars when I am closer to him and his golden locks seem to spot few grey hairs in them.
“How about donuts at 3 in the morning along Miami beach?”
“A girl cannot say no to donuts, I will take the chances even if you are a serial killer. I have nothing to live for at the moment.”
“That is dark, let’s change that with a glazed donut, doll”
I take his hand and let him guide me outside the small bar as we pass few drunken people passed out on the floor. I tighten my grip on his palm to keep up with his fast pace as much as my heels allow me.
“Slow down or you will have to drag an unconscious body for all Miami.”
He stops and turns sharply towards me and inspects my small figure, after few moments she turns back and bends one knee to the ground.
“Hop on so I can carry you and you will not fall”
I take one step towards him and let him wrap his arms around my legs while he stands up straight. I link my arms around his neck and lean my head on his shoulder to rest for a moment. I wake up thirty minutes later inside a small donut shop that is open 24 h, the small shop is cosy and it smells as my mother’s kitchen. There were always fresh cookies and muffins and this was the smell that welcomed me every morning. He is sitting in front of me, just watching me with an amused expression and his fingers are tracing circles over the table.
“Had a good nap?”
“I did… so did you order the donuts or am I to starve to death?”
He chuckles and slides his plate towards me, there are at least 10 different type of donuts and none seem to have been touched.
“All yours, I did not know which one you liked so I got one of each. Know I get to know your motive.”
I smile softly and take a lemon glazed donut to fill the empty hole in my stomach. After a few minutes I finally finish the donut and look at him.
“Alright, it is only fair. My motive is that I am broken and the alcohol helps to ease this feeling. This is the only day that the voices become too loud for me to deal with.
But most days I embrace my feelings and enjoy even sadness becomes it helps me remember I am a human being and every feeling is valid.
So I guess that my motive is that one day a year I get a break from this with my trusty gin and donuts, apparently.”
“How can you embrace sadness? We spend all of our lives chasing happiness and you are okay with feeling sad and down?”
“You chase an ideal happiness and cannot see that everyday there is something to be happy for. If you can be happy for every breath you take than you will not wake up in you sixties and be disappointed of the way you have lived your life. We are afraid to take risks or to speak our truth all in the name of a possible and fugitive future.
You are asked what you want to become when you grow up and you foolishly reply with some kind of high paying job and the idea of a future where no problem exists.
We all ask for what we don’t have and this makes us miserable.
I am happy for the donuts in front of me and for spending time with you in this precise moment. Whatever tomorrow brings will be okay because I will be happy for it too.”
“I never thought of it that way .”
“Well I hope you will and thank you for the donuts. I have to leave know. Moving day tomorrow.”
I get up and try to find my balance on these strappy heels, I bend down slowly and place a kiss on his cheek leaving the stain of my red lipstick.
“Have a good life and be more careful to whom you buy donuts at 3 Am, not everyone will a docile girl.”
“Wait can I get your name at least?”
“You can, but you don’t need a broken person like me in your life. Trust me I am sparing you disappointment after disappointment.”
I exit the shop and go on my way towards the heart of the city, the night city is more vivid than ever and music surrounds me at every corner. I will really miss Miami , but it is time to move and start a new project.