I wondered where to go from here.
I was discharged from the hospital after an attempted escape, had court mandated therapy for mental traumas and was just plain hopeless, and I felt jobless at the moment - considering even my paid vacation was making me feel jobless.
I was supposed to return to work in a week and I didn’t want to.
I wanted to stay on my couch in my barely lived-in apartment, and drink until my death, eating until I felt bloated enough to be able to float. I wanted to cry but my tears wouldn’t come and my heart still wouldn’t stop hurting. I wanted to breathe easy but I couldn’t do that either.
Most of all, I wanted to see him, hear him and breathe his scent in but that was not happening, of course. So, I pulled out my personal phone, plugged it into the charger and waited impatiently for the voicemails.
My inbox was full and while I still had his letter, his voice was much more needed. I listened to everyone of them, saved each of them - even the ones where he was completely drunk out of his mind or where his words really hurt.
" Hey, ratty, been a while. Are you okay? ”
" Hey. I-I don’t know why I feel like my voicemails aren’t reaching you. Let me know you can hear me, please. ”
" Ratty.” He sobbed. ” Please, for the love of god...are you okay? The precinct and your Chief - I hate her, just so you know - won’t tell me anything! ”
" Ratty, rata rata, tata, ratty! Missing you! ”
" Fuck, I was pissed drunk. Sorry for what I sent. ”
" Ratty...I am an alcoholic now. ” He laughed.
" I think I am never going to be hear from you again, am I? Why do you not respond to me anymore, ratty? ”
" Hey ratttyyyyy...I want to fuck you so much! I am horny as hell. ”
" My mum and my wife fucked me up. I fucked up.”
" I need you ratty, I need you. I need you, I need you! ”
" Therapy doesn’t always work, apparently. I am glad it worked for you. ”
“Guess wha-what? It doesn’t hurt when I am drunk. So, I have decided to st-stay drunk. ”
" So ...I was hiding about my therapy up until now, mum finally got to know and it was a night from hell. ”
“R-ratt-ty...she is pre- ” he sobbed. “She is pregnant. I...I didn’t want this ratty. It’s my mother and my wife - they forced me, I was drugged. ”
" I feel sick everyday. Like I can swallow but can’t throw up. ”
" I tried killing myself, didn’t work... Where are you, ratty? ”
" I am exhausted, ratty. ”
" I haven’t talked to my mother and father for a month, my wife has been quiet, avoiding me. I have anger issues now. ”
“Drank my ass off, fucked a sweet boy thinking it was you. I keep fucking up. ”
" I am pretty sure she’s scared. I have shredded my house and pretty much thrown her out but she came back because it is my child. ”
“I wish she and my mother would just stay forever away.”
" I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick. ”
“I hate hospitals, ratty. Make me remember you being patched up there. I hate them. But she is delivering today. ”
“It’s a boy, my eyes and my lips and my smile and her hair...I am glad he looks nothing like her. I’ll end up hating him, otherwise. ”
" I...ratty. Oh, ratty, I did something horrible, ratty. I feel sick. ”
" I almost killed a man for just looking at me. I was in a bar and drunk! I got charged for battery and assault. Guess, I am serving a sentence. ”
“Mother is going batshit ballistic.”
" She’s gone, my wife. I filed a chargesheet against her, the blame wasn’t a lie. Only difference is, I showed the victim to be a minor and unwilling - and not me. The parents of the kid agreed in exchange of money and a settlement in new city. ”
" She’s gone. ”
" I can finally breathe, ratty. ”
" I have named my baby Vidal Zyrith Okoro-Alvin. I hope he gets to live it. He won’t be raised like me. ”
" My mother visited, wanting to see Vid - I threw her out. My father got angry - I called the police. They are paying for battery and assault, and trespassing. ”
" I have restraining orders for Vidal against my parents. I feel relieved and that makes me sad, ratty. ”
" He is 3, he wants his mother. I told him his mother is dead, but yes has another daddy - Zyair. ”
" I am drunk again. Fuck, I hate this! I have a kid, and a hangover and a 4 year old don’t really go well.”
" Vidal wanted to see you - I showed him everything I had of you. He’s lowkey in love with you, ratty. I am kinda jealous. ”
" I feel sicker. ”
" Ratty...I am dying. I want to see you. Come back, ratty, please, just once. Call me back. ”
" I am worried about Vidal. ”
" I hate hate hate hate hospitals. ”
" I saw you today - smiling, laughing, kissing me and then cooking our favourite dish for Vid and I. I saw you ruffling his hair and sending him off to school and then coming back to join me in bed. I saw you, I wished I could touch you, too. ”
" I feel good, I see you more and more, and Vidal is 5 and I am happy. I am so happy. ”
" My doctor says I am loosing my mind. ”
" I wish you were here, Vidal won a swimming competition and an elocution. He is a math genius - he is trying so much to be like you, it’s crazy.” He laughed.
" I feel sick. I feel so sick, ratty. ”
" I am sorry I was a coward, Zyair, but I won’t lie, anymore. I love you, Zyair Okoro, I love you more than enough.”
You have reached the end of your voicemails.