Feelings. They were complicated, nasty, unimportant. As a young girl I was told they’d help me ground my mate. As a woman I was told they’d be my ruining, the reason I was to be seen more than heard. Today, they felt like the reason my mind had drifted from my body. A separate part of reality where I had something.
Was I being dramatic? I was a princess in a castle, kind of.
I had what I wanted at all times. I didn’t have to ask for anything so begging was out of the question. So this had to be the first time my feelings weren’t first right?
No. No I’d been second fiddle before, but I couldn’t remember why. Did it even matter then?
My eyes drifted to him. What was I to him? He wasn’t looking at me so that had to mean something. It did the first time we met.
I remember I’d analyzed his face as the decision was made. I watched his mouth as he agreed. As the corners rose a bit. I couldn’t watch his emotions but I could feel them. He was estatic.
Frankly in a different situation I would have been happy too, but in the moment my life had been signed away. A literal contract.
I felt myself drifting further away and the last thing I could force myself to focus on was his eyes. Green, kind of hazel. Warm colors, but they were cold.
That was supposed to be my first warning. Yet somehow I missed it. I was supposed to be smarter than this. Now I’m stuck dealing with this. Would it have been better just being alone?
I think I need to back. To before I got here. I was't even sure if it'd make it make sense but it couldn't hurt right? Revisiting the days, weeks, following up to this moment could give me some perspective.
Where had I
I'd been too selfish the first time, after all it was just me I had to take care of.