Chapter 13 - Sophie
Biana knocked on Fitz’s and he instantly opened it like he was waiting for us at the other end.
“Sophie!” Fitz said, his eyes lingering down me before he met Biana’s eyes. “Uh, you can go,”
Biana rolled her eyes and grumbled something under her breath. She gave me a quick hug before walking away.
“Uh, come on in,” Fitz said as Biana was gone. He stepped aside to let me inside.
I looked around his castle, and the theme seemed to be teal and gold. I turned back to Fitz. “So what did you need to talk about? Other than a tribunal,”
If he’s seriously going to apologize over a cup of tea-
“Sophie, I love you,”
I’m rooted in my place.
My hands fly to my chest.
I stare at Fitz who was less than two feet away from me
“Y-you-” I stutter as Fitz steps forward and looks at me with hopeful eyes
“Do you feel the same?” He asks, curiously.
My voice catches, and I think about Keefe.
All our kisses
“I-I,” my voice lingers off as I look up into Fitz’s sumptuous teal eyes. “Y-your a Councillor and I’m unmatchable,”
Fitz flashes his movie star smile and my heart flutters like always. “I’ll resign and... I’ll fix your unmatchable problem,” he reaches down to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear
You love Keefe, not Fitz the back of my head screams
“It’s tough, Fitz. I’m a murder and I-”
Fitz cut me off by covering his hand over my mouth. “Who cares? Sophie if you’re with me- a Vacker- people wouldn’t care. If we could be together, we could be the most powerful couple in the world. Golden Boy and the most powerful elf ever seen,” Fitz dropped his hand to his sides. “We could have the most powerful kids in existence,”
I kept hearing powerful
And he didn’t deny that I was a murder
I love Keefe not Fitz
Before I could even narrow my eyes or think Fitz had his lips on mine.
The kiss came out of nowhere. Fitz had his hand clasped gently into the back of my hair while my hands were at my sides- not daring to kiss back. His lips were nothing like Keefe’s; Fitz’s are more cold and rough while Keefe’s are warm and soft.
Anger boiled deep in my system, as hot as lava when Fitz wouldn’t pull away. It churned within, hungry for destruction, and I know it’s too much for me to handle.
Fitz notices I’m not kissing back because he deepens it and presses me against him.
I kick his shin- stubbornly
Fitz’s let’s go and topples back a step holding his leg and he looks up with his teal eyes
My angry eyes are my shield and sword, they are the gathering of clouds for a rainfall you’ll never witness, it’s impossible
“What the hell, Fitz?” I blurted, shoving him back a step.
My temper was a slowly filling glass. There was no problem, no outward sign of fury until the liquid reached the top, then all bets were off.
Fitz looked taken aback from my eruption. He dropped his leg onto the ground. “You said you loved me!”
I rolled my eyes. “No, I never said that- you should’ve let go when I didn’t kiss you back!”
Fitz clenched his fists and closed his eyes. “You didn’t like it?” Fitz let out his breath and opened his eyes
“No,” I murmured, shaking my head, trying very hard to stay calm.
“It was nothing like Keefe’s,” I blurted and I clasped my mouth with my hand
He didn’t need to know that
Fitz looked dumbfounded for a fleeting moment before his expression flicked to pure revulsion. “So, this is about Keefe!”
“I-I um, I-” I stutter looking for something, anything to say.
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Fitz pushed me back to his gold couch, and I fell on it. Fitz unbuttoned his shirt.
My brain stutters for a moment and my eyes take in more light than I expected, every part of me goes on pause while my thoughts catch up. I look up to Fitz who had his shirt somewhat off.
“W-what ar-re you doing, Fitz?” I stutter as I try to get up but my legs have gone senseless.
“Showing you what Keefe doesn’t have,” he answers
My eyes widen in understanding. My legs jolt me up while Fitz was too busy with his shirt.
I grab the teal vase on the coffee table and look up at Fitz.
Anger, and despondency- so intertwined that perhaps their names ought to be tweaked to reflect the true origins of those emotions. I can’t control them, they take over.
I could only feel one thing:
Like a volcano, pressure created from hot, boiling magma, that contained enough heat to make mud boil. Hate expands, inside of me like anything that gains heat. It grows, as it expands, it explodes. And just like a volcanic eruption, hate kills.
I’m not a limited vulnerable girl who could let any man touch her in any way.
I step forward my head as high as possible and I straighten to my full height. One hand clenching the glass vase and the other curled into a fist. My face twisted into the most contemptuous expression.
I clear my throat and Fitz looks up facing me. When his eyes meet mine, he’s not the self-sufficient Councillor that he was a few minutes ago; he’s the frightened little boy- the one I wanted to see.
A miniature voice yells and screams at me, scolds me at the back of my head but I shove it away.
I clutch his bare shoulder- channeling my nails into his skin and raise my other hand with the vase, we both stare at it. My eyes look back to Fitz’s, he was still staring at the teal vase.
“S-Sophie n-no I-I’m sorry-” Fitz commenced, looking back at me
I smirk at him, interrupting him. “Too late,”
“I-I was out of my mind, I-I lost it please-” Fitz looked afraid
“Whatever! You still were going to do that to me!” I interrupt, and without equivocation, I smash the vase into his head. He fell back with a shriek.
The sound of the vase breaking ringed through my ears- not stopping.
I don’t blink. I can feel my stomach tightening and my breathing has gone insane as I drop the extra piece of the vase out of my hand.
I stare at Fitz’s unconscious body. He’s breathing- I didn’t kill him. He has a concussion.
One second passed.
Three seconds passed.
Guilt was consuming and pestering me. A fire burned in my mind and throat. Remorse hit me like a sledgehammer. I could feel daggers aiming at me from the small voice who was always right.
I kept my eyes on his body as my ears keep ringing from earlier- blocking any sound. I felt someone take my arms dragging me, back towards the door but I don’t blink or break contact with Fitz’s body.
My eyes burn but I don’t blink. I don’t deserve it. I don’t breathe even though my lungs are screaming. Fitz’s door slams in my face and goblin tighten his grip on me. I could feel my wound in my temple bleeding, again. I inhale and close my eyes to picture Fitz’s unconscious body.
The ringing stops and I hear a lock opening. I open my eyes as the goblin throws me into the cage and I fall into someone’s arms- Keefe’s.
“Stay here,” the goblin snarled before turning away
Keefe aligned me to my feet and turned me around so I was facing him. He touched my reopened wound; he looked at me with concern. “What happened?”
I bit my lip, blinking away my tears
You’re a monster
“N-nothing,” my voice quivered and my tears fell harder but I quickly smeared them away, hoping Keefe didn’t notice- but he did.
Why are you crying?
All of this is YOUR fault
I stepped away from him and sat on the bench. My eyes drip with tears. My walls, the walls that hold me up, make me strong just... collapse. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from my chin, drenching my tunic. I press my head against the wall... baby blue, so innocent... I am anything but innocent. I’m trembling. I can’t-can’t stop. Even as I press my hand against the wall it shakes, it trembles. It’s raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. I can’t stop... I can’t stop. Why can I not stop crying?
Keefe comes and sits in front of me and I quickly rub the tears away with my white tunic.
“What happened?” Keefe repeated, reaching up to wipe the tear that fell to join the millions
I shoved into his head; not trusting my voice
I’ll show you, I transmitted
Keefe jumped and nodded and I showed him the memory when I came in and when I was dragged out.
I study his face for any emotion but his expression stays blank. I lean against the trembling wall and retreat into a Sophie-ball.
After the memory finishes Keefe will think you’re a monster
I felt the wet, hot tears fill up my eyes, my throat closed tight. Finally, the tears split over and flowed down my face like a river escaping a dam.
I looked up when Keefe opened his eyes.
“H-he tried to r-”
“Yes, and I stopped him like a monster,” I looked away and quietly added, “I’m a monster,”
Keefe grabbed my chin and turned my head to face him. “You’re not a monster,”
I scoffed. “Oh, yeah? When Fitz was literally begging and I smirked at him!”
“Keefe, no. I’m no better than the Neverseen,” I interrupted while I could feel my depression slowly catching up
Depression is the unseen, unheard, silent killer. It’s the pain that’s too much to cope with, too hard to deal with and so misunderstood. You can’t escape it no matter how hard you try, because it follows you around like a black shadow that’s on the inside, eating you.
Keefe pulled me into a hug- a hug I don’t deserve but I still fall into it. My head rests on his chest and my legs still to my chest. And the tears don’t stop- they never will. I suddenly wish that I had a knife or anything sharp so I can dig into my skin and not bother anyone anymore.
Keefe wraps me tighter and I remember that he’s an Empath, he can feel what I’m feeling, nobody wants to feel that.
I moved away from him and since I was sitting at the corner I could lean back and lean my head on the other wall. I rest my head on my knees as the tears fall onto the bench.
I wish the guilt will dissolve and all the mistakes I’ve made will drain away. Like the rain it will go away and come back down again another day, haunting and taunting of what I’ve done.
I bite my hand and I try not to scream at myself but a sob comes trembling out and I bite my hand harder. I try to muffle the terrible sobs but they’re too rambunctious.
“Sophie-” Keefe starts but I interrupt him by raising my hand. Keefe grabs my hand and clasped it with both of his. I don’t even bother pulling it away.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to still love the sun and the rain, and be able to dance with the breeze. But I don’t. I don’t even remember what it feels to be happy. I hate this, that I find no more joy in the sun and the rain, that dancing through the trees with the breeze no longer compels me. My heart aches and tears enter my mouth so that I can taste my grief.
I can’t take this anymore. Maybe if I could just reach up with my hands to grip my neck and clutch it-
Keefe grabs my other hand before it could reach my neck. I meet his eyes and my bottom lip trembles. Keefe reaches up to wipe my tears away.
“Keefe,” I manage between my stupid breaths, and the lump in my throat expands as Keefe stretches his arms and I instantly fall into his embrace. And I sob and weep into his chest.
“Why... does.... the world... hate me?” I ask between breaths as Keefe strokes my hair.
“No, Sophie the world doesn’t hate you,” Keefe whispered into my ear as he holds me tighter.
I breathed heavier than I ever had before. I was gasping for air that simply wasn’t there. My throat burned, forming a silent scream.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again a year ago but I can’t help it. Everything is just a mistake.
I’m a mistake.
Keefe pulled my chin up from his chest. “Come on, Soph, don’t cry,”
I sniffled, and I tried to sit up straight but my legs won’t work. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my lips together to keep everything in. But a tear slipped down. I felt Keefe sweep it away, and he pulled me to sit on my own. “We need a distraction,”
I wiped my nose with my hand and rested my feet on the ground. “Distraction?” I asked, and I cleared my throat
Keefe nodded and thought for a moment. “Ooh, how about the human game... Uh, what was it called?”
I looked up to meet his eyes.
“The one with the hand thingy like....” Keefe made his hand into a fist.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” I asked
“Yes! That one!” Keefe looked at his hands and practiced the moves
I laughed softly as I sniffled. Keefe looked up and smiled, he tucked a loose strand behind my ear and leaned in to kiss my cheek.
Keefe leaned back and said: “Okay let’s start!”
I nodded still not trusting my voice
“Rock, paper, scissors SHOOT!” Keefe yelled the last part a little louder. I decided to go with paper and Keefe went with the rock.
I smile and wrap my hand on Keefe’s warm fist. Keefe scrunched his eyebrows together and stared at our hands. “That doesn’t make any sense! Rock can rip paper.... Wait that’s right- right?”
I smile and... laugh in response. “No, I win,” I shook my head and my voice sounded strangely horse. I blink and clear my throat.
Keefe smirks and his hands travel up my arm while I watch him curiously. “What-?” I ask but I started to laugh uncontrollably, Keefe was tickling me and he wouldn’t stop.
“Keefe.... STOP!” I said, still laughing, trying to find his hands. I pulled his hands away and took a deep breath.
I was still holding Keefe’s hands and looked up to Keefe’s laughing eyes.
“Someone’s ticklish,” he teased
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, whatever,” as I looked at him, I could feel my melancholy dissolving bit by bit.
My hold on his hands tightened. “Thanks, Keefe,”
Keefe let go of my hands and cupped my face and leaned in close. “Anytime,”
His lips barely brushed mine when we heard someone’s voice
“Open the door,” a demanding voice ordered
We moved apart, slowly, still swimming in each other’s eyes.
I looked to see who it was- all the 12 Councillors minus Fitz.
I investigate all of their faces.
Bronte wouldn’t meet my eyes.
I looked at my mother- the only family I have and she was staring at her feet.
I looked at Alina who had a slight smirk plastered on her face.
“Is anyone going to say anything? Or should I spoil the news?” Alina asked. She laughed when no one said anything and then she looked our way. “We have called your tribunal off. We’ve decided your punishment,”
“What are they?” Keefe asked, curiously
This time someone else spoke- Bronte. “You’re off the hook Mr. Sencen,” he mutteredp
Satisfaction engulfed me. At least Keefe wouldn’t have to suffer because of my disastrous mistakes.
“As for the so-called Moonlark,” Alina started staring at me. Keefe seized my hand, protectively.
“Are you sure about this-?” Oralie finally spoke but Alina hushed her by holding her hand up
Alina met my eyes. “Shall be exiled,”