Natalie
Natalie.
We are 14 and we are in the school hallway and I am watching as you reach back behind your head and your fingers are separating, twisting, reaching, plaiting your long hair into a braid down the middle of your back
and
I am wanting you to braid my hair but mine is short and I don't care about the braid, I just want to feel your fingers in my hair, touching my scalp, sliding down my back
but
I don't ask and I don't come to you and
I don't move
because
that is not what girls do.
*****
Natalie.
We are 15 and we are sitting in the school hallway between classes and we are surrounded by friends
and
somehow I am holding something that you want, and you squeal and lunge for it and I am holding it just out of your reach
so
you are clambering over me and everyone is laughing and I am laughing but my pulse is racing as your body is pressing against mine and I am sure that everyone will know and that you will know
and
you reach for what I have and you are desperate to get it and I don't even remember what it is anymore, I just know that if I let you have it, you will take your body away from mine and so I hold it tight in my fist
and
you are almost on top of me and I can barely breath and all I want is to reach up and kiss you and I have never wanted anything like this before
but
I don't kiss you
because
that is not what girls do.
*****
Natalie.
We are 16 and I have a boyfriend and then I have a different boyfriend and they are teaching me things about what I like and what I want and what I don't like and what I don't want
but
what I am learning is that what I like and what I want is you but I don't tell you
because
that is not what girls do.
*****
Natalie.
We are 17 and our last year of school is almost done and I am feeling very brave and so I tell you that I like you and then I hold my breath
and
you make a joke and I cannot tell if you misunderstood or if you understood perfectly and you just don't feel the same
and so
I laugh
because that's what girls do.
*****
Natalie.
We are 18 and it is summer and soon we will leave this town and go to our separate next places but for now we are having a sleepover
because that's what girls do
and we are in my parents' basement on a fold-out bed and we are watching a movie and I know the movie is beautiful but I cannot remember what it is about because while you are watching the movie I am watching you
and
you are facing away from me and all I want is to say your name so that you will turn and look at me and my lips form the letters but no sound comes out
and
I reach my hand out to touch you, your side, your hip, just inches from my fingers and then I bring my hand back in because I am remembering how you laughed
and
I know that this is my last chance
but
I still cannot bring myself to reach across those inches that now seem like miles
and
I am sure that you will hear my heart thudding because it is so so loud and you will hear my breath because it is fast and shallow
but
you don't turn to me and I don't say your name and I don't reach my fingers to your skin and instead we go to sleep
because that
is what girls do.