What Girls Do

Natalie.

We are 14 and we are in the school hallway and I am watching as you reach back behind your head and your fingers are separating, twisting, reaching, plaiting your long hair into a braid down the middle of your back

and

I am wanting you to braid my hair but mine is short and I don't care about the braid, I just want to feel your fingers in my hair, touching my scalp, sliding down my back

but

I don't ask and I don't come to you and

I don't move

because

that is not what girls do.

*****

Natalie.

We are 15 and we are sitting in the school hallway between classes and we are surrounded by friends

and

somehow I am holding something that you want, and you squeal and lunge for it and I am holding it just out of your reach

so

you are clambering over me and everyone is laughing and I am laughing but my pulse is racing as your body is pressing against mine and I am sure that everyone will know and that you will know

and

you reach for what I have and you are desperate to get it and I don't even remember what it is anymore, I just know that if I let you have it, you will take your body away from mine and so I hold it tight in my fist

and

you are almost on top of me and I can barely breath and all I want is to reach up and kiss you and I have never wanted anything like this before

but

I don't kiss you

because

that is not what girls do.

*****

Natalie.

We are 16 and I have a boyfriend and then I have a different boyfriend and they are teaching me things about what I like and what I want and what I don't like and what I don't want

but

what I am learning is that what I like and what I want is you but I don't tell you

because

that is not what girls do.

*****

Natalie.

We are 17 and our last year of school is almost done and I am feeling very brave and so I tell you that I like you and then I hold my breath

and

you make a joke and I cannot tell if you misunderstood or if you understood perfectly and you just don't feel the same

and so

I laugh

because that's what girls do.

*****

Natalie.

We are 18 and it is summer and soon we will leave this town and go to our separate next places but for now we are having a sleepover

because that's what girls do

and we are in my parents' basement on a fold-out bed and we are watching a movie and I know the movie is beautiful but I cannot remember what it is about because while you are watching the movie I am watching you

and

you are facing away from me and all I want is to say your name so that you will turn and look at me and my lips form the letters but no sound comes out

and

I reach my hand out to touch you, your side, your hip, just inches from my fingers and then I bring my hand back in because I am remembering how you laughed

and

I know that this is my last chance

but

I still cannot bring myself to reach across those inches that now seem like miles

and

I am sure that you will hear my heart thudding because it is so so loud and you will hear my breath because it is fast and shallow

but

you don't turn to me and I don't say your name and I don't reach my fingers to your skin and instead we go to sleep

because that

is what girls do.