Chapter 5 - Numb
There’s a point, when you’re dealing with stress, that your mind just wants to shut down. It’s really a self-defense type of deal. Your brain tells you that the situation isn’t okay and that you need to do something about it. When you can’t do anything about it, or the actions you take seem to make it worse, your brain starts to form new plans. In some cases, the plan is to short circuit.
That’s how I feel right now. My brain seems to have short circuited and I don’t want to do anything. Thank the Goddess for Tori though.
She had concocted a plan to get us away from what she was calling a “jacked” situation. Actually, she had been calling it total fubar, but she’s also been playing with words to try and cheer me up. Anyway, she wanted to get us both out of MeadowEdge and instead stay in the City. And without anyone being suspicious of what had happened.
It was pretty common for wolves who didn’t find their mate to go into the City to do so. So common that Tori’s parents had asked us before why we hadn’t gone. They didn’t know my secrets of course and Tori didn’t want to go without me. Though now, even though this was totally a way to escape the fuckery, she was pretty excited about the opportunity to go. She wanted to find her mate as most wolves did. And even though the reasons behind it weren’t all that good, it was still a reason to go.
So, she and I went over how we were going to approach this. She talked to her parents, telling them that we wanted to go. No issue there. Her next stop was to go over and ask Alpha Mark and Beta Luke for permission. They weren’t aware she knew about me, or of anything that had happened with Daniel thank the Goddess.
I was honestly afraid that they wouldn’t allow me to go. Since the only reason I was here was so I could be ‘protected’, I didn’t think they would even consider such a dangerous adventure. Tori turned out to be a master of deception. She sold them her story about how we had both been around every eligible male in the pack, but nothing. Then she super sold them, telling them how upset I was because my mate wasn’t here. To top it off, she even somehow sold them a sob story about how I was so upset because of how long we had looked around, that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it.
She managed to get permission for us both to go, funds for us to stay for a few months, because they needed to make sure we were going have safe accommodations, and even a damn ride there. On top of all that, she managed to get her parents, the Alpha, and the Beta to agree that we could go alone. I don’t know if being a con artist is a gift, but that girl should get an award for the amount of horse shit she spewed to get this all done.
Her parents asked and obtained their own permission to leave and take us. They had already found a month-by-month studio apartment we could rent that was in a good area and had nice security. The building was wolf owned too, which was a must. That really wasn’t that abnormal since the City was such a large hub. Based on our searches, you could find anything from a hovel to an heiress’ mansion. The parental group, even though not my parents, cared for everything including paying the first month’s rent. Given the turnover once people find their mates, there were a lot of options that only went month by month.
While we were packing, I made the mistake of telling Tori that she didn’t have to go with me. “Bitch please, I’m going with you and that’s final. Not only would it be a crime to let you just run out on your own with no wing-woman. But let’s be honest, you love and need my ass.”
I admitted it, I did.
“I’m pretty sure you’re the only ray of light that I can see right now Tor. Just promise me that you’re going to try looking for your mate too.” I knew she wanted to find her mate, but she wouldn’t put herself first. Not right now. And I’d be dammed if it put myself before her happiness.
“Don’t worry chica. I fully intend to scope out all the male flesh I can while we see what we can find for you.” A wink from her and an eye roll from me followed that statement. Sometimes, this woman concerned me. Sometimes she was just funny. And then there were times like now, where I didn’t know what to do with her.
We finished packing up our belongings. Although it was possible, we would end up back here, the hope was always that when people left, they’d find their mates and then decide what pack to go back to. I knew that wasn’t going to happen for me, obviously. I wasn’t coming back here, no matter what. So, I packed everything I felt I would need. I never kept many knick knacks or anything. So, my belongings comprised of clothes and a few pictures of Tori and I through the years.
At least I want high maintenance in that regard. In comparison to Tori, I was a complete minimalist. She had packed her stuff the night before and stuffed it into her parent’s car. And when I mean stuffed, I mean I’m not sure how we’re all going to fit. I’m pretty sure she’s never thrown anything away. She classifies everything a memory and will box, file, or somehow get it embedded in something.
Tori had come over to help me finish, leaving her parents to figure out how to fit us in an overly packed car. We were now waiting for them to get us from the pack house. I was hoping they would hurry. Although it was pretty early in the morning, I really didn’t want to run into anyone else.
Basically, all of the All-Star clique knew what had happened. Those that were there that night, even though they left, still got enough of a show. Besides looking absolutely pathetic because I felt like I was breaking, I also had quite a bit of animosity toward that whole crowd. Every one of them that knew I was there did nothing, said nothing.
I really hadn’t shown my face since that night. I wanted to both avoid them all and yell at them for their cowardice.
“Before we go, drink this.” Tori handed me a glass of clear liquid. I honestly thought it was water. I don’t even question her and just gulp it down in one shot.
“Holy fuck, that burns! What the fuck is in this!” I think that’s what I said at least. Or yelled. The crap she had given me hurt going down and hurt sitting in my stomach.
“Well mostly vodka, but there’s some wolfsbane mixed in.” She said it so nonchalant that I went back to questioning if I should be concerned.
Wolfsbane. In large, undiluted doses, it can be fatal to wolves. Alcohol on its own barely works on us unless you drink an entire bottle, and even then, sometimes it still doesn’t really impact us. High metabolisms ya know. When wolfsbane is mixed in though, the effects hit home. A kick for the cocktails. Most wolf bars stocked it and added it as a booster to drinks but made sure that there was on small amount added.
“If anything happens while we’re on the road, it could raise some suspicions. I don’t love this idea but it was the only one I had to help keep you from reacting if the douche canoe does something. I knew you wouldn’t listen if I told you first, so I figured bottoms up would be best.”
Well as least she’s honest. A bit sketchy with her delivery, but honest.
I was at least feeling better than I’ve felt in days. Who was I kidding, this was helping me NOT feel, which is what I was really wanting anyway. The not feeling anything was a relief. I didn’t want to care about him, hurt due to missing him, or hurt when he screwed Faith. I didn’t even like Daniel as a person, so every bit of that was a paradox too.
“I’ve packed a few drinks for the road, a few of them are ‘special’ for you. I’ve marked them so that we don’t get mixed up and they’ll be in my case here so my parents don’t accidentally pick them up. Since it takes hours to get there, I wanted to be prepared.” She patted the small cooler she had with her as she smiled. Sly dog.
After a few more minutes, her parents pulled up and we shoved my belongings into their car. Then finally got on the road.
Tori’s parents spent, what seemed like the whole time, gabbing about how amazing it would be when we found our mates. I wanted to say, ‘Bullshit, you have no idea who mine is and what kind of stupid he is’, but I didn’t. Hell, I can imagine what would happen if I told anyone. That thought just made me feel worse.
I knew if I told Alpha Mark he’d force Daniel to claim me. I didn’t want to be the pity mate. I didn’t want to be his mate period. I also didn’t want to be forced to deal with whatever he’d dole out either. Considering what I’d already witnessed, I couldn’t imagine it would get better. The idea of talking to the Alpha flew out moments after it flew into my head.
Several more hours later, it was starting to get dark. Tori handed me another bottle, which I downed pretty fast. It burned like hell so I figured the hurry up and get it down method was best.
“Thank you.” I told her as I started to pass out. I’d have to watch myself if she had more, it was easy to get addicted to this, not feeling, deal.
“You’re welcome. Don’t worry, everything will be okay. I just know it.” She had a tired smile on her face. I don’t know if she was keeping it up for my benefit or if she really believed that.
Too bad her skills as a con artist couldn’t be used to convince me or my wolf. She was just as down and sad as I was. I couldn’t even shift and let her run out her frustrations because she looks and feels so unique, she would stand out. That was the last thing I wanted right now. To stand out. Pure white damn fur would be a pretty showy thing too.
When we finally got to the apartment, Tori’s parents helped us move in. Good thing it was the middle of the night, or my outright drunk ass wouldn’t have been able to pass for groggy and tired. We got everything inside and I was finally able lie in a bed. Thankful for the numb darkness.
Throughout the next few weeks, we found different places to go and hang out. Tori would usually pick a bar, club, or something like that to go to, while I just wanted to be alone, and would try picking something less...social. The library was my favorite so far. I liked books, they didn’t talk back or do things to make you feel bad.
Being around other people sucked. I knew she wanted me to get out and find someone. Hell, she told me she wanted me to find my way under someone. The sooner the better in her opinion. But I didn’t want that. Again, not my style.
I had started drinking more of her cocktails too. I finally got her to give me her recipe and then started mixing my own. At first it was just to dull the pain. I felt it every time they were together. Motherfucker needed to break his dick for a while. Is there a way to sprain a penis? I hope so and I hope he sprains it soon.
After enough drinks, I would stop feeling the ache but decided to just keep drinking. Every time the effects wore off, I swear those two fuck nuts knew and started humping again. If I let the effects of the wolfsbane ware off, I would feel the immense pain and end up trying to take straight shots of it. Tori would stop me or make sure that what was in the apartment was diluted. I knew she cared, and I hated letting her down, but I didn’t have it in me to fight.
There were a few times, too many of them in fact, that the pain had gotten pretty bad and I was just a whimpering mass on the floor. I was trying to avoid any more of that.
Twice, it had gotten so bad that I had actually found and drank straight shots. Those weren’t days she liked to talk about. Evidentially, there is a perfect amount to take where you’re conscious, but not all there. And depending on how bad your pain, and the fact that you’re basically not feeling anything, you just go for broke.
One such time I cut myself. I’m still not entirely sure if it was an accident or not, but I did it. Tori found me and stopped the bleeding until my wolf healing could catch up.
“Don’t think that taking an easy way out will do anything but hurt those around you. You are stronger than this!” She yelled at me for quite a while. I still don’t exactly know how it happened, which is probably the only reason she let up.
Rejection doesn’t happen, or at least no one we knew has ever really known of one that has happened. We never wondered why because we were always taught that our soulmates were irreplaceable and that our wolves wouldn’t allow us to be separated from them. Now I knew why it never happened or at least wasn’t talked about.
The pain is so intense that the only thoughts that enter your mind is how to make it stop. I always thought I was strong, but these episodes had proven that even I had a breaking point. Suffice it to say that there are no longer any sharp objects in our studio apartment and Tori will not leave me by myself anymore. Just in case another accident happens.
To her credit, she was a really good therapist. We sat and talked a lot about how even if it was an accident, it happened because of the overindulging. And of course, what that would mean if it went too far. “I don’t want to lose you.” She told me. I think I cried harder that night then I had since this whole thing started.
Pretty quickly, a month had flown. After my episodes and her intervention, Tori had forced me to socialize a bit more and it seemed to help. I was nowhere near my old self, there was still a hole that I couldn’t fill. I told her that once and oh Goddess, her comments.
“Well, you might not be able to fill that one right away, but we can fill other holes right now. Then work on that one down the way.” I’m not sure if she’s projecting her horny onto me or if she really thinks that would work.
A few nights later, she walks up to me reading on my bed. “We’re going out tonight.”
“Why?” I ask, in what has to be the most depressing tone of voice. I even sound ridiculous to myself, but she had dragged me out every other day for the last two weeks. I just wanted the company of the hunky sweethearts in my book tonight.
“Because this city is full of hot, eligible, and willing males. Even if the douche canoe is out there, that doesn’t mean we can’t find someone else for you.” I just snort at her. “Look, I’ve been actually reading some of the books at the library that you keep making us go to and although this isn’t exactly something written about, there are some things I’ve found. And all of books I’ve read on the topic basically say that one, our wolves can build bonds that rival the mate bond. And two, but also more importantly, that it is possible to have a Second Chance Mate.”
“First off, why the hell would I want to even attempt to go through all that again?” I ask her, sitting up and giving her the stink eye. “And second, my mate is still alive. Second Chance Mates only happen when one’s mate passes away early in life.”
“Okay, so according to these books, you can find one without your mate passing on. It’s rare but hell, so are you! Plus, you need to get out there before you waste away in here. Worst case scenario, we find some people to hang out with and make a few friends, best case scenario, you happen to find some hunk and fuck his brains out.”
“Tori.” I know damn well she’s a virgin and so am I. Why sex is the only thing on her mind is beyond me I wonder how much time she’s been spending in the romance section.
“No. I’m not budging on this. We’re going to get dolled up, go out, get drunk as hell, and find some males.” She says all this will so much confidence that I’m inclined to just go with it. Fighting her in this probably won’t be a good idea anyway.
“Fine, but I want my drinks the moment we get there.”
“Game on!” Let’s get you cleaned up and ready for action.” I’m 100% sure she’s got a goal to get me laid tonight. Well, she’s always trying to get me laid these days. I think it’s just so that the ‘douche canoe’ gets to feel the pain he causes me. At this point, I don’t even care.
An hour later she had me in a strapless black dress, black heels, and had my hair styled. I’m pretty sure I had become her dress up doll too. At least she can have some fun doing that, I’m sure I’m pretty depressing otherwise.
“Let’s go bitch!