Are you death or paradise?

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Chapter 20

Eleanor’s POV

As soon as we headed to Eugene’s place, he dragged me to his bathroom and opened the shower on us,

“Hey, wh-what are you doing?” I tried to push him away but I knew that it wont change a thing.

“Washing you off, obviously.” And he removed my top, his eyes widened when he saw the hickey on my collarbone. I felt so shitty right then, I’ve fucked it up.

He ran his fingertips on my collarbone, “How far did you allow her to go?”

“I-I didn’t.”

“How far did you let her go with you?” he raised his voice and asked again.

“I didn’t, I didn’t let her do-” I looked down, avoiding his gaze. He placed his forehead on mine, piercing deep into my eyes

“Did you two have sex?”

“No..” my voice was low, and I slumped a bit my knees felt weak.

“Stand up straight, Eleanor.” he placed his hand on my waist pinning me to the wall. “And say that again, I couldn’t hear you.” his voice was deep and intense.

“I think, we didn’t have sex.” I said immediately, my hands covering my chest. He looked so angry as his grip tightened, but he backed away. He tucked my hair behind my ear, placed his hand on my cheek, and I started crying now. He wasn’t angry anymore, he was so sad. I let him down. He pulled me closer to him, and wrapped his hands around me. The warm water from the shower still pouring down on us. After a few minutes he walked out of the shower to prepare the bath. He slowly peeled me out of my clothes.

We both were sitting on the bathtub, he was behind me, scrubbing my back while I sat there feeling so awful. There was a mirror in front of us that I used to look into it when I took baths here, but today, I just couldn’t look at myself, so I looked down on my hands through the water with blurry eyes.

“You don’t remember last night?” he asked, running his fingers on my back,

“No. But I’m sure we didn’t do it.”

“How are you so sure of it?”

“I-I just know it. And only you are the one who wants me, no one else.”

“No one else?!”

“Eleanor, Do you know how you look right now?” he sat up closing the space between us till my back was touching his chest. He lifted up my chin and made me look at the mirror.

“Look at you, any one would get turned on by that look.” he whispered into my ear while locking his eyes on me through the mirror.

“That’s not true.” Tears rolled down again.

“It is true. That’s why someone else was able to put their hands on you.” he was sarcastic.

“Stop it!” I sat up straight, and made eye contact with him through the mirror, “I’m sorry, I know that I fucked up, and I’m really sorry. I-I was drunk and I thought I was only with Sarah..” he stopped me when suddenly hugged me from behind, pulling me closer to him. I understand how he’s feeling and.. and... he stroked me making me feel a bit better. He wrapped me with a towel, and handed me his hoodie and sweatpants. We were getting ready to sleep, but then he walked over to my side and sat down facing me,

“I’m really sorry Nell, I was so angry and frustrated... and not on you, I was mad at myself that... I wasn’t there to protect you.. I’m really sorry, I couldn’t help but lash out on you. I..I promise you this that I’ll never make you go through this ever again. I’ll protect you with all I have.. because.. you’re my everything.”

“But, I feel like I’ve let you down...” but he stopped me right there. We both sat down on the floor next to my side of the bed looking outside at the gorgeous view of New York. This day was so intense. I felt awful but, when I’m with him, I feel all the those feelings just fade away. He even opened up to me more than usual that night. Even I’m working on myself, to let someone in. I’ve never let anyone in, and I’m trying my best. I also know that he his doing his best too. But this time it’s different, this time we both have each other... I can hold his hand and walk through fire and not feel the pain anymore.

He also talked about ‘someone finally able to catch up’ before, I wonder what he meant by that.. one day perhaps he’ll let me know.

“月が綺麗ですね。” Eugene mumbled..

“What did you just say?” I asked him. “ Was that Japanese?”


“I didn’t know you could speak Japanese.”

“Ahh yes, I think I was 8 or 9 yrs old when my grandma taught me, when I used to live in Tokyo. ”

“Woahh... I didn’t know about that either..”

“I’ll tell you about that some day.”

“So... what did you say?”


“And what does it mean?”

“ ‘the moon beautiful, isn’t it?’ ” he smiled to himself, then looking up to the moon. I looked up and.. yes the full moon sure did look beautiful toni.

“Yes.. it’s beautiful.”

“hmm hmmm.” he smiled to himself again looking at me.





P.S. Author’s note:

“月が綺麗ですね.” or “Tsuki ga kerei desu ne.” literary meaning is “The moon is pretty isn’t it?” but it also means “I love you.”

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