This Wretched Heart

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‘I’ll shine for you, it’s what I’ll do.’

'Rocky Took A Lover' by Bell X1


The smell of Peter’s aftershave greeted her as she came in the front door.He had put on more than usual and she was reminded of when they were going out first. Eventually she had confessed to him that she preferred a more subtle approach to cologne. It hit her that tonight he wasn’t out to impress her.He had helped himself to quite a number of beers before his outing, clearly he was nervous and excited. Opening the fridge she was relieved he hadn’t found the white wine. Not bothering to turn on the lights in the sitting room,,he cradled her glass and looked out onto the street lights. The smell of rotting pumpkins was coming from the bin and she was overcome with panic. What had she done? Sam was probably never going to call her again and now her husband was out kissing some other woman. She had told him he could go all the way because in a way she hoped he would get it all out of the way.

‘ There would be no going back on that Lara’ He had reminded her of what was at stake.

‘ It’s ok I am one hundred per-cent certain I can deal with it ’ Despite,knowing this was making it even more strange , she had asked him to keep her updated. She didn’t want to keep wondering all night what he was up to. She would prefer to have her eyes open.

‘ But you’ll be with Sam, won’t that be strange?’

‘ No please let’s keep each other updated’. This reminded her that she had forgotten her part of the bargain. Knowing he would be a little thrown she text him to let him know she was home and that Sam was thinking it over.

‘ Do you want me to come home ?’

‘ No really there is no need , enjoy your night’ A strange thing to say given the circumstances.

‘ R U ok ??’

‘ Totally. Relieved to have gotten it out of way. Just let me know if you will be home’. She wanted to ring him to ask what he was doing to ask him to come home but she wouldn’t back down.

‘ Love you so much’.

‘ Love u too xxx’.

Her stomach was clenched in knots and she tried to relax, tried not to think about Peter but focus on Sam. She had been a so naive to think that he would actually fall into bed with her that night. Even though she had joked with Peter that Sam would be scared off she hadn’t really believed he would. She couldn’t help but feel a little like a Mrs Robinson who had taken revealed too much of herself. Now she was sitting alone in the dark and it felt like nothing had changed.

She thought about all the films where people walked away from each other. The long winding road the gap becoming bigger, knowing they would never see each other again. She wasn’t like that. She would always run down the road for that last hug. She wouldn’t let Peter get on the boat or the plane. She had never been able to let go of their relationship and now here she was letting him walk the proverbial dust road until he was no more than a sad speck in the distant.

Her phone beeped then. It was probably him telling her he wouldn’t be home. She braced herself as she unlocked the screen.

It was Sam. ‘ Come back... please’. Bolts of electricity flew down her arms. She felt both elated and terrified.

‘ Be there in a bit’ she replied. Running upstairs she re-applied her makeup and perfume and changed her underwear again. Catching sight of herself in the mirror, she debated changing out of her running clothes but decided against it. She stuffed her toothbrush and other bits into her bag. She text Peter telling him she was heading back but received no reply. Running back down the stairs she closed the door behind her and ran into the night. Managing to flag down a taxi, she sat nervously in the back as the driver tried to make conversation. Normally she would have been more forthcoming but tonight she was being monosyllabic. To her relief he stopped trying and she was able to anticipate what Sam would say. She had to remind herself not to get too excited and that maybe he was confirming his disgust at this whole potential arrangement. Would he be that cruel though ? To ask her all the way back at this hour just to let her down? She hoped not but life had certainly taught her that anything is possible.

The lights were now on in the main house and she snuck past quickly praying that she wouldn’t run into his parents. She felt like a teenager again, ill at ease and nervous. He must have heard her footsteps on the gravel because the door opened before she knocked. Breathless she stepped into the hall and they stood for moments staring at each other.

She was drooling which was something she always did in her sleep but never had it caused her to wake up in an embarrassed panic before, well not for a very long time at least . The weight of Sam’s arm on her chest was both comforting and claustrophobic. She lay there for a few minutes gathering her thoughts and emotions which were as scattered as her clothing in his bedroom. Feeling hot and sticky she wondered would it be strange if she grabbed a shower before he woke up.

They hadn’t done much talking last night. Standing in the hall she had wanted to ask him how he felt , to explain again that she knew how strange this all was and how she would understand if he never wanted to see her again but looking at him she knew she didn’t have to say a thing. He had taken her hand and kissed her palm so tenderly she had started to cry. It was as if all the stress of the last few months had gathered in the crevices of her fingers and were now being caressed away by lips so familiar and so alien , it became too much for her to take in.

‘ Lara, Lara I’m sorry I’m sorry I sent you away. I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I was just scared ’.

His tongue found hers and he was so gentle and tentative it was as if he feared he would scare her away if he let his full passion out. She had to remind herself that he knew she hadn’t kissed anyone else in a very very long time. Taking his head in her hands she pulled him closer and kissed him fiercely telling him with her tongue and lips that she was not as delicate as he might think. His hands slipped up under her T-Shirt and stroked her sides, stopping just under her bras then moved to her back. They stood for what seemed like a very long time just kissing with Sam’s hands stroking her back and sides until she thought her hips might dislocate just to wrap her legs around him. She could feel he was hard through his jeans and it was so tantalising knowing that soon she would be feeling him against her naked skin. There was no going back now. She wanted more than anything to have him inside her, to be as close to him as her mind had always felt. She reached behind her and unhooked the clasp of her black lace bras allowing Sam’s hands finally, to hold her breasts. They were both gasping now and she was glad when he lifted her in his arms and brought her to his bedroom. She clung to his neck afraid that this was all a dream and she would wake up, still in limbo on her couch at home. She wondered for a moment what Peter was doing but it was just a moment because Sam had lain her on the bed and was lying above her looking into her eyes.

‘Are you sure you want to do this ?’ He looked as if the words were cutting his mouth on the way out. ‘ I mean you won’t regret it ?’

She didn’t really know how she would feel after they had slept with each other but she knew that there was no way she wasn’t going to find out.

‘I want this’. She pulled his face to hers ‘ I want you’.

Lying now in the aftermath, she blushed as she remembered how uninhibited she had been. She hadn’t cringed when he pulled down her pants and underwear. She hadn’t even stopped him from going down on her. She felt herself get turned on again as she remembered the image of his head between her legs and the delicious warmth of his tongue, ticklish at first as he got to know her most intimate folds, then almost unbearably pleasurable. She had stopped him because she didn’t want to climax that way.

‘ It’s ok I want you to’. He didn’t understand that she wanted her first orgasm with him to be from the inside out. Instead of telling him she unbuttoned his jeans reaching her hand through the front of his boxers, grabbing the smooth shaft of his erection and moving her hand up and down slowly at first then with more urgency.

‘ Oh God Lara that’s so good’ they were both kneeling facing each other , touching and stroking each other. She didn’t know whether it had been all the fantasizing or that perhaps sex with anyone was basically the same, but there was no sense of awkwardness between them. It was as though the barriers that had always been there between them were magically erased by being in such physical proximity. All the things she had wanted to say to him since she met him, all the uncertain flirtations became meaningless as there was now no question about how they felt about each other. She hadn’t felt this turned on in years and she knew she should feel guilty but she didn’t. She had expected this. This was how it had been with Peter at the beginning. This all encompassing arousal. This was why people cheated she realized now. No matter how hard you tried, you could not recreate the passion you felt when discovering someone’s body for the first time. You couldn’t after years of being together erase the intimate knowledge of each other and make it ‘fresh’. Peter knew her pleasure points inside out and that had its own advantages but this was completely new and exhilarating. So when Sam unwrapped the condom from its foil and pushed her back gently onto the bed, she felt like a virgin again. Straddling her, he licked her clitoris gently again then holding the base of his cock he plunged inside her. Not moving for a few moments they smiled at each other. Then as he began to move rhythmically inside her, his smile changed to one of concentration and he buried his head in her shoulder, she could feel him breathing her in and she wrapped her arms around him and her legs and let her mind shut off for a while and her body take over. She could feel it in her clitoris at first and then as he pumped her insides felt it too. She moved against him, feeling the sweat of his flat stomach against her.

‘ Will I get on top?’ He seemed surprised by her question then grinned eagerly. Without realizing it she was recreating her sexual pattern. She never came in the missionary position with Peter. Climbing over him she became all too aware of her nudity and impulsively she pulled the duvet up around her hips. Sam began to knead her breasts and any shyness was rubbed away. She allowed his cock to slide back in and this time she felt it everywhere. She moved her hips and closed her eyes as moved his hands from her breasts to her hips and then as moved more quickly he began to squeeze her bottom. This did the trick and everything went blank as all her pleasure became focused where they joined and she sat back and allowed the waves of her climax wash over her and Sam as he joined her in her finish. She had flopped down on him while he was still in her and he had kissed her forehead and stroked her back as she zoned in and out of exhausted slumber. Pulling himself out gently she became as she always did, aware that condoms were flimsy and she couldn’t help but check to see it was all in tact.

Sam must have been thinking the same thing ‘ It’s ok, it’s all in there’. He grinned and she marveled at how boyish he could look. Suddenly she wanted to jump on his bed and dance around hysterically. Had this really happened? Was Sam actually holding up a condom full of his come in front of her? She grabbed him back unto the bed and nestled into his side, the sad little bag of semen left lying on the floor. She hadn’t wanted to say anything because she didn’t want to spoil it by over talking and she sensed he was the same. Instead they had both fallen asleep and now as she watched him sleep it was all beginning to sink in. She looked at the alarm beside his bed and saw it was only seven but she felt like a teenager who had been out all night without permission. She recalled with horror that she hadn’t even had the decency to text Peter and let him know she would be out all night. She was about to have a panic attack and jump out of bed when Sam stirred beside her.

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