Hey pass me the-pass the ball arghhh"one of the kids scream."Over here,over h-e-r-e,pass the damn ball will you"another one barks stopping to stare daggers at the kid with the ball.
I laugh running towards the one holding the volleyball and suddenly I remember this place as I had spent most of my childhood here,the colours,flowers,the people,everything was just the same.
I just stand there stunned as I stare at a younger version of me run pass me and go running towards a group of girls playing ampe--my childhood friends I thought to myself,Oh how I miss them.Walking over to them I grin from ear to ear as I watch them play with such innocence and happiness.
I stop right in front of the little me and right when I attempt to speak she turns around and run,also turning around I squint my eyes to see where she's headed---the washroom.
That's when it hits me I've been here before,all of this I've lived it before.12 years ago.
I start running towards her and yell out here name trying to prevent her from the danger I knew was awaiting her"Serwaa,hold on,WAIT FOR ME"I scream angrily as she disappears right through the pantry door
I run right down the stairs and follow her through the pantry door.I come to a stand still when I spot her right against the wall with him standing right over her
She stands silently cry and shivering like a bucket of cold water has been poured all over her and then it's happening all over again .
He forcefully touches her breasts while trying to push his tongue down her throat,violating the body of an 8 year old girl,yes he's hurting her again.
I stand rooted to the ground looking as everything plays out in front of me unable to bear her screams or the pain I can feel vibrate through her body I close shaking my head vigorously,trying to rid me of my own pain.
Closing my eyes I try to get my feet to move towards them edging every bone in my body to move
Finally taking a step towards them I place my other feet infront of the other and raise my hands to reach for her but everything goes black all of a sudden.
Breathing heavily I look around my surroundings trying to figure out where I am
"Hey wait,wait no,listen to me"I head towards where the voices are coming from and stumble upon a door left a jar I enter the room,and then that feeling of Deja Vu hits me again,that was me a few months ago the day the man who was supposed to be my saviour and guardian angel ruined me for life......
I painfully open my eyes with all my strength as I hear someone sobbing uncontrollably,I pull myself up to sit up on my bed and I suddenly feel tears roll down my cheeks,realising that I must have been the one crying due to the horrible nightmare I just had,I bring my legs up to my chest and as I rest my head on my knees I wrap my arms around my legs and keep rocking back and forth playing back the scenes of this particular nightmare in my head over and over again while fighting to stop fresh tears from spilling from my eyes and keep my racing heart under control.
Nightmares are really nothing new to me as I have been having them almost all of my life-twelve years of it to be exact but the dread I felt everytime I had one never subsided or went away or even made it easier to deal with
And this particular horror was one I could never be ready to leave with no matter how many times I tried to and having the misfortune to relieve it even if it was just a dream scares the shit out of me.He was gone and physically couldn't hurt me but that didn't mean the mental and emotional terrors went away either it was hard and very scary it was like hell.
As if trying to hide my scars and painful secrets from everyone and anyone has been a piece of cake
It could never be easy but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do so I always suck it up and hold my head up high...........
Last night,I try to shake off what happened last night,that scoundrel,my heart beating twice as fast than it usually does,my knife coming into contact with his flesh,his painful groans and me running for my life.I continued rocking myself back and forth on my bed scared shitless,I needed someone to talk to but who?Should I call Jnr?,No he hated me now with great passion.
I walk out of bed an hour later heading towards my window,I stand and watch the sunrise till the morning sun finally comes out
I hear a knock at the door as I stand by the window.
"Who is it"I yell closing my window,I walk to stand by my bedside and stare at the face of our house help Victoria
"Hey won't you go to work today its almost 9am"
"No"I whisper and fall on my bed with a thud
"Are you alright"she inquires
"You sure?"she asks again
"Okay"she says and walk out of the room
I walk up to the door contemplating whether or not to go out into our quarters or not since I spent the night at one of the guest rooms.
I knew my parents wouldn't bother me because they were aware of the fact that whenever I came into these parts of the house that I was having an "episode".They never really bothered though to inquire what such "episodes" entailed all they thought was I was having an off day of some kind.
I felt neglected by them most of the time but I never once dared say it out loud or show it in anyway and knowing that they never tried to dig more into what was going on with me bothered me a lot more than anything they've done to hurt me knowingly or unknowingly.I know somehow they are denial,they refuse to believe that something might me wrong me mentally because hell in Africa there's no such thing as mental health disorders right?
I decide against it as these thoughts run through my mind and head back to bed.
I lay down and pull my bed covers over my head,and soon enough the darkness welcomes me.