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You're the choice I don't want to make. Not anymore.

By Shainne Hostalero All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Romance

You. Me. And all the gray areas.

Gray areas.That’s what we had.

All of a sudden, I’ve become hopeful in life. I was grateful to the universe that you came along, but disappointed that you came only to shatter me back to pieces I believed I was done acing.

In the last three years, I’m not in any way thinking about relationships anymore and I never did commit again. Then you came and vouched for me to open my heart once again. I was hesitant but then I gave in believing that somehow I deserve this. I was happy that finally somebody took the courage and bravery to take on the lead and get me out of my old life setup - not that I’m not happy, but at least somebody was willing to make me happier, or so I thought. Somebody made me realize that, in a way, I needed somebody. All of those, I thought, were for the better. They were. In all fairness. But something was strange. I didn’t ask nor I annoy for something I knew the answers to - what are we; who are we; and, what are we for each other. We don’t state the obvious, do we? So I let it, believing that if it’s making you happy, don’t overthink, might just as well enjoy it.

It was smooth. Not even an argument gotten in the way. Not even a tiny bit destroyed something wonderful, or so we thought; or so I thought? Not until one night that I have asked you what these were all about. What were we? Who were we? What did we become? I saw it in your eyes. I saw it in your whole face. From that moment, I already knew. You didn’t even have to say a single word. I already knew. Shots have been fired. All the unuttered words and all your spoken ones went through deep in my chest. I felt like I was fighting for my breath, for my life, for the moment you were slipping away. Few minutes have passed and again, I knew, it was already another heartbreak.

It hurt so much. So much worse than I thought. But though it was way too painful, I didn’t regret asking. I didn’t regret hearing the truth. Because I knew in myself that I needed and wanted it - the truth; for it’s the only thing that will set us both free. That will set me free most specifically.

After that night, I didn’t know where I’m headed next.

I don’t ever think someone will ever get used to being heartbroken. Well, at least, not me. No one will ever get used to being shattered into pieces. Including you.

I woke up the morning wanting and wishing to have not woken up at all. I felt it again. The feeling I was dreading to ever feel again was again poking me, scratching my temples, and suffocating me. I couldn’t barely move. I felt that part of me crumbled down leaving me, once again, breathless.

Weren’t we too old for gray areas? Did you leave me because you don’t want to be the one who was left? I felt like that my intelligence have been insulted when you told me that ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’ We both know the reason why you were doing what you were doing. We both know the reason why you were leaving. We both know that. I was so insulted that my intelligence was somehow being questioned because you were sugar coating things for me; that somehow you were getting the message across to me that I won’t get it. That well in fact, I get it. I know things, even the ones you didn’t tell me. Even the ones, you, kept just within yourself.

Now, I’m not in any way running after you because I’ve already given you all the cards. I’m not in any way compromising more than I should because I already did it since day one when I made the choice to let you into my life. I have chosen you everyday of my life since then. I have chosen to open up myself more. But today, I’m trying not to choose you anymore. Tomorrow, I shall not choose you and be firm about it. The day after tomorrow, I shall not in any way come across to thinking to choose and pull you back and further on with it, and the day after that, then the next, and the next, until it fades.

We live in the world where most of the time we’re not sure where we are really heading next. If you think that I have my life all figured-out, I say you are wrong. I, too, don’t have my life together just yet, and I’m not rushing to, still. But what I just know is that I have my whole life ahead of me and I should just make choices. Things you can’t do for me. Things you can’t do with me.

It doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong for now - because wherever and whatever it takes, I know for sure will help me to make all the stories unfold. I have to make a choice to experience, to feel, to learn, and to finally know things I don’t initially know. Our choices will lead us to good and bad things that no matter what, it’s fine. As much as I wanted to fix and save you, I can’t and I won’t. For we can’t fix people, we can only love them; and that was what I just did. I have loved you, as much as I could, in my own little way - even without anything in return. Even if it was half-baked. Even if it was none at all.

I can’t control your emotions, your thoughts, your choices, and your reactions. I can’t control you, I won’t, and never in a million lifetimes I would try. I can’t tell you what to feel nor feed you words. I can’t let you choose me now, not forever, especially if from the start I already know that you don’t have any intentions in doing so. I can’t do that. I can’t let it. I can’t be enough for you; I can only be enough for myself. I can only be enough in my own little angle, in my own little avenue. I can only be enough for you if you see and accept me as enough.

In this life of uncertainty and cowardness, I beg to differ. Or I try to. I’m going against the current, no matter how hard it is, nonetheless. I’m firm about it.

So, everyday from this day on, I will have to choose. And, I choose not to choose you.

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