News Of The World
13:13: Max and I are sat on a green steel bench on the side of the park, just by the foundations of the Pavilion. Max moved on from his third reading of the story and is now staring in awe at the sheer nakedness of Nicole, 21, from Leicester. “My God what I couldn’t do with her with some syrup, a Danger Mouse toy, twelve leather belts, and the Pulp Fiction soundtrack!”
“What the fuck did he say?” I’m on the phone to Emma. I’m not happy, far from it. She’s even further away.
“That stupid cock-chugging underweight convict fucker hasn’t called me back. The tosser’s not talking, that’s the problem. I’ve been trying to get to him since seven this morning, the fucker!”
Gobby loud-mouth DJ Dan Shears is getting the chop from Siren Radio after 3 years, we can exclusively reveal.
Shagaholic Shears, who has been battered by complaints from listeners over his “childish and puerile behaviour”, will make way for a new line-up as the station tries to remarket itself.
A source at Siren’s headquarters on Leicester Sq. said: “They were planning on breaking the news gently by convincing Dan it was his idea to leave”.
Award-winning Dan, 29, from Bournemouth, recently made headlines for dumping Page 3 stunner Suzy Ryder, 24, and a string of previous and subsequent illicit affairs – one of them infamously captured on tape.
The award winning star now regularly draws more than seven million listeners, but has often hit trouble with ill-judged comments — including a “gag” this year about Australia still being a convict prison.
A station source said: “He’s been involved in big controversies.
“Patience was beginning to run out.”
Last night a Siren spokesman insisted: “We’ve no plans to remove Dan from drive-time. He hosts a highly successful show, and we hope he will continue to do so.”
But when asked how long the irreverent Dan would stay at the station, the spokesman refused to comment.
And our highly-placed source said: “The early plans to introduce a new generation of stars to the station are now under way.
“Dan has absolutely no idea about the moves behind the scenes, but listener favourite Mikey Beihr has been made aware.”
“I thought you knew!” Emma screams down the phone. “I tried calling you at least five times and it went straight to voicemail. Plus I sent you a message earlier, you said you knew!”
“I thought you were talking about something else!” It’s weird, but all I can think about in these few minutes isn’t the show, or the career, but Suzy. Maybe it’s being reminded of ‘dumping’ the stunner like a modern day John Leslie. Or maybe it was something she’d said: ‘These careers don’t last forever. We have a shelf life. We’ll need something to fall back on.’ At the time I took it as a cue to fall back on the sofa and carry on fucking like rabbits.
“Look, I’ve spoken to everyone here. Mikey’s adamant he knows nothing about it, and he’s said that right to my face.”
That’s a good sign, Emma always knows when someone’s bullshitting her.
“In fact he feels pretty shit about the whole thing. Marcus hasn’t heard anything. No one has a fuckin’ clue where this is coming from dude!” She’s really pissed off. Wouldn’t want to be her fella right now!
“Any chance they made it up? They’ve done it before.”
“I know, but if Darth fuckin’ Dipshit ain’t talkin’ then what are we supposed to think?”
I spend the next five minutes trying to calm her down, which is hard enough when you’re actually with her, but over the phone it’s almost impossible. She’s taken it really personally and someone is going to pay. I say I’ll make some calls from here and call her in an hour.
“What’s going on?” Max asks, peeling his gaze away from Nicole, 21, from Leicester’s 2-D breasts.
I say I don’t have the first clue. I say I need to find an internet cafe and start making some enquiries.
“Shit don’t need to do that chap. Lets go to the office, you can make all the calls and emails you like!”
Now it feels like we’re mates again. I’ve missed Max.