Diary of Choices

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Ghost of Boyfriend Past

I drove to Andrew’s house with mixed feelings of hesitation and excitement. At different points on the road, I had been tempted to turn back and abort the whole mission but I wasno coward. I needed this. I needed closure. I needed to know.
On entering the house, I was welcomed by a lot of maids. As I entered the hallway, Andrew was on his way down the stairs. He stopped in his track and took a long look at me as I was standing at the foot of the stairways His eyes conveyed his appreciation of my appearance. I dressed very simply; I wore a sky blue long mono strap gown and a multicoloured platform sandals. He continued his descent down the stairs but he held my gaze. I couldn’t look away and neither could he, it was like an invisible force that neither party could explain. When he was at the foot of the stairs, he surveyed my whole figure from head to toes, smiled broadly, took my hand in his. I held him hiss in some air as his hands touched mine. It really felt like the air was heavily charged. I did not know what the evening held but it definitely started off electrifying. He led me to the dining table; Surprisingly, he acted like a complete gentleman and helped me sit down on the chair opposite the one he obviously was going to sit in. Andrew could be a gentleman when he wanted to be and he could also be your worst nightmare at his convenience. When we were younger, some people nicknamed him Lucifer. He could be your knight in shinning armor or your tormentor from the deepest bowels of hell.

“You look ravishingly beautiful tonight. For a minute, I thought you would not show up but you proved me wrong once more”
“When did I prove you wrong before?” I chose to ignore his compliments altogether. I had a plan and I intended to follow through with it.
“How could you forget? It was when we were young.”
“And somehow you expect me to remember what happened those many years ago. The only thing about our childhood that I remember is that you left me to go abroad and you never for once looked back so now can we drop the topic about our sour childhood affair” Bullseye. If he thought he was going to get off easy, he was sorely mistaken. I had no intention to letting his betrayal slide.

“I know that I hurt you and I’m sorry, I really wish things were different.”
“Well, it turns out that, not all wishes come true. Like the popular saying goes; if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.”

“Katherine, I want to ask you a question and I would love it if you could give me an honest answer. How have you been?”
“Lonely. What about you?” I said after a heavy sign and a few minutes of bringing my emotions under control, I realised I had buried a lot of emotions, a lot of things that I was supposed to allow myself feel after Andrew left but I refused to be a weak love-struck school girl
“Most lonely, I’ve missed you Katherine, I’ve really missed you every day of my life”
“I really doubt that. Anyway, it was a long time ago, we were young and foolish and we didn’t know what we were doing.”

“Kat, you should not talk like that. We were young but I know what I felt for you. It is the way I still feel for you and I know that it is real love. I know that I hurt you. When I left then I thought I didn’t have a choice but now I know that I did but I decided to ignore it because I didn’t see it as a choice then, but now I know I messed up but I want to make things right, I want to right my wrongs” he tried to touch me from across the table since it was a relatively small table but I didn’t want physical contact with him so I moved my hands out of his reach. I wanted an honest conversation and answers, nothing more. That was the primary reason for accepting to this date.

“It is complicated and you know it. It would only leave us with heartaches; we have always chosen two different paths. We are now two different individuals with different dreams for the future. There is honestly no point in even having such conversations seeing as they will yield no practically favourable reward for both parties. There is no reason for you to even be interested in talking about these things now?”
“If we have love, everything else does not matter; it would all sort itself out. Katherine, I really love you so much, I love you so much it hurts when you reject me.”
“Andrew, you have to stop this foolish behaviour. This is getting out of hands and you simply wouldn’t want to understand. Love is never enough, love has never been enough. Allow me to state the facts, love looks like it is more than enough at first but then after a while we realise that it was overrated. We always want more. We will always need more. That is where the problem always lies. Right now, I realize that coming to this dinner was a really big mistake” I was about to stand up when he held my hand firmly.

“Katherine, we are not others, we are unique, it would be enough for us, it was enough, I was just being selfish, that’s the problem, me, my selfishness. Please give me a chance to prove you wrong. Give me the privilege of making things right”

“This dinner was a mistake, we shouldn’t have bothered, why did I even agreed to this? Silly me. I was stupid enough to think I wil have a honest conversation with you and get answers. There is no love between us, that emotion is just history” I snatched my hand from his and stood up. He got up to block my exit.

“Katherine, what is wrong with you? Why do you refuse to acknowledge what you feel in your heart? You call yourself a truthful person but you lie! You lie to yourself! You lie to me! You lie to the world! I know you love me; I just don’t understand why you deny it. Acknowledge it. Please, I love you very much. I can’t live without you” he was already shouting at me
This definitely was my cue to leave so I turned back and picked up my purse

“I find that very hard to believe, all these years, all this while before we met again, you were living on your own, without me, and you didn’t die, did you? Have a great day. Thanks for the meal”

“But, Katherine. You have not even eaten anything” he spoke in a broken voice that almost pierced my heart but I resolved to ignore it.

“I have suddenly lost my appetite. Excuse me, I have to go now and don’t you dare call me back”

I was beyond upset, who did he think he was? He thought he could leave me like yesterday’s news and waltz back into my life and tell me what I should do, what I should feel and how I should feel, I would never allow him or anyone make such decisions for me or push me to make any decision, I would do whatever I intend to do on my own terms at my own time, not because someone somewhere thought that it was what was best for me.
What effrontery! I did not even want the answers anymore! He could take his answers and stuff them down his throat. I knew for a fact that if he did not see me at his party, he would not be saying all these folktale. Such a Jerk!
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