Marie
From as long as I could remember It was Always hard for us, Watching My dad beat On My Mother As If she was A sword an He was the rock, acting as If The more he beat her... then Maybe she would be perfect in the image he wanted. He was a pig, smelled disgusting and I can gag just thinking About it. Its crazy how I remember the bad times as if they all took place Yesterday, I remember how bad My mother use to cry holding me in her arms before that One faithful Night, an they would argue for days at a time about him touching me when he was Drunk, but she couldn't get away... he would find us no matter where we went, I can vaguely remember one night when shes took us to a hotel room, lord knows where; since I was Really young, an somehow he just popped up demanding her back home.
I feel like thats the moment it got worst.
An I don't think Neither one of my Parents knew or understood how bad everything had gotten… Or it makes me feel better to at least think they didn't realize.
Bad Got worst an The Christmas right Before My 11th birthday my father Killed my Mother Right in front of me, raping me afterwards. It was horrific, to feel such a dead brain person on top of you at such a young age not even realizing what was Happening, just knowing it wasn't Ok an I wanted my Mom.
Somehow before my Mother was fully gone she had manage to get my father off of me for the second time. I than quickly ran over to A Phone calling the police praying they could save my mom, Unfortunately I was to late though, he was choking her to death an When I Made my way back trying to claw him Off of her he just pushed me back yelling at me to shut up. The look in my Mothers eyes as she cried looking over to me I couldn't help but try an Run over to him one more time slapping an punching him all over the place.
My mom looked over to me a breathed escaping as she Forced out an 'I Love You' her Chest started to slow down a lot more. My fathers grip tighten an you could hear a snap. I honestly couldn't tell if it was her neck or the police busting Inside the house door with there guns up. One officer slammed Him Off my mother... but I already seen the coldness in her eyes as they were partly rolled to the back of her head.
Ive been broke mentally from the beginning of my life. My first foster home wasn't any better either. I could remember after my first day getting there , my guardian was a bit off, She would ask us to hang out with her but then complain about Us laughing loud or talking, maybe even get on the phone purposely an ask us to get out her room... it was always something, it didnt matter.
At the same time we, me an the other kids there, just figured She's Bi Polar so We had no choice but to deal with her manic Episodes, not like The DSS system would have cared anyways... all the social workers were slack an Didn't know how to handle most situations once they got into them, It was sad Really.
Going Back to the Guardian, things would only get worst if she didnt have weed or a cigarette... immediately she would take it out on us.
All of a sudden we were "dirty pigs", "sons of bitches", "assholes", whatever she could think of was thrown at us just because she would be mad at an Outside source. It would be a different Boyfriend most of the time.
Geez, Every time a man Stepped into her life it was like she forgot all about us. She would fall into this Teenage love sick child who worshipped over their man every second. Wouldnt buy the other kids an I shit but bought the men she was sleeping with new pairs of shoes just because she was getting To have sex with them. I stayed for about six months before I got adopted finally into A Nice Family who already had an Adoptive son, we never really got along, but thats another story.
They took me in an Offered me so Much, treated me as there own up until the day they left to Travel the world leaving My Adoptive brother an I a black card in their name an The keys to the house, for our breaks when we come home form collage. I go to HSCU, been going there for years now But I had An issue with A Previous roommate over - matter fact... all my room mates over the way I dressed. Literally.
They didn't like my platform boots or my tutus, my ripped stockings or the occasional wig Change with a splash of color. They couldn't handle the confidence I gained in myself over the years, just truly being comfortable with me; not even understanding how hard it was for me to pick myself up Everyday, sometimes back then I wouldn't even try.
Back to Back, I got my room switched this semester so I was Kinda Nerved about that. I mean I Know Im 23 But I never was able to make friends because My dad traumatized me into not doing it as a kid, so I didn't learn how to as an Adult- social anxiety on ten.
"... I can Remember Everything." I say Answering my Therapist question. My eyes were sealed shut as I took a deep breath relaxing in to the Leather seat.
"Continue." She Sooth.
" we had moved into a new neighborhood. It was amazing how Somehow my mother knew how to make friends wherever we went so she had a couple of people over; they were all just talking saying how they were about to go out an have a good time.
My Father instantly says he wants to but My Mom knew what that Meant, I feel like before we moved they had some sorta agreement that he would stop everything he was doing, drug wise- by this point my mom still doesn't know he's molesting me because I was to shook up to ever say anything, scared even if you wanna say. But anyways he starts complaining about how, he wished she would just get off his back that he was a Grown man, they talked about it back an fourth for awhile when he offered her to come with them an go have fun for once she refused at first Saying there was no one to watch me When A teenage boy we had just met offered to watch me while they went.
Now I just knew I had to have stepped into a parallel universe when I heard My Mom agree because even by this age
I knew my Mother knew it was wrong to let a Guy watch me because most of the time I would hear her repeatedly say "I would never let a strange man Watch My daughter." How hypocritical of her." I paused taking a deep breath.
"It was weird from the second he walked in to the house, his poster was off an the was he smiled was creepy as fuck. But she still let him stay... just so she could have fun with my abusive father who she thought was trying to change but Was lying to her the whole time. That night He took My Virginity.
"Do You Blame Your mother for What Happened to you Marie?" Ms.Garner asked biting the end of her glasses.
"To an certain extent I have to! Shes My Mother. She was supposed to protect me. But instead she enabled him… Up until the point he Raped me that night."
"Do you forgive Her?"
Pausing I let a tear fall from my eye.
"I dont know." I answered honestly. "But I know I Love her so Much." I mumbled.
"I get That Marie An Thats only Natural To feel! Hold on to that Love... I would have to say before your mother passed away she must of had a hard life also. An You never even got to learn about that person- I empathize with You Marie An Im Happy Our relationship has finally progressed this far After years of me Speaking an Bonding with you This - This Is Progress Marie."
I smiled at My Therapist shrugging My Shoulder. "You're the only one I got Now Ms.Garner." Both of us laughed.
The intercom going off broke both of us from our session.
"Dr. Garner Your wife is on Line 2, says its an emergency." Dr.Garner sighed giving me a Torn look.
"Were gunna have to continue this next week Ms.Barns." She stood up pulling me into a hug. I gave her a Hug Back understanding since I knew what they were going through, Ms.Garner wanted a Baby an They have been trying with her wife for a while but complications kept happening.
"Be safe." She waved me off.
Walking out of her office I started my way to the elevator my head hung looking for my odd shaped glasses in my purse.
Stepping into the sunlight I put them On walking over to my Car heading to the house so I could finish packing.
Listening to music I took in a deep breath letting the wind from the window rush into past my face smiling, today Felt good Honestly, I felt like Someone In the 'good time' video by Owl city.
Pulling up the the house I got out walking in making sure to lock the door behind me. I walked up to my room seeing the two bags I already had packed looking at the rest of the stuff I left in my huge walk in closet.
Hearing the front door open an close I assumed it was My Adoptive brother so I kept putting my stuff away listening to mu music.
I actually like living on campus versus staying here at the house. It was huge an Empty an I hated being alone, but - I didn't like to be bothered either.
After an hour or so of me cleaning out my closet I walked downstairs into the kitchen.
Seeing my adopted brother Leaving with the rest if his stuff.
"The dorms are open again?" I asked walking over to the kitchen.
"Nah I'm leaving, fuck this house..." he looked up one last time slamming the door behind him. "An Fuck these Rich ass White People."
Confused I just shook My Head doing what I came to an making me something to eat.
'What the fuck was that all about?" I asked to myself. 'This why I don't claim his weird ass now.' I laughed out Loud clapping my hands.
After eating I went back Up to my room Just laying in my bed now going to take a nap.
After waking back Up I Looked on Facebook for something to get into tonight seeing there was going to be a Little Get together at some rich kids house- whatever I needed to get Drunk. Getting Up going to take a shower I washed with my favorite sent enjoying it's aroma. Once I got out I lotiond up putting My outfit on. I wore A simple open back crop top, with hightop shorts an Platform sandals.
Grabbing my car keys I walked out the door to my car, then driving off down the road since I already knew Where I was Going, this kid throws 'Raves' Pretty Often.
I pulled up satisfied with the loud party scene, just ready to enjoy myself.
Getting out my car I walked in bopping my head to the music, finding the alcohol Immediately. I stood by the bar for a good Thirty minutes just boping my head to the music listening to the crowds talk an Blending in.
"Marie You Made it!" The host saw me as he came into the kitchen.
"I told you on facebook I was!" I slapped his should laughing.
"I hear you girl! Well enjoy let me get back to hosting!" He smiled walking away.
I smiled back as he did feeling a bit Loopy myself.
As I danced in a corner I couldn't help but listen in on a Conversations Some females were having About an Guy from around the neighborhood, he was what others would call "a gang member " Fade; I Just see it as him doing what he has to do. He works with some other fine lil men from around the way too Name Gio, Ken an Derrek, they all literally are well known in the streets just for being real with everyone. Also Not to long ago, Someone they be working with Had got weed Legalized in our town all because he Got Caught trafficking but Fought the case with data of How weed wasnt A drug but a 'cure' An somehow convinced the fucking Governor to Reverse the laws on Weed. So Weed Wasn't an Issue Now A days, no more arrests go on for that petty shit anymore, Now a days People are getting arrested for Serious drugs an crimes like Crack essentially. Dudes looked up to Fade an his Crew... like If he said Open up A barber shop here because it was More convenient from him to get to, someone would call someone that would Open up a shop exactly where he asked, all because he moved Big Pounds Of weed.
He was Cool in my Eyes, But yet I knew deep down, just like everyone else that type of living style never got anyone to far. It was crazy too because selling weed with out You being under the name of Fade an his crew in our side of town... You have to "leave out of the city" tuh, I think they just kill they asses but ... but again I presume that would be too hypocritical.
Its weird how he is sorta like the John Gotti of our Town Everyone loved him or was feared by him an respected him.
"-oh My god Bitch Is You even Listening to anything Im saying?"one friend -we'll call her Frenchie yelled to the Other- lets say 'amanda'. I think I actually recognize these girls from like middle school.
"Bitch Kick my leg again we gon' fight you got pointed fucking heels on!" Amanda laughed drunk rubbing her leg.
"Girl My Bad but My tookie Just text me said they Found Then Boy over on East Side Dead! Im telling girl its getting crazier out her!" Frenchie talked with her hands laughing like a drunk person would. . "An Get this They trying to say Fade did it! " Frenchie teared up slapping her knee.
I shook My head from just a few feet beside them grabbing myself another drink.
"They try an Pin everything On that fine ass man! Leave my baby Alone Please!" She huffed joining Frenchie in her laugher.
For a second their heads snapped my way an I looked forwards sipping on my drink casually as they looked away continuing to talk.
"Thats fucking Disgusting though seriously-." Frenchie started to say. "if they are just pinning it on him again. I mean We get it ! In high school this man definitely got suspected doing some crazy shit- but how we gunna believe a random kid who moved away a few months later over Fade? Even though he was never talkative Does that really give us a reason to like- blame him?" Frenchie said shrugging.
"For real!" Amanda agreed. "I barley even see that Boy out an around town!"
"To be Honest! Thats how I Know Peo- oh Know Look-."
"Whats Upp Yall!" A third girl now joined in the huddle, bouncing her juggs all in the girls faces an shit.
"Hey Girl!" Both Frenchie an Amanda said at the same time but you could tell they fakin.
"I heard what yall talking bout - I just came to say girl you need to back up you know thats My man!" The girl laughed playfully.
"Uh uh! Don't even play with me like that!" Amanda yelled laughing both of them slapping hands getting the joke obviously.
I watch them all talk about Fade some More until I was drunk enough to go out an enjoy the party alone... like I always did.
I feel like thats the moment it got worst.
An I don't think Neither one of my Parents knew or understood how bad everything had gotten… Or it makes me feel better to at least think they didn't realize.
Bad Got worst an The Christmas right Before My 11th birthday my father Killed my Mother Right in front of me, raping me afterwards. It was horrific, to feel such a dead brain person on top of you at such a young age not even realizing what was Happening, just knowing it wasn't Ok an I wanted my Mom.
Somehow before my Mother was fully gone she had manage to get my father off of me for the second time. I than quickly ran over to A Phone calling the police praying they could save my mom, Unfortunately I was to late though, he was choking her to death an When I Made my way back trying to claw him Off of her he just pushed me back yelling at me to shut up. The look in my Mothers eyes as she cried looking over to me I couldn't help but try an Run over to him one more time slapping an punching him all over the place.
My mom looked over to me a breathed escaping as she Forced out an 'I Love You' her Chest started to slow down a lot more. My fathers grip tighten an you could hear a snap. I honestly couldn't tell if it was her neck or the police busting Inside the house door with there guns up. One officer slammed Him Off my mother... but I already seen the coldness in her eyes as they were partly rolled to the back of her head.
Ive been broke mentally from the beginning of my life. My first foster home wasn't any better either. I could remember after my first day getting there , my guardian was a bit off, She would ask us to hang out with her but then complain about Us laughing loud or talking, maybe even get on the phone purposely an ask us to get out her room... it was always something, it didnt matter.
At the same time we, me an the other kids there, just figured She's Bi Polar so We had no choice but to deal with her manic Episodes, not like The DSS system would have cared anyways... all the social workers were slack an Didn't know how to handle most situations once they got into them, It was sad Really.
Going Back to the Guardian, things would only get worst if she didnt have weed or a cigarette... immediately she would take it out on us.
All of a sudden we were "dirty pigs", "sons of bitches", "assholes", whatever she could think of was thrown at us just because she would be mad at an Outside source. It would be a different Boyfriend most of the time.
Geez, Every time a man Stepped into her life it was like she forgot all about us. She would fall into this Teenage love sick child who worshipped over their man every second. Wouldnt buy the other kids an I shit but bought the men she was sleeping with new pairs of shoes just because she was getting To have sex with them. I stayed for about six months before I got adopted finally into A Nice Family who already had an Adoptive son, we never really got along, but thats another story.
They took me in an Offered me so Much, treated me as there own up until the day they left to Travel the world leaving My Adoptive brother an I a black card in their name an The keys to the house, for our breaks when we come home form collage. I go to HSCU, been going there for years now But I had An issue with A Previous roommate over - matter fact... all my room mates over the way I dressed. Literally.
They didn't like my platform boots or my tutus, my ripped stockings or the occasional wig Change with a splash of color. They couldn't handle the confidence I gained in myself over the years, just truly being comfortable with me; not even understanding how hard it was for me to pick myself up Everyday, sometimes back then I wouldn't even try.
Back to Back, I got my room switched this semester so I was Kinda Nerved about that. I mean I Know Im 23 But I never was able to make friends because My dad traumatized me into not doing it as a kid, so I didn't learn how to as an Adult- social anxiety on ten.
"... I can Remember Everything." I say Answering my Therapist question. My eyes were sealed shut as I took a deep breath relaxing in to the Leather seat.
"Continue." She Sooth.
" we had moved into a new neighborhood. It was amazing how Somehow my mother knew how to make friends wherever we went so she had a couple of people over; they were all just talking saying how they were about to go out an have a good time.
My Father instantly says he wants to but My Mom knew what that Meant, I feel like before we moved they had some sorta agreement that he would stop everything he was doing, drug wise- by this point my mom still doesn't know he's molesting me because I was to shook up to ever say anything, scared even if you wanna say. But anyways he starts complaining about how, he wished she would just get off his back that he was a Grown man, they talked about it back an fourth for awhile when he offered her to come with them an go have fun for once she refused at first Saying there was no one to watch me When A teenage boy we had just met offered to watch me while they went.
Now I just knew I had to have stepped into a parallel universe when I heard My Mom agree because even by this age
I knew my Mother knew it was wrong to let a Guy watch me because most of the time I would hear her repeatedly say "I would never let a strange man Watch My daughter." How hypocritical of her." I paused taking a deep breath.
"It was weird from the second he walked in to the house, his poster was off an the was he smiled was creepy as fuck. But she still let him stay... just so she could have fun with my abusive father who she thought was trying to change but Was lying to her the whole time. That night He took My Virginity.
"Do You Blame Your mother for What Happened to you Marie?" Ms.Garner asked biting the end of her glasses.
"To an certain extent I have to! Shes My Mother. She was supposed to protect me. But instead she enabled him… Up until the point he Raped me that night."
"Do you forgive Her?"
Pausing I let a tear fall from my eye.
"I dont know." I answered honestly. "But I know I Love her so Much." I mumbled.
"I get That Marie An Thats only Natural To feel! Hold on to that Love... I would have to say before your mother passed away she must of had a hard life also. An You never even got to learn about that person- I empathize with You Marie An Im Happy Our relationship has finally progressed this far After years of me Speaking an Bonding with you This - This Is Progress Marie."
I smiled at My Therapist shrugging My Shoulder. "You're the only one I got Now Ms.Garner." Both of us laughed.
The intercom going off broke both of us from our session.
"Dr. Garner Your wife is on Line 2, says its an emergency." Dr.Garner sighed giving me a Torn look.
"Were gunna have to continue this next week Ms.Barns." She stood up pulling me into a hug. I gave her a Hug Back understanding since I knew what they were going through, Ms.Garner wanted a Baby an They have been trying with her wife for a while but complications kept happening.
"Be safe." She waved me off.
Walking out of her office I started my way to the elevator my head hung looking for my odd shaped glasses in my purse.
Stepping into the sunlight I put them On walking over to my Car heading to the house so I could finish packing.
Listening to music I took in a deep breath letting the wind from the window rush into past my face smiling, today Felt good Honestly, I felt like Someone In the 'good time' video by Owl city.
Pulling up the the house I got out walking in making sure to lock the door behind me. I walked up to my room seeing the two bags I already had packed looking at the rest of the stuff I left in my huge walk in closet.
Hearing the front door open an close I assumed it was My Adoptive brother so I kept putting my stuff away listening to mu music.
I actually like living on campus versus staying here at the house. It was huge an Empty an I hated being alone, but - I didn't like to be bothered either.
After an hour or so of me cleaning out my closet I walked downstairs into the kitchen.
Seeing my adopted brother Leaving with the rest if his stuff.
"The dorms are open again?" I asked walking over to the kitchen.
"Nah I'm leaving, fuck this house..." he looked up one last time slamming the door behind him. "An Fuck these Rich ass White People."
Confused I just shook My Head doing what I came to an making me something to eat.
'What the fuck was that all about?" I asked to myself. 'This why I don't claim his weird ass now.' I laughed out Loud clapping my hands.
After eating I went back Up to my room Just laying in my bed now going to take a nap.
After waking back Up I Looked on Facebook for something to get into tonight seeing there was going to be a Little Get together at some rich kids house- whatever I needed to get Drunk. Getting Up going to take a shower I washed with my favorite sent enjoying it's aroma. Once I got out I lotiond up putting My outfit on. I wore A simple open back crop top, with hightop shorts an Platform sandals.
Grabbing my car keys I walked out the door to my car, then driving off down the road since I already knew Where I was Going, this kid throws 'Raves' Pretty Often.
I pulled up satisfied with the loud party scene, just ready to enjoy myself.
Getting out my car I walked in bopping my head to the music, finding the alcohol Immediately. I stood by the bar for a good Thirty minutes just boping my head to the music listening to the crowds talk an Blending in.
"Marie You Made it!" The host saw me as he came into the kitchen.
"I told you on facebook I was!" I slapped his should laughing.
"I hear you girl! Well enjoy let me get back to hosting!" He smiled walking away.
I smiled back as he did feeling a bit Loopy myself.
As I danced in a corner I couldn't help but listen in on a Conversations Some females were having About an Guy from around the neighborhood, he was what others would call "a gang member " Fade; I Just see it as him doing what he has to do. He works with some other fine lil men from around the way too Name Gio, Ken an Derrek, they all literally are well known in the streets just for being real with everyone. Also Not to long ago, Someone they be working with Had got weed Legalized in our town all because he Got Caught trafficking but Fought the case with data of How weed wasnt A drug but a 'cure' An somehow convinced the fucking Governor to Reverse the laws on Weed. So Weed Wasn't an Issue Now A days, no more arrests go on for that petty shit anymore, Now a days People are getting arrested for Serious drugs an crimes like Crack essentially. Dudes looked up to Fade an his Crew... like If he said Open up A barber shop here because it was More convenient from him to get to, someone would call someone that would Open up a shop exactly where he asked, all because he moved Big Pounds Of weed.
He was Cool in my Eyes, But yet I knew deep down, just like everyone else that type of living style never got anyone to far. It was crazy too because selling weed with out You being under the name of Fade an his crew in our side of town... You have to "leave out of the city" tuh, I think they just kill they asses but ... but again I presume that would be too hypocritical.
Its weird how he is sorta like the John Gotti of our Town Everyone loved him or was feared by him an respected him.
"-oh My god Bitch Is You even Listening to anything Im saying?"one friend -we'll call her Frenchie yelled to the Other- lets say 'amanda'. I think I actually recognize these girls from like middle school.
"Bitch Kick my leg again we gon' fight you got pointed fucking heels on!" Amanda laughed drunk rubbing her leg.
"Girl My Bad but My tookie Just text me said they Found Then Boy over on East Side Dead! Im telling girl its getting crazier out her!" Frenchie talked with her hands laughing like a drunk person would. . "An Get this They trying to say Fade did it! " Frenchie teared up slapping her knee.
I shook My head from just a few feet beside them grabbing myself another drink.
"They try an Pin everything On that fine ass man! Leave my baby Alone Please!" She huffed joining Frenchie in her laugher.
For a second their heads snapped my way an I looked forwards sipping on my drink casually as they looked away continuing to talk.
"Thats fucking Disgusting though seriously-." Frenchie started to say. "if they are just pinning it on him again. I mean We get it ! In high school this man definitely got suspected doing some crazy shit- but how we gunna believe a random kid who moved away a few months later over Fade? Even though he was never talkative Does that really give us a reason to like- blame him?" Frenchie said shrugging.
"For real!" Amanda agreed. "I barley even see that Boy out an around town!"
"To be Honest! Thats how I Know Peo- oh Know Look-."
"Whats Upp Yall!" A third girl now joined in the huddle, bouncing her juggs all in the girls faces an shit.
"Hey Girl!" Both Frenchie an Amanda said at the same time but you could tell they fakin.
"I heard what yall talking bout - I just came to say girl you need to back up you know thats My man!" The girl laughed playfully.
"Uh uh! Don't even play with me like that!" Amanda yelled laughing both of them slapping hands getting the joke obviously.
I watch them all talk about Fade some More until I was drunk enough to go out an enjoy the party alone... like I always did.
