I let my gaze drop as I couldn’t bear to stare at my reflection in the mirror anymore.
I put my toothbrush back to its place. I applied makeup and extended my lashes with mascara. I even tried a gentle lip gloss. I brushed my hair and twisting it into side braid, I let it hang over my left shoulder.
But it didn’t help me at all.
I didn’t manage to hide the paleness of my face or the black circles under my eyes that pointed out at how little I´d slept again. I didn’t manage to fill the emptiness in my gaze. I didn’t manage to bring the brightness in my irises back to life.
I still looked like a living corpse.
For the thousandth time in the last week, I wished it would stop. That everything would return to normal. But no, since the night I actually couldn’t recall anything about, my nightmare kept haunting me. Since the night, my demon and I made peace, there was nothing as before.
I don’t deny it, that thought crossed my mind.
I wanted to text him immediately after the ugly dream woke me in the middle of the night for the first time. I wanted to beg him to come, to calm me down just as he´d done it when I´d had bad dreams back in December. The urge almost overwhelmed me; I already grabbed my phone only to put it back on my bedside table.
I couldn’t have done it.
More than my nightmare, I was scared that my demon would blame himself for it. That he would regret sharing his secrets with me. I appreciated that, I appreciated so much that he finally let me closer to him. I didn’t want to risk he would never open up to me again.
Under no circumstances.
I spent all Monday morning biting my nails, I was pretty nervous as the last class was slowly approaching. The English class which we still shared together. I couldn’t wait to see him. I just couldn’t wait even a second longer until I see him again. I didn’t get it; I didn’t get myself at all. But yes, suddenly there was an unbearable urge growing inside me and I needed him here. I needed him around me, I needed him close to me. I simply needed him.
And I needed to know if anything changed.
Yes, it was my demon who entered the classroom. I knew it, my heart itself told me as it suddenly pounded with a completely different rhythm. He conjured up one of his beautiful smiles when he approached his seat, asking me how I was, whether everything was okey.
But that was all.
He sat down at his desk as usual. He was sitting a short distance from me, hell, he was sitting just one narrow aisle away from me. Kyle wasn’t there to keep him from talking to me and yet, he pulled a book out of his backpack and read. Nothing more, he didn’t say anything else to me. And I understood. Only then did I understand what he meant by peace.
And it was better this way.
He stopped haunting me, he stopped chasing me. He didn’t tease or provoke me anymore. He wasn’t waiting for me when the school bell announced the end of classes. He didn’t make jealous scenes when I talked to Colin. There was no Starbucks coffee waiting for me the next day. There were no texts from him.
And it was probably better this way.
I had my time, I had my space to think, to let all those contradictory feeling settle down and figure out what I wanted. Because he really wasn’t there to make me furious, to make cry, to tear me apart even more than he´d already done. I wasn’t scared anymore to bump into him at school because even when I did, he just smiled. And that was it.
And I kept reminding me that it was better this way.
As the days went by, I seemed to see him less and less. More than once, I realized that walking through school corridors, I was actually looking for him. That I was capable of walking through the whole building just to spot him somewhere. But no. Suddenly, my demon was nowhere to be found.
And every morning as I was looking at my reflection in bathroom´s mirror, I needed to convince myself again and again that it was better this way.
But it wasn’t.
I tried to put myself together, to clean up the mess which the tornado he´d started in my life, had caused. To convince myself that staying away from him was a good decision. That if we were supposed to find the way to be together someday, we should take it slowly at the first place. That I needed to find myself, the way I used to be before I met Eric Lestrad. However, even though I knew that this rational part of my brain was right, it didn’t stop my heart from craving his presence. And that stupid beating thing under my ribs had a damn huge power over me.
Those dreams didn’t stop.
I woke up every night, sweaty with my hand on my chest. As if I wanted to protect my heart. In vain. Because my demon had stolen it from me anyway. Or I gave it to him voluntarily. And now, without him and without the pounding thing, I was slowly but surely dying.
I didn’t come up with anything new, anything I wouldn’t have already known. He could be whatever he wanted, it could be completely different world he came from, I loved him. And even the time we had spent apart didn’t change anything about it.
I was quite clear about what he meant to me.
However, I wasn’t sure what I meant to him anymore.
Because he begged me not to take the opportunity to keep conquering me from him. He wanted me not to condemn him. Nonetheless, he didn’t make me laugh, there was no tender in his eyes when I happened to meet him. He didn’t capture me in his gaze, there was no emotions there. And I myself didn’t know whether I was happy about it or whether I wished he would return to driving me crazy. But he didn’t seem to care anymore.
Me, on the other side…
As the time passed, I was falling for him more and more. I missed him, I missed him desperately much. And I didn’t get it either. He broke my heart; we were apart in December just like in January as well. Back then I had more vigorous reasons to feel bad, to cry for him. And yet, this time, it was different. This time we didn’t even break up and I missed him thousand times more than I´d missed him before.
I could spend more time with my uncle, I could try to be a better friend to Jessica. I could enjoy moments with my friends, I could keep calling Joel in attempt to think about something else. I could study, I could read, I could go for a run. Still, I couldn’t get him out of my mind and those days without him simply didn’t make sense.
I did miss him unbearably.
I could swear it wasn’t the same since the Valentine´s night. And I just desperately wished to figure out what was different. Whether he changed his mind. Whether he realized that I eventually didn’t belong into his world after all. Whether he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. Whether he forgot about me.
However, I didn’t forget his words.
He said that he didn’t want to lose me, but it was my decision to make. That he would wait until the day I figure out what I want. And I did. I realized that I didn’t want to be without him either. I simply understood that everything I ever truly wanted was him.
I attempted to talk to him.
I attempted to ask whether he still meant those words. I attempted to tell him that I needed him back in my life. I hurried to catch up with him when I saw him heading to the parking lot on Friday after school. Even though I had no idea how to start, even though I was pretty nervous about facing him again, I just couldn’t back down. I needed him to know how I felt about him. I needed him to make his decision too. I needed to know how he felt about me. I needed something, anything that would stop this torture.
But then I saw her as well.
Sophie, his ex-girlfriend, she was already waiting for him at his car. And I immediately stopped, happy that he still didn’t notice me. It was quite clear to me how he hesitated. Nonetheless, he approached her eventually. I was sure he pulled himself back, not allowing her to kiss him on his cheek, yet he opened the car door for her, and they left together.
I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, I swear I didn’t. He said that she meant nothing to him, and I believed him. But I thought they were seeing each other only at full Moon and now I learned how naive I was. Because she also was waiting for him on Monday.
And I really didn’t know whether I can put up with it. Whether I would ever be able to get over that at all.
The end of February was approaching, the spring was slowly taking over the nature. The days were getting longer, the birds started to sing, the sun became stronger. And I felt as the life was leaving me.
He didn’t search for me anymore, we became strangers. But he took a part of me with him, I felt as if I wasn’t complete. As if I was fading.
I tried, I tried so hard, yet nothing made sense to me. Nothing at all. As if I was falling apart and there was just a feeling of utter emptiness and stupor left. I lost the will to wake up, to get out of the bed, to survive the day. And what was the worst of it all, I couldn’t bring myself to eat at least a little.
Since the Valentine´s day, there were something wrong with me.
I could see that every morning as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom´s mirror. And then I let my gaze drop because I couldn’t bear to keep looking at myself.
I put my toothbrush back to its place as usual. I applied makeup and extended my lashes with mascara as usual. I put on a gentle lip gloss as usual. As usual, I brushed my hair and twisting it into side braid, I let it hang over my left shoulder.
But it never helped me.
I couldn’t manage to hide the paleness of my face or the black circles under my eyes that pointed out at how little I slept again. I couldn’t manage to fill the emptiness in my gaze. I couldn’t manage to bring the brightness in my irises back to life.
I became a living corpse.