3. Dual Personalities
Silhouettes on the edge
Gonna keep dancing
We felt it from the start
We knew that something wasn't right
Frequencies are crossing
But our feelings don't collide anymore
It took a lot of time for me to remove the black circles around my eyes which has become huge due to not cleaning kohl last night. I quickly took Vaseline on some cotton balls and wiped the blackness around my eyes.
Thank God, none was awake when I came back secretly. Usually my brother stays awake in night. But yesterday he slept too soon. Maybe he was just too excited for tomorrow.
Surely I calmed a lot after last night. I smiled remembering last night's memory. But soon a thought crushed me. Oh. No! I. Did. It. Again. How'll I answer Hannah now! What'll I answer her? It seems like I've to see her again.
My mother's voice brought me back from my thoughts, "Sweetie, come soon. You know your father won't like it if he didn't found all of us in breakfast."
"Yes, Mom. Coming," I answered. Let's think about it later. Time to be Mary again. Welcome to an another boring day of my life.
After finishing my morning routine, I threw my dress lazily and I headed towards kitchen.
"Good Morning! Little Sis," my brother mumbled underneath his breath as he dragged his feet towards the dining area. He was wearing his baggy red muscle tank, with white basketball shorts. His brown hair is pointing is all short of directions, as his eyes were barely even open.
"Good Morning, Ray," I responded, laughing as I sat on a chair to the dining table. "You're going to school looking like that?"
"It's college, Mary," he started. "None cares how you look."
"But won't Yale kick you out if you go there dress like that?" He nodded and shrugged in agreement. My brother got accepted in Yale. So he'll leave for New York the day after tomorrow. My father wanted to shift us to New York so that Ray won't have to stay far. But Ray refused that idea because of me. My school is here and in a year I'll leave for college. So there's no point to shift.
And trust me a huge war broke out between them because of this. My father cared about his son most. And his son cared about me, his sister most. So you can imagine what happened. But in the end dad gave in because he loved Ray. But arguments flew everyday here.
My mother came in with some dishes of eggs, toasts, hams and orange juice. Ray and I smiled at the breakfast and quickly started eating. My mother is an awesome cook.
My father who joined us some time ago asked Ray, "Are you excited for tomorrow Ray?"
"Yeah," he answered simply.
They talked normally for a while but things got back to the same topic again which is basically arguing I guess. I held my head down. When my father's mood is bad I've to become silent as if I'm not there. Otherwise things would turn pretty bad. He would lash out on me or Mom.
After half an hour which seemed to half an year to me, the breakfast thing ended. It's pretty normal in our house. After a while we all will pretend that nothing happened.
Ray asked me to come outside so that he could leave me to Serena's and go to his farewell party which his friends threw for him. Serena Elomes is my best friend. You'll know about her soon. And I'm telling you you'll complain why you wanted to know about her. She's just a chatterbox.
Anyway when I got outside my brother was ready with his BMW. My parents aren't well off. We belong to a middle class family. Our dad works really hard to earn money. Still he gave him a BMW. But they don't give me a car like him cause my dad thinks I'm an irresponsible girl. I'm jealous with the car. My brother looked at me with sympathy. The thing that I hated most. SYMPATHY. I repeat.
"Are you sure you're okay?? "
"Yes, I'm Ray. What made you think that I'm not okay? "
"You're wearing the same dress for three days. "
I looked at me. He is right. I don't think about my outfit. I don't really put effort on outfits. I didn't even put attention on my outfit. Maybe it's because I'm going to Serena's. Or maybe I'm just too tired to do anything.
"I.. I.." I thought for a reply but couldn't think one right now.
"It's been nearly two year, Mary. Why can't you move on?" He asked.
"SHUT UP, Ray! I don't wanna talk about it," I replied.
"Why don't you try for a bit?"
"Everybody is not a player like you," I replied sarcastically.
My brother is two years older than me and he's much popular much better than me. He's a player but no he isn't that pathetic as you think badboys are. Otherwise my dear mother will murder him. He just loves to be a heartbreaker.
"Yeah.. yeah. Not everyone has the ability," he smirked.
"SHUT UP, Ray," I said. He doesn't know after my last breakup how many boyfriends I had and how I dealt with those trashes. I again remembered last night. And smiled again. Being Mariya make me forget all my pains and stress..
But when I checked the new message on my phone my smile was gone. I've got a message from my psychiatrist, Hannah.
The message was simple:
"You've an appointment today. Come soon. Don't you dare to refuse! I heard everything from Serena. I'll be not here for a long time so come right now! It's an order!"
Ahh! Just what I feared. She probably knows everything. Serena! This little.. What should I do? I've to go and meet her now.
I sighed. Now again I've to explain all of this to her. I told Ray, "Ray, please turn the car and drop me at Hannah's place."
Ray was surprised, "Why? Aren't you going to Serena's?"
"Yes, but first I need to go to Hannah's place. She has something important to do with me," I explained.
"I don't understand how you put up with that old woman. I know she helped you once in your assignment. But isn't she making you work every week to help her? She's so scary," Ray complained.
I laughed, "That's because I'm not a jerk like you who tries to flirt with every woman he got to see. If you didn't flirt with her she wouldn't have kicked you."
Ray got angry, "Who's flirting with her? She's so old. Why'll I date an auntie who's nearly 35? I've standard you know. But I'm telling you that woman is crazy. While dealing with psychiatric people she had lost her rationality. Otherwise who would kick such a handsome man like me just because I called her darling."
"Narcissist," I scoffed. He pouted and I brust into laughter.
I sat in my therapist's office in downtown her apartment, and seriously contemplated my relationship with her.
"You've did this again, Mary! I didn't expect this from you. I forbid you to not become Mariya again. But you didn't listen," Hannah sighed.
"You said you could help me but it isn't working out," I reminded her while watching the tree beside window.
"Mary, we've talked about this," Hannah said patiently in her monotone voice. It helped calm restless, agitated patients most days. But it didn't work on me. I looked at the flower tree and started to think about the single sentence: flower flower flower. I really wanna hold a flower and shout flower flower flawer.. hahahaha.
"—Unless you confront the root cause of the problem, your fear of breakup will continue to persist."
"Are you even listening to me?" I returned my attention to her.
I said in a long frustrated breath. "I don't have a fear of love or breakup!"
"Mary, you've been facing du·al per·son·al·i·ty. a mental disturbance in which a person assumes alternately two different identities without either personality being consciously aware of the other."
"I know. You've said this before.. Tell me a solution of this," I suggested. It was evident talking about the problem wasn't working.
Yes, you heard it right! I've been living dual personalities. Mariya and Mary. Two are a part of me and you'll know more about it in future.
"Mary, your trauma is linked to you experience with the incident that brought that relationship in your life. You've to try to confront that incident. It might be the key to help you to move on from your past," Hannah explained as she always does. "It'll help you."
"But I tried it didn't help. You think I feel good to repeat the same things for that obnoxious day which ruined me! I try to control myself a lot not to become Mariya but still I can't help myself not to become her. Mariya helps me overcome pain and stress," I reasoned.
"But it won't do any help. It'll bring more anxiety in your life," she explained. We both got silent. After a couple of minutes she excitedly said, "Wait! You've told me you met Cole through a prank right?"
"Yes, why're you asking about it?" I asked.
"That's it! If you try to overcome that prank incident you may unknott the knott that's been holding you for so long."
"Are you serious? You mean by taking revenge of a prank I can recover?"
"I think this is the way," she said.
"Hannah! Have you really lost your mind? My disease doesn't start by that prank incident," I argued.
"I agree. But if they didn't do that would you end up with Cole?" She asked.
I was silent. She's right. If they didn't do that I wouldn't have met him.
"See? Your subconscious mind blames them for this incident. That's why you can't overcome this. And who knows maybe this will bring something exciting in your life. Maybe love," Hannah said.
I scoffed at that. Love? Me? Impossible. "But what if it didn't work?" I asked.
"Then your trauma didn't begin from here. It had been there a long time ago."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"A history of trauma is a key feature of dissociative identity disorder. About 90% of the cases of DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder ) involve some history of abuse. The trauma often involves severe emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. It might also be linked to accidents, natural disasters, and war," she said.
"What do you wanna say?"
"I meant either your trauma is related to your breakup as you say or it's related to some past incidents that your mind doesn't wanna talk about."
"It's nothing like that!" I rejected it firmly.
"We're just assuming things here, Mary. You don't have to panic. But Mary I'm giving you homework today," she prodded with her notebook.
"Homework? Now what the hell is that?"
"You can't become Mariya for past three months. So you don't have to come to me from now."
"What! You can't be serious! No, no, no! Hannah, no! I can't do that. You know that," I tried to persuade her.
"Yes, you can Mary. From now you'll divert your mind to overcome it only. And I'll not be here for three months so you can't come here."
"Why don't you say you're going on a vacation with your husband that's why I can't come to you now," I hissed angrily.
"Yes, that's also a reason," she blushed. "But uhmm.. uhmm..I'm trying to take a test on you here. Don't ask me what is it about? Cause I won't tell you about it. I'll tell you about it our next encounter."
I shrugged. Going back from where it all began will really help me? Can I be only Mary from then?
A lot of you're thinking that what's so wrong with me living becoming Mariya, right? But that's not the case. The case is living Dual personalities made me lose my mind. I've headache, nauseousness, forgetting memories and a lot of problems. I got mild anxiety attack, unable to control my emotions and lots more..
And yes My family members don't know about my condition. Only my best friend Serena knows about this. And she's the one who found Hannah for me.
"Mary, don't stress yourself thinking about it. I'm only restricting you to make focus on recovering only. It's clear," Hannah smiled and held the door for me.
"I see. Fine, I'll try once more as you said," I gave her a curt nod as I brushed past her in the service elevator to the dark SUV waiting at the entrance.
"That's the spirit. See you after three months," Hannah smiled waving me from her apartment.
Yeah. Maybe trying to confront from where it all really began will help me, who knows? I sighed. I called Ray. It's time to go to Serena's.