Ecstasy (LGBTQIA+)

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[Ecstasy] Ecstasia: Chapter 2 - I Know You're Scared It's Wrong (Belle)

“I know you’re scared it’s wrong,

Like you might make a mistake”

- Demi Lovato ‘Give Your Heart A Break’

Belle’s POV

The loud school bell rang, and I made to pack my bags as fast as I could. Ecstacy was in this class too, and she had been sneaking glances at me throughout the class. As much as I secretly liked it, I told myself I wouldn’t repeat that day’s mistake. I couldn’t even concentrate at work. Mrs Lax noticed it immediately, and yelled at me later, threatening to cut my salary if I didn’t stop being so distracted while serving people. I’d almost spilt the coffee on one of the regular customers at the cafe and although I apologised profusely, the guy had walked off with a haughty look on his face. I then swore I would stop thinking about Ecstasy at all times, especially at work. But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the almost kiss.

And couldn’t stop drawing comparisons between her and me.

She was popular. I wasn’t.

She was beautiful. I wasn’t.

She was intelligent. I wasn’t.

She was rich. I wasn’t.

I didn’t think I would ever be. I won’t be enough for her. Sadness flowered in my heart, a dark oppressive presence.

And later... Later... She would get bored.

And that was what I was most afraid of.

Belle, stupid girl! I mentally yelled at myself. Do you actually think she’s going to give you the time of day? No! She isn’t! Get over yourself! Fawning over someone and spending all your conscious moments thinking about her isn’t going to help you one bit! Now stop it, and get over yourself. You have a lot to achieve in life.

I sighed, so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t notice a human wall in front of me.

“Ouch!” A very familiar female voice whelped as I went crashing to the floor with all of my books. “Are you okay, Belle?”

No, I wanted to say. Not at all. I’m stuck thinking about you every single minute of every single hour of every single day, every day, and you don’t even know.

But I didn’t. I pick myself up from the floor, and without looking at Ecstacy, picked up all of my scattered books.

“I’m sorry,” I apologised. Allowing myself just to look at her shoulder as I made to pass by, I moved, but Ecstasy blocked my way again. “Stop,” she said. While almost all the student filed out of the classroom. It was almost lunchtime.

“Move, Ecstasy,” I said wearily. I was tired of thinking of her all day long. Especially when I knew I couldn’t be with her. I tried to nudge past her, again with no success. I snuck a look at her and froze.

She looked livid.

She was glaring at me, hissing spurts of air emitting from her mouth. I was pinned under her gaze like a deer in headlights, confused and a little scared. I squeaked, “What?”

“What?” Ecstasy repeated in disbelief. “Is that really what you’re asking me? ‘What’?”

“U-um uhh yes,” I stammer. “Yes, I am.”

Ecstasy stared at me in disbelief. “Seriously, Belle? Seriously? I try hunting you down for two days to talk to you and all you do is avoid me! I should be asking you ‘what’!” She stared me down, her amber eyes disapproving. “I didn’t expect this of you, Belle.”

I stood there, incredulous.

I didn’t expect this of you.

I was confused about whether to feel angry or just plain stumped.

Didn’t expect what of me?

That I wouldn’t avoid any interaction with her after... what happened?

That I wouldn’t be like a loyal puppy and follow her everywhere, begging for a kiss?

What the hell was she even talking about?

Screw it. I was done torturing myself thinking about her all day.

I wasted no time gawking. I voiced all my thoughts in a volley of questions.

“Oh yeah? Didn’t expect what of me? What do you know about me, apart from my name? What did you mean that day? With that almost kiss?” I couldn’t stop. Ecstasy’s eyes widened, clearly not expecting this response. “Why did you do it? To hurt me? To spite me? To show losers like me what we couldn’t have?”

Ecstasy swallowed, shock clear in her beautiful face, and rasped, “I wouldn’t...”

“Wouldn’t? Wouldn’t what Ecstasy? You wouldn’t what? Wouldn’t want me sad? Wouldn’t want me hung up on you? Wouldn’t want me to feel betrayed somehow?” I was panting, my rage getting the best of me. “You knew, didn’t you? You knew I liked you! You knew I trusted people easily! But you still did it! You took advantage of it and tried kissing me! You knew the consequences! And now I can’t stop thinking about you! Thinking about those amber eyes, the way you laugh, and most of all, your beautiful pink lips!” I laughed madly, almost in hysterics. Ecstasy was white as a sheet. “Oh no! Of course, you wouldn’t. Wouldn’t want a loser, a nerd to think that way about you, would you? Of course not. It would affect your perfect reputation, as a perfect, perfect girl, with perfect, perfect friends and a perfect, perfect family, living a perfect, perfect lifestyle.”

“Is that what you think?” Ecstasy found it in herself to speak once again after I was done. “Is it what you really think Belle? That I have a ‘perfect, perfect’ life?” She drew air quotes around the words, her voice half incredulous, half something unreadable. “Well, I may not know you Belle, but it’s clear that you don’t know me at all! So stop judging me, because newsflash: my name might be Ecstasy but I’m far from happy! You don’t anything about what you’re talking about, so keep your mouth shut!” Ecstasy’s voice rose an octave. “Stop being so darn righteous and prejudiced! Ugh! How did I ever like you!”

Her face cracked to reveal something bitter, an expression I had never seen on her face. It broke something in me: my chest started hurting, and I felt so guilty, so sad and angry at myself for saying all of that. After a minute of silent heaving, Ecstasy abruptly said, “You’re right Belle. You really are a loser.”

Her words were like a painful slap to the face. Eyes widening, I watched her go, moving in the fluid, graceful way she waltzed out of the classroom. As soon as she was gone, my knees buckled and I sank onto the floor, sadness bursting in my heart like a broken dam, tears overpowering me. I did not care if the sound of my sobbing carried to the corridor. I just sat there and cried, only my tears knowing how much I regretted saying that to Ecstasy, and how sad I really was inside.

No one came for me.

********

That night, certainly not for the first time, I had a nightmare. One that truly made me realize how much power I’d given Ecstasy over me.

*********

Whoo! Spooky.

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