I’m waiting for Lola to come over for our movie night. I’m anxious because she’s bringing Tessa and because my mom is involved. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy my mom is trying to get better and is more involved in my life, but I’m not used to her doing things like having a movie night with me and a girl. It feels weird. I am also scared that I won’t be able to handle being around Tessa. I really want to, and I have been working with my counselors on how to cope but I’m still scared.
Kyle and Laura are also joining us. I’m hoping that will help take some of the pressure off. My mom will also have Laura to talk to and Kyle will be there to help if I start freaking out and need to leave.
I often forget how much he’s done for me. I’d probably be dead without him. I should probably thank him. Whenever I am missing or in trouble, he’s the first and last one who comes looking. He’s always there to help no questions asked, until the situation is handled at least. Then he starts acting like he’s my father which always makes me mad in the moment. He’s only 2 years older and knows most of what I’ve been through. Even though he upsets me I still love him, and I don’t know what I’d do without him.
I’ve been meaning to ask Lola her thoughts on telling Kyle more about the family secrets I know. I want to tell him about my real dad and about all the illegal things our dad is involved in. I don’t know if I should, is it my place? Maybe the real dad stuff is, but what will I do if our dad flips.
I’m brought out of my thoughts by the doorbell. I quickly get up and go to the door to hopefully get there before my mom. As I get to the bottom of the stairs I realize that I am too late, I see my mom talking to Lola who is holding a baby’s car seat.
“Cade! Cade! I’m so excited to watch Cars! Do you tink we will have time to watch Cars 2 after?” Tomás says excitedly when he spots me.
“Maybe, we’ll have to see,” I say and then bend down and pick him up. He starts to laugh while I lift him in the air and run towards the movie theatre room.
I set Tomás down and he sees all the treats that we have put out. I see his eyes go wide as he looks around. Lola and my mom walk into the room. I go over and give Lola a kiss on the cheek as I glance into the car seat to see her baby sister. I take some deep breaths and begin to calm myself.
“Loda, can I have all of this?” Tomás says referring to all the snacks.
“You can have some but not all Tomás,” Lola tells him.
“Otay Lota!” Tomás says as he grabs a sour candy and puts it into his mouth.
“Tomás you could put all the things you want to try into this bowl. That way you won’t have to move around the room to get snacks once the movie starts,” my mom says to Tomás. “Lola you can have a seat, I’m going to get Laura and Kyle, and then we can start the movie.”
“Okay, and thanks so much for having us,” Lola says as she moves towards the sectional.
“Anytime dear. You and your siblings are just wonderful.” My mother says and then leaves the room.
I stand by the door and watch Lola. She placed the car seat on the floor and rocks it while making faces at Tessa. I take some more breathes and then I walk over to Lola.
“Let me know if this is too much,” Lola says.
“I’m alright, could I sit by you maybe?” I ask, unsure of how close I can handle being to Tessa.
“Yeah, of course,” Lola replies while moving the blanket beside her. As I sit, I watch Tomás fill his bowl with snacks. I feel Lola take my hand and squeeze. I squeeze back and then turn towards her. She gives me a big smile. I can do this, Tessa wasn’t my sister, she was Lola’s.
I took another big breath and looked at Tessa again. As I looked more closely, I noticed she didn’t look as much like my sister as I first thought. Her skin was darker and her hair a light brown. She had a long face and a small, upturned nose. The more I watched her the easier it got.
I felt Lola rubs circles on my hand while I watched her sister. “The more I look the less she reminds me of her. She’s a different person, she looks different and isn’t her,” I tell Lola.
I hear my mom, Kyle and Laura enter the room. Laura comes over and meets Tessa. I get up and help Tomás with his snacks as Laura holds the baby. As all this is going on Kyle starts to set up the movie while my mom sits beside Lola.
“It’s ready whenever,” Kyle says to all of us.
“I’m ready!” Tomás exclaims, then he grabs my hand and pulls me towards Lola. He sits beside her and pulls on my arm wanting me to sit on his other side. I comply but steal some candy as I do so. I look over and notice my mom is now holding a sleeping Tessa and Kyle and Laura are sat on the other end of the couch.
“Hey, that way mine!” Tomás says to me. I shrug and smile at him.
Kyle starts the movie and I begin to forget about my worries. As the plot advances Tomás moves to the floor and closer to the screen. I put my arm around Lola, and she leans into me. By the end of the movie, I’m having a great time hanging out with all the people I love.
“Cars 2! Cars 2!” Tomás chants as the credits begin.
“I think there’s time, what do you guys think?” My mom asks looking at Lola if it’s alright.
“Sure,” Lola says and then I hear Tomás let out a ‘yes!’
Kyle sets up the next movie and it begins to play. As its starts Lola begins to dose off, I feel her breaths even out. When I look down at her I notice that her eyes are closed. I let her sleep since I knew she was tired.
Around halfway through the movie Tessa started to cry. This wakes Lola. She quickly grabs Tessa from my mom and starts to bounce her up and down. As Lola is figuring out what Tessa needs Kyle paused the movie.
At first, I was okay, then as her cries get louder and harder I began to remember my sister more and more.
“I’m going to run to the washroom,” I said to no one in particular and then leave the room.
I run up to my bedroom. Once inside I collapsed on my bed and started to panic. The memories won’t stop. Her dying was playing over and over. I tried to take deep breaths but the more I did the clearer the memories were.
I didn’t know why to do. I laid on my bed and let my thoughts consume me. I started to shake, cry and come undone. I pushed my face into my pillow and let all the horrible feelings wash over me.
All that did was calm the panic, now I was feeling horrible. I needed the pain to stop. I sat up and looked towards my ensuite. I knew what I could do to take the pain away. Although my counselors told me not to do this, I had no other options. Nothing worked as quickly as cutting.
I went to my ensuite and did the only thing I knew that would quickly take this pain away. I cut myself, three slashes on my left arm. As my thoughts started to calm my emotional pain was masked by the physical pain of my arm. I started to do a fourth cut when I heard the bathroom door open.
“Stop!” I heard Lola yell, but I continued until the cut was complete. I dropped my razor and looked up at her.
I watched as she fell to her knees and started sobbing.