"Hey, what does a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?" Jessica asked with a huge smile on her face.
"I don't know, what?"
"A wet nose!" She starts laughing at her own joke, while I looked around to make sure nobody else overheard.
"You are so weird," I said, but she busted out laughing again.
We are in the waiting room to see my new doctor. I need a refill on my prescription, and I guess I'm due for my yearly, "fun times with Dr. Evil." My old doctor retired, and the visit was scheduled with a new one that replaced him at the same practice, God knows what to expect.
"Only you would get stuck seeing a young, and very hot, gyno!" She laughed.
"Shut up!" I elbowed her; she acted like a teenager. We heard rumors from a friend that was in last week to see the man.
"Nora?" A young medical assistant opened the door and called out my name.
"If he's hot, give him my number," Jessica said as she gave me a smirk and a wink just as I went to stand up. I rolled my eyes, and she scoffed.
"Grandma is more fun than you." She reached for a magazine while she shook her head at me, and I followed the nurse. yep, that’s right, Jessica is my cousin.
"How are you today?" The nurse asked as she led me away from the waiting room.
"Fine, and yourself?"
"It's a beautiful day outside, I'll be glad to go out and enjoy it later this afternoon." She said as I stepped on the scale.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, enough with the small talk. Just say what you're thinking, my day sucks balls because I'm about to show my taco off to a complete stranger.
She moved the little dial things and then measured my weight.
"119 lbs." She muttered, writing it down on her notepad, then she measured my height.
"You're just a tad underweight for your height." She pointed out.
I ignored her as she led me to a room and shut the door. I eat my fair share so I’m not starving myself.
"Are you having any issues, or just here to renew your prescription?" She asked as she took my vitals.
"Just the birth control," I answered, then she reached into a cabinet and grabbed a funky looking gown.
"Is there any possibility of pregnancy?" She asked.
"Hell, no!" I answered with disgust.
She smiled. Yeah, she got me.
Usually, I would just undress from the waist down and they give me some weird paper blanket thing.
"He will want to do a breast exam." She gave me an apologetic smile, yeah, she definitely felt my pain.
"Thank you," I said.
"The doctor will be with you shortly." She said just before she walked out, the door clicking shut behind her.
I took my clothes off and tried to put the gown on, but I was confused. Does the opening go in the front or back? I messed around with the disaster of green cloth in my hand and decided open in the front since he wants to feel me up. God, I hate this!
I climbed up on the paper-covered table and sat there twiddling my thumbs as I looked around at all the weird images of the female anatomy on the walls, then there's a rack with tons of brochures on the wall. From birth control, teenage pregnancy, to HPV, they had it all covered.
I swayed my feet from side to side, as I listened to every noise from outside the door.
I heard footsteps, a man's voice, even doors shutting, and with each noise, I wondered if it's finally him so I can get this game of show and tell on the road.
Finally, there was a tap on the door.
The door opened, and I almost fell off the table. I was shocked to see big blue eyes, blond hair, and a damn hot looking body in blue scrubs entered, causing me to gulp. Doctors are not supposed to look like this man, holy shit. I already knew it wasn't going to go so great. I could feel it in my gut.
He gave me a friendly smile but awkward smile. "Hi, I'm Dr. Stone. It's nice to meet you." He put his hand out to shake mine, and I reluctantly gave it to him. He shook it like we are about to complete some kind of business deal or something.
"I see you are wanting to renew your birth control prescription." He let go and looked down at my file as he walked toward his rolling chair.
"Yeah, I really need it..I mean, not that I really need it, but I... well..." Nothing but word vomit escaped my lips.
"You have a history of ovarian cysts, does this prescription work well for you?" He sat down and looked at me.
"I don't seem to have any problems."
"I see this is a low dose, are you sexually active?" He asked while he lifted a sheet of
paper and read something else in the file.
"Well... Umm... not right now..." Oh God!
"I mean I've had sex, lots of times... umm, not that much, but..."
God, I'm a mess!
He looked amused. "What I want to know is if you also need more protection from pregnancy. This is a low dosage, and I could up the dose for you." He offered.
"Umm..condoms, I use condoms. I mean when it happens..not that it happens much."
Oh my God, why does he have to be so hot?
"Okay, well, we can start the exam. I just have to call Leslie in, just a moment." He said before he walked out the door. So much for friendly conversation, I'm such a dumbass.
Thank God I took extra time grooming this morning, and I even added a little extra body spray around that particular area. They came back in, and the woman told me to lay back, then he put my feet in stirrups while she grabbed the torture devices from the sink.
"I just need you to scoot down a little more." I scooted.
"A little more, please." The paper under me crunched and it annoyed me.
"God, I hope you're not nearsighted." My mouth slipped.
I covered my face at what I just said, and he chuckled. "No worries there, Miss Tate."
He moved some light between my legs, and she started handing him his tools.
"Okay, I need you to relax just a little and take a deep breath, I promise you it won't be that bad." He said, and I snorted.
"I can assure you, the last time a man had his face down there it was much more pleasurable." I snorted, then slapped my hand over my mouth again, of course both the doctor and nurse busted out laughing.
"I didn't mean it like that!" I gasped in shame; what the hell did I mean?
He smiled at me like he wanted to make a joke, but decided against it... "Okay, back to business." He said and his head disappeared.
Suddenly, he sneezed, then sneezed again.
He sneezed again, then lifted his head and was between laughing and sneezing with tears in his eyes.
"What now?" I'm so ashamed.
"It's that smell." He sneezed again.
"What??" I lifted my head in complete horror.
"Perfume or something. " His eyes are watering, and he was fighting between a laugh and a sneeze, while I laid there devastated. "Next time, don't get yourself all fancied up just for me." He winked, then chuckled, and again I gasped in shame. Even the damn nurse is fighting a full-on laugh!
Once again, his head disappeared like I was about to play a game of whack-a-mole.
"This may pinch just a little." He warned, then stuck the typical stainless steel torture device inside me, then sneezed again.
Oh my god...
He messed around with it for just a moment. "Just relax, Miss Tate."
Easy for him to say!
"I think we are past formalities, call me Nora," I said, and he chuckled.
He sneezed again.
Jesus Christ. Why me?
When he pulled that god forsaken thing out of me, I thought it was over, but instead, she squirted more jelly on his fingers and he stood. "Just relax."
He pushed fingers inside of me, then started pushing around on my belly with his other hand. "Are you feeling any discomfort?" He asked as he looked down at me.
Yeah, I'm getting fingered by a totally hot doctor and there's even an innocent bystander in the room.
"Just you staring at me." My hand had a permanent place on my forehead so I could quickly hide my shame if necessary.
He shook his head and once again chuckled at the dumbass laying on the table. He pulled out his fingers then took off his gloves. "The worst part is over." He pulled out another part of the table and laid my legs down flat, then covered me with the small paper sheet.
"Put your arms up behind your head, and I will start the breast exam." He walked up closer to me, and I did as instructed.
"Have you had any discomfort or discharge?"
What the hell kind of problems do people have? He again chuckled, then started feeling me up. At least he kept the gown somewhat closed and he wasn’t staring at them.
He moved to the other side and did the same thing.
"Alright, you can sit up now." He helped me sit up, then took a seat and wrote in my file.
"Ha, one that actually stays after his fun."
The nurse snorted, so I guess I did say that out loud! Ugh!
"You're old school," I said, and he looked at me and tilted his head.
"No computer?" I asked, and he gave a relieved smile.
Oh my god, just shoot me.
"We plan to upgrade." He said.
We finished the visit, and I didn't even bother to stop to make my next appointment. I raced out of that office faster than I've ever moved before in my life! It's not like I'll know where I will be in a year anyway.
"Nora, what happened?" Jessica was laughing as she tried to keep up with me.
"I really need a new doctor." I hopped in the back of my father's car, and she climbed in beside me.
"Take us to Crestview Commons," I said to his driver.
"Did you get properly felt up?" She snickered at me.... again.
"I swear, I'm never going back to that place!" I said.
"Was he as hot as they say?" She eagerly smiled at me.
I sighed. "More." I facepalmed before I told her the whole story, forgetting my father's driver could hear every single word.
She laughed so hard; she had tears pouring from her eyes. "It's the sneezing part.... I just can't..." She gasped for air.
"I don't think this day could get any worse." I groaned.
I really shouldn't give myself that challenge.