Leaving Everything Behind
UGGGGGGGH. Fuck! Five am already! I groan as I get out of bed. I knew I shouldn't have stayed out so late. After eating last night at the diner for the last time with Sarah, I came home and put everything in my car. Now all I need to do is get ready, eat breakfast, and then get on the road to start my new life in LA. I know I'm taking a big risk by just packing up and going, but I can't stay in the town anymore. As I get up and shower and get ready, I smell bacon wafting from the kitchen. After I finish getting ready and get everything I need so I can start driving, I walk into the kitchen and see my mom already waiting at the table for me with her plate in front of her, as well as what I'm assuming is my plate.
"Morning, mom" I slightly smile at her.
"Morning, Ryn" Her eyes have disappointment in them.
I try not to roll my eyes at her. I already know what's coming.
"Is this mine?" I ask stupidly.
She tries her hardest not to sneer. "Of course.''
We start eating in silence. All you can hear is the forks scraping the plate.
"I think you're making a mistake by leaving." Her voice is bitter.
"It's my life and my mistake to make." My tone is bored. We've had this talk plenty of times since I told her I was leaving.
"I don't understand why you would want to go to that city. You could do your music thing here. Or you could go to college and get a REAL job." Every word is dripping with disdain. My sperm donor went to LA after leaving us, so she hates that city as much as she hates music.
I don't say anything to her. I don't want to argue with her before I leave.
She sighs. "What do I need to do to make you realize that you are throwing your life away? I told you that I'd pay for college. You don't need to work until you are graduate. I don't want you to do this." Her voice cracks at the end. She clears her throat to cover it up.
"Mom, this is something that I need to do. Just trust me, please." I plead with her.
She rolls her eyes. "If you leave, you are NOT allowed to come running back when you fail." She scoffs. "You're just like your father." Her eyes are filled with hate.
I mouth wow and nod my head. I don't even bother to finish eating, and I head to my room. I wasn't expecting her to say any of that.
I sit in my room for a while and think about what she said. She hasn't even mentioned my father except when I told her about what I wanted to do with my life. I've never seen that much hatred in her eyes. Yes, I've seen the disappointment but never hatred. I ponder on her words. Even if I failed, I wouldn't want to come back anyway. When I get there, I will have to think of a backup plan just in case. I sigh out loud. I look around my room, and there isn't much here. I never really made it look like a homey room. I didn't paint the walls, and there is still the very light blue paint on the walls from my nursery. I don't have any pictures framed anywhere of friends. I have a dresser that held my keyboard and a desk that I used to do my homework and play the piano. I could only play when my mom was at work. She hated when I played. I had to buy the used keyboard myself with my first check, and I taught myself how to play by using the band piano. I wasn't in the band, but the music teacher let me use the piano when they weren't using it. When I was younger, I use to get so mad at my mom when she would yell at me because I was singing or listening to music. She didn't like to hear a hum. At first, I just thought she was doing it to be a bitch, but then she finally told me about my father, and everything made sense. I quickly learned that we would never get along, and I stopped trying to interact with her after that. I sigh again and realize that it's getting late. I walk through the house and grab my stuff from the table. I don't see my mom, so she must be in her room. She probably isn't going to say goodbye.
As I open the front door, I hear her come down the hall.
"Arryn." Her voice is firm.
I turn to look at her but don't say anything. We stare at each other for a moment, and she speaks again.
"So you're really going?" Her voice cracks just a little that I almost didn't notice.
"yes," my voice is quiet, but I know she heard me. She then shocks the hell out of me and walks up to me, and hugs me. I don't hug her back at first because I am flabbergasted by her action. She hasn't hugged me since I was like 10. I hug her back awkwardly.
She sighs and pulls back. "Be careful, please. Text me when you get there, so I know you made it. I love you." I can see her eyes glisten a little.
"Ok, I love you too." My lip wobbles a bit while I try to hold back my tears and a sob. I wanted her love for so long. I forgot what it felt like for her to care. She nods her head and takes a step back. I take a deep breath and walk out the door.
I get in my car and start the engine. I can see my mom still standing in the doorway. I can see her wiping tears away. I don't let this affect my decision. I enter the directions in my phone and put on my seat belt. The drive is about 15 hours, which is possible to do in one drive if I drink a lot of coffee. Pulling out of the driveway, I take one last look in try rearview, say a silent goodbye to my childhood home, turn on my music, and pray that I'm making the right choice.