I Can Do This
“Finally,” I say out loud as I see the apartment/hotel I’ll be staying in until I can get a job and find a more permanent apartment. I have about ten thousand dollars saved up from working at the diner, so I should be able to survive here a while if I can’t find a job right away. Getting the key to my studio apartment, I look around and see that it’s not the cleanest place to live. The pictures on the internet must be super old because they did not look like this when looking for places to rent. There is also a tiny elevator that sounds like it’s going to break down at any moment. When the doors open for the elevator, I step out as quickly as I can. I look around and locate the stairs because I’ll be using the elevator as little as possible. The hallway to my apartment is narrow and smells like mold. I should stop being cheap and spend a little extra money for a decent place. I shake my head. No, I can’t do that. I need to save as much money as possible. I continue walking, and I finally find my door. As I open the door to my place, I am slightly afraid because this will be the first time I’m on my own in a strange city, a thousand miles away from anyone I know. But, this was my choice, and my mom basically disowned me, so I can’t fail. I need to pull up my big girl panties and get over my fear. Looking around, I notice that it’s not too bad. It just needs to be deep cleaned, and I can start today or possibly tomorrow. Luckily, this place has free wifi to use. I grab my super old laptop, turn it on and set it on the counter. I grab my phone to look up a grocery store to buy some food and cleaning supplies.
“This is gonna be great. I can do this,” I say out loud and brush off all the doubts I have out of my mind. Turning on my music, I grab my suitcase to unpack, but I realize I need to clean before putting my stuff anywhere. I want to get in bed because the drive was exhausting, but I don’t want to sleep while this place is dirty. I internally groan. I need to go to the store and get cleaning supplies and probably some food, so I don’t spend too much money on takeout. I remember that I need to text my mom. I get my phone from my bag.
Me; Hey, mom, I made it.
Mom; OK. Have you started to look for a job? You know it’s not going to be easy to get into an industry with no experience. You probably won’t even find anything.
Ugh! Seriously? I just got here a few hours ago! Why can’t she just let me have this day before trying to remind me that I’m making a mistake?
Me; Tomorrow I’m going out and looking for a job. I need to clean and catch up on sleep today.
Mom; Ok. Just remember what I said about coming home.
I almost throw my phone at the wall when I read her last text. I take a deep breath to calm the hell down and put my phone away without replying to her. I don’t want to lash out, but she makes me so mad when she reminds me of her thoughts. I get my bag to go to the store. The store is only around the corner, so I don’t need to drive and lose my parking spot. We each get one spot for parking, but it looks like other people, who don’t live here, use the parking lot as well. The lot looked really full, and I don’t want to park on the street. I’ll have to remember not to buy a lot of stuff because I’ll be walking and I don’t want to get robbed.
Getting back from the store with a few bags of food and many cleaning supplies, I start to clean everything while my oven-baked pizza is cooking. I remembered that I still had some things in my car that I needed to bring up. I had to make a few trips from my car to bring in my luggage and keyboard. I got an excellent workout from walking up and down the stairs. I took the elevator once, but I got really scared in it again. So, I took the stairs for the remainder of the trips.
After eating a few slices of pizza, I put the rest away to have some for tomorrow. I continue to clean and realize that it’s not too bad. It just needs to be wiped down well and dusted. I change the sheets of the bed and take out the towels and my bathroom supplies. I open the window and light a vanilla candle that I bought to get the smell of stale air out.
I look around and feel better. It took me a couple of hours to clean, and I am so tired. I grab some of my pajamas so I can shower. I let the hot water soothe my muscles. I am in the shower until the water starts to turn cold. There is a tiny tv, so I turn it on to have background noise. I get in bed and grab my laptop. I want to listen to some music, but I decide not to realize it’s almost midnight.
As I stare at the ceiling, I start to imagine my future. Sometimes it makes me sad that I don’t have my mother’s support. I used to blame my father a lot, but I let that go as I got older. I hoped that I could find him, but that changed as I got older as well. Maybe in the future, I can look for him. My eyes well with tears as I realize that I am all alone. I wish my mom were different.
I sigh when I realize that I have been overthinking for more than an hour. I grab my laptop and put on soft music that I can sleep to. After a few moments, I feel myself drifting to sleep and welcome sleep.