Chapter 6 - Indecisive
It’s been a minute now, and I’m still standing in the same spot. I haven’t moved a muscle. My eyes are fixed on the road where the car disappeared. I can’t bring myself to go inside the house and pretend like my day hasn’t been total crap. My brain is at a war with itself. So many emotions and thoughts are coursing through my every brain cell. It feels like I’m having one of those days where I just wanna give up, and forget the world and all the problems. I just want to fell carefree and happy again.
Overall, I am overwhelmed.
What am I suppose to do? I only have three days to make a decision that will change my life completely, and I have no idea what to do. Standing here outside my house, all of today’s information comes crashing to my attention, and the worst one? My grandma lied to me. I have to know why she did it, otherwise, I won’t be able to possibly forgive her.
I put my right hand in my jacket pocket and pull out my phone. I scroll through my contacts and find my grandma’s name. My finger is ready to press the call-button put it doesn’t. I hesitate. What if I don’t really want to know the answer to my questions? What if it makes everything worse? What if I lose my relationship with my grandma? In my mind, I already know that my relationship with my grandma is strained because of the information I received today. But I also know that I have to try to keep our relationship as good as possible. No matter what, she is family.
With that thought, I hit the call button. It rings a few times before she picks up the phone.
“Nathalie sweetie! Happy Birthday! So, how has your day been? Did you celebrate with Kat? Did your mother sing you happy birthday? If not, then I will. Just say the word,” she rambles on. I remind myself that she doesn’t know what happened today.
“Hey, grandma. All of that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that you lied to me when I thought that I could trust you!” I almost shout through the phone. I didn’t realize that I was so angry with her. Normally, I would never raise my voice, and under no circumstance would I raise it directed at my grandma. But I guess things have changed. The betrayal stings my heart. It’s like a hand is enclosed around my heart and is slowly squeezing it more and more until at last it’s crushed.
“Nathalie, what are you talking about? I didn’t lie to you. And don’t raise your voice at me, young lady! I am still your grandma, so you better address me accordingly!” Grandma says with anger. That is the first time she has raised her voice at me, but I guess I should have expected it when I raised my voice at her. I’m still angry with her. She lied to me, and she is completely denying it.
“Didn’t lie to me? So, perhaps it just slipped your mind to mention that you were ones married to a prince and he just so happen to be my grandfather? Oh, and did it also slip your mind to mention that they are now after me? I trusted you to tell me everything, and you lied to me!” I say almost on the brink of tears. I never wanted to be angry with my grandma, and now I just feel betrayed and guilty. Guilty, because I am shouting at my grandma when she has been one of my best friends my whole life. She has always been there for me, no matter what. But also betrayed, because she hid this major thing from me. Something she shouldn’t have hidden from me.
The line goes silent. She doesn’t say a word and I am not going to break the silence.
After about 20 seconds of silence she finally speaks:
“Nathalie, what is going on? How do you know who your grandfather is?” she timidly says.
“Well you see grandma, today was suppose to be a happy day. It’s my 16th birthday and I was supposed to spend it celebrating with my mom and sister. But no. Some strange man stops me in the middle of the street and demands to speak with me. You know how scared I was when I was stopped by a stranger?! Then he tells me that I have a grandfather and that he is the King of Monaco. I got your whole love story. Oh, and then he goes on to tell me that I am the next heir to the throne and that I have to move to Monaco to become a freaking princess! I don’t wanna do that. If you would have just told me, then I would have been prepared for this moment, and I wouldn’t be fainting in the middle of a park because I am overwhelmed. So tell me, grandma, why did you keep this from me?!” I say with small tears coming from my eyes, while still shouting in anger at times.
A sob breaks out from the other end of the line. My grandma is crying. Oh no! What have I done? I never wanted her to cry because of me.
“I’m sorry sweetie. I never wanted that life for you. I kept it all a secret, hoping that I would be able to shield you and your sister from all of this royal nonsense. But I failed!” She is crying even harder now.
“But grandma what do I do? I don’t wanna give up my future and I don’t want to move to Monaco. If I don’t accept then he is going to go ask Selene and then Sofina. If they both decline it’ll be straight back to me, and he said he won’t stop.” By now I am also sobbing through the phone. I have officially lost all hope in my body. I give up. I am lost.
My grandma’s sobbing has stopped, while mine is increasing.
“Nathalie, what is the name of the man you talked to? I might be able to help you,” she says to me with newfound hope in her voice.
“I don’t know grandma. Sir Biason, Billison, something” I answer. My mind is not capable of remembering his name at this point.
“Bisalion? Sir William Bisalion? Is he the one that approached you?” My grandma asks hurriedly like her house is on fire and she needs an answer on how to get out right this second. Her tone of voice can calm me down somewhat so that the tears have stopped and are now frozen in their spot.
“Yes, that’s him,” I say more calmly this time.
“Damn that man!” My grandma hisses under her breath through the phone, but I heard her.
“Grandma do you know him?” I ask.
“Yes, I do Nathalie. Look I will give you a call back later today. I’m going to try and figure out how to get you out of this situation. Just stay calm, and don’t do anything hastily.” My grandma rushes out. And then I hear the line being disconnected.
Did she hang up on me? In the middle of me being confused by everything, she simply hung up on me? Ugh! This did not help at all.
All I got from that conversation was that I can’t do anything right now except worry. Worry for what my grandma is doing. Worry for the decisions I have to make. And worry about my future.
Happy Birthday to me indeed!
“Dinner is ready!” My mom shouted through the house. For the last hour, since Raphael dropped me off, I have been lying face down on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I keep reminding myself that there are a lot of people in the world that don’t even have any food. I do have food. But this situation might be the biggest challenge of my life.
I gather my strength and get up from my bed. I can feel the lines on my face from lying too hard on the pillow. My room is completely dark, probably a result of my depressed mind I scoff to myself. I open my door and step in the kitchen. I go through the hall to the dining room. On the walls are pictures of my sister, mom, and myself. In those photos, we look so happy. The most recent photo is about a year old. I was 15 and my sister was 7. A month after that photo was taken, my sister started to get worse. I still remember the time I walked into her room to get her for dinner and found her lying on her bed covered in blood. Her face was pale and her eyes were closed. She was barely breathing. She had tried to kill herself. I remember screaming for my mom and calling my sisters name while shaking her lifeless body. The ambulance soon came and took her away. She survived, but barely. She had cut into her arm. Before that day I had only known that she was bullied in school. After that day my mom and I learned that it had gotten so severe that they would bully her after school as well and completely exclude her from the social gatherings at school. She had to have therapy after that day. Now almost a year later she still attendants therapy three times a week. My parents decided that it would be better for her to be homeschooled. As for me, I stayed in the background so that my parents could focus on helping Selene. But that day still haunts me some nights. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart beating out of my chest and sweat dripping from my body. It’s all caused by the same nightmare. In the nightmare, I get to relive it all, only this time she doesn’t make it. My thoughts are interrupted.
“Nutty, are you coming?” My sister asks me while looking up at me with her big blue eyes. I smile at her nickname for me. I look at her and see that she is smiling with her perfect and cute dimple smile. Her eyes are shining through her glasses and her cute small round head is wrapped in big blond curls.
“Yeah, I’m right behind you,” I say while smiling at her. I watch her skip her way into the dining room. Looking at her now, no one would have guessed that she almost died because of bullying. I am happy that she is getting better, but I also know that she is nowhere near being back to her happy, bubbly, and optimistic self. Before all of the bullyings started she used to smile every day, and she would always be wanting for me to watch a movie with her or read her a book. That all stopped when the bullying started. I tried to help her, but she always told me that she was getting too old to be watching movies with her sister. At the time I just thought that she was going through a phase where she thought that she was too cool to be spending time with her family. Now I regret not stepping in from the beginning.
“Nathalie, come on!” My mom yells from the dining room, snapping me out of my thoughts. I can feel a single tear escaping my right eye. Thinking about my sister’s past always makes me sad, and I have to remind myself that she is getting help now and that my parents are making sure she never relapses.
I turn my head away from the pictures and walk into the dining room where I see my mom and sister sitting around the table laughing about something. I smile and sit down across from my sister who is sitting next to my mom.
“Alright, ones again I wanna wish you a happy birthday Nathalie,” my mom says.
“Yeah, happy birthday Nutty,” my sister ads while smiling at me.
“Now dig in, before it gets cold,” my mom says while grabbing a slice of pizza for my sister. She then proceeds to take a slice for herself.
I have my own pizza so I grab a slice of it and put it on my plate. We start eating while talking about how our days went.
“So, did you finish your book?” My mom asks me.
“No, not yet,” I answer while smiling at her.
“I thought you went to the park to finish it?” My mom questions me.
Sh*t! I totally forgot that I lied to her so that I could meet Sir Bisalion.
“Oh, I did. I just didn’t finish it yet. I ended up taking a walk in the park instead. You know, enjoy the last sunshine,” I lie, again. I really hate lying to my family. They have supported me a lot, and I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t keep anything from them. In this case, I just didn’t see a solution and I have to lie to them despite how much the guilt is eating at me.
“Good, you should enjoy the nature around you instead of reading about it in a book. You know books are made of trees? That means that the nature you are reading about is actually being destroyed so that you can read your book,” my mom says. I really hate when she does this. She tries to be smart by saying all of these weird things, while instead she just annoys me. Nobody likes being told that they are destroying something.
“I know mom, but considering I haven’t bought a new book in 2 years, I think it’s alright for me to read the books that I already have,” I answer her, a bit annoyed. This day just keeps getting better. The sarcasm is filling my thoughts.
“I guess that’s fine,” she says.
Of course, it’s fine. I mean I already own the books and reading the same book, again and again, is not damaging the forests. But she is right about enjoying the nature around me. I really don’t pay enough attention. I would rather have my nose stuck in a book. Scoffing I remember the saying ′Mother knows best’. I’m pretty sure all teenagers hate admitting that their mothers give great advice sometimes, and they probably already experienced something similar to what they are going through. This, of course, means that mothers know all the answers, which they really don’t. It’s just one of those fantasies that children have, like believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth-fairy.
We finish our dinner with some small conversations, but I can feel my mind getting tired from today’s events so I stop listening to what they are saying. My mind drifts to my conversations with Bisalion. I know that I don’t want him to bother my sister. I don’t think that she can handle the pressure of making such a decision. Then there is the fact that she is only eight years old. She would be missing out on all of her childhood, and she has already had an awful one. She needs to experience the good part of being a child and later on, a teenager.
After we cleared the table and cleaned the kitchen I go to my room. Tomorrow is Friday, that means a short day at school, and then the weekend. Normally, I would be excited for the weekend, but right now I am dreading it.
My birthday this year has completely sucked. The only positive thing I can think of is Raphael. My brain keeps telling me that it is wrong on so many levels, for me to find him attractive. But then I remember how he was wearing that suit that hugged his body perfectly. I could see his biceps and his thigh muscle. They were so big and yummy. No! What is wrong with my brain? I need to forget about him, he is too old and the ′body-god’ probably has a girlfriend somewhere. Stupid brain.
I drop on my bed and pull my quilt all the way up to my chin. My grandma never called me back today. I guess she will be calling me tomorrow. Hopefully, with a solution to my problems.
I just hope that tomorrow will be over quickly and that I will forget this day.
I pray that crossing my fingers is going to be enough to make those hopes come true.