I woke up sweaty and panicked about the nightmare I had. Getting up from the bed to grab my silky robe, I saw him there, in the bed, sleeping peacefully on his pillow, and I knew he was naked under the sheet. I could see only his broad, firm chest. He was so sexy and attractive, every women's dream come true and he was the only mine. Just lying in bed, I knew I could wake him up and just make love to him, but I simply couldn't.... not without thinking about my reality.
I was standing by the window, on the chaise longue covered with a blanket, in the dark, watching the city being so awake even if it was past midnight. Raindrops trickled down the window, thunder rumbled the sky, and I thought to myself what perfect weather to have the perfect nightmare.
Realizing where I was and what I did, made me question myself if I still am dreaming.
All I knew for sure was that I am still in New York, the city where I fell in love with him, where he still is, but on the opposite side, far away from me. At this moment I wasn't even sure if I wanted to meet him ever again. Thought about how would it be to bump into him one day accidentally, and grab a cup of coffee and talk like we use to in our good times but thinking about that gave me a chill on my spine.
I was wondering what he is doing at this very moment if he thinks of me, or maybe he had forgotten me already. I don't even know how he became a stranger in my life, from being my fiancée and the father of my unborn child. How a few seconds in your life, or even a bad decision can change your whole future.
And just like that, the bad thoughts came through my mind again.
“Just think happy thoughts and you’ll fly!” Was it my therapist who said this, or Peter Pan? Maybe both, If you ask me. But it was always a piece of good advice to take into consideration. I forgot to mention that I am seeing a specialist in depression to help me go through it and be able to finally sleep and stop the panic attacks. It has been almost three months now since I am going there twice a week. He helped me a lot, but I still have a lot of roads to cover.
Putting aside the panic attacks, nightmares, and depressions, I am still trying to figure out how I end up engaged with Jake. He was wonderful with me, I felt protected, loved, appreciated, and he likes to spoil me a lot. But I couldn't feel the same way, I tried, and nothing more than attraction came from my side. Adam, my therapist told me that is a side effect of the depression, hiding my feelings so deep, that will you will believe that do not have any at all.
I knew I could not have the same strong feelings I had for John, at least not from the start, even if Jake was the first love of my life. But I said to myself, to give it a try, and see how it goes. After all, I will not get back to John, like never in this lifetime.
I should live a little, enjoy life as it is, with ups and downs. But everything looked grey, lifeless, and sad. I needed to find myself a purpose in life, a good one this time, and to make sure I will fulfill it. The first was to get a job, and the second was to make sure to have as much fun as I could get it. And last, but not least, was to leave everything behind me, to learn how to forgive and forget.
Caught up in my own thoughts, I heard the gramophone picking up the vinyl, and the song started.
“Put your head on my shoulder
Hold me in your arms, baby
Squeeze me oh-so-tight
Show me that you love me too…”
And in the door frame of the living room, I could see Jake’s silhouette, wearing a pair of white boxers. His body was well sculptured, defined and his skin tone was still tan. With no words, he came to me, stretching his arms towards me waiting for me to give mines in return. And so, I did, I just could not resist him.
He raised me up from where I was sitting, letting the blanket fall on the floor, and he starts to dance with me slowly to Paul Anka’s song.
It was nice, as we used to do this as part of our routine. We spend so much time together and laughing, playing with each other, cooking, and almost everything you can do in two.
Just it was hard to have stronger feelings for him now, in fact, I panicked more just thinking about how dumb I was to accept the proposal. I could not go back, but I can only delay it a bit more, maybe until I will get used to the idea.
“I missed you in bed, I waited and waited. Maybe you will return soon, but no sign of my Kate! So, I had to come and find you.”
He looked at me with the loveliest gaze and I thought I could melt just at that moment.
“I had another nightmare, couldn’t sleep! And I did not want to wake you. Tomorrow is a big day for you, Jake!”
“It doesn’t matter! I need to know you are okay!” he said, whispering in my ear with his husky voice.
I did not reply, I just put my head on his shoulder, and carry-on slow dancing in the living room, with the moon starring out the window at us. And he holds me tight, next to him.
“Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear, baby
Words I want to hear, baby
Put your head on my shoulder…”