Chapter 71 : Xavier
A/N: This chapter is a reminder that sometimes dominants need aftercare as well.
Content Warning: This chapter contains a lot of conversation about homophobia, drugs, and sexual assault. I put a note in bold lettering later on to tell readers when to stop if this isn’t something you’re comfortable with reading, but I just wanted to give you all a heads up in advance. Thank you, and if you have any questions, feel free to message me on any of my platforms.
Chapter 71 : Xavier
Thursday, September 2nd, 2021
Madelyn was currently curled up in my lap, her body wrapped around mine as our eyes grew swollen and our cheeks became tear stained. And even now, she was still devastatingly stunning.
She was about to tell me she loved me—I could tell just by looking at her face—yet I couldn’t bring myself to feel as though I’d earned that confession from her.
I wasn’t supposed to fall in love—especially as hard as I did—but even now, I was still falling.
I fell as she kissed my cheeks. I fell as her thumbs trailed along my jaw. I fell as she stared at me with the devotion I didn’t deserve, and I fell as she hugged me so tight, she became my lifeline.
I couldn’t let her go now, even when every instinct inside of me begged otherwise, because Detroit changed everything for not just Madelyn, but for Alec, Caleb, and I too.
She was hurt because I wasn’t there when she needed me, and when I’d kneeled to the ground and kissed each knuckle of her bleeding hands, I knew I couldn’t be the cause of that kind of pain for her all over again.
I would rather die than put Madelyn in the state she was in a week ago at her mother’s house, but I fear that it won’t matter once the truth inevitably comes out anyways.
“Madelyn, there’s something I need to tell you.” I choke out over my tears, repositioning us because what I was about to tell her wasn’t something I was comfortable doing still inside of her.
I leaned into Madelyn’s touch as she continued to cup my face, but even that didn’t make things easier this time.
Caleb, Alec, and I had fought yet again on the trip back from Detroit, but the option of sending Madelyn to Costa Rica for the foreseeable future was no longer on the table.
They gave me an ultimatum on the plane while she was asleep, and I’ve had nightmares and panic attacks repeatedly these last four days knowing something bad was going to happen and I wasn’t going to be able to stop it.
“Anything.” Madelyn whispers against my mouth, her body still shaking in my hold as she meets my eyes.
I didn’t know where to start or how she would react, and because of that, I took the coward’s way out.
“Let’s clean you up first, okay?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly as I did so.
The two of us just cracked open an entire history responsible for the tears I haven’t let myself spill in almost two decades, but I couldn’t stop, especially now with Madelyn giving me the comfort I don’t deserve but need more than anything.
Her silent nod is enough to tell me I have her permission, moving her neck to my shoulder while her legs wrapped better around my waist.
On tired limbs, I lifted the both of us from the bed and held her close to me as I walked over to the bathroom to our left. It was slightly smaller than the one at home, but it would be just as efficient to take care of her in the ways that we both needed.
“Bath or shower?” I ask quietly, my feet meeting the heated tile as I slowly set Madelyn down. Her response was just as quiet, but I nodded still, letting her use the washroom while I turned on the panel to the shower.
Instantly, water poured from the ceiling, the lights dimming to a deep red colour that was gentle on both of our tired eyes.
Technically it’s just past nine at night, but the crying made it feel later for both me and likely Madelyn as well.
I absently heard the flush of a toilet and the running of a sink behind me, but the shower drowned out most of the noises, not that it mattered. I was frozen to the spot, staring at my reflection through the water spotted glass door.
The scar that protruded across my forehead and through my right eyebrow was the only thing I could see, the permanent reminder of my sixteenth birthday and why I could never be who I wanted to now.
There are some things you can’t come back from. This was one of those things.
Anger builds tight inside of me as everything else blurs, memories piling on top of each other until I remember why I can’t be with Madelyn right now.
“Xavier.” A soft voice pulls me from the trance I had fallen into, the touch of Madelyn’s fingers against my back feeling like whiplash to my mind.
I was shaking again, and I know she noticed it too. While the feeling of her hand pressed against my skin helped, I wouldn’t risk losing control around her ever.
“I think we need to call Alec or Caleb to come get you, sweetheart.” I shook, knowing she shouldn’t be here right now. This was a mistake and one that could get bad quickly if she didn’t leave.
A puff of air left my nose as her touch removed from my back, but Madelyn didn’t move away like she was supposed to. Instead, she reached around me and opened the shower door, gesturing for me to get in.
There was a hardness in her eyes that told me she wasn’t asking, and it was so unlike her it made me smile for a second as I stepped inside now slightly distracted.
I didn’t have to look to see her getting in behind me, my muscles still strained and my heart tense from its rapid beating.
Things were quiet for a while as the sound of the glass door swung closed, but the next time something was spoken, it wasn’t from my mouth.
“Get on your knees.” I hear Madelyn say, her voice soft but not weak. When I turned to look at her in surprise, I found she was being dead serious, watching patiently and waiting for me to listen to her.
I tilted my head in confusion as her words settled in, but with furrowed brows, I obeyed. Kneeling right in front of one of the shower heads, I gave in while water began to soak my dark hair, the rest of my body along with it.
The tile was rough against my knees, but I could barely feel it as all of my attention became focused on where my girl was going with this.
Taking my shampoo, Madelyn made me watch as she carefully soaked her blonde strands under the waterfall-like stream, lathering my scent into them only seconds later.
She kept her eyes on me the entire time as white bubbles slipped between her fingertips, massaging her scalp and doing everything I should be doing.
But still, I didn’t protest as she ordered me still, stepping back until the water flowed against her body, the finished shampoo coursing over her shoulders, down the curves of her breasts, across the planes of her stomach, and along the insides of her thighs.
All Madelyn was doing was standing there, but her heated gaze was like a physical caress as it held on me.
Staying perfectly still for her, I waited until she was conditioned too before she took the first step towards my lowered body.
Surprisingly, in the time it took Madelyn to take care of herself, my trembling had managed to ease to a manageable extent, my senses sharpening on the sound of the water, the sight of her body, the feeling of the ground, and the scent of my shampoo being poured into her hands all over again.
“Tilt your head back.” She ordered so I did, craning my neck so that when her fingers first touched me again, the soap wouldn’t drip into my eyes. “What we have, Xavier...” Madelyn begins, running her hands through my hair, “It’s a two way street.”
She never once broke eye contact with me as she shifted closer, my mouth planting a single kiss to her stomach to show I was listening. To say I was sorry.
“You keep hiding yourself from me, and that’s okay, but you’re not allowed to leave anymore without a note.” Madelyn says, no longer asking. “I will never force you to talk, but you can’t treat me like something fragile and incapable of handling things by your side.”
She is not fragile or incapable—I have never doubted that—but there’s so much she still doesn’t know. It was the reason I wouldn’t let myself indulge in her love, even if this entire thing was my fault.
I didn’t speak as Madelyn continued to brush her fingers thoroughly through my hair, falling into her touch now instead of retracting from it.
This wasn’t her fault, and everything she was saying was right.
“I know something bad is happening with work whether you’ll admit it or not, and one day I won’t let you shut me out about it anymore.”
I tensed at her words all over again, but she was tipping my head back this time herself as the bubbles from my shampoo were gradually washed away back into the drain.
My instincts wanted to protest the idea of her knowing anything more than what little we’ve told her, but I know that’s not fair to either of us. Especially to Madelyn.
“I’m okay if leaving is what you need to handle what’s going on up here.” She whispers, tapping her index finger against my head, “But maybe one day... maybe one day you could take me with you.”
I let my eyes shut as the last of the shampoo is finally washed out, her hands already reaching for the conditioner as a few tears slip past, hidden by the water also dripping down my cheeks.
But she notices.
I don’t know how, but Madelyn sees me for how I am right now, bringing her fingers back to my hair instead of pressuring me to speak.
“You don’t really know the extent, Xavier, but I can fight.” She says, my eyes reopening to look at my beautiful girlfriend above me, “If you want to go into a ring with me, I’ll fight you. If you want to drink, let me be your partner.”
Madelyn washes the conditioner from her hands before moving to hold my face instead, my teardrops sliding over her fingertips.
“If you want me to stay home for a week so you can use me in every way you need... then I will be whatever kind of submissive you need to get you through this.”
How did I end up with someone like her? What did I do to deserve a person so understanding and as perfect as Madelyn?
I watched as her head remained tipped down, taking care of me in ways I didn’t even know I needed. Usually with us, things were the other way around, but if it weren’t for her, I probably would have spiraled again for another whole week.
“You’re everything to me, Xavier.” Madelyn kneels down too, still holding my face as water drips over our bodies. “I hate it when you’re in pain, so if I can help, just let me help you.”
A shuddering breath racked through my body as so much emotion poured out of me, everything I’ve tried to keep hidden breaking like a dam.
I don’t like accepting help from people because that means acknowledging things are wrong, but Madelyn figured it out on her own. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t know the specifics—she’s holding me through everything and refusing to let go.
Tonight wasn’t going to end anytime soon considering all that I wanted to tell her, but there was something that couldn’t wait that I had to do first.
Until Madelyn, I didn’t know if I could feel this way again, so many pieces of me having been broken away as a teenager, but she makes everything easier. She makes me feel like I have a voice above all, and a heart below the layers of fucked up memories that make me who I am.
My entire life has consisted of trauma, money, and influence, but none of that matters if I grow so cold I can barely recognize the person I used to be before it all. I learned how to run before I could walk, but Madelyn makes me feel like I can finally take things step by step. She makes me feel alive—like when I’m with her, nothing else can hurt me.
“Madelyn.” I cry, pushing away the now dark strands of hair that are stuck to her face, her eyes looking up at me through her own wet lashes.
She was so selfless, so beautiful, so... her.
She was the one thing I would never regret having in my life, and because of that, I stopped running.
“I love you.” I whisper as I hold her face, her hands mirroring mine. I watch as Madelyn’s fingers move to wrap around my wrists just to have that contact, and when I see the most breathtaking smile appear across her face, we fall apart.
I don’t know who moved first, but it wasn’t long before her lips were pressed against mine as I opened for her, my body rocking back until I was pressed against the cold wall.
Madelyn had straddled me, her hands sliding into my hair as she pulled me back from our kiss, her cheeks flushed with happiness and a mixture of her previous tears.
“Say it again.” She says against my mouth, her green eyes holding on mine as the same relief I’m feeling swirls within them.
“I love you, Madelyn.” I say, kissing her in between words. “I love you so goddamn much it hurts.” So much that I will do anything—become anything, to give her the life she wants and deserves.
“I love you too.” She grins softly, but our hands turn frantic when she says the words that set me aflame. No matter how close we were, it was no longer enough as I pulled her into me, crashing my mouth to hers.
The slip of our tongues against each other was passionate yet needy at the same time, the water falling down over us making everything perfectly messy.
I groaned as Madelyn’s hips rolled down to meet mine, her body gently rocking against me in desperation to be together.
I never knew I needed to hear those three words as badly as I did, but there was no going back now and I loved it.
“Lift up a little.” I panted as Madelyn’s hands held onto my shoulders, gripping tight. The next time she came down, it was with my cock fully inside of her.
She was still sensitive from earlier, but I knew she liked it even more because of that.
Moving my fingers to Madelyn’s hips, I held her as she rose up on her knees before softly coming back down, repeating the same movements again and again. This was nothing like the fucking from earlier—she was making love to me, and for once, I didn’t try to take control.
I let Madelyn decide the pace and angles, watching as her mouth parted and her eyes looked down to where we were connected.
She looked so pretty right now, and I watched as recognition crossed her eyes at not where her body met mine, but the red lines painting her breasts and stomach with my marks.
“Is that...” Madelyn inhaled at the sight of my initials written across her hip, and when she looked back up to see my possessive smirk, I felt her tighten around me.
“You’re mine.” I mutter into her ear, loving the way she cries out in response. I still don’t take over, though, letting her consume me as I fall to the mercy of her touch.
I wanted Madelyn to take what little pieces I had left of myself and make them hers, exactly where they belonged.
This was a moment that changed so many things for the both of us, but when it got to the point where Madelyn was too lost to continue on her own, I pulled her forward to rest against me. Her head fell happily against the crook of my neck as I planted my feet on the ground for support, using my hips to rock up into her.
Our movements were still slow, but it was the depth that made the pleasure so dizzying.
My muscles flexed around her with every whimper that came from her mouth, and I simply kissed her wet hair while my fingers ran over her back.
“I love you.” I whispered again, fully triggering her orgasm as she tightened around me with trembling legs. My release followed instantaneously with hers, groaning into her neck while I filled her with my cum.
The feelings that came with it flooded over the both of us, but if this is what it feels like to drown, then I never want to know what it’s like to reach the surface.
Madelyn and I stayed in the shower together for at least an hour after the fact.
Taking turns caring for each other, we remained under the water until our fingertips were wrinkled and the water grew gradually colder.
When she finally insisted it was time to dry off, we did that for each other too, my hands spinning Madelyn to face the mirror to see what I saw.
She was breathless as I ran the towel over her smooth skin, down her legs and back up to where the small initials X.A. were showing against her left hip. If I angle my head to the right, I can also see the faint bruise of where she’d headbutted me earlier.
Madelyn blushed as I smiled at the thought of carrying her marks on me, faint scratches also across my shoulders from when she rode me earlier in the shower.
That was one of three times we’d fucked during that—in my opinion—too short time span under the water.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Madelyn grins as our eyes meet in the mirror, amusement flashing in her expression. “My body needs a break.”
Rising to my full height, I brush my hands across her arms as I pull her back to me, kissing the top of her head and breathing in the combination of my shampoo mixed with her smell.
I listen to what she says, but that doesn’t stop the fact I’ve never been more thankful that I destroyed her underwear than I am now.
“How about movies and snacks instead, hm?” I suggest, my heart warming at how much she clearly likes that idea. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is always great when it comes to Madelyn, but the intimacy of getting to be with her afterwards will forever be my favourite part.
Even though I didn’t want to, I forced myself to pull away at her nod, opening the drawer to our left to grab out two of four robes for us to curl up in.
I could barely take my eyes off of her, and that only got worse when the most beautiful smile appeared on her face as I wrapped the soft material around her body.
“Mia regina.” I say ever so quietly, pressing my lips to Madelyn’s forehead and tying the belt around her waist into a large bow.
Alec said he’d gathered that she understood Italian just by observing her when Vincent was around that one day, and I knew he was right when her eyes lifted to mine.
Shrugging on my own robe, I see a fire in her gaze as she greedily takes me in. It doesn’t fade as I make my way right back to her, placing a hand on her lower back before dipping my head. “You always have been.”
I pull her closer when she quite literally shivers from my words, her legs pressing together all over again.
It seems that my girl likes that name.
“Come on, sweetheart.” I nod my head to the door as we begin to walk out of the bathroom together. “If I don’t get you under the covers, I’m going to take you against this counter instead.”
I watched as Madelyn’s eyes grew wide and a blush appeared on her face from my words, laughing even though I was very much serious.
I still don’t think she knows the effect she has over me, but one day, she will.
“You still owe me the movie night you promised.” She giggles as she takes my hand into hers, leading us back into the playroom and over to the fairly messy bed. “And probably some new lingerie too.” Madelyn adds at the sight in front of us.
Picking up a shred of what used to be her underwear, she knew I was being smug as she tossed it to the floor with a shake of her head.
“You liked it.” I playfully kissed her cheek as we both crawled back into bed, her robe riding up dangerously high before the covers were mercifully pulled over the both of us.
“I did.” Madelyn agrees with a smile, tugging me closer as my arm wraps around her shoulders, her head resting comfortably against my side.
No words could describe how happy I was right now with her like this, my hand reaching to the desk beside us where a remote lay.
It didn’t take long for Madelyn to begin looking around, noticing the fact there was no television in the room, but my smile only widened as I pressed the red button on the remote.
Instantly, a faint vibration grew beneath us, green eyes turning to me in question before a shiny black object rose from the foot of the bed where the storage bench was.
“You’re kidding?” Madelyn says, a chuckle escaping me at the way her mouth has dropped open in awe. It was so unintentionally adorable I wished I could take a picture to keep it forever, but when her gaze turned back to me, it was even better.
Her damp hair had begun to fall into loose curls as it dried, and she was just too damn perfect to look away from.
“How’s this for your movie night, sweetheart?” I winked, pulling her closer to me and listening as a happy sigh left her lips.
Something that was way too quiet for me to hear was muttered in response, but it sounded a whole like the same three words that won’t leave my mind.
(This is the heads up to please stop here if anything in my note above are things you’re not comfortable with reading).
“Xavier?” Madelyn whispers down to me, faint sounds of background music playing from the television.
“Hmm,” I hummed, my eyes remaining closed as her fingers ran through my now dry hair.
About thirty minutes into the movie I had gotten up to get us snacks, choosing to settle in between her legs this time instead of beside her.
My head currently rests comfortably against her stomach with her thighs on either side of my shoulders, a long forgotten bowl of popcorn to our left. At some point Madelyn’s hands had made their way to my hair, and I’ve been the calmest I’ve ever been since.
“I just wanted to see if you were asleep.” She says quietly, brushing some strands away from my face to play with. There were probably a few times where I had nearly slept from her touch, but I was wide awake now with her pretty eyes staring down at me.
Bringing my hands to run up and down the outer sides of Madelyn’s legs, I tilted my head to look at her better.
She blinked at me through her long, dark lashes, her right cheek pulled slightly between her teeth—something I know she does when she’s deep in thought.
I noticed her nails had grown out only a little more since I last saw her, but overall, she seemed a lot better since that night in Detroit.
“What are you thinking about?” I ask as I study Madelyn’s face, squeezing her thigh gently to remind her I was here if she wanted to talk.
She stopped biting her cheek, but I couldn’t tell if it was curiosity or worry that drew both of our attention entirely away from the movie.
“It’s just... well you’ve never fallen asleep around me before, and I thought you might have just now.”
“And you’re wondering why I haven’t?” I take a guess, giving a small smile to show I was fine with her question. Her small nod confirmed my thoughts, and while this was something I had wanted to tell her about tonight, I still didn’t know where to start.
“It’s not my business. You don’t have to share anything you don’t want to, but I was just thinking I should probably go home later so you’re not spending the entire night awake just to stay with me again.”
My hands didn’t stop moving against her at her words, however my heart did start to beat a little quicker.
I could already feel sweat building along my forehead slightly as I fought off the memories I always tend to relive at night, yet a part of me somehow knew Madelyn was already aware that I have nightmares.
“You’re not going anywhere.” I say quietly, tightening my hold on her almost for support and trying to focus on the feeling of her fingers running through my hair.
I know our experiences were very different in their own ways, but somehow it made it easier knowing of all people, it’s Madelyn who could unfortunately understand.
I sighed as I tried to figure out how to tell her why I can’t sleep with others, but all I could think about was that I was sixteen too when a part of me I still haven’t gotten back was taken.
“Do you remember what I told you about my initiation?” I ask, sensing her confusion before she silently nods in response. “There wasn’t much question about whether or not I was going to pass it. As the Don’s son, it was pretty much a sure thing.”
Focus on her hands, Xavier.
“It’s tradition to celebrate what people believed me to be as the future of the Mafia, so it wasn’t a surprise when I was driven home to be surrounded by everyone important in our world. Alec and his family were there along with hundreds of other guests who were nothing more than strangers to me.”
I took a long deep breath before I spoke again, but somehow, this was a little easier than I expected.
Every time my chest started to tighten, it was Madelyn who gave me the air I needed to continue. She was quiet and only listened as I took the time to gather myself, and I think a part of me just fell in love all over again because of it.
“After my mom... it’s fair to say I wasn’t a very well behaved kid. And Alec, he was always by my side to create the mischief I needed to ease my mind.”
We both smiled a little bit at the image of that, but it was short lived when I began to speak again.
“He quite literally saved my life in ways I don’t think he knows about even now, but his importance in my life was something Vincent noticed too well. Alec and I grew up together, and when I—fuck, when I started to develop feelings that weren’t allowed, my father intervened in ways...”
I couldn’t finish my sentence, but I knew Madelyn understood what I had just admitted. I don’t think even I have come to terms with the majority of my childhood, but loving my best friend led to so much of my father’s disappointment towards me both then and now.
“The after party was when only people close to our family remained gathered—when the more important gifts were offered as acts of servitude towards me considering I would one day be in charge of everything.”
Acts of servitude I never wanted or asked for.
“Closer to the end of the night, there was a toast to the greatness that would one day follow with my leadership.” I curled my lips in disgust, remembering all of those details much too clearly. “And the drink that was handed to me had been slipped with GHB without my knowledge.”
My eyes fell shut as Madelyn’s hands froze in my hair, but I couldn’t bring myself to see whatever emotion was strongly worn across her face right now.
“It wasn’t until about fifteen minutes later I began to feel it in my system, but with it combined with the alcohol, it hit me really hard.”
I could already feel my throat begin to tighten and my mouth dry just talking about it, even when I felt her fingers try to soothe me.
“I think Vincent was intentional in keeping Alec distracted elsewhere then, because he knew he’d realize something was off, and there was no one there to help me when two women approached me.”
With a tear falling from my still closed eyes and down my cheek, I stopped hiding.
“Nobody questioned it when they led me away, saying they were there to show me what it meant to be a man as an initiation gift from my father. But Vincent didn’t do his research. The one was a hired prostitute, but the second was the sister of a man whose blood I had been soaked with only hours previously by my own hand.”
Taking in a shaky breath through my nose, I at last looked at Madelyn to see her crying quietly with me, her own eyes shut with sadness as her head rested back against the headboard.
“Vincent couldn’t stand the fact I liked Alec, and when the drug had me nearing unconsciousness...” I had to stop as a sob threatened to rack its way past my lips. “The sister knew the consequences of killing me, so instead she left me permanently scarred as a reminder of what I did to her brother.”
I let my tears fall this time as I reached for Madelyn’s hand, kissing her palm to show I was okay. I hated that she was crying for me, even though I was too.
“I’ve had a long time to try and recover from it, but some things just don’t go away.” I say, squeezing her fingers with mine. “Alec found me, though. There’s a lot of parts about that night I still can’t remember, but I do know he was the only reason I got through it, even when I wasn’t able to think straight for a couple of days afterwards.”
This was the part I never wanted to tell Madelyn because I didn’t want her to fear or hate me, but through the blur of tears in her eyes, I saw the same burning hatred in her I still feel sometimes.
“The doctors weren’t sure for a long time if I’d ever be able to see out of this eye again after that night, but they said I was apparently lucky. The whole thing was covered up, but I wasn’t done with any of it.”
Watching Madelyn carefully, I just knew by looking at her face I could tell her everything.
Sometimes there were no pretty parts to stories, but that was okay.
“The price of that night was paid with their lives, and though I was young and irresponsible then, I still feel very little regret for my actions.” Sighing and turning onto my stomach to see Madelyn better, I was relieved to find she wasn’t upset with me from my confession. Because of that, I continued. “The only problem is I paid a price too.”
Reaching up to wipe some of the tears from her face, I offered a small smile, even though there was nothing happy about this.
“In some sick way, I can’t feel another man’s touch now intimately because it hurts too damn much to have the reminders of the things that had been taken... the things... the things that—”
I couldn’t finish my sentence, and this time, as everything went deafeningly quiet, I knew I wouldn’t be able to.
“Xavier.” Madelyn’s voice spoke shakily for me, taking my face into her hands as she sniffled from the tears that matched mine.
She looked like she wanted to tell me she was sorry I had to go through that. That she didn’t hate me for those women’s deaths, and that she loves me either way.
I prayed it was all true, but when she pulled me over her and flipped me onto my back, there was no doubt that I didn’t need a god to be reassured. I felt the weight of Madelyn’s body purposely pressing down on top, hugging me as her head nestled against my neck.
“Thank you for telling me.” She spoke through her tears, my arms wrapping firmly around her and taking in everything she gave. “It may not always seem like it, but you will never be alone again, Xavier.”
Letting my eyes close, I just let everything come out.
Yes, I still focused on Madelyn’s smell—the feeling of her skin against mine and the sound of her pained words, but I also let a little bit of myself heal by talking.
I guess what she said had been right. With my girl held tight in my arms right now, it was impossible to feel alone.
“I love you, always.” Madelyn softly whispers against me, giving me back a piece of myself that I have needed for eighteen years too long.
“I love you too, sweetheart.” I cry, feeling my heart beat not just for her, but for us. “Always.”
That night, not a single nightmare had found me.
That night, I fell asleep with Madelyn by my side.
- End of Chapter 71 -
Looking for updates ahead of time?