"I know you like it, why can't you admit it? We've been married for a long time so stop acting chaste, Jenny."
I was silent when my husband cursed me because I refused his request to imagine another man while we were making love.
"I just want to make love to you, I've done my best but why do you feel it's not enough?"
Daniel wouldn't even listen to me, he just left after putting on his clothes and slamming our bedroom door without trying to understand.
All I could do was cry, I stepped into the bathroom and let myself be soaked by the cold water.
We always bicker during sex when I refuse my husband's disgusting leniency but when I try to comply, I feel my pride being trampled on.
I felt like a bitch.
[If not happy then just divorce him...]
"But, I can't..." My crying grew louder, I knelt and continued to cry. My husband was my first love but my husband always says if I should try sleeping with another guy to make me more experienced.
Every time this fight happened, I always wanted to divorce my husband, but I could never do it.
"This world is so beautiful but scary at the same time. I just look at him, I blame myself every time we fight, every time he doesn't feel satisfied when making love with me, every time I feel whether he also sleeps with other women besides me. I always blame myself, but what's wrong with being loyal? Is someone else's marriage the same as mine? Sometimes I wish if love didn't need to be channeled with sex what would I still suffer like this?"
I closed my notebook and looked up at the overcast sky. It was night, I was still waiting for the bus to come because my husband didn't want to pick me up because he was still angry.
"Just go home alone, if a guy flirts with you then try sleeping with him and after that tell me how it feels." That was the last message I got from Daniel.
I could only hold back my tears, I couldn't reply to Daniel's message. The man is mentally ill but I love him, Why am I being this stupid?
It's finally raining heavily, the road is barely visible, I sit on the bus alone while the others are seen accompanied by the partner.
Of course, it was already midnight they must be afraid if someone did something rude to their partner.
Why not me?
I took a deep breath trying to calm down myself.
I sat in the back seat and looked out the wet window as the bus stopped at a red light. There was a luxury car that stopped next to the bus. Contrary to my situation, in the car, it looks like there is a lover or maybe they are married, they joke with each other as if only the two of them were left on this earth.
I was still looking at them when the man in the car suddenly turned and our eyes met, for a moment I was surprised especially when the man smiled at me and immediately I turn my face.
The man was so handsome... I caught my breath as my heart suddenly pounded because of that smile. Maybe today was so bad that I was being ridiculous like this.
Finally, I arrived at my house. I immediately looked into my daughter's room who was sleeping and let her rest even though I missed her so much.
The comics I submit are always rejected lately so I have to work overtime if I don't want to lose my job.
I turned when I heard Daniel's voice. I had not seen Daniel in the television room before. I then walked over to Daniel.
"You have not slept?"
"I'm waiting for you to come home."
I smiled, I was happy that Daniel was wait for me. I then hugged Daniel tightly. Our fight last night finally ended even without a word of apology like always.
"So how? Is there a man flirting with you?"
I immediately released my arms when I heard Daniel's question.
So is that why?
I looked at Daniel while holding back my tears, I wanted to say that I was fed up with all this and begged him to stop but I didn't can say anything, I was too cowardly.
"I'm tired, I want to take a shower and sleep," I said then walked away from Daniel.
"So there's no one, huh? So wear even sexier clothes. You look like a fifty-year-old woman in those clothes."
My tears couldn't be stopped, I cried silently before finally entering my room.
What's wrong with my clothes? I just wants to look more modest and make myself feel more comfortable But why did Daniel want me to dress like a bitch?
Am I that low in his eyes?
After showering, I went straight to bed. I had to get up early and do the same activities every very tiring day.
The next morning, I woke up very early as usual. I makes breakfast for my husband and my daughter, but Daniel didn't want to touch his omelet and walked away.
He acts like he doesn't love me at all but whenever I ask him, Does he love me? Daniel always answered with very sweet sentences and said he wanted to grow old with me but why did he treat me this badly?
With a bad feeling like the days before, I tried to draw but none of my drawings and story ideas satisfied the editor.
"Today an investor came, he said he wanted to find an author with who he wanted to collaborate, you better prepare the materials you choose."
I only turned my head when Sunmi, my coworker told me something important.
"There are many talented authors here, he wouldn't choose me. I'll probably be fired soon." I replied lazily, my career as a comic writer seems to be coming to an end because I don't have any ideas in my imagination.
My mind was only filled with my troubled relationship.
"Don't talk like that, I know you're very talented. The comics you've written before have always received high ratings. You just need to calm your mind and let your imagination run wild."
Let your imagination run wild...
It sounded scary now because of all my husband's words that always depressed me.
"I need to go to the toilet." I reasoned that I didn't want to hear the advice of my friend because it seemed that in the end I would still be crushed.
"We're all gathered on the third floor in ten minutes. You'd better not pass up this opportunity." Sunmi shouted before I left their room.
I walked lazily and walked down the hall to the toilet feeling almost desperate.
"Should I get a divorce? But maybe he will change... But when?"
I didn't pay attention to my steps until I finally fell because I hit someone.
"Use your Fu**ing eyes when walking!" I said angrily, I couldn't control my emotions because my mind was tangled.
"Sorry, are you okay?"
I looked up when I saw someone holding out his hand. The man was well-groomed and he was very handsome.
"Hey, what hurts?" The man asked again, his face looked worried.
I slowly reached his hand and got up. "My ass hurts a little."
Oh no! I used to speak so casually that I couldn't control my words and now I was so embarrassed, my face heated up.
"I mean, I'm ok." I smiled awkwardly, he immediately pulled my hand and rushed away but the man held me back.
"What?" I asked confused.
"I think I've seen you before."
I felt more and more confused and watched the man from head to toe, watching his face carefully while scraping my memory whether I had ever met this handsome man?
What is certain is that his sharp eyes make my whole body heat up. I doesn't know what I was feeling, but my heart was pounding right now.
"I don't think so!” I withdrew my hand when I realized I shouldn't be so charmed by a stranger. It would only make my husband's words come true.
"We'll see." The man suddenly leaned in and smiled, we were so close that I had to hold my breath as my heart beat faster and faster.
What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like I'm losing control?
I turned my head to see the man's back slowly drifting away from my sight.