She lays down on her bedroom floor. It feels like she’s broken somewhere in her brain. The chemicals that control her love don’t seem like they’re functioning properly anymore. She’s tried her best to mend what she didn’t break, but it weighs on her chest like a heavy slab of cement.
She’s drowning in her tears and lost love. She’s suffocating. Claire is right, she’s done this to herself, but how can she give up on someone that used to easily make her heart melt? How can she step away from twelve years of both the best and the worst times of her life? How can she take away her daughter’s father?
Her thoughts berate her and now she’s sobbing with her knees held to her chest and her hand covering her mouth because she’s made it to the cliff and she wants to jump to alleviate the pain. Ember is down the hall, sleeping soundly in her bed and Mary hopes that she doesn’t wake and join her instead.
There’s a bottle of red wine and a bottle of antidepressants beside her. Her hands tremble and her body shakes. She’s terrified of her thoughts, terrified that she’ll do something wrong and do more harm than good—terrified that she’ll harm the man that’s done everything wrong.
Everyone is asleep and she’s in the middle of the floor, wondering if keeping her dying marriage alive is worth it anymore. Her sun has gone and gotten lost behind the clouds, and her star isn’t bright anymore because she knows that the moon isn’t as high as it used to be.
She wonders if she deserves this. If maybe she’s done something wrong. Maybe she didn’t give him enough attention. Maybe she didn’t tell him that she loved him as much as she should have. Maybe she just wasn’t enough even though he was always enough for her. Maybe this is all her fault.
It hurts to breathe whenever he’s around, and if she doesn’t get out soon she’ll asphyxiate and her little star will quickly fade into the night in her wake.
The phone vibrates on the dresser. She’s afraid to read the notification on her screen because she knows it’s Alec. It’s always him this late at night and she knows that he isn’t coming home. He’s with Caroline and he’s giving away the love that’s supposed to be meant for her.
Her fingers tremble as she pulls them from her mouth and gently pulls the charger toward herself. The phone tumbles from the table and hits the carpeted floor with a dull thud. Mary wipes her eyes and holds her breath as she retrieves the device and unlocks the screen. She knows what’s coming, but she can’t help the fact that her heart is still attached to its source of misery.
Alec: Won’t be home tonight, something’s come up at work.
She doesn’t know why he bothers to lie to her anymore, doesn’t understand it really. Maybe some part of him still cares for her and he wants to tape her heart together instead of shattering it completely. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to feel guilty and, if he tells her lies that he can make himself believe are true, he won’t feel even half of what she’s going through.
Her fingers hover over the keypad, desperate to say something but not knowing at all what to say. There are so many things that she wants to say to him, so many things that she’d already said aloud and that she’d talked herself into saying to make sure he knew how much he’d hurt her—how much he’s still hurting her. But it’s pointless. He doesn’t want to listen and he hardly even cares. She’s just wasting her breath like he’s wasting her time.
Mary exits the conversation and is brought back to her text screen. She stops there and stares at Elliot’s contact until her eyes start to blur again. He told her to call him if she ever needed anything or wanted to talk, but she’d never taken up that offer. It’s been months since he walked right into her life and, even though they’ve spent a lot of time together, she doesn’t know if it’s alright to bother him with her broken marriage and her shattered heart.
Mary’s heart knows what it wants though, and it has her fingers clicking Elliot’s contact and pressing call before she can change her mind.
The line rings four times. Elliot is sound asleep and it takes him a moment to wake up enough to answer his phone. The bright light burns his eyes, but the name on the screen sooths his lonesome heart. Mary’s never called him before and he knows that it’s because she thinks that she talks too much and because she doesn’t want to talk about her relationship with her husband around him.
He’s glad that she’s called, but he’s worried because it means that something is wrong. Elliot’s heart collapses in on itself the moment he answers the phone and places it to his ear. Mary’s sniffling and trying to stifle her sobs.
He wants to ask what’s wrong, but Mary speaks before he gets the chance to, “I can’t do this anymore.”