My Arranged Marriage

I settle into bed with my wife.

We don't snuggle up together. We don't touch.

We are in a loveless marriage.

My fault mostly. I hid who I was from her.

I remained faithful to her. I don't feel attracted to her but I'd never act on my attractions while married to her.

We got married for business while I was still hiding my identity from the world.

We had a son. We continue to stay married for his sake.

My wife's voice breaks the silence as we lay there, "Clark?"

I could pretend like I'm asleep but I respect her too much to let her feel ignored.

I look at her, "yeah Ella?"

She presses her lips together firmly, "I know it doesn't benefit you in any way but can we have sex? I'm not asking for unprotected sex. I know the goal is to raise Jonah and get a divorce but please."

I continue to look at her, "El, you know it complicates things if we do."

I know she recalls the numerous times we have since I came out to her. Each time has led to her telling me that if I can appreciate her so much, that surely I might not be gay and that perhaps I'm bisexual.

She rolls over so her back is to me, "I know. I'm sorry."

I slowly move closer to her, "El, we can. I know you need it sometimes and I much rather for me to provide than someone else."

She sighs softly, "I know you use to be passionate towards me. You used to come home from work and throw me on the bed."

She bites her lip at that, "tie my hands to the headboard too. And then you'd just... fuck me for lack of a better word. You'd fuck me like you couldn't hold back anymore."

I kisses the back of her shoulder, "I know El. I am sorry."

She trembles under my touch, clearly starved from the months of us not touching.

I lay my arm over her. We have a quick session there on the bed.

I know she faked it. And I groan internally at the thought, but I go down on her.

She grips my hair as she finishes for real.

I move up beside her, laying down. I slowly exhale. She rests her hand on my chest.

For a minute I think the bisexual lecture is coming but she simply kissed my cheek and thanks me.

I lay there, feeling guilty for yet another time I've given into that.

I know I don't like it or feel anything mentally around it. No satisfaction or anything.

Just like I cum and make her cum and she gets pleasured because attracted to her or not I love her in a way.

She deserves to feel good. I don't emotionally fulfill her needs but I do try to fulfill her other needs.

I slowly wrap an arm around her, "I love you El."

Her eyes meet mine, understanding in them, "I love you Clark."

I lay there, holding her as she falls asleep.

She deserves a man who can appreciate the many curves of her body and the mind inside her head.

She's smart and beautiful and any straight man would be lucky to have her.

~~~~~~ Small Time Skip ~~~~~~

I hold the keys to Jonah's new car, "there are rules with this freedom, Jonah."

He hugs me tight, "oh come on old man."

I hold the keys out of his reach, "I said there are rules young man."

He looks at me, "okay dad."

I look at him, "you will be in by 11. You will drive the speed limit. And if you ever and I mean ever drink and drive I will take your keys and you won't get them back. You will not receive another car from me and I won't be giving you any more money. Do you understand?"

He nods, "okay dad."

I hand him the keys and he excitedly goes outside.

For show, Ella wraps her arms around my waist. She leans her head into my chest and I play with her hair.

I watch as Jonah pulls out of the driveway.

Ella looks up at me, "we have the house to ourselves, Clark."

And for the first time in a long time, I fuck her, right on the kitchen counter.

I fight off the guilty feeling afterwards with the reminder that it was just to feel good. Not out of attraction.

As the weeks go by I gain more trust in Jonah and the fact that he'll obey my rules.

I sit on the couch one night with Ella. She has her head on my shoulder and my arm is around her.

I stand when my phone rings and answer it. I stop smiling and turn off the tv.

I look at Ella, "we'll be right there."

I hang up the phone and look at the floor, "Jonah was in an accident, we need to go."

Ella stiffens, "is he okay?"

I swallow a lump in my throat, "they didn't say."

I drive us to the hospital and hide all my emotions behind a "he's fine" wall.

We enter the hospital and are directed to a room where Jonah is surrounded by doctors.

Ella tries to rush in but a police officer blocks the door, "you can't go in there ma'am."

I softly hug her as she screams, "that's my damn son."

I look at the officer, "what happened?"

The officer rubs the back of his neck, "a witness said that they were street racing. They hit some gravel and spun out of control, slamming into a guardrail."

I look at Ella, who is violently sobbing, "was Jonah driving?"

The officer shakes his head, "the driver is fine."

One of Jonah's friends is pacing down the hall panicking. His knuckles look bloody and he has a small gash above his eyebrow but he looks fine other than that.

I look away. And then the doctors stop bustling around Jonah.

One by one they leave the room and the final doctor looks at us, "Mr. and Mrs. Adler?"

I nod for the both of us.

The doctor's eyes shift to already sobbing Ella, "we did everything we could but it was too late. I'm so sorry for your loss."

Ella's screams in horror and I hold her tight as she catches sight of the driver.

She punches my arms, "Clark, he did it. He was the one driving. It's his fault."

I hold her tighter, not noticing my own tears, "he's just a kid, El. He's just a kid. You can't blame him for this."

I slowly take her into the room with Jonah and she sobs over him.

~~~~~~Small Time Skip~~~~~~

Ella signs her name shakily at the bottom of our divorce papers.

She insisted that since we didn't have...

I swallow my emotions at even the thought.

"Since we don't have Jonah anymore and you don't really have a reason to be with me anymore. I think it is time for us to finalize it" she informed me one day, half a year after Jonah's accident.

Once it was finalized she decided that she wanted to downsize to somewhere smaller and that she'd be taking some of the things that reminded her of Jonah and I could have the rest.

I ended up keeping the house, passed down through the family for years now and it would be a shame to get rid of it.

I bought her a little house and set her up a bank account so she'd have plenty to live on.

She loaded the last box in the back of the moving truck.

I look at her, "are you sure you'll be okay, El?"

She hugs me, "I'll be fine Clark. Are you going to be okay?"

I kiss the top of her head, "I'll be okay, Ella. If you ever need anything you'll know where to find me. I do love you in a way, El. I want you to have a good life."

She rubs my cheek, "sure you aren't bisexual?"

I smile just a little, "I'm sure, Ella. Though you have given me a great many orgasms."

My tone changes, "I'm serious... call me if you need anything. I can give you more money if you need."

She climbs in the truck and I watch her drive away. I keep watching until she's nothing more than a speck.

I go back inside and try not to feel alone in my big empty house.

As the months pass, the house gains a plain look. I've redone the house in a shade of maroon except the bedrooms are in white and my kitchen is in a black. And I don't change Jonah's room. It stays just the way it was.

I have started working more and more. I spend most nights at work. The few nights I spend at home a month, I sleep on the couch.

The bed is too big and empty when I'm in there alone.

I have avoided the idea of beginning a love life.

It feels weird to try and start dating in your late 30's.

So other than the occasional drink with work friends, I have no social life.

Most of what I do is work.